No Eric, No Party

Hi all! I’m back home. I know this recap is late, but it’s here nonetheless!

Watching Shake and Fingerpop live, I was bored to tears. It was the longest day in Bon Temps history. It look around 40 minutes for Eric to show up! Overall, the episode was alright. I’m still enjoying it more than Season One, where the arcs just got really really boring. This season things are more interesting. The second watching was much more enjoyable. This episode is still not as good as Episode 2…but it’s an improvement from Episode 3. Still, I understand and somewhat share the thought that we had to wait two weeks for this. It was kinda like Lost and 316 and The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham. Ie. less than amazing TPTB written episode. Oh and the dialogue was bad at times too. But mostly, I think it was how it was carried off by the actors…like I just don’t like the way Daphne says her lines…

And we’re back to Cult Camp! Remember that time at Cult Camp when…

Jason returns alone from dinner with the Cult Power Couple of Vampire DOOM?

He came in the cabin finding the door ajar…

and the massacre of his fellow cult soldiers!

It’s Dawn’s Revenge! Looks like there’s going to be necrophilia and the vampire is going to drain Jason.

Nevermind! It’s just ketchup! You know Heinz? 56 flavours for all your fangbanging, kinky, necrophiliac needs?

I can’t believe you fell for that moron!

The Lukinator eggs Jason on. How’s your lip Jason?

How’s your nose asshole? Huh?

Booyah! Luke SOOO deserved it.

Jason rips off his clip on tie and brings it after humiliation.‘Vampires are NOT a joke!’

He reiterates Steve verbatim from last episode. There’s a war going on out there, you’re either on the side of the dark or the side of the light and there is no in between.

Uh oh. Extremism? Ding ding ding! And we’re all about defining what is good or bad again. Does anyone else find that ketchup stain gross? I hate the smell of ketchup when it’s sprayed on people…EWWWW.

Looks like the Lukinator’s nose is broken. What a wimp. Day 2 goes to Stackhouse! W00t! W00t!

Jason appears to be making his bed and lying in it.

Time for True Blood!

Uhh…what big teeth you have…This is SOO not what it looks like!

Bill yells at Hoyt to get out of his house. Sookie begs Bill not to hurt him. Relationship functionality? 2 minutes and over.

Hoyt swears he didn’t let it go any further. I also have this big gold cross…Will that save me?

Jessica says that it’s her house too and gets ordered upstairs. Sookie tries to further difuse the situation. Bill really needs to be more attentive as a maker…seriously.

Bill wants to throw Hoyt out a closed window. Wow he looks and acts like grandpa. Someone seriously needs a chill pill. It’s time to Chill Bill!

‘Bill, that is just rude.’ And I agree with Sookie. WTF? And Bill says he’s got this…uh huh, yeah right.

Bill says that he’s not protecting Hoyt from Jessica. He’s protecting Jessica from Hoyt.

Way to make her feel loved. Way to go, Bill. There’s nothing wrong with YOU, Jess. Just Bill for making you loathe yourself.

Hoyt doesn’t believe Bill for one minute! We knew there was a reason we loved you Hoyt! See, he sees through Bill’s bullcrap.

See Jess, that’s a real man!

One that makes you feel good about yourself.

‘We established there was to be no hunting in this house.‘ Umm…she wasn’t hunting? And does it count when the human wants it too?

‘Look, I know you feel like shit because you made me and you should feel like shit…’ No shit! ‘...But guess what? I’ve never even kissed a boy before that! Meeting Hoyt’s the only good thing that’s happened to me since my whole new life started. I’m not ready for anything to happen too fast. I’d been happy to go on kissing him all night long.‘

That’s right! Feel the guilt for your acting too quickly!

‘Is it my fault that my fangs come out when I get turned on?’ LOL.

‘…’

Let’s put that on the same list as the blood tears. LOL.

And because Jessica is just as girly as her, Sookie likes her now!

She is vampire, don’t go thinking you two can be girlfriends…Segregation much?

Sookie is totally aware of that. She’s learned her lesson, but let’s bring her to Dallas! You have officially failed Great Ideas 101.

Sookie thinks this will be good for Bill because deep down she thinks Bill hates who he is. No shit.

So what if I hate myself? I don’t affect anybody but myself. I miss Buffy and Angel!

‘Well hating yourself is a bad thing!’ Philosopher Stackhouse everybody! She’s the poster child for why peroxide is bad, it leeches into your brain.

‘I’m a vampire, we’re supposed to be tormented.’ I would hate to see you with a soul.

Sookie says that Bill doesn’t have to be just a vampire and that he can teach Jessica to tow the line between vampire and human. Goody! Because Bill is doing such a good job himself of doing just that. I should probably shut up, wouldn’t want to swim with the fishes like Uncle Bartlet or push up daisies like the Rattrays. Oh how cute! They’re going to teach each other! Ugh.

Cue sad violin music! Bill broods about how different it is for Jessica. He had to live as an outlaw outside the human world. Oh boo hoo. Humans were prey and nothing else. He envys Jessica. I’m thinking Jessica envies the world you had. Would you like to borrow my razor?

Ooh! Jessica is joining the party in Dallas! Surely nothing bad will happen.‘Isn’t it exciting! Our first trip together. Oh c’mon Bill, I was almost killed last night. Again.’ But let’s bring one more party to get killed with us!

Ugh. I’m going into diabetic shock from all the corn syrup! HBO better start consider selling Esulin at their shop. You know, it’s insulin that comes with Eric to adminster the shot to either your butt or boob. It’s Eric’s choice where. 😉 It’s the only way I can make it through these scenes!

Oh look, skinny dipping devoid of any sexual tension!

Sam always swims at night. Daphne likes the night because it’s dark and you have to *hint* *hint* focus on other senses.

Sam wants to be free of people, but Bon Temps is kinda paradise. The aggressively ignorant people like to waste their paychecks on booze at my bar. It’s kinda awesome. I get money.

At least he thought it was. I’m gonna be hightailing out of here for no reason, other than my yellow belly. I’m moving to another bumfuck town. Sam has also never lived in the city because he’s into the pastoral, you know, they lose touch of nature. Oh and they bring out the worst in people. Hmm…hint for Dallas?

Well, people suck here too! And then Daphne decides to get out because she’s getting pruny. She asks Sam if he wants to come eat pancakes with her, but he declines and it’s like DUDE! Sam. What is wrong with you?

And Sam sees the scars!

OOOH!

Back at Maryann’s Tara has a phone conversation where Sookie tells Tara she’s family…you know, the people you call when you need shit from them but not before?

Tara says she loves Sookie the most and Maryann is like…well, can’t have that…

Tara’s gonna live with Sookie.

Oh no, you did’int! Maryann is sorry to hear that. I’ll bet.

Tara is setting herself away from Maryann’s dubached ways. People were having just a bit too much fun the other night…Like, I never want to see Mike Spencer naked again.

Maryann tells Tara to ‘Go, flourish and never say no to yourself.’ She’ll also be informing Eggs of Tara’s relocation.

Boy this lady is weird. About time, Tara!

Time for idiocy at Cult Camp! It’s Mess Time! Time to interpret scripture! Lazarus was not the first vamp. Dracula was.

Nuh uh! Lazurus was!

So Jesus made the first vampire? Maybe Jesus was the first vampire. He rose from the dead and told people ‘Hey y’all, drink my blood!’ Why are there cults in the first place anyway? I don’t get it.

Nuh uh! It’s Caine! He killed his brother and brought the first evil into the world.

Nuh uh! It’s Eve eating the apple! You know, EVIL. Duh. Oh great…So does that mean Mrs. Newlin is EVE-il? Oooh, metaphor!

And here it comes even more metaphoric! ‘Eve wasn’t evil. That was just skirtin’ the rules. Evil is making the premedicated choice to be a dick.’ LOL. Don’t you wanna hug the little idiot. It’s premediated. Take that Lukinator.

Now it’s time for Jason to leave because he’s been asked to go meet Reverend Newlin.

‘God will make sure evil will get punished.’ Hmm…I wonder if that will become some eating crow for Lukinator…and come back to bite him in the ass.

‘Oh yeah, then explain Europe to me.’ Please tell me that’s not rhetorical because I’d love to go into it. I’m serious. What? It is. Aww man…

What is this ‘Europe’ he speaks of? Does he mean metrosexuals?

Steve whips out his gun and cocks it. It’s called overcompensation. I’m thinking this could be part of the reason wifey wants Jason.

Umm…TMI Steve, I want your wife, not you. I…uh, don’t swing that way.

Take a trip with me, amigo, mano a mano. What kind of trip, Steve?

Sookie hasn’t moved into Gran’s room yet, but Tara can have her room and she’ll get settled in later, but for now, she’s got a gift for her.

It’s that horribly scary photoshopped picture. Awesome gift, Sookie. If there was a monetary value placed on the awesomness in gift giving, you would fail.

Tara appreciates the thought though.

Sookie still misses Gran. Can you hear the chorus of ‘ME, ME, ME!’ in the room?

Tara gets informed about Dallas.

She wants to know why Sookie is involved with a guy that keeps getting her involved in bad things? Good question, Tara. ‘The sex can’t be that good!’

‘Oh it’s that good and I love him.’ Surrre…I just don’t buy it. I mean, there was mutual attraction and stuff…but I just haven’t been convinced of love. Care for each other? Yes. Love? Nope. Secondly, that is some serious overplucking disaster going on there.

‘You can’t just go savin’ your heart for some perfect idea for a man that’s never gonna come along. Life is too damn short.’ Oh! She’s settling for Bill! I get it! I can just smell the D00M approaching…

‘Besides, Bill’s not making me do anything. I agreed to this to save your fool cousin, thank you very much!’ Remember that no revealing secrets thing? You don’t want the reputation of Kate “Tattler” Austen now…

What!?

There’s a video for that…

Oops

Looks like Miss Jeanette got the claw treatment too but without the salt scrub from hell. The detectives think it might have been a panther! Ooh! Like a werepanther or a regular panther? And they really have to update their Nature Handbook to include Poisonous Clawed Minotaurs.

Miss Jeanette was scratched by a panther with poisonous claws which paralyzed her. What killed her was getting her heart cut out while she was still alive. Lovely!

‘We are looking at a human-animal collaboration.’ You know, poisonous animal wielding a hunting knife?

Kenya is SOOO not amused.

Oooh, now Andy joins the party!

He wants to know about the pig Kenya mentioned in the police report regarding Tara’s car accident.

Sheriff Dearborn wants to know why he’s reading those files, while Mike Spencer is going to the gym since he’s been spending time with his shirt off. We’re like, please just stay home and eat potato chips, please!

She was drunk.

It was brown and I saw it in the WALLHOUSE DOLLHOUSE! It’s somewhere in LA, I KNOW IT IS! I won’t stop until I find it!

I’ll even lose about 50 pounds and grow back my hair.

‘Are you drunk?’

‘What, you never had a drink during the day?’

‘I’m not an alcoholic.’

‘No, you’re just a stupid old man, who doesn’t know anything about nothing who doesn’t want to learn!’ This is what we call foot in mouth.

Bud asks for Andy’s badge even though he knows Andy is sorry, because he can’t count on him if he’s drinking on the job.

I think Andy is going to cry.

Tara goes to Lafayette’s.

She’s not happy that she had to hear that Laffy got locked up, chained and fed on in a vampire dungeon from Sookie.

‘Sookie needs to keep her mouth shut…’ Um…yeah, no shit. ‘...and so do you.’

Tara wants to know if Lafayette has been to the hospital, but Lafayette’s not rushing to go. He doesn’t need to police up in his bidness, besides, he’s already got the drugs and he’s called his uncle the vet. He’s gonna be okay. Tara wants to stay and take care of him.

Laffy brings it tough. He doesn’t want her to. He doesn’t care that it’s Tara’s b-day because he ain’t in the mood to party. He spent two weeks thinking he was gonna die and doesn’t have it in him to take care of her tonight. Interesting relationship those two. Tara comes to take care of Laffy and Laffy realizes that she’s the one who needs to be taken care of more than him.

‘If you die, I’m gonna be really pissed.’

‘Well that makes the two of us.’

Tara leaves and Laffy burrows himself in his blankie once again. Poor Laffy.

Terry is confused because Sam hasn’t left yet. He’s not leaving? Nope, he just hasn’t left yet. Then are you really leaving? He just hasn’t left yet.

‘Dumbass.‘ You got that right, Terry.

Sookie wants to know if the special is ready. Terry’s thinking jailhouse chili, but the boy is cracking. He’s forgetting ingredients.

‘SHIT!’ Poor Terry.

‘Right, we’ll just call whatever this turns out to be Terry Scramble…Scrambled Terry’s Scramble.’ *Hugs Terry* He just doesn’t know if he can run the bar with Sam gone. It’s too much pressure.

‘Sam’s leaving town?’

Oops. ‘Were you gonna tell me you were leaving?’

‘You weren’t here.’ CUE SOAP OPERA!

‘I know it seems like I led you on, but cut me some slack. My grandmother had just been murdered, Rene was after me and I didn’t think Bill was ever coming back.’ ME, ME, ME!

Sam’s all about ME, ME, ME! too. ‘Look, I’ve got serious shit I’m dealing with now. Making you feel better is not high on my list.’ These two are SO mature.

Well, so do I! …Now can I take a couple days off? This is what we call tact.

‘Fine, I probably won’t be here when you get back.‘ Sam doesn’t know any other way to leave things when Sookie asks. Throwing away years of friendship seems pretty stupid to Sookie.

Annnd…it’s time for Buzz Lightyear to kill Vampires! He’s moved on from aliens. They remodeled the entire game to include jeeps, backwater Southern landscape, handguns and popout vamps in the woods.

One drives while the other shoots. Remember? I wonder if we get a FastPass.

Jason and Steve discuss ways to kill a vampire. The FOTS know that silver only weakens, but they have wooden bullets! What? like a pellet gun? Wooden bullets? Seriously. How does that work? Can we call a ballistics expert on my lifeline?

Steve has never seen a vamp die, but Jason has. They fall apart like a water balloon. Isn’t he smart? Scratching his head with a loaded gun?

Steve is jealous because he didn’t get to see God’s awesome power obliterate evil right in front of his eyes…Well, that’s one way of putting it. He also vows to see a vampire explode one day. I’m also thinking that is not all Steve is going to be jealous about and soon…

Tara is watching TV all alone at the Stackhouse residence on her birthday!

She hears a noise all alone in a creaky old house! OOOH! Bring out the Alfred Hitchcock music! *Screech* *Screech* *Screech*

Who could be out there!?

It’s only Maryann, Eggs and Karl the All-In-One Cook with a wedding cake…huh? They give you quite a wicked fright.

‘No one should spend their birthday alone.‘ Maybe this is one birthday Tara should…I’m hearing screechy violins…

Tara cries every birthday because they always suck..awww…

Eggs is gonna make this b-day good.

Maryann’s been planning this party/trap for days, but that bitch Sookie put a wrench in things when she got Tara to move in, so Maryann threw Sookie into Eric’s lap and she’s off in Dallas! Maenads are ES shippers? Or maybe they just like the chaos.

Cue psycho babble about weddings and birthdays being the same…Oh and there will be a PAR-TAY. Aren’t you glad that Granny is dead now?

Time for the Cult BBQ!

Now what do these Cult BBQs entail?

Everything you can do without a stripper’s pole. And you thought they were religious…

And hubby is right there! Scotty doesn’t know! So don’t tell Scotty!

Work it Jessica Simpson! It couldn’t be more obvious someone is seducing Jason.

‘You don’t eat Sarah’s ribs, it’s more like you take a bath in them.’ LOL.

Sarah helps out Jason with his bib…oooh. It’s all that sauce…from the ribs…That Louisiana hot sauce.

But let’s get down to business! God has chosen Jason for his most brilliant purpose! An elite spiritual army! Jehovah’s Witnesses? Nope. Vampire hunting! The Soldiers of the Sun. You mean the SOS? As in Save Our Souls? Yes. Oh hey, they even fit nicely into the SS! Oooh. God wants you!

Okay! And is this a dinner party or are three people eating all that? It’s a carb bomb. How about some for the kids in Africa?

Meanwhile it’s a slow night at Merlotte’s. Only Andy is there to drink away his sorrows.

Sam’s cutting Andy off because he doesn’t want Portia to get pissed when Andy wreaks the car.

Andy tells Sam to fuck off. Sam knows it’s the scotch, or he’d tell Andy off too. Mature. Oh and Andy doesn’t want sis and grandma to see what a big loser he is.

Arlene is like POPCORN!

Since no one has come in for an hour, Arlene wants to go to Tara’s party over at Sookie’s. It’s being thrown by Maryann and she knows how to party! Oh and Andy wants to go for the food and to question people about the pig in the Dollhouse. Daphne wants to go because she’s worked hard…sure…

Lettie Mae will not be attending.

She asks Sam to deliver Tara’s gift to her. She doesn’t know who else to ask.

Sam’s like D’Oh! Now he has to go!

Speaking of D’Oh!s…Sookie emerges from the Anubis plane loaded on ‘booze for dolls’. I think we’re suppose to excuse the rest of her stupid decisions/behavior in this episode on alcohol. Alcohol impairs judgment, kiddies! At least it’s finally night. FFS…the day has totally dragged! Ugh.

The crazy greeter attempts to grab her!

Bill gets all fangy again and we roll our eyes. He’s like Jack. Two modes. Yelling with Fangs and Dopey Clingy Broody Dude. And Sookie can’t save herself again. This time because she’s tipsy.

My what big teeth you have.

Jessica…is having travel issues… I know the luggage coffins are more practical…but I liked the wooden ones! They were classy!

Stop standing there and go help a vampire out, Sookie! Sheesh! Where the hell is Eric! FFS! The show is like 3/5 over! Ugh. This blows.

Sam hits the party.

Cue semi-civil exchange with Maryann! He’s delivering Tara’s gift from her mom.

But let’s drop the civilities once inside! Turn me, I dare ya! Reveal yourself!

Aren’t you cute!

Sam threatens Maryann, he’s not gonna stand by watching her try and hurt the people he cares about.

‘Even when they’ve dumped you, or chosen a dead man over you?’ Wow that’s bitchy even for you, Maryann. I think she wants Sam…the only one to slip away from her clawed clutches.

‘You’re really not an alpha, are you?’ I think that one takes the bitch cake. Even though it’s true…I mean, Alpha of True Blood Sam is not.

Daphne likes him just fine though. Suspicious…

Meanwhile, Tara and Eggs dance and schmoop. Can we please get Tara away from Eggs? They have the same conversation over and over again and Eggs just drags Tara down and she’s sooo awesome. Ugh. Anyway, Tara’s excited by all the people at her party. It’s like off though.

Maryann watches on…oooh. She’s also got a lot of hair extensions going on there…

Terry and Arlene are dancing outside.

Maryann tosses Lettie Mae’s gift. D00D! You could have totally regifted that!

Andy has found his new alcohol tap.

Maryann goes off into the woods.

Bill does his Jedi Mind Trick on Leon the Attacker. Sookie watches on.

He’s going to let Jessica have a turn. He finally gets off his ass and teaches her something, like I don’t know, a maker is supposed to. Sheesh.

He instructs Jessica to lean in close and let everything go. It’s kinda creepy. I think it might just be the musical cues…

I don’t know…if that were me, I’d so bolt from that limo, sheesh Sookie! Although this is like Lost, no one behaves like they actually would lol. They just say ‘What?’ a lot.

Jessica pulls Leon’s head into hers.

Sookie tells how sweet Bill was with Jessica. What is this? Lost? Hell, there’s even an ‘adopted’ child. “Am I good at this?” Ugh…Bill needs Sookie to act like a big mirror to reflect the best side of who Bill wants to be, to reinforce his ego just like Jack with Kate. Bill’s all, D00d! Guy was toally after you! Duh. Can we give Sookie dialogue which doesn’t make her look like a dunce who needs Bill to state the obvious for her?

They talk about who could have done it. Bill says it can’t be vamps because it’s too sloppy and suggests ‘that church’. And Sookie’s like ‘No way! It’s a church!’ And we’re like seriously? Has she not heard of the Crusades? Or was that all whitewashed in Sunday School? And now Bill has to set her straight like her dad again. Ugh. ‘Sookie, churches have done much, much worse throughout history.’ Like I don’t know, the Crusades? Hi, Native Americans, this is small pox, a new religion, better education and a greater culture! You don’t want to be savages do you?

Back at the dorms in Cult Camp, Jason tells Luke he’s gonna be a Soldier of the Sun!

The Lukinator is jealous.

Jason’s like ‘You suck! I rock! Neener, neener, neener! I even get to bunk at the Newlins!’

Luke’s all, please bitch! You are soo not the only one they’d promote. Besides, you’re the Preacher’s Wife’s Boy Toy!

‘She wants your hot beef injection, dude.’ Well, Steve does overcompensate…*Ahem*

But Sarah’s not like that! She dances like Jessica Simpson for everyone…And I earned this. But in his head, Jason doubts.

Meanwhile at the Hotel Carnelia, Eric has reserved them a room with no bed. LOL! That’s a Schmoop Buster if there ever was one.

Luckily, the lady finds a room with a king sized bed that’s light lockable and in a suite. Oh but they’ll need an adjoining room for…just what should we call her? A ward! She’s like our little Anne of Green Gables! It’s like our new toy! Oh excellent Sookie. Let’s adopt third world babies, while we’re at it! The term ‘ward’ reminds me of The Tudors. You know, when Charles Brandon adopted his 17 year old ward, fell in love with her, married her and had kids with but is now having marital issues with because he had to kill a ton of Catholics for Henry? Did she just say like Bruce Wayne!? As in Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson? BAAAAAAAD example. Pedophilia anyone?

Meanwhile, Jessica procures a cell phone from Leon…yay! Is it just me or is Jessica dressing like she’s back in Conservative Family again? I wonder what this can possibly say about Bill…Hmm.

She also has some more fun!

‘…all your worst fears are about to come true unless you scream at the top of your lungs…’

Eric is covering all the expenses.

‘…Jace fingered her in church!’ We love you Jessica!

‘JESSICA!’ Because it’s not an episode without Bill yelling at her like a Bad Dog! And what is with this whole Jackie O ripoff on Sookie? FFS, it’s like 2008 at least in Bon Temps, not 1963! I know small towns are behind…but they’re not THAT behind…like 45 years…seriously.

‘She’s new.’ Oh, you dope. I’m guessing that’s the Crazy Sookie smile.

Maryann starts chanting! What could possibly happen?

Everybody starts writhing and grinding.

Tara and Eggs start making out.

Schmoop Busters?

Nope.

Damn you, Maryann! At least the music was cool…

At least Laffy was up next.

He gets a visit from ERIC! WOOOOOOOOOO!!! YES! Boy is looking guuuud. We only had to sit through over 40 minutes and 3/4 of the show. What the fuck is up with that? Seriously. The only way you can make me sit through Eggs and Tara is with sprinklings of Eric throughout the show. Ugh.

‘Good evening, Lafayette.’

OH SHIT! At least his chest has been waxed.

‘You can’t enter unless I invite you in and I ain’t nowhere near that crazy!’

‘You have to come out eventually. I have all the time in the world.’

‘You let me go!

‘I gave you a generous gift. The gift of not killing you.’ LOL. Oh Eric.

Then he whips out his wrist like Michael Jackson. ‘And I’m here to give you something else. The healing elixir that is my thousand year old blood.’

‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’ Aww…Laffy is all shy!

I would SOOO take what he’s offering lol.

Eric feel a LITTLE bit shunned. ‘Your leg’s already infected, I can smell it. You don’t get that taken care of, you can lose it.’ Oh eww…You know when they say seek medical attention immediately?And Laffy is too fabulous to be a gimp! Noooo.

Uh oh… ‘Why do you want to give me your blood?’

Eric leans into the window frame, totally working it. ‘I like you.’ I like you too!

‘Bullshit. You wanna be able to keep track of me. Why?’ Indeed. Laffy has way more control than I do. And he’s been smoking a LOT of joints too! How does that work?

‘You obviously mean something to Sookie and what Sookie finds meaningful…I find curious.’ Interesting. Very interesting. Looks like Eric is looking for his backdoor and Sookie should have definitely shut up and been more tactful in how she got Laffy released. He revealed Lafayette to be important to her and therefore, Eric has found a way to exploit that.

‘You really have no choice, Lafayette. You know it.’ Eyebrow! I love the way AS plays this scene, he just charms his way into Lafayette’s house.

‘Fuck.’ Hey, don’t feel sad, Laffy, that was a war you were never gonna win anyway.

*Smirk* Eric knows he’s won.

Now Bill starts glamouring Leon. What’s interesting is that Eric can manipulate his way into getting what he wants without the need for glamour. Bill needs to resort to glamouring, it’s an indication of their experience. Eric has much more skill.

Leon starts talking about his worst nightmares.

‘Jessica, what on earth did you do to this man!?’ ‘I am ON the phone!” LOL!

Taking Sookie’s advice for once, Bill puts his hand on Leon’s shoulder and finds out the FOTS sent him!

Told ya so!

We learned that Leon was not a member of the FOTS, but hired to abduct the human with the Compton party and bring her to the church, but did not know who that human would be.

Sookie takes initiative and questions Leon, finding out that Leon doesn’t know her name, even though he knows they’re searching for Godric. He doesn’t know where Godric is though.

Bill glamours Leon into believing that the plane arrived without the Compton party and starts giggling like he’s Billdemort or some other super villain. Bill only laughs when he’s manipulating or something…

And Sookie joins in and we’re like…Ookay…Bill just totally glamoured someone, which is morally questionable and you’ve got a case of the giggles? Is this okay because Bill is doing it and it’s saving your skin…

Meanwhile, Eric is watching TV while Laffy sucks on his wrist.

Laffy is all Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough!

‘That’s enough. Don’t get greedy.’ Eric pushes Laffy off.

We watch as Eric’s wrist heals before our eyes. Someone has called him on the phone. Who could it be? ‘You were supposed to call me the minute you arrived.’

Why it’s the Billhole being snippy. They were ambushed at the airport.

‘By whom?’

Bill starts whining. ‘You know exactly by whom, Eric! The Fellowship of the Sun! Why didn’t you tell me they were involved!’ *rolls eyes*

‘I didn’t know for sure, now I do.’ You know, unlike yourself who likes to jump into things and make assumptions, Eric likes to be certain before he dives in.

‘You could have shared your suspicions with me.’ That is SO just asking for a smackdown. I have had just enough of Bill whining and acting like he’s two.

Eric delivers! ‘I could have, but I didn’t. You should remember that I am your sheriff, Bill. We are not equal. If that displeases you, take it up with the magister or the queen.’ I can’t believe he actually expects to be treated equally by a superior. Seriously? What world are you living in? Dude, EVERYONE has a boss, not just vampires. Get over it!

Eric hangs up.

Lafayette starts dancing. He’s high on Eric! ‘How’s your leg?’

‘Hit that shit! Ugh!…Shit, I just wanna fuckin’ dance!’ He even starts cha’boning the furniture! Look for Lafayette to replace Mojo in the next Transformers.

‘How nice for you.’ Gotta love that dry humour! Eric’s gotta fly.

‘Vegas baby, Vegas baby!’ LOVE Eric and Laffy. They are the best!

Meanwhile at the Newlins’ house, Jason gets settled in. Sarah pays him a visit in her totally inappropriate nightgown. Jason tells Sarah of his insecurities.

Sarah is very proud of Jason.

Jason wants to know why he’s the only one staying at the Newlins’ house.

Sarah explains that it’s because there’s only room for 14 soldiers, but he’s the 15. He’s also the one they have the most hope for.

Jason doesn’t want to disappoint her.

Sarah tells him to go do that and that if he needs anything, they’re at the end of the hall, through the big double doors. Would you like me to whip out my pudding for you to swim in my ribs? Seriously.

Meanwhile Sookie and Bill are making out and we’re like ugh noooo! No more BS sex! Tell me there’s a schmoop buster!

There is! WOO! Right from the books! ‘It’s Eric. I wanted to talk. Meet me at the bar.’ Alright! Head Schmoop Buster!

‘Fudge.’ Umm…seriously?

Meanwhile at the bar…like what is with that sitting with the crossed legs and the hands? Could you be more of a sniveling moron?‘I admire you, Bill. It takes a real vampire to admit he cannot protect his human.’ Oh LOL Eric.

And because Bill can’t take a joke. ‘And it takes a real monster to not care about anything or anyone other than himself.’ So Godric doesn’t count under anything or anyone? What a moron…

Eric says that he does. Bill says ‘Oh Godric’ negating his previous statement, thus making him an idiot. WTF? He wants to know why Eric cares about Godric when he’s got no obligations to Dallas or Texas. Oh and there’s an obvious shitty attempt at an LOTR height gag . They made AS slouch so that he doesn’t totally make Bill look like a midget and brought Bill’s chair forward a bit. In the attempt to bring them shoulder to shoulder, AS is now spilling out of his chair and his head looks slightly weird which breaks the illusion, since his head looks slightly smaller than Bill’s. It gives away the perspective. They overshot. This is one of those things I notice in caps, because the entire scene made me go…there’s something weird going on visually, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

‘This is personal for you. Why?’

Some chick sets down Bill’s drink and Eric dodges and snarks, ‘I hope you enjoy your blood substitute which is costing me 45 dollars.’

‘Oh I have no intention of drinking it. I just want you to pay for it.’

‘Oh you’re so mature.’ Indeed, Eric. Bill is such a little punk that deserves to be smacked seriously. Clearly he has learned nothing even after being punished by the magister. He’s pretty dense. I have seriously had it up to here with Bill’s insubordination. It’s just plain annoying. I’m not asking him to be a total pushover, but FFS, get your head on straight! It’s that total lack of any tact, respect or cleverness.

‘Answer the question, why the allegience to Godric.’

‘He is much beloved by his subjects.’ This is interesting, Eric is truly loyal to Godric.

Bill very transparently tries to get one over Eric. ‘Only kings and queens have subjects, Eric, not sheriffs.’

Eric has had enough. It is time to Smack A Bitch 2! Bill is pretty dense. ‘Godric could have been king of Texas had he wanted. He could have been king of any vampire territory anywhere. He is twice as old as I am and very powerful. There are none above him in the new world.’

At least he has the forethought to look bashful. ‘If he is so powerful, how could they abduct him?’

‘That is what worries me. If one such as he can be taken by humans, then none of us is safe.’ I wonder if that will get through to Bill? Nope, probably not.

‘What can I give you to release Sookie from your agreement?’

‘Nothing. And since you like humans so much, I would think you would want to protect them. The vampires here, they are like cowboys. If they don’t get Godric back, they’ll want justice. They’ll start attacking people.’ Checkmate. Eric appeals to logic and the bigger picture. Both of which Bill has little of. He’s very into the ME, ME, ME. That’s why Eric is sheriff and he is not.

‘Open agression against humans? That’s insane.’

‘Yeah well, it’s Texas.’ LOL.

Meanwhile at the party, Sam and Daphne kiss after feeding each other food. It’s not so much that I think it’s schmoopy and I want it over as much as it’s just sorta boring you know?

Sam wonders if this is a good idea.

To summarize a whole lotta nonsese that Daphne said coming onto Sam, yes.

Sam stops and wants to tell Daphne something.

Daphne stops him. She knows what he is…oooh.

Then she leads Sam off to go do it doggy style or something.

Meanwhile the party is Jumpin’ Jumpin’.

Eggs and Tara are doing it upstairs. And at this point in True Blood, it’s like I don’t have anything against the quantity of the sex but there is seriously no hot sex. Nothing to go home about. Not like the Cage Sex on Lost where you didn’t even get to see them do the deed.

Maryann starts doing whatever she’s doing to make people go crazy.

There’s Andy walking past Mike Spencer with some chick with fake boobs.

Terry and Arlene get it on!

Eggs and Tara go at it harder and Maryann seems to feed on this and use it to affect the crowd.

Andy smushes a cake.

This chick gives herself an icing facial, which is really bad for you…Oh and she’s gone Grudge!

More muddy dubachery.

Now the Grudge extras are getting more and more numerous. Random Drunk Guy.

Terry and Arlene…Whoa! My fingers just became a dinosaur!

Some random girl writhing in the mud, after some dude punches out the guy dry humping her. Oh Sookie would be so pleased to know this is what’s happening to her house. Her Gran too.

Meanwhile, Maryann feeds off all the chaos and reveals her Poisonous Minotaur claws! Knew it! Now what is her relationship to Daphne…hmmm…Something tells me Daphne is a minion…

Sookie finds vampire porn on pay per view.

She’s grossed out by it. What did you expect to find when you searched ‘Adult’? Honestly.

There’s a knock at the door, apparently Jessica ordered some room service.

Barry sends in a Straight Male, B Negative.

Jessica is VERY happy for room service.

Sookie is not. She thinks that Bill doesn’t want her to do this. And wonders how old Travis is.

Barry answers. He’s 21. He’s a telepath too!

Sookie picks up on it.

Barry tries to hide it! OH NOES!

I’m a telepath too!

…

OH SHIT!

Barry wait! I don’t bite! Only my boyfriend!

Ookie! I hope you will enjoy that! The next review will come out on time!.

Thanks go to marishna from LJ for caps. I made additional ones. Thanks to bluebear for the gifs.

~simba_317