Why Bill is a Messy Eater

I REALLY liked this episode. The best episode for me was still Episode 2, but this one is definitely up there and made up for the more mediocre 4 and 5.  It was also great because SO much actually HAPPENED. Oh and the BS was minimized. THANK YOU. Brian Buckner is quite possibly the best writer on True Blood. If it were up to me, he and Alexander Woo would write all the episodes. About the only thing I can say that I didn’t like was the lack of Eric. So what it comes down to is great episode, but not enough Eric. It was painful, we got like 3 minutes max.

I really LOVED Crazy!Bill. It was totally fucking awesome. Bill even had hot sex for once! The only sad thing is that something eventually made him a boyscout. I totally want to know what that is. What made him change his ways. While this new reveal does make Bill more interesting and somewhat richer, it’s still annoying because even though Bill is capable of incredible cruelty, he’s still incredibly bland and boring in 09 or whenever this story takes place. Like, he’s not interesting NOW. He was interesting THEN. I would be way more interested in Bill as a character if he was all crazy and berserk behind the scenes and all goody goody upfront.

One good thing about Charlaine Harris’ Bill is that while he was good, he was no boyscout and he was MUCH more ambiguous, which kept him at least somewhat interesting. The mistake with TB Bill is that he is SO narrowly defined in his current period, that it’s just annoying and boring to watch. How many of us are just dying for Bill’s fall so that he can get off our screens? I mean, the only purpose I can see with building Bill up like he has is to set him up for a fall, but not only a fall, a fall in which the entire viewing audience roots for it because it’s so aggravating to watch him.

To the recap!

Good evening Dallas!

Inside the bar, something is stirring!

OOH! You SOOO remember that dress. Awesome!

Eric’s dinner is enjoying his meal more than he is. ‘Oh…oh…that’s it, baby. Yeah.’

Eric is upset and sulky. ‘Baby? I’m over a thousand years old.’ AWWWW. Eric is cute. Just don’t call him baby.

Are you not having a good time?’ LOL. She’s basically a bad hooker.

‘There’s just not much thrill feeding on the willing.’ LOL. Basically, he doesn’t like his food thrown at him. He got tired of the groupies. It’s hard being a rockstar.

‘Then should I pretend not to want it?’ LOL, oh TB, you are just hilarious. You’re seriously gonna go there!

‘Only if you’re very, very good at it.’ Oh Eric, I don’t think there’s any way to make bitter melon or durian taste any better. It’s still bitter and icky.

‘Stop. Eww! Get off me! Sick! Blood sucking bastard!’ She’s not fooling anyone. Eric’s like ‘Are you serious? The things I do for dinner…’

But his mama taught him never to waste food. His eye catches someone.

He tells them to wait a minute all powerful and sheriff like with his nice arms!

You know why else Eric is awesome? He tips his waitress, even when she messes up and he’s given a shitty meal. What a guy! ‘Tell your manager you were magnificent. I’ll back up your story if he calls.’ Isn’t he a sweetie? You know he’d take pity even of Daphne and tip her well even though she sucks.

I always liked that in the books that the vampires cleaned up their humans and healed them after feeding…but whatevs. Looks like Eric’s mama did a real good job of teaching him not to waste food, unlike Bill. Eric is a neat eater. And Eric also knows that getting blood out of dresses or doilies is a bitch. How sweet of him.

And after the most amusing opening ever, things go dun, dun, dun! ‘I was beginning to think you weren’t going to accept my invitation, Lorena.’ I kinda really really like this, even though it really deviates from the books. Look at it this way, we’ve got a Schmoop Busters Dream Team! And we NEED it desperately. Also, Eric is manipulative and an opportunist, so why not? He’s no angel either. The more interesting point is that Eric KNOWS Lorena. I wonder if he knows about Bill’s hijinks in the 20s. It would certainly bring to light why he mocked Bill for drinking True Blood this season and in season 1, ‘Don’t you find it vile and metallic? […] True Blood, it keeps you alive, but it will bore you to death.’ He knows that Bill’s mainstreaming is a front. He knows just how violent he is. Of course, that’s one angle. Who knows?

‘For a vampire, you’re a terrible liar.’ Looks like Lorena knows that Eric knows that she’d come. I wonder if they have a Lounge piano player doing “The Bitch is Back” in the background by Elton.

Time for True Blood!

And there is more schmoop. UGH! Note to True Blood, there’s a reason people LIKE Suliet. They only saw them schmoop for three scenes in the ENTIRE SEASON. Will there be any relief!? Tell me that this is the last we’ll see of them together?

Yes there will be! THANK YOU ISABEL! We knew there was a reason we thought you were awesome. OH look, she’s brought a play date! It’s her human, Hugo. She manages to make the whole ‘mine’ thing sound dignified.

Isabel is offering her human Hugo to help Sookie infiltrate the FOTS. Hugo is going to risk his hide because he’d do just about anything for Isabel.

This is verified because all Hugo thinks is ‘Isabel’ and a lot of ‘4evers!’ Which is really really suspicious. Sookie buys it though and says it to Bill.

Izzy loves her Hugo! Oh and it would be an awesome idea because the FOTS people are chauvinistic on top of it.

Sookie confirms this. The matching robes are really too much! Ugh.

Back to the meeting of the Schmoop Busters Dream Team! ‘I considered booking you in the room adjoining theirs…but I thought it might be a bit…over the top.’ Not to mention incredibly tacky, Eric. Thank God you only considered that. Is anybody else noticing his feet or is that just me?

Lorena wants to know why she’s here. Interesting that she addresses Eric as ‘Mr. Northman’…it must be because of his position. He ranks above Lorena in the vamp hierarchy. At least she has some manners.

‘We want the same thing, you and I,’ Eric starts out, but Lorena sure as hell ain’t buying that line! So Eric amends, ‘Okay, Bill has something I want…’ MUCH better. Although I don’t really get why he wants her, apart from having a shiny telepathic toy/asset. Or maybe he’s just tired of Bill fucking up his investigation. ‘…and he’s in the way.’ And we’re kinda like Eric, Sweetie…err…Eric, GPness, I can play hard to get better than that fangbanger and I’m waaay more worth it than Sucky.

Lorena almost can’t believe this shit! That annoying brat?

Eric tells Lorena that Sookie is more than human and that he doesn’t quite know what she is. Regardless of that, Bill loves her…Hmm….plotting much? Is he also jealous much? Or does he find the prospect of love distasteful? I don’t think Eric believes in a thing called love.

‘What makes you think I want him back, that I’d even take him?’ Could it be? Lorena finds Bill too schmoopy? She dumped his ass because it’s lame? Yes, yes?

Because you didn’t come all this way just to see my sexy face. That’s my fanclub, btw. They go to Comic Cons and events and scream the loudest.

‘I haven’t seen Bill Compton in over 70 years. Surely you can’t think I have any pull over him whatsoever.’ Ugh. You mean Lorena is hung up over Schmoopy Face? NOOOOO!

‘I haven’t seen my maker for much longer than that and I am still loyal. Fiercely loyal.’ Interesting. So Eric really is coming to Dallas of his own volition and loyalty to his maker. What an awesome dude.

‘Shame I didn’t turn you.’ Got that right Lorena!

Unfortunately, or fortunately for us, Lorena’s tastes run schmoopy.

Cue piano music!

It’s the Roaring 20s in ChiTown! We learned about Bill playing his ragtime in the finale last season. Apparently Bill sings in Southern, but speaks in French accent. Can you say dead giveaway? He’s got a pretty good singing voice though. Looks like Bill is pretty chummy with Lorena…

Could they get more obvious? Lorena is SO Hard-Hearted Hannah. This is a Classic Lost Moment! The episode title! LOL.

Lor-Lor has found her mark!

They make chit chat. Lorena sees something she likes! Pretty necklace! She wantses it, the apology necklace! I wonder if there was a rape case surrounding that? 6kt diamond rings, necklaces, it’s all the same!  Lorena uses the fakest French accent ever.

Apparently her name is Fabienne Olivier from France. Uh huh. I can distinguish French Canadian and Parisian French accents. That is neither. The stupid Americans buy it.

Apparently these two suckers have never been to Europe. No way! Although Lor-Lor and Billy’s Long Con really sucks. Lorena rubs a bit of complimenting their way to get under their radar.

Lorena invites the stupid couple to ‘Fuck prohibition!’ with her and Bill later. Oh they really learned the meaning of ‘fucking prohibition!’ LOL TB! The pair agree to it.

Lor-Lor signals Bill to come over so they can close their deal. Did anyone else cringe when they heard the Ode to Lame Angst? That cello music makes me die a slow death every single time!

Bill introduces him self with ‘bonsoir’ heavy on the ‘r’. WRONG! No ‘r’ sounds unless the ‘r’ is followed by a vowel or consonant in French! Unless you’re a French Canadian speaking English, then you go crazy on r sounds! This is either a bad dialect coach, bad acting or a REALLY obvious and shitty con. This lady is really falling for this though. By the way, his name is Guillaume.

Guillermo? No! Guillaume. It’s French for William! Oh LOL TB!

Now Lor-Lor knows she has a sure thing! She’s lucky this is in the 20s, when dead pale was all the rage!

Because only repeated shots of her back would justify the time in the makeup chair and the expensiveness, we get another shot of Daphne’s back! So what happened to your back, Daphne?

Daphne doesn’t know what gave her that scratch, only that she was running when it happened. Umm…yeah right. I’d pin it on a minotaur! It slashed her, but by some miracle, she survived after weeks of being sick even though doctors didn’t know what it was. Uh huh. I call minotaur and Maryann!

They’re having a post-coital scene on a pool table. Classy and romantic! Cue schmoop! Daphne is the most amazing person Sam has met, but she doesn’t fall for that line. She pins it on Sam’s first honest sex, since she knows he’s a shifter.

Daphne rests her case because the only person Sam’s told the truth of his identity to is Sookie and he’s never slept with her. I hate that wannabe triangle! Don’t remind me! It was the triangle of everyone acting badly.

Daphne thinks Sam should tell people who he is and stop being ashamed of it. She doesn’t go selling the idea around, but the people who she loves knows that she’s a shifter. Interesting. Does being in Bill’s vicinity mean a lack of self-acceptance or is it just me? Anyway, Daphne is pretty damn right about that.

Why does Sam keep it secret? To quote Terry: “Coward.” It’s dangerous, why take the risk?

Daphne calls bullphucky! ‘...not taking risk is riskier.’

And it’s not just wordplay! Only vampires use wordplay! Only they have the time. If you’re not gonna deal with the danger of getting to know someone. You may as well not bother! People need to know the real Sam Merlotte, because Sam is speshul.

Cue more sex and schmoop!

It’s the next morning! Apparently the water heater at Gran’s has broke and the moochers are NOT happy. And you thought moochers and freeloaders didn’t complain? Of course, most don’t have manservants either. Does Sookie even know about them?

Tara asks if Eggs wants her to check it out while he holds the line, but Eggs is all macho and ‘I can do it! I’m the man of the house. No offense Karl.’ LOL.

Maryann complains about the situation, but when Tara apologizes that she doesn’t have a fancier crib for the freeloaders to squat in, Maryann tells her that she can’t do sarcasm without a hot shower in the morning. LOL.

After some haggling and some nice resurgence of Tara’s snark, Tara is able to bring Eggs on her journey to find the part for the water heater! And off on an adventure they go! Is anyone else not feeling Tara’s sky high hair?

Luke and Jason head to the church. They’ve been called for some task. Jason is all ‘uh oh!’ Is it just me or is that church like if Lord of the Rings went Christian?

They’re greeted by Steve and Sarah Newlin. Steve has a power tool, a screw driver, I might add. Overcompensating much? Steve is gay. He has to be.

They’ve got a job for the boys to do. Build a platform with a cross on it. *GASP* THEY ARE NOT BUILDING THE PLATFORM THEY ARE GONNA CHAIN UP MY ERIC ON! I DON’T THINK SO!

Jason wants to know if they’re being punished for something since the other recruits are off doing something else.

Steve wonders why Jason could think such a thing…while Jason glances at Sarah’s hand! LOL. The hand now touching the holy cross after it gave Jason a biblical handjob! Looks like honesty rings aren’t chastity rings!

Sarah stomps on Jason’s reluctance by being snarky. Stop sulking. Be thankful for the job you’ve been given, I’ll have you know that Jesus was a carpenter! Jason is Jesus and secondly, YOU WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO BIBLICALLY BURN MY ERIC! I DON’T THINK SO! Steve didn’t even think of the biblical parallels…ugh. Don’ you find it funny she’s got a pin with the American flag on it?

Steve wants to spill the beans on the why they’re building the platform. Sarah doesn’t. Crack in marriage no. 2! Oooh! Steve wants them to know since they’re the best of the best!

They are building the platform for a special ceremony called ‘meeting the sun!’ NO, YOU ARE NOT MAKING MY ERIC MEET THE SUN! I DON’T THINK SO!

Sarah still doesn’t want to reveal the secret, but since Luke knows thanks to the Internets! Lukinator gets to share with class! Meeting the sun is when you take a vamp, chain him to the cross before dawn and watch as he burns as the sun comes up. This is also a big show with bleachers for people to watch as the vamp burns and ignites. MURDERERS! NO, YOU ARE NOT WATCHING MY ERIC BURN! I DON’T THINK SO! Jason’s not into it either! Uh oh!

Hugo gives Sookie a fake engagement ring as part of their con. Keep in mind that like Billy and Lor-Lor, they suck at Long Cons too. She answers ‘Yes, Hugo, a thousand times yes!’ Santa exists? Oh. Pride & Prejudice? Wrong Mr. Darcy…

Sookie agrees to let Hugo do all the talking because then she can just read the minds of the church. Wonder how well THAT will work?

She tells Hugo that since she’s a mind reader, she’s got more than enough material to work with when it comes to cultists. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine! Uh huh, yeah right! Hugo believes her. Since Hugo is the first person she’s met who’s dated a vampire, she wants to know everything.

She wants to compare notes and Hugo humours her. When asked if they fight, Hugo says they fight like crazy. He fights because he cares enough to bother with Isabel. This already sounds quite toxic to me…

Sookie says that she feels like she’s fighting FOR their relationship and to stay together when she fights with Bill. Seriously? Because I’m thinking all those things you had fights about, like Bill killing another person is breakup material. But that’s just me. It might mean I’m not being sensitive to the fact that Bill’s a vampire, but their relationship is all kinds of messed up. One wonders when the final fight will be, because I honestly can’t stand them together for much longer.

We learn that the only thing that Hugo can’t discuss with Isabel is him being turned. This is something Sookie has never thought about. Seriously? Do we need to make her THAT dumb? It’s freaking obvious! Hugo wonders how vampires can still love humans in their 60s and 70s when they’re immortal.

This hits home for Sookie (She’s even got her crazy smile on!) and brings out the fact that there are a TON of holes in her and Bill’s relationship that have NEVER been filled. Rather interesting huh? You would think if a couple is committed to each other that they would. Sookie thinks she knows a lot about Bill, but in reality, she just doesn’t. I guess first love or maybe first lust is blinding Sookie. If she dies today, she never has to feel old or unloved. I wonder if that feeling will come quicker than she thinks.

In the car, Tara mocks Maryann. ‘Bitches, don’t you know that cold water and sarcasm do NOT mix!’ I miss this Tara.

Eggs is navigating. He gets Kara Thrace up on Tara and seems to recognize the way to Earth some weird shit. He finds a diner even though he’s never been there before.

Eggs tells Tara to pull over and wanders into the woods. Tara follows him in. It’s rather Hansel and Gretel.

Down at the bar, Arlene asks Terry if he’d like to do something with her. She’s set up a surprise. Poor Terry isn’t into surprises. Aww! I’m thinking Terry doesn’t want a mysterious woman, Arlene.

Over at Maxine Fortenberry’s table, more evidence that Daphne is a shitty waitress! With her total lack of wait skills, it’s obvious that she was sent to Merlotte’s to infiltrate Sam.

Maxine makes a VERY tacky joke, that if you’re too good a waitress at Merlotte’s, someone will try and kill you. Classy lady.

Andy pays a visit to Lafayette and he brushes some buns! LOL TB! Andy wants to know where Lafayette was for two weeks and why he seems to have lost some of his trademark pizazz! Because you know, a woman has died, the same woman who ripped off his cousin and auntie. Laffy’s kinda like ‘Do I look like a revenge killer? I am MUCH too fabulous, bitch.’ It’s interesting that Laffy is still wearing black. Something is clearly off.

Laffy reveals ‘I was on a cruise.’ ‘A cruise huh? What kind of cruise?’ ‘A gay one.’ LOL TB!

Andy doesn’t buy it, ‘You were not on any damn cruise! If you were, you would’ve come back with MORE pizazz, not less!’ Terry comes into the kitchen.

‘So how about you and I go down to the station and I lock you up? Leave you in a cell to rot until you confess. Or you can just tell me now!’ Andy threatens.

Lafayette cowers, Andy’s words has hit its mark.

It’s bringing back memories, his worst fear. ‘Cuz I already know what you doin’. You’re hiding out! Lying in wait! You killed that woman and carved her heart out! Now tell me I’m not right!’ This was funny, scary and incredibly creepy. Kudos on AS for getting Chris Bauer’s Andy dead on! Endy is super scary! The Eric head was awesome, even though it was obvious that they put AS in Chris Bauer’s wardrobe, because Andy’s beer gut went missing. Still, awesome.

Terry tells his cousin to leave Laffy alone.

Lafayette is petrified! Poor guy! *hugs*

Terry is VERY disappointed in Andy. When they used to play Cops and Robbers Andy used to make his arrests with dignity. Looks like Andy’s fallen a long way. Everybody also knows that Andy isn’t’ a cop anymore. So he tells Andy to get out and that Laffy is NOT a suspect. Laffy isn’t about to run to Andy either. Because the feeling isn’t right and he’s  definitely not going to run all night and Laffy is not running to him.

Terry gets Andy to apologize and realize that Terry is right.

My favourite and best scene of the night? When Terry comforts Lafayette. They’re two totally fucked up individuals coming together and Todd Lowe’s and Nelsan Ellis’ performances just SOLD it. Terry knows what Laffy is going through, because Terry has undoubtedly gone through the same. ‘Now I want you to imagine a glowing golden ball radiating warmth and safety.’ When Terry’s talking about that golden ball of light, you know he’s trying to get it to help him too.

Meanwhile for Hoyt, it’s time to move out of mama’s house! Apparently she canceled his cellphone because of his late night conversation with Jessica.

Aww! Hoyt is worried that Jess will think he’s one of those guys that don’t text back! Oh noes! What a cutie!

Maxine has visions of grandeur about herself. Apparently Jessica is after the money they do not have lol.

Maxine thinks she’s taking the first step, like some sort of intervention. Hoyt threatens her to reactivate it, or the next step is his!

Because Hoyt is awesome, he scandalizes the two old hags by telling them that the reason why Jessica calls late is because she’s a vampire! Nice one, Hoyt!

Meanwhile, Sam uses sexual harassment to get Daphne and him out of work so they can run, shift and fuck. It’s schmoopy and I’m bored. And then the two of them skip out on work. Sigh…

Meanwhile at Cult Camp, Jason and Luke build some sort of Vampire Pyre as Luke bastardizes a classic children’s song. ‘The big ol’ scary vampire went up the…’

Jason is so preoccupied that he hammers his own thumb. Since helping Luke climb the fence, Luke and Jason are back to BFFs! Since Jason is wearing his Ring of Honesty, Luke wants Jason to spill!

Jason is distraught by Luke’s words, that Sarah only wants him for his Johnson! Luke admits that he was just jealous. Besides, Jason deserves to be Golden Boy and Sarah is the holiest person he knows! Hey, even holy people practice adultery and help others masturbate!

Jason is in disbelief that Luke is abstinent, and not only that, but for 3 years…but hey, it’s not what Luke believes, it’s what God believes! How come humans have to believe what God believes? Anyway, sex outside of marriage, BAD! I’m there with ya! But I don’t follow much else…

Some sins are worse than others though. If you’re gonna do it out of wedlock, that lady better be single and unmarried too! Adultery is BAD! Yes, I’m with you there. It’s on par with incest and bestiality in fact! I cringed when Luke said those. I know you did too. Admit it! I’m still following here…though loosely…

But the creme de la creme and the thing that’s the 11th Commandment in the Church of the Fellowship of the Sun? Thou shalt not do it with a vampire dude! No repentance, going straight to hell! And you can’t pay your way out either. I’m thinking we need to sic Eric on Lukinator. Boy’s gotta live a little. Who wouldn’t want to go where it’s warm all year round with Eric? C’mon! Officially lost me!

Because God is totally into repentance and forgiveness up to a point, Jason tries on ‘Jason Stackhouse, abstinent.’ Like it’s gonna last two seconds.

It don’t really sound all that great to Jason. But oh look! It’s an Easter Egg like on Lost! It’s Sookie’s car in the distance! However, he does have awesome lyrics! ‘The big ol’ scary vampire went to the sun to fry.’ YOU CAN FRY ANY VAMPIRE YOU WANT, BUT YOU ARE NOT FRYING MY ERIC! NUH UH, NO WAY! Oh and Jason? Please stop borrowing clothes from your sister’s closet.

Meanwhile, Sarah goes up to the front to meet the human infiltrators. Apparently Sookie has seen Sarah on TV and thinks she looks like pudding.

Sookie fails at conning when she runs her mouth introducing herself and Hugo to Sarah. Sarah and Sookie exchange a myriad of Southern greetings that make you smile. And even though Sookie made an idiot of herself, you couldn’t help but smile, because it was adorable and awesome in its own dorky way. It must be because she’s away from Bill. I swear Bill sucks the life out of Sookie. Poor Hugo can’t even get a word in. LOL Marigold!

‘I thought you were gonna let me do the talking.’ ‘When I get nervous, sometimes I talk too much.’ LOL, No shit!

Meanwhile in Steve’s office, Sookie relates their fake story of meeting in church and leaving soon after because OMFG! the pastor was a dirty, dirty vampire sympathizer! It’s even worse than being homosexual! You know what’s worse than that? A homosexual, vampire sympathizing pastor!

This is EXTREMELY upsetting for Steve. How can you love something that God detests! *GASP*

Because they hate vampires so much, Holly and Rufus have decided to make the Fellowship of the Sun their home!

You know why this shot is the LULZ? Jesus is in Sarah and Steve’s relationship too! Aww! Outside? Thrilled that they’re getting two new church members. Inside? Steve can’t wait to take the 2000 year old vamp out of the basement and put him to justice that all that time couldn’t do! Godric has been found!

Irony? ‘It’ll be amazing to finally be around like minded people. I don’t care what anyone says about vampires being able to control themselves. I know better. I know that every single one of them is a vicious, blood-thirsty killer.’ Except dear old, Billykins right? WRONG! I can’t wait until Sookie finds out that Bill isn’t as perfect or as good as he or she’d like to believe. He’s every bit as much of a vampire as Eric.

Lorena has a dream! More like a memory!

Bill regales in threatening Sidney and his wife. Looks like he and Lor-Lor have found a new pad! It’s schwank and he likes!

These two sweethearts sit Sidney in his armchair so he can watch his wife get terrorized.

Bill wants Sidney to say ‘Au revoir’ in a shitty English and French accent with the words. Why are they doing this? Simply because they can. Bill is certainly NO saint. In fact, he just looks like an incredible hypocrite. Worse than that, by constraining Jessica in such a tight band of behavior with no behavior outside the boundaries being deemed acceptable, he runs the risk of turning her into the very person he was in the 20s, he runs the risk of making her Malcolm, Diane and Liam. How many teenagers do the exact opposite of what they’re told? We seek to gain what we don’t have. Why do you think Jessica was so freed by becoming a vampire? Because she was constrained in her mortal life.

Bill drains Sidney’s wife as he watches on screaming in horror.

Lorena offs him before he can reach Ginger levels of screamage. ‘Fucking prohibition’ get it? Getting drained after some sex play is definitely fucking prohibition! Or fucking prohibition gone bad!

Bill and Lorena are totally turned on by this!

But wait, Bill stops to remove the necklace that Lorena liked from the woman’s aware, yet dying body.

Bill wants Lorena to have the necklace. Aww! Lorena loves this thoughtful and generous William Compton! Irony.

While this poor girl bleeds out and dies, still semi-conscious with her dead hubby not 10 feet away and dead…

Lorena and Bill have crazy blood lust sex. And we’re like ‘oh wow, Bill can actually have hot sex! It must only be Sookie then.’

Why Bill is a messy eater? He’s an animal. I wonder if he still is. I wonder if it’s what he’s trying to hide from Sookie and from everyone else. I wonder if Eric knows. I wonder what made him change. I wonder if he’s really changed at all and is merely just hiding this side of him. I wonder if mainstreaming is a farce. I wonder if Bill Compton is really the guy in the flashback or Sookie’s guy. I wonder if this is the supposed youthful impulse. I wonder if Bill is merely using that as an excuse. There’s a saying ‘You are the company you keep.’ Bill is definitely the company he has keeps. If I were Sookie, I’d be curious as to why a guy who’s so good and nice has friends like Malcolm, Liam and Diane. What does that say about him?

These two feedings highlight the differences between Eric and Bill. That although Eric is portrayed to be a jerk, mean, cruel, evil even, he shows kindness and respect to a woman he feeds upon. Bill on the other hand is portrayed as good and of moral character, yet he has been shown brutalizing a woman, draining and killing her for sport. We can then say that underneath that hard exterior, Eric is a pretty good guy, but underneath his bunny suit, Bill is clearly not. He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Bill is very much the outlaw that he condemned in previous episodes.

Kara Thrace has pulled her Leoben for about 45 minutes through a brisk forest hike that Leoben does NOT appreciate.

Kara Thrace discovers exactly why she’s death incarnate! She’s been to Earth before! Death abounds! Leoben is freaked out!

Kara Thrace has no clue why she remembers a place that she’s never been to! OMFG! Leoben is as snarky as ever! SOOO not helping! I grew up in a foster home in Caprica! They don’t exactly take intergalactic field trips to another planet! DUUUUD!

Kara Thrace comes upon her missing Raptor with her body in it! *GASP!* Something bad must have happened! There’s a bloody rock!

I don’t wanna be the harbinger of death!

Leoben walks Kara Thrace back to the Galactica.

Now they’ve gotten to the part of the tour where they get to see the mass hall! ‘Careful now, sometimes when we open these doors, so much love comes out that it will knock you down if you’re not careful!’ *Snicker* Steve is just too much sometimes lol.

We’ll be sure to brace ourselves!’ Hugo’s like ‘What planet is he from?’

Steve and Sarah open the doors to reveal that they take the name ‘Fellowship of the Sun’ to the nth degree! That’s a really cool set. THEY HAD BETTER NOT BE CHAINING MY ERIC UP TO THAT SURFBOARD! I DON’T THINK SO!

Holly and Rufus decide they want to get married here. But before they can get away…

Steve invites them into a lock-in. Because they’re teenagers in more ways than one this church. Steve doesn’t think Holly is Christian at all! Sarah doesn’t want to bring Holly into this. She thinks that the vampires made her do it.

Sookie makes a gallant attempt at playing her part and trying to get her and Hugo out of the FOTS.

However, she and Hugo are not on the same page…Oops. They really needed to plan this out better. They just suck at Long Cons.

And then of course, things go from bad to worse, Steve brings in Gabe who will be joining them for the rest of the tour! Not only that, he’s thinking about Sookie’s tits. Book lovers are all going DUN, DUN, DUN!

Sarah likes this even less than Sookie. Oooh.

Meanwhile it’s night out in Bon Temps. Andy is rehashing Tara’s escapades from last season.

He slams on the breaks when he sees a dog and a pig crossing the road! OOOH! Looks like Daphne is the oinker! She is SOOO cavorting with Maryann!

Andy gives chase to the pig! ‘Hey Pig! Pig! Wait up!’

Andy is thwarted. ‘Stupid fucking pig!’

Daphne and Sam feel exhilarated after their run, but Sam wants to know why Daphne turned into a pig. He expected her to turn into a dog. Daphne explains that pig is her go-to shift. Sam begins asking too many questions, he realizes that it seemed like Andy recognized the pig.

Sam won’t let it go. It’s weird.

So Daphne uses another method to get him to forget. Let’s blame Daphne for Swine Flu!

Meanwhile at Merlotte’s, Pam makes an appearance! ‘Remember me?’ We miss you greatly Pam. Although for once, I’m not feeling your hair. I wonder if you’ve got go-go boots on.

This scares the bejeezus out of Laffy. ‘Oh you do! How’s life?’ ‘Not so good. Is you real?’

‘Hmm…This is nice, I could sleep here in a pinch.’ LOL, I love Pam!

Lafayette wonders why Pam is here. As it turns out, they didn’t glamour Laffy because he has to remember that he owes them! Oooh!

‘Eric sent me with a ‘request’. You’re back in business!’ Looks like Laffy has to deal V for the vamps! Interesting. I wonder if Eric is setting up a trap for pussylover9 in order to find out how they trapped Godric and get him closer to finding him. Or maybe Eric is trying to trap others who deal V…hmmm…

‘Oh no, I’m out of that shit!’ ‘So sorry, but you are very much back in this shit.’ LOVE Pam!

AWWW! Pam inherited daddy’s eyebrow! Laffy wants to know why after having held him for over 2 weeks and tortured him for dealing V, why vamps themselves are dealing it. Pam is steadfast. ‘We’re not. You are. Get to work.’

Pam then heads out.

It’s now night out in Dallas. Uh oh. Steve wants to show the guests his father’s tomb. OOH!

Sarah is reluctant to take them down to the tomb and says as much to Steve who brushes her off.

Upon seeing the stairs that neither of them want to go down, Rufus tells Steve that both Holly and he are a little claustrophobic to try and get out of it.

Steve keeps pushing that the tomb is something they should see and Sarah gets even more reluctant. There is definitely a schism between the Newlins.

Sookie makes a final plea to leave. They’ve decided upon the church and they’ll call the Newlins with a date for their wedding. Steve says no. He and Gabe pull Hugo and Sookie down the stairs!

Bill wakes up, knowing something is wrong with Sookie. I’m rolling my eyes…This again! Ugh.

We needn’t worry though. He’s in Lorena’s clutches! OOOH!

Steve has got Sookie and is attempting to bring her down the stairs as she clutches the banister in an attempt to get away. This is truly harrowing stuff to watch!

Sarah watches on in horror as Steve calls Sookie a cunt. She is exposed to a side of her husband she has never seen. I wonder if such a revelation with happen with Sookie and Bill. Sarah is absolutely horrified.

And because Lorena made Bill, he can’t overpower her. Power to your maker!

Looks like Crispy Bill is thwarted once again!

And in for some sexual harassment! Oooh!

Gabe and Steve are at last able to subdue Sookie.

Sarah is sorry, but she can’t do anything.

Entering the house, Eggs and Tara find it completely trashed! Tara comments that people are pigs! Oh Tara, you have NO idea!

Eggs and Tara follow the mess outside all the while smoking a joint. Smart! There’s a crazy mess with no one around and I’m gonna smoke a joint? This is worse than the reactions on Lost.

They come about the orgy and I’m sorry, but this has got to be the Most Unsexy Orgy. EVER.

There’s lots of random people doing it but it’s just like…whatever. I guess Maryann’s kinda worn out her welcome in her wild parties that weren’t really that wild and her orgies that weren’t sexy.

Tara’s like WTF!?

Looks like this was Arlene’s surprise for Terry.

All the while, Maryann positively buzzes. I’m guessing she’s draining their energy like a succubus.

Jessica wakes up in Dallas. Sweetie, some advice, you’ll wanna remove the makeup before bed or you’ll end up all crusty like your daddy!

The first thing she does is check her phone messages, but there’s none there! Poor Hoyt’s cell phone was canceled. Aww!

Jessica is PO’d and she will let Bill know.

She takes two bottles of TruBlood and pours it down the sink! I really hope that’s not a metaphor. Take that Bill! Bill always gets karma thrown his way. He makes Eric pay for his bottle two episodes ago, now he’ll have to pay for his bottle as well as Jessica’s that she never drank. HAH! Everything always cycles back to Bill. Like how the FOTS is currently biting him in the ass. Karmic retribution!

There’s a knock at the door! OMG It’s Hoyt! Can you say totally romantic?

Jessica struggles with the locks while Hoyt apologizes outside. Aww!

Jessica is just amazed that he came! He even brought flowers. Hoyt apologizes that they’ve kinda wilted because of how hot it was in his car. Aww!

Jessica is so happy she could cry, but she doesn’t want to because it’s really gross! LOL!

They are SO cute!

In the FOTS church, Jason finds Sarah crying up on the balcony. He tells her that he and Luke have finished the platform. YOU HAD BETTER NOT BE BURNING MY ERIC ON THAT THING! I DON’T THINK SO!

Sarah is upset that Steve isn’t the man she thought he was.

Poor simple minded Jason regrets what he and Sarah did and doesn’t want to blame the victim.

Sarah reveals that the whole purpose of the Soldiers of the Sun isn’t to protect the humans, but to start a war.

Lately, Sarah’s been seeing another side of Steve, one she doesn’t like. ‘He’s vicious, cruel…and he uses the C word!‘ LOL. Steve sounds an awful lot like the vampires he’s trying to exterminate. Not only that, Sarah is being lied to and their marriage isn’t a partnership anymore, he’s shutting her out.

Sarah tries to kiss Jason after he comforts her, but he backs out of it. He can’t do it.

Sarah once again manipulates Jason. When she was a little girl, she believed she was put on earth to be behind a great man. She used to think that guy was Steve. Now she sees that she’s supposed to be with Jason.

Jason doesn’t want to do this. It’s wrong. Sarah is married. Sarah says she’s not married in her heart, not anymore. Interesting concept.

Sarah tells Jason that God is commanding her to do this. So now they can have holy sex!

Sarah is definitely using God to her advantage, but Jason believes it.

I think Sarah is incredibly human and sympathetic. She’s a good person underneath. She’s using sex to forget about her problems, with Steve, the extent of the agenda of the FOTS etc. And they’re having sex in a church! Oooh!

Meanwhile, Sam is getting even more suspicious of Daphne and where she’s taking him. She tells him not to be a Nervous Nellie! It’s a surprise!

Sam is NOT feeling the drums! This is when he should book it for reals! After all, drumming is all hippies and cults! LOL. Oh Sam. You have NO idea! Daphne says as much.

She watches on as Sam is held by two people who have darted out of the woods. See, Daphne’s whole purpose was to infiltrate you, trap you and bring you to Maryann!

‘Sorry Sam.’ I don’t think she’s very sorry.

They bring Sam to the Most Unsexy Orgy. EVER!

Tara has become an extra in The Grudge too, but I don’t think she’ll remember it in the morning!

Sam is mentally scarred by this! ‘What the fuck is this!?’

‘It’s the end of the road.’

Daphne has always been in cohorts with Maryann. She takes the bullhead and crowns Maryann with it.

That’s a telling shot, isn’t it?

Karl has a knife! OMFG! They’re gonna sacrifice a collie!


Hope you enjoyed my recap! If all things go to plan, I’ll be recaping next week with a special guest, Lil!

The caps are from black-celebration.net this week with additional caps done by me.



39 Responses to “Why Bill is a Messy Eater”

  1. […] Why Bill is a Messy Eater Woo! I got the recap out a little early this time. Click on the picture! […]

    • I agree! This episode cuts to the heart of V Bill, finally! Hope there”s more like it to come.

  2. I love Eric! I’d can’t wait for the Sookie action with him. And I think Bill is nice, but not enough for me.

    What you said about Bill being the wolf in sheeps clothing, I think may be true, but that doesn’t mean Eric is so nice. He’s been around for years, he said liking something about humans screaming or resisting when feeding. He was probably just as bad as Bill or worse. I think they don’t really have to show it as much like in flash backs because Eric doesn’t try to be nice, he his who he is. I think your right about Bill though. They are trying to show us that he is just as bad, no matter how sweet he acts.

    But either way, I like them both.

    BTW thanks for this, its great!

  3. OMG… love it!!! You are so funny and right on target. Eric is rocking what little screen time they give him…. as usual. Schmoop fest was tolerable for the most part. Loved Andy.. Hey Pig! Pig! Wait up pig! Maybe best lines in show. Right up there with Pam’s, You’re back in business.

    BTW… I’m sure you caught that it was Sookie and Hugo’s car driving around the bend in the background while Jason and Lukenator were pounding away on the stand… and Jason and Lukenator were also shown out the picture window when Sookie was talking to Psycho Bible Couple’s office. Nice touch. As you say.. there are so many little clues to everything.

  4. Sorry Eric is an ass for trying to take Sookie away from Bill. If that is the type of guy you worship and look up to I pity your sons and daughters who could be on the sh*ity end of the deal. I HATE Eric, there is nothing appealing about him. Arrogant, self-serving, full of himself, and he is average looking oh yes a real winner NOT! Bill is dark, moody, sexy, romantic, a bad boy who is trying to be good and is completely devoted to the one he loves. Now that is what you should want in a man!

    • darkvamp. This ‘If that is the type of guy you worship and look up to I pity your sons and daughters who could be on the sh*ity end of the deal.’ is a personal attack. I DO NOT tolerate those at my blog. Should you continue to post here and attack me, or any of the posters here, I will not hesitate in deleting any of your comments. This is your first and only warning.

      Everything I post here is the opinion of me, and my fellow posters. I have made clear terms that at my site, we are Eric Lovers. If you don’t like that or my opinions, you’re not going to change our minds by posting here. These opinions are based upon what we see in the show. I post here simply to add to the discourse on True Blood.

      I agree that Eric is an ass for mate poaching, but it’s Eric. He’s manipulative, I never said he wasn’t. Eric may be arrogant, self-serving, and full of himself but that does not mean that he is devoid of good qualities or that his good qualities have not been shown on our screens. You just have to look beneath the surface. He is very much like Sawyer on Lost.

      If one looks beneath the surface, one must wonder if Bill really is all he says he is. He is certainly trying to be good. I just don’t think Bill really is all that good underneath. Does a guy who is so good to you shout at you, insult you, call you a child, shove you or play mind games with you? Yet Bill does all this and more in Episode 2. Perhaps even more frightening is how he has made Jessica hate herself because of his own self-loathing. Is that good or healthy? I think we’re going to see a reversal in the perceptions of both Bill and Eric on the show.

      Also, I can want what I want in a man. Who are you to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do? I believe that underneath Eric is a good person, just like he is in the books.


    • Maybe you haven’t read the books. Bill’s no saint.

  5. I don’t think you’re treating Bill right, god Eric ain’t perfect either and i hate sookie with eric i love bill with sookie so cut the crap.

    • Perhaps, but my opinion of Bill is my opinion of Bill and I refuse to not say what I’m thinking of him, whether or not it’s fair. It’s also my blog to write what I choose to write and I’m not going to change any time soon. Why write lies about what I feel? I never said Eric was perfect either, he’s far from it. That’s why I find him incredibly interesting. His dichotomy is enthralling. If you don’t like what I’m writing about Bill, don’t read it.


  6. F**king brilliant as usual! LMAO! NO THEY ARE NOT GOING TO BURN MY ERIC!!! LOL. With ya, my girl! This is one the highlights of my week! Thanks for doing them

  7. Before I even finish reading the recap or all the responses I want to remind our new and veteran posters we do NOT tolerate personal attacks on anyone, including ourselves, our wonderful posters, and the actors. It’s one thing to go after the character but if you cannot separate the actor from the character then please don’t post.

    Secondly, this blog was created by Simba, Lil, and Scooby and if we want to bring up the fact Bill is a hypocrite, Sookie needs to find herself and fast, or Eric needs to find another way to get close to Sookie (like he does in the books) or God freakin’ forbid talk about the fact the writing in several episodes is sucking we can. We put the time, effort, and work into it and we are damn proud of it.

    I plan on addressing Bill in the very near future so I will withhold any more comment on the characters but I do want to say I love SM and the fact he can make me dislike Bill so much is a credit to his talent. And for AS I love him, huge fan, but in epi 18 he pissed me off and that to says so much for AS as an actor especially considering he only had about 3 minutes to achieve it!

    • Exactly. We are not here to kiss the ass of True Blood, the writers or any of the characters. They are not gods devoid of faults. We’re fans of the show, we like and enjoy it, but that doesn’t mean we don’t point out things that we dislike about it or question and criticize it. That being said, we also give praise where it is due. If we have something to say, we will say it, whether or not it’s popular, it’s an opinion and important for the view to be heard.


  8. Duuudde. Sweet review. What happens to Erik? (obviously not a book reader yet) He doesn’t die does he? ahhh!!!

    • In the books, Eric is never chained up…however, from the fact that he appears in spoilers and was caught filming scenes for Episode 12, it is pretty safe to say that Eric gets out of it. That and he’s seen grabbing Steve Newlin around the neck with burn marks on his arms and neck…so…ERIC LIVES!


  9. Loved your recap.
    Well, I did like the episode, but only when compared to the other ones. And, unfortunately, that is not saying much. I’m really really disappointed with how things are being handled on TB.

    Anyways… About 2.6 episode.
    I actually did like AP’s acting (miracles DO happen, you see hehehe). Sookie did look crazy, but when she needed to. And not as in a “I’m a bipolar person that forgot my meds but decided to smoke some crack instead”.
    Loved to see the “darker Bill”. I agree with you that “darker Bill” is way more interesting then “I’m a Saint. Look at me, I’m holier than all the Saints and God himself”. I do wonder how Sookie will react when she finds out that (Surprise!!!!) Bill is not that perfect (but hey, he did tried to tell her that. She was the one that didn’t want to listen! I need to give him that much!).

    I felt bad for Lorena. 😦
    She was acting like someone that was dumped by a guy she loved very much and to me that is always sad. Ok, ok, I know she is not that nice of a person, but they were not nice together… Anyways…

    Jason, Jason… I’m loving him this season! That’s all I have to say hehehe
    And I’m also loving the FotS plot. They are so funny. I know it is not nice to like to see them that much, but them, Jessica (and Hoyt), Terry and Eric (not all times, though) are my favorite things…

    Hoyt and Jessica: loved it.
    But isn’t Eric paying for Bill’s expenses?! O.o
    Was Jessica (and Daddy) waisting Eric’s money?! heheeh
    Loved that scene w/ Maxine. Perfect! Loved how Hoyt reacted to his moms narrow minded actions and prejudice!

    You know, I actualy like Maryanne/Tara/Eggs this episode!
    We finally got a believable Orgy Scene! (maybe one of them decided to rent “Caligula” to see how an Orgy Scene is supposed to be… hum…

    Loved the Andy(Eric)/Terry/Laffy moment. It was just so perfectly writen and acted… Wonderful!!!

    Pam?! Hum… Not so much. What did they do to her?! Did she tried to mimic Lady Gaga?! O.o

  10. I absolutely LOVE your recaps. Just so you know.

  11. Your recaps are FTW!! I agree with everything you’ve said about Bill…and I LOVED LOVED LOVED Crazy!Bill compared to the cardboard cut-out Bill we get every week.


    Look forward to tomorrow’s ep and your recap of it!! HUGS!

  12. Your recap was absolutely awesome as always! Thanks for taking the time doing these. I appreciate it very much!

  13. This recap was really interesting and brought up a lot of issues I hadn’t even thought of, especially pertaining to Bill and Eric and their respective characters.

  14. I really love your recaps! Thanks for doing them.

  15. Spell check. Just sayin’.


    * ‘Shame I didn’t turn you.’

    Second best line of the night, hands down. HOT. I was basically like “OK, now THIS is what I came here for!” but alas no Lorena – Eric connection tonight.

    * Best line of the night: Hoyt with the “She’s gonna think I’m one of those guys” line. Oh how I adore that boy!

    * I have found Tara’s styling also really poor. Must be the same person in charge of Sookie. The really need to try and keep it simple. Also, why did Pam look like the missing member of the B-52s? Weird.

    * “the Most Unsexy Orgy. EVER.”
    ha ha. so true.

  17. Nice job Simba.
    As always interesting and funny.
    I am still not happy with Eric’s airtime.

  18. Finally got to finish this!! And as always it’s so right on!!!

    Ok I am gonna go get ready for tonight and get my note pad out, I really have to pay attention this week!!!

  19. Funny as always! I have to say that if I didn’t love the books so much, I wouldn’t be at all interested in True Blood. I think i actually *hate* TB-Sookie. She is nothing like the Sookie I know and love. And if I have to hear her talk much more, I’m going to have to stop watching for my own sanity. I don’t really understand how they’ve managed to butcher so much on this show. As much as I love Alex, TB-Eric isn’t true to book-Eric at all. I hope we’re seeing a trend towards deepening his character. Right now I’m only watching in the hopes of that, and also for Jessica and Hoyt, who are adorable. See, I know they can make relationships that aren’t puke-inducing. S/B and Sam/Daphne make me gag. “Ooooh, when we fight I know we’re really fighting for our relationship.” No, Sookie. You’re both idiots.

    • I’ve grown to like True Blood separate from the books. It’s like a whole different universe as far as I’m concerned. I like both Erics for different reasons. That being said, I can’t help but wish that TB Sookie would be more like Book Sookie and less annoying, naive and just plain dumb. It’s just really annoying to see her hang off a guy like Bill.


  20. Great re-cap Simba! i totally agree with TVG’s post as well. I’m not a TB Sookie lover, and on other sites i would be told (in an oh so respectful way of course) to just not watch the show. Here we have the right to voice an alternate & personal opinion & still continue to be fans of the show regardless. I have to tip my hat (& i’m not even wearing one) to the writer who came up with my favorite line of the episode — Sarah telling Jason to “be thankful for the job he’s been given.” Classic! Hoyt & Jess are an absolute JOY to watch. So, as hard as this may be to believe…not everyone thinks that the only reason to watch the show is the oh so beautiful & pure romance between Bill & Sookie.

    • Pure as lies! C’mon! LOL. Sookie lies to Bill and Bill lies to Sookie. They’re together because Sookie reflects a vision of Bill he’d likens himself to be and because Bill’s mind is quiet to Sookie. That’s the basis of their relationship. That’s it! And a lot of lust, sure. But there’s no trust. They never even KNEW each other before they got together. She used Bill when they hooked up because of the pain she felt from her grandmother’s death.

      I believe we all should be able to offer differing opinions as long as it’s done in a respectful manner.


  21. I love your observations about the differences between Eric and Bill and how they relate to their dinners. (for lack of a better word!) I think it IS very telling. Eric is simply more considerate about it, even though his little snack was less than satisfactory, he still didn’t make a big mess and get blood all over the place. It made me think of that line from Interview With The Vampire where Lestat tells Claudia she’s done very well, not a drop spilt. Just good vampire manners not to spill blood all over you, your date, the bed, the walls….And it shows a certain consideration.
    It DOES occur to me that Bill may be embarrassed or ashamed of his past behavior and maybe that’s why he’s trying to be all goody-goody now. He can’t accept what he is, we know this from the self-loathing he’s teaching Jessica. Still, he’s a jerk for just letting Sookie assume he’s a good guy when he knows he isn’t. I’m not sure I buy this perspective, but it was something I had considered and I thought I’d throw it out there.

    Love the reviews, you pick up on so much stuff I don’t! I have to read them to see what I missed when I watched!

    • Thanks so much!

      I do think Bill is ashamed of his past behavior and trying to atone for it, but his mopeyness is just laughable now, not to mention annoying! I’d rather see a character like Sawyer, who was angry and bitter on the outside, because inside he hated himself and was trying to seek redemption than a character like Bill whose angst is on his sleeve 24/7. It just gets old quick. And I do think he’s a jerk for letting Sookie think he’s a good guy when he knows he may not be. He’s not giving her all the facts that she needs going into their relationship. It’s only going to implode on them. It’s a house of cards, built on lies.


      • ITTTTTTA. Sawyer is compelling and heart-breaking while Bill is just…irritating.

  22. AWESOME RECAP!!!!!
    Love this line:
    And we’re kinda like Eric, Sweetie…err…Eric, GPness, I can play hard to get better than that fangbanger and I’m waaay more worth it than Sucky.
    LOL =)

  23. I loved your recap! Thank you for sharing your perspectives! 🙂

  24. Noticing his feet? Why, yes I am!

    Yours truly,
    Eric’s Legs tribute profile on Twitter

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