TBZ: One Conversation, Five Episodes

So this episode was okay…it was largely a bunch of stretched out scenes that you didn’t really care that much about. Ie. the Sam/Daphne and the Tara/Eggs. The Sam/Daphne and the Tara/Eggs and the Tara/Maryann arc are just arcs I just don’t care that much about, if at all. Maryann has become boring. I’m getting tired of her and it feels like she’s being stretched out. Same with Tara and Eggs and Sam and Daphne.  The action is just NOT in Bon Temps. This episode had a lot of talking and not much doing, not to mention conversations that are the same after five episodes. What is this? Dragon Ball Z? One kamehameha shout for 10 episodes?

That being said, it was still alright. I didn’t hate it, it wasn’t spectacular, but I really liked parts of it. First of all, we have the Sookie we more or less see in the books. Sure, she acts much more naive and is still super schmoopy with Bill, but you know what, when she got fiesty, she didn’t put on this bitch face which made me want to slap her. So that was an improvement over Episode 3. It was a glimpse, but it was more align with who Sookie is in the books. Not only that, her word to Eric means something and she understands part of Eric’s logic where Bill doesn’t, because he’s too focused on himself and coveting Sookie from everyone else.

As for Bill, he’s just annoying me at this point. As a character, he’s just so fucking uninteresting and one note, it’s retarded. We’ve explored the extent of Bill and he’s boring. He’s rotten milk curdling at this point, way past expired. I’m tired of his moping, angst and self-loathing. I’m tired of his paternalism over Sookie. I’m tired of his highhandedness and supposed moral high ground. I’m tired of him being controling. I’m tired of him badmouthing others. I’m tired of his selfishness. I’m tired of his hypocritical actions. I’m just plain tired of Bill. It’s like Jack and his daddy issues. Go take a hike, please! For fuck’s sake, you’ve had over 150 some odd years since you’ve been turned to get over this. You’re a vampire! Get used to it! If you hate it so much, check out at the door. It’s called ‘meeting the sun’. Every time he’s on screen, I roll my eyes! TB Bill has made me realize that any resentment I feel for the character Bill is from the show and not the books. It makes me realize that I actually appreciate Book Bill. I actually like him to an extent!

I’m bored to tears with Bill and Sookie as a couple. They just drain the show. Like Eggs and Tara, they are having the same conversation over and over. “Am I good at this?” “Yes.” Neither of them are going to grow together. Not only that, they’re just annoying and painful to watch and they bring out the worst in each other. The more Sookie is with Bill, the more she looks naive, dumb, dependent, like she has no other aspirations than to be Bill’s girlfriend. The more Bill is with Sookie, the more paternalistic, highhanded and racist he gets. Their relationship is just plain toxic and toxic to us to have to sit through as viewers. If I have to watch them make schmoopy face, have ick sex and act douchey for much longer, I may have to start skipping their scenes. Break them up quicky in Season 3 (They’re supposed to last through this season. Kill me or stock me up with Esulin) and stop holding the audience hostage, FFS. I don’t even care about Eric/Sookie at this point, because she so doesn’t deserve him!

What the show needs more of? Eric! Again, he’s under utilized and only inserted in the last half of the show. He’s something that is always interesting to watch because he’s unpredictable, unlike the one trick pony that is Bill. We also need more Pam, Lafayette and Jessica. They are totally being underused and it’s unfortunate because they, along with Eric, are one of the few things that is actually worth watching! When they’re doing contract negociations for Season 3, I suggest they move Sam to the B cast and either Jason or Tara, in order to move up people that are actually worth watching like Eric, Pam, Lafayette and Jessica and have longevity for the rest of the series. With Pam, she’s Eric’s right hand, she’ll be there for awhile. It looks like Laffy is going to be their day man. That could work! And Jessica is a newborn vamp. It works! Not only that, it’s becoming clear that the vampire related plots are the best.

Enough with the rant! To the recap!

Far from the party and into the forest, Daphne leads Sam through the woods. This is amusing because Daphne is the nymph Apollo chased, who became a tree. Is it a coincidence that Daphne is a shifter and the Sam is chasing her and Maryann is a maenad? I think not!

She’s stripping all the way through. She’s saying Sam is lonely and calls him a fibber when he denounces it. This is probably the least interesting opening ever.

Daphne goes deeper into the Jungle of Mystery, leaving Sam behind. He calls to her, but she’s gone. He comes upon a Bambi.

It turns out Daphne IS Bambi. Most underwhelming reveal ever. Kinda like Daniel is Ms. Hawking’s son or that mommy will kill son in 1977. Everyone saw it coming as soon as the first death spoilers hit. Honestly. And Bambi, watch out for Cheney. It’s probably hunting season soon and he’s got a gun.

Oh Sam, we all knew! I’m so sorry you’re the last to know.

Time for True Blood!

Sam is still freaking out and we’re just like…that was sooo 90 seconds ago! Sheesh.

Daphne is all Shapeshifter, card carrying member! Woo! Oh and Sam sucks at incognito. Lassie jumped into the lake and emerged Timmy. She noticed.

Daphne tells Sam that he’s not alone anymore. It’s kinda sweet.

They start rubbing noses together. I think the Elton John song is on backlogged though. It’s not epic enough.

Before the moment can get schmoopy, Arlene and Terry interrupt! Looks like everyone goes into the woods…for you know…Terry is…off. You know, seeing dinosaurs and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds and all.

This is just sorta awkward because you know, there’s two naturists and only one is currently one with nature and the humanfolk are out and about.

Daphne does like a nymph and runs off. Sam’s no alpha and no Apollo either, I guess. It’s at this point when I realize the musical barstools that is Merlotte’s is almost like the musical beds of Grey’s…or so I hear.

Sam doesn’t get some but Terry will! He really needs to relieve the pressure! They’ll see Sam at work. ‘C’mon special lady.’ Oh Terry, you’re so fucked up, crazy and weird, but we love you.

Barry is NOT happy to have Sookie catch up with him. She’s giving him brain cramps. I wonder if that’s the universal expression for ‘I have to deal with Sookie.’

Sookie is just ecstatic to meet Barry. It’s someone just like her! ME, ME, ME!

Barry does NOT want to talk to Sookie. I wonder if it’s like that with everyone too. Just go away!

They’re interrupted by a McGlamoured. Apparently if you listen to them all you hear is opera music.

But Sookie can’t tell the difference between disco and opera. Production error? Because even for Sookie…that’s dumb.

We find out that neither Sookie or Barry can be glamoured, but Barry fakes it. He is so the woman in the relationship.

Sookie uses her mind to ask Barry if he hears vampire thoughts, but he tells her to shut up. Remember Kate “Tattler” Austen!

Barry warns her to be careful. His vamps aren’t pansy asses. No shit. ‘It’s Dallas baby!’ The vamps are scary as shit.

Sookie says that her’s are scary too and she had to learn to handle herself pretty quickly. I would say that she hasn’t learned very well. It’s another class she’s flunking. Case in point, let’s be snippy to the Sheriff! Anyway, she claims to know that the vamps would do worse than suck her dry…in that case, why get snippy with the Sheriff? She wants to compare notes with Barry.

Barry doesn’t want any of that. He wants his identity kept secret and he doesn’t want to play superhero either. The I’m a Shifter, You’re a Shifter AWESOME! is contrasted by the I’m a Telepath, You’re a Telepath OH SHIT! Unacceptance of who you are happens when you’re around Bill. It needs a Billism, Stop It campaign quick.

Meanwhile in the hotel room, Jessica is being scolded for ordering off the menu. Umm…she ordered off the freaking menu and it’s not hunting. They HIRE people to feed the vamps. Secondly, you use Sookie as your personal buffet, so hypocrisy much? He’s like one of those vegetarians who act like everyone else should be vegetarians too, never mind the fact that it’s personal choice and all that jazz.

Bill wouldn’t let Jessica drink from humans because it’s like porn! No drinking from humans and no porn! Jessica tells Sookie that there’s dirty movies on TV and Bill gets miffed because she responds to Jessica, calling it ‘Yuck.’ Is it weird that I feel like Jessica is less naive than Sookie?

Bill sends her to her room with nothing but True Blood. ‘You are gonna be so sorry when I get an eating disorder.’ You rock, Jess! Her room is also private! Keep out!

Now Bill extends his paternalism to Sookie asking her where she’s been. What? She can’t even cross the street without you holding her hand? Sookie dodges, telling Bill that she was just asking the bellboy about the ammenities. Hmm…interesting. Lies already.

Bill doesn’t want Sookie wandering around unsupervised. They don’t know enough about the Dallas vampires. It just comes off as controlling.

Sookie doesn’t think they’ll do anything with her because she’s with Bill. Oh how dumb are you? I know it’s supposed to be all about how much they love each other, but it’s just waaaaay too syrupy, but not only that, it makes Sookie look stupid and Bill look controlling. Ugh. She starts seducing Bill and it’s like…ugh…so don’t need to watch this.

Bill asks the little two year old to remember to hold his hand when they cross the street and don’t run off. How many times have they been over this exactly? Don’t do this, Sookie. Don’t do that!

Sookie’s like of course I won’t do anything stupid! Umm…yeah right! And that they should be in the moment and happy. Since the room is light tight, Bill doesn’t have to leave her alone in bed when the morning comes. Hit me up with some Esulin! I’m going into diabetic shock from all the corn syrup!

Bill wants to keep Sookie safe and get in her pants! Time for the Ode to Ick Sex! Thank God we didn’t have to watch it again. Ugh. I think they’re training me like one of Pavlov’s dogs. This is when you cringe and should turn off your TV. Whatever happened to the lies about Jessica and the Hamby Incident? Everything’s a-okay…Gag.

‘You’re talkin’ to the man.’ Hoyt gets a call when he’s in bed about to go to sleep.

Aww! It’s from Jessica!

He can’t stop thinking about her!

Unfortunately for Hoyt, his mom breaks in on his mojo! She says it’s not decent or ladylike for the girl to call him at night. Oh Maxine, if you only knew! He kicks her out and locks the door to go back to the phone.

Jess can’t stop thinking about Hoyt either. She’s bored as hell in Dallas. They’re thinking about watching TV together long distance or Hoyt can tell her about his comic book. They wanna do both! Oh they’re twice as sweet!

Hoyt starts reading her Sea Tomb or something like that. They are SOOO cute.

Jason is awakened at the crack of dawn by Gabe. Is anyone else surprised that he’s wearing boxers? He needs to rise and shine for God!

It’s time for Boot Camp, Cult Style! Prepare for cliches, Cult Style!

Things will be revealed in due time when they are worthy. It is SOOO a cult. At least the provide matching outfits.

Jason needs a bathroom, but he hasn’t earned it. And they need to do jumping jacks. Well, that’s going to suck lol. Jumping jacks on a full bladder.

Jason never gets to them though. He’s forced to do 30 pushups because he thinks he’s too good! Oh noes!

Of coruse, Luke starts giggling and he has to do pushups too and it becomes Stackhouse vs. Lukinator in one giant macho pissing match.

Miss Lyla Garrity gives Jason some encouragement.

Tara wakes up and listens to Egg’s chest. Is this to check if he’s still sleeping or to check if he’s not some demon? Because that might actually give Eggs some personality. That jingle about eggs having personality is SOOO wrong.

We learn that she does this so she can look at that creepy ass picture again! WE DO NOT NEEDS TO SEE IT AGAIN! PLEASE! The only gift that keeps on giving that rocks in Mikhail.

He so needs to get up in this joint and shake things up!

Tara tells Eggs that Gran was like a mom to her and she’d like Eggs because he’s hot. That’s about all he has going for him. Part I of their never ending conversation, “I’ll be there for you!” Part II is next, it’s called “Will you really be the one to be there for me?”

Tara is happy to live in Sookie’s house because it’s the one place she felt safe. Well, Maryann is in it too now…don’t place your bets on that. Oh and Eggs wants to make every one of Tara’s B-Days good. We kinda feel sad for Tara because her middle name is Mae like her mom…

Sookie leaves Bill’s bedside to have her Continental Breakfast and who should be there but Barry?

They make some small talk about the breakfast and it becomes very obvious that Sookie is from a tiny town.

Sookie wants to talk about their telepathy, but Barry just wants to be left alone.

Sookie wants them to stick together because it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Just like with Bill, she’s failing with getting her message across…that’s sad, you know? Bill is just dense…but Barry’s scared. He hates being a telepath because he can’t do anything normal people do. He can’t even think around normal people.

But since she met Bill, she’s starting to see it in a whole new way, because she can even make money off it. Not that there’s anything wrong with making money, but TV Sookie is like sort of dumbed down to Woo! Payday and Book Sookie wasn’t so money seeking. Mostly, it’s the writing. It was better in the books when Sookie was offered a monetary recompentence for her services, instead of her opening her mouth to request her money.

Barry thinks Sookie is crazy and as another human comes in, he gets a brain cramp! Sookie teaches him how to make it stop, but Barry resolves to quit.

A fangbanger seeking work provides just what Barry needs to slip away.

Sookie wants Barry to be her next project, to teach him how to control his powers, but Barry isn’t ready for it and doesn’t think Sookie can help him. I tel you! It’s not gonna be like Rogue with Professor X! You’ll actually learn control of your powers!

Grabbing a pair of bananas, Sookie heads back to bed. LOL TB!

Remember the rules of beauty? One of them is to always remove your makeup before bed. Otherwise it’ll make you look horrible in years to come, it ages your skin. It’s something apparently Bill has never learned. Bill gets upset at Sookie for getting up and going to get something to eat, because you know, she’s human and has to eat. Isn’t it smarter to go and eat breakfast in a well lit place with lots of people than it is to order room service where one guy comes in? Honestly.

Secondly, is this daytime? Like What. The. Fuck? Last season’s Crispy Bill sucked. Having the vamps up and about at day is just plain annoying. It’s the one change from the book that I truly hate.

And because Daddy treats Sookie like she’s two, Sookie acts like she’s about ten. She’s excited to meet another telepath. Bill acts like it’s such a horrible decision. Oh noes! He can’t believe he went against him after all he told her about the evil creatures lurking in the woods!

Bill doesn’t want this happening because it will be harder for him to protect her. Ie. he can’t bubblewrap everything, but what he really wants to do is lock her up so that no one can have her but him. MINE, MINE, MINE! Bill says Sookie can’t be sure about Barry.

Sookie finally tells him off by saying she’s good at this. If all she can do is shut up and take orders she might as well be waiting tables at Merlotte’s. She points out that Bill was the one who said she was more than a waitress.Yeah Bill, so stop being clingy and smothering her! I HATE CLINGYNESS. Bill is like effing saran wrap. Who wants to be in a relationship where your partner doesn’t trust your decisions or give you space or allow you to make mistakes and learn?

Bill shuts down because things aren’t going his way and Sookie has to prod things out of him. Bill feels like a waitress because he has no control and no decisions are his own. Umm…hello, it’s called LIFE! It’s not unique to you! Again, we all have bosses and people to answer to whose decisions override our own. And can we please have some Esulin? These two are just too much. I believe the term is ‘Moonlighting Effect’, here’s another two victims for ya!

‘Eric is strangely intense about all this.’ Well that’s because Eric is an 8 back of VIBRANT Crayola markers (with the chisel tip) and you’re diluted water. ‘It’s not like him. I don’t trust it.’ Bill really needs to stop painting Eric like the big bad, because it’s just getting plain annoying. Frankly because he’s first off, a superior, but also your sovereign, his insubordination is treasonous and slipping into sedition. If Bill doesn’t get the least bit bitchslapped for all this by the end of this season, I don’t think I can take much more of it.

Sookie says that a deal’s a deal and that they’ll do their task and go home. Bill says that she knows what Eric is like and it’s nothing to him to break a deal to a girl.

Sookie finally shows some depth in understanding that Eric needs her and won’t want to make her mad. Like DUH. You’ve been outsmarted by Sookie, Bill. What happened? Clearly Bill should know that. What keeps Sookie safe is her value to Eric as an asset. Instead of being all OH NOES about it, he should be using it to his advantage.

The ultimate gag moment? ‘I can’t lose you.’ ‘You never will.’ But wait! Superlative! Foreshadowing! I cannot wait!

Meanwhile at Merlotte’s, Arlene refuses to help Daphne set up because she’ll never learn and she’s thinking of Daphne’s future in a dead end job as a server. Good for you, Arlene. She just comes off bitchy instead of genuinely helpful. I haven’t really liked Arlene these past few episodes.

Terry comes in and is totally frazzled. He can barely acknowledge Arlene. To add to his confusion, Daphne requests of him to make the iced tea and Arlene doesn’t want her to. Power games much?

Arlene runs off after Terry and Daphne calls her a ‘Mean, old, red-headed, freckled witch.’ Sam learns that Daphne ran off because she figured he had enough for the night. Sam suddenly wants her because she’s a shifter. Sookie much? They make a date on when they’ll have sex while Arlene listens on, all ready to gossip til the cows come home.

Laffy returns, needing to talk to Sam! Terry is relieved to have the pressure…relieved. I guess sex didn’t do it.

Sam half heartedly lays it into Laffy for leaving them high and dry, mostly because they were all worried about him. He’s also taken aback that Laffy doesn’t give him a smart ass come back. It’s also rather ominous that the guy is wearing all black. Something is definitely UP.

All Laffy wants is his job back. Sam starts off by telling him that he ought to tell Laffy to Fuck Off, because he nearly put Terry back in the VA Hospital, but he’s family and it just wasn’t the same without Laffy.

Sam is now worried about Lafayette. ‘What happened to you?’ But he doesn’t reply. He just leaves.

Meanwhile at Boot Camp, Cult Style, Sarah and Gabe lead the recruits on a run in the luxury of a jeep. They are running from five hungry, snapping vampires! Hate to tell you this honey, but no amount of running will save you from five hungry, snapping vampires.

This poor sucker keels over. Jason tries to help him, but Luke mocks him.

Luke leaves him and bolts off with the rest of the group. Jason warns him to pace himself but Luke just mocks him.

Their little group then keeps going, leaving the sucker in the dust to be drained by the vampires.

Tara goes downstairs only to find that Maryann has slept over with Karl!? o.O I’m totally taking this the wrong way…but it’s still o.O in two ways. She’s still cooking. It’s very much like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.

Tara is shocked to learn that Maryann is a moocher! She was only staying in the big ol’ house because some client was out of the country. Yeah right. She’s just keeping Tara closer to the chest. Maryann assumes that she can stay at Sookie’s, but Tara is reluctant. She’s a guest in the home, after all and Maryann just invited herself to stay.

Maryann is all sadface because they were all so happy together after all! Tara doesn’t feel right about Maryann staying, so she leaves the house.

Tara goes into the living room to confront Eggs. She gets her ‘tude back for two seconds…Sigh. How I miss the ‘tude. ‘What are you nomads? Fucking bedoins?’ No honey worse, freeloaders and leeches. Tara begins realizing that she’s been withheld a lot of info about Maryann. She wants to know what Eggs’ thing is with Maryann.

Eggs gets DEFENSIVE and says that Maryann merely lifted him up and he’s not her dog. No Eggs, you’re her lapdog. When he gets Tara’s answer to why she’s so paranoid about Maryann, she’s trying to find out the truth about the people she cares about, Eggs hits below the belt and sends her more manipulation. Her history is so fucked up she doesn’t know what love/family is.

Now Tara is insecure and vulnerable, all ripe for the pickings!

Eggs says that Maryann, Karl and him will take care of Tara. It’s like they’re starting a cult!

The most predictable scene of the night? The chain link fence! It should have it’s own trademark.

Luke is up first! He tries but fails. He didn’t pace himself. Plot contrivance much?

The DI gives him some motivation. His family is on the other side of the fence being drained by vamps! Oh noes! But Lukinator is the Failuator and starts crying like a wittle girl!

But of course, Jason is a real leader! He helps the guy that brought shame to himself, his family and religion!

Of course Sarah is watching with stars in her eyes!

It is FINALLY night again. And who should be stalking the room like a caged tiger but our very own Eric! Over half the episode has gone by without Eric.

Stan degrades Sookie by calling her a human in a disrespectful light. Bill demands that he respect her. It’s just really annoying at this point. Bill’s insubordination is annoying as hell. He was just talking about how they had to be careful of the Texas vamps and here he is making demands. Smart. As for Sookie’s remark…in the books, she does think it, but on TV she has to say it…so.

There is malcontent in Dallas and little consensus. When Eric asks, Isabel is uncertain Godric was taken by the FOTS, while Stan is. To add to things, Stan has been going off on his own for days and was unaware of Sookie. Stan says the FOTS are the only ones with the manpower, whereas Isabel discounts them because they’re amatuers and they are lacking proof. She also has faith in Godric.

Stan wants to go in guns blazing and annihilate the FOTS rather than use Sookie. Isabel remarks: ‘Hmm…Vampire hating church annihilated. Wonder who did it? Fucking brilliant.’ I like her. Looks like Stan is the war hawk and Isabel is the peace dove. Interesting choice of clothes too.

Stan thinks the Great Revelation was the greatest mistake the vamps made and doesn’t give two shits about the International Agenda the vamps have. Isabel pins him on using Godric to make a power play.

Eric loses it in a hot accent! He’s angry! ‘You’re completely incompetent. What’s happened to Godric that he surrounds himself with clowns?’ That’s some major smackdown.

Eric was merely invited as courtesy and has no jurisdiction in Dallas. Stan says he don’t need Eric or his puppets, but Eric isn’t going anywhere!

Bill says they need a plan…and I’m sorry, but why would you let the mini man lead the conversation when it is clear that the people who are in the position to do so are Eric, Isabel and Stan? Seriously. Bill is nowhere near enough rank. Stan says he’s got a plan and it’s not a movie. Oh and it’s a war. Wow, Stan and the FOTS should totally get married.

‘Idiots.’

There’s malcontent in the FOTS too. Steve is withholding information from Sarah. Gabe always knows more than she does about their operations. And we get into marital strife. ‘I don’t have time for this.’ ‘You mean you don’t have time for me.’ OOOH! Steve hands files to Gabe and sends him off. Sarah says Steve doesn’t listen to her anyore.

Jason shows up and breaks up the argument from going further.

The pair pretend that all is well and Sarah remarks about how well Jason did in the day and Steve decides it’s time for Jason to join the Circle of Trust.

Sarah tries to invite herself along, but Steve says he’s got it and sends her back…ooooh! Sarah is NOT pleased.

Going down the secret tunnel, Steve reveals that he sometimes understands why people believe in divorce…oooh! He also says that he’s got Sarah even when he doesn’t want her…oooh! Some joke…

Steve reveals the treasure trove of Illegal Arms in the basement! Holy…holiness, Batman! They use it to figure out what kills vampires.  Time to play works on a vampire, doesn’t work on a vampire!

Wood tipped arrow? Yes.

Silver bullets? No. Wooden bullets? If they exist, maybe. Bullets and holy water? Yeah right. Don’t bet your life on it!

Flamethrower? Yes. Silver throwing star? If you’re a ninja. I doubt the cross travels through the air very well…

Decapitation? Yes. Guillotine? Yes. Axes? Yes. Swords? Yes. But Guillotine? Very dramatic. And with connotations of the French Revolution. Out with the old order in with the new. That’s what both the FOTS and Stan are trying to accomplish.

Jason is too dumb to know what a guillotine is. But every redneck wants a rocket launcher! Rocket launcher? If you blow the head off, get lots of wooden scrapnel to go through the heart…

Maryann pulls up into Merlotte’s and tells Karl to keep the motor running. She’s not going in! Oooh.

The spell brings out the worst in everyone. From customer to server. Server to Server. Server to Bartender and so on.

Everyone who works in the bar gets on Tara’s case with orders she did not fill or maybe don’t even exist! They make nasty comments at her. Arlene would have lost her job, but Tara slept with the boss. Terry says it’s Tara’s fault because she slept where she ate…Oooh! Like you’re doing Terry? Tara gets some spunk back, but everyone’s acting horribly. It’s Daphne vs. Arlene…again. Daphne says that Tara is on drugs. Laffy wants his Tequila. ‘Fuck all o’ y’all!’

And Maryann’s job is done!

As Jason takes a bath, Sarah enters! Ooh. This is partially brought on by Steve’s neglect! She’s making a play for Jason because Steve wants him too as a recruit. It’s Spite with a capital S!

She’s here to help Jason bathe! She talks about how Mary Magdelyn washed Jesus’ feet and dried him with her hair. So Jason is Jesus? Give what happens in this I’d like to see you attempt to dry Jason with her hair lol.

Wasn’t she like a hooker?’ LOL Oh Jason.

Sarah is hurt, because she identifies with Mary Magdelyn. She’s not a prostitute because it isn’t in the bible. Mary admired Jesus and loved him.

She wanted to show him how much she loved him. Po-tay-to. Po-tah-to. Love? Lust? It’s all the same!

Jason asks Sarah to stop, but they both know he doesn’t mean it. Jason’s super conflicted because he should too. Very Tim Riggins, except Lyla never made THIS play for him…if she made a play at all.

Sarah is just as fucked up. She uses God, in vain, I might add, to give Jason a reward. What’s the reward? A hand job. A biblical handjob. Adultery? Sin. Masturbation? Sin. Oops. Why you’re a cult and not a church. Oh well.

This will be Jason’s way back into joy…apparently. Poor Jason, he’s being used…Well, he did get a handjob out of it.

Back at the Vamps’, things have not improved. Stan wants to do a pre-emptive strike. ‘So the federal government will bomb us back to the middle ages!’ Smart, Stan. Stan says that things were better in the middle ages so Isabel tells him to ‘Go to Romania and live in a cave you Ronchero poseur!’

Eric destroys a priceless urn. He’s frustrated.

‘Godric has protected you! He has made you rich! And you stand here spitting and scratching like infants!’ He’s definitely PISSED. Also worth noting is how highly he views Godric.

Eric demands they explain their breach, since there’s obvious a traitor in their midst from the attack at the airport. However, both Stan and Isabel think it’s impossible, unless it’s each other. They don’t trust each other I guess.

After telling Stan and Isabel exactly how annoyed she is with their bickering, Sookie takes the initiative and says she’ll infiltrate the FOTS. Bill says that she absolutely cannot do that! Jesus, remove the kid gloves! She’s an adult FFS.

Let her speak.’ THANK YOU, ERIC!

Sookie says she’ll go to the FOTS during the day and pretend she wants to join, Bill doesn’t want her to because none of them can protect her during the day, but Sookie is steadfast. ‘Really Bill, it’s simple.’ Stop being such a dad. It’s annoying. Although it could make sense that Sookie is searching for a paternalistic figure because her own dad is gone…But i can hardly think this is what we’re supposed to see… Let me take this time to point out how awful Sookie’s wardrobe is. I know she gets paid minimum wage, but that tablecloth from the Stampede Breakfast is just unfortunate! She looks better suited to make flapjacks than to talk business. Like seriously. I get you want her to have a Western theme, but THAT ist he best you can come up with?

Stan wants no part of this and heads out. He would rather drain that use brain.

This is a plan that Isabel likes, Eric too. It’s logical and easy. ‘If it leads us to Godric, we’ll do it. The decision is made.’ Thank God for executive decisions!

Bill wants to have a few words…Ugh. What’s with the Spock brow? I guess they wanted something to go with the Romulan cut…

Meanwhile, Isabel makes Sookie sweat by asking about her and Bill’s vampire-human relationship…Oh Isabel, your timing is excellent!

Having to crane his neck up at Eric…Bill is upset that Eric is asking Sookie to do all this after she was just clawed by a creature they don’t know. He accuses him of playing with her life. More insubordination. If Bill wants Sookie out of action, he’s just totally going about it the wrong way.

‘It’s no game to me.’ Don’t you forget it, Bill and quit being a shitty serf and obey the lord of the fiefdom you live in. You would have been thrown out of an airlock or put in the brig already if this were Battlestar Galactica. Clearly, the wider affects of Godric being taken has not sunk into Bill’s thick head. He’s all about the ME, ME, ME.

Now Teacher’s Pet wants to know why Eric is so gung ho to find Godric. He’s just a colleague and a sheriff… Bill has gotten waaay too cocky in regards to his superiors. I move forward the motion that we hang up Teacher’s Pet by his underwear on the silver flagpole at Cult Camp! We’re going to teach Jack how to use the pulley to bring you up because his daddy never taught him!

Eric looks introspective…You know what that means!

FLASHBACK! Easily the BEST scene of the night! (Click ‘Merchandise’ on the right and you can buy Eric’s ring from the designer herself, Janet Cadsawan!)

Looks like Eric is mortally wounded. He asks his men to go on without him. Looks like the wig that was left out in the rain and sat on serves an artistic purpose now. It’s supposed to look that way!

At this point it’s like OMG! It’s Eragorn! Could he get any cooler?

Not Aragorn! Eric’s Eragorn! Swedish can be Elvish or something.

Eric’s men refuse to leave him. He’s saved their lives countless times.

It definitely says a lot about Eric that they are willing to be so loyal to him.

They resolve to give him a proper Viking funeral, where he’ll meet the Gods and have a party with meat, gold and beer.

And of course women. Eric says that whereever he is, there will always be women. LOL. Got that right. This is something even dying Eric can smile about!

The two guys have moved Eric to a different area where they have built a pyre for a proper Viking funeral. Eric is still alive. That is BALLS.

Man’s not afraid that he’s dying either. Merely pissed off. Eric is really made of something else. He is truly brave in the face of death and he isn’t going to cry about it or whine about how unfair it is.

But before they can ‘Pour that gasoline, yeah, burn that fucker clean. Tell me who’d she coo I want her – Like a suicide flex – hit the run and hide. Tell me who’d she coo shine the body’ Eric’s men are all slashed in the throat! What could have done it?

Why a little vampire boy with tattoos! Isn’t he cute?

Eric then proceeds to have the coolest scene with him. It’s creepy, noble and awesome! Great performances by both actors!

I guess that’s where Eric gets his Blood Beard from…you know, from daddy. Eric is shocked that Death has come in the form of a little boy.

Even on his deathbed, he is concerned about his men. He calls Godric swine for killing them.What a guy!

Godric just smiles, ‘I saw you on the battlefield last night. I never saw anyone fight like you.I want you, you big warrior!

Eric would fight him right now if he could!

Godric likes that! He thinks it’s beautiful!

Eric wonders what the hold up is. Just him already! Take me down to the Paradise City where the girls are fat and they got big titties grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh won’t you please take me home. But Godric has other plans, he makes Eric a deal. He offers him immortality on the side of Death, walking through the dark. He will teach Eric all he knows.

You KNOW lover is implied at the end of that or was it just me?

Eric wants to know what’s in it for him.LOL. Ever scheming Eric, even on his deathbed! Gotta love it!

This is why Eric rocks. What he loves most is life. In death, he found life and in doing so, he loves who he is. He sees his turning as a gift. The exact opposite of Bill.

As Eric utters his last human words, ‘Life, ‘Godric then drains him dry! Rather poetic. He signs his contract with his words. A Vampire is born!

This turn needs a song! It’s even by a Finnish (They count as Scandinavian) band called Tarot and Marco looks pretty Vikingish himself. Betcha can’t guess who he is lol. 😉

“Pyre of the Gods” reflects that Eric has really said Fuck You to the natural order of things by taking death as a Vampire. And hey, it has pyre in it and Eric was in a pyre, so I couldn’t resist.

Eric’s backstory is SOOO much cooler than Bill’s. It showed why he was able to rise to the occasion and why Bill never has. There are startling simularities. Both men are soldiers returning from battle. Where Eric fights with zest and passion, it is nothing but a job for Bill. While both men ultimately chose their vampiric fate, Bill was coerced, but Eric got the 411 for the most part. Mostly, the two men can be summed up by a pair of Michaelangelo’s sculptures that can be found at the Louvre: The Rebellious Slave and The Dying Slave.

The Rebellious Slave is bound, but he not going down without a fight. It is seen in his unpolished finish. His body is in motion, open rebellion. He pushes past. He does not accept that death is the end. He does not submit. He represents Eric’s power and will to live in death. He may be bound by death, but it does not own him. He makes it what it is. He has power over it. Eric is the one to shape his life, he is the one who controls who he is and what he does. He is the one with joie de vivre.

The Dying Slave has essentially given up to whatever horrible fate awaits him. He’s even got a freaking monkey on his back! Literally. See that figure beside him? It’s a big ol’ ape. That’s all of Bill’s issues that he carries around like Jack. The Dying Slave is bound too but has submited himself. The Dying Slave views death as an albatross. He does not rise above it. He is defined by it and the power it holds over him. He doesn’t rise to the occasion or make what he will with it.

Furthermore, both Eric and Bill are men of their time. Eric’s life was harsh. It was nasty, brutish and short. Man was a slave to nature’s whims. Death, pestilence, disease, war, hunger, famine reigned. It was anything but fair. In this landscape, Eric had to make with it what he will. It shaped his character and his moxie. The same can be said of Bill, but he is a Romantic. He comes from the time after the Renaissance, the Enlightenment and the Scientific  Revolution where man believed he could conquer nature, that the quality of one can shape his life. He believes in Liberal ideas. He doesn’t much know the JFK quote: “…life isn’t fair.” Nor is he very realistic. The vampiric turn has shunned the optimism he had and he’s never gotten over it.

Anyway, our excursion into Eric’s past ends all too quickly. I would SO love to see a show with those two and their adventures.

Surprised at himself, Eric reveals to Bill that Godric is his maker! Don’t you wanna hug him? I wonder if he’s told Pammy about her Grandpa?

Bill has the decency to look stunned. He deserves a slap after that, or a Sookie free diet. See how he likes it! I wonder if Bill would show this kind of allegience to his own maker? I would hazard a guess and say no. Godric has raised Eric well and he has passed on everything that makes him a successful vamp and his zest for life to his child, Pam.

It’s closing time at the bar.

Daphne and Sam make shifter talk before they get it on. It’s pretty boring. Whatever. I don’t care that they hook up. We learn that shifters run hotter than humans, and that they feel sparkly (So THAT’S why shifters aren’t as cool as vampires on this show! I get it!) and tingle in their tingly places when they shift. Oooh! *rolls eyes* They aren’t that sexy. I can’t believe that Sam has never met another shifter or two-natured.

They compliment each other’s naughty bits and it’s like what are you? Two and playing ‘Show Me Yours, I’ll Show You Mine?’ Baaaad dialogue.

And Sam has christened his own pool table, so now he can’t complain about other people who do it there either! Let’s think positively!

In the lobby, Sookie tells Bill a lie, that she has to ask the desk clerk a question about humans. I wonder why she has to lie? Could it be because she knows Bill would get in her face about her actions and treat her like she’s a child and avoiding his degrading treatment of her?At least Bill is nice enough to wait at the elevator. He’s letting Sookie go pee pee on her own!

She asks the clerk about Barry. Apparently he quit today. To quote Terry, “Coward.”

At the Stackhouse residence, Grannyann has stayed up after a rough night for Tara. Creepy and manipulative much? She’s even not wearing makeup. It’s kinda scary!

Maryann preys on Tara’s longings. She has filled the fridge with Tara’s favourite things and will be moving out in the mornng even though they haven’t found a house yet.

Tara caves. Maryann has won and will be staying. She’s only good to Tara because she needs it and then she blooms like a flower all ripe for Maryann’s picking and devouring.

And suddenly, everything is a-okay for Eggs and Tara too…Ugh. Remember that One Conversation, 5 Episodes? I wuv you, Eggs! OMG Eggs, who are you? Are you really a good person? And then it’s back to I wuv you Eggs. Sigh…

And we finish with more booooooring pillow talk with the Schmoop Twins. Bill condemns the vamps as despicable, vicious and vile creatures. Like Skye said, he’s like one of those Conservatives that are all against gays but really gay! He’s a racist to his own ethnic group. It’s rather despicable. His actions in turn seep into Jessica who hates herself because of him.

Sookie holds up the Mirror of Ego-sed. Again, she reflects the vision of himself that Bill wants to see. ‘You’re different. You’re not like that.’ That one conversation…again…BTW, TB…WE GET IT! Oh Sookie, he’s every bit the vampire he says he isn’t. Just as barbaric, only worse because he’s a hypocrit. Uncle Bartlet and the Rattrays anyone? Sookie says that Bill can love and there wasn’t one vamp at the compound that could say the same. Superlative! They’re bad. Foreshadowing alert!

Bill is all about ME, ME, ME again. He wants to sneak back to Bon Temps with Sookie. While it’s supposed to be romantic, it just makes him look like a douche. A selfish douche who cares for nothing greater than his own comfort when there are bigger things at play, like the disappearance of a sheriff who he SHOULD care about. It affects him, indirectly, yes, but the wider range of issues that expand from it will touch him and he’s burying his head in the sand. It’s going to bite him in the ass one day, like an isolationist. He wants the vamps to devour each other and leave them alone. Apparently Bill is an autarkic island. Bill obvious sucks at history. Letting enemies devour each other and being isolationist is exactly what China did and it is exactly what lead to their decline in the Ming Dynasty and later all the crap with the failed Qing Dynasty, western intervention in economics and politics, the Japanese invasion, the KMT vs. the CCP, warlordism, famine, death, the relocation of something like 20 million people, the largest in human history… A vampire has been taken and he could be taken sooner or later or hurt too and Sookie caught in the crossfire and yet he chooses himself over the needs of another being because he’s vampire and he priviledges humans over his own kind because they are somehow more human. Yet he admits freely that they are just as barbaric as vampires. Incosistent and a hypocrit.

You know we can’t do that. Stan’s as nutty as a fruitcake.’ Go Sookie! Finally…something I can root for in her and finally, prepare for a fangirl squee, ‘I gave my word to Eric.’ AWESOME. Her word actually means something and it’s interesting that she’s choosing Eric over Bill. At least her samaritan sense is good.

And then Bill is once again worried for Sookie’s safety and Sookie reassures him. *rolls eyes* I’ll tell you when she gets a paper cut so you can ban paper, Bill! He’s so smoothering and clingy.

Watch out! It’s the Ode to Ick Sex. Did you cringe like I did? *Gag* We all puke a little in our mouths when Bill says he’ll be happy just to hold Sookie all night. He is so delicate, but Sookie wants in his pants…Esulin! NOW!

But as Bill burries his head in the sand, trouble comes his way. THANK YOU JESUS!

Who could she possibly be?

She’s fly, she’s sexy! She’s a homewrecker! Not to mention a real Schmoop Buster!

LOOOOOREEEENAAAAAAAAA! Hells yeah! Praise his light!

Hope you have enjoyed that review! Once again the caps are from marishna on LJ with my own addtions and bluebear made the gif. Other images are from google. The closeup of the Rebellious Slave is mine. I LOVED it when I saw it. It really touched me. Quite possibly my favourite in the Louvre, but that’s like choosing your fave child.

The Vibrant pack of markers was the one with the cobalt blue, emerald green, fuchsia, golden yellow, teal, the Mardi Gras purple, the medium brown and the dark blue purple. It was my favourite pack. It was when the markers had the black tube and the chisel tips. The box was dark green. The ‘Pour that gasoline, year, burn that fucker clean…’ is my favourite lyric from the song “I Am Legend” by White Zombie. ‘Take me down to the Paradise City where the girls are fat and they got big titties’ was the original lyrics to Paradise City that Slash suggested, but he was vetoed 4 to 1, so it became ‘Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.’

As usual, I love hearing your feedback!

~simba_317


17 Responses to “TBZ: One Conversation, Five Episodes”

  1. […] Click on the picture! […]

  2. Wow….your words, my thoughts, exactly.

    I can’t even begin to say how many people I have said to that I throw up a little in my mouth with each Bill & Sookie scene.

    I did watch it through the first time, but since I FF through just about everything that didn’t have Eric, Jessica or Lafayette. The rest is a waste of time. Oh yeah…my fav scene was the flashback and Godrick looks like Pete Wentz to me…lolol

    I absolutely LOVE your recaps….keep them coming! You take that hammer and hit that nail on the head each time.

  3. great review and oooo so educational!

    my thoughts:

    eric’s flashback definitely made the episode, hands down and his interactions with godric reminded me of the Swedish vampire film Let The Right One In (it’s gorgeous and i recommend it HIGHLY).

    *

    i must (GASP!) defend bill a bit here though and say that not only was he born in different times than eric, but he was also a family man when he was a soldier as opposed to eric who (from the little i could glean) was sort of a viking playboy type. i think having (and losing) a wife and kids through the process of becoming a vampire (and in bill’s case, not really having a choice in the matter) can really affect one’s attitude. that said, it’s been 150 years, don’t they have any vampire psychoanalysts?

    *
    i am wondering whether bill is the only one with a skewed and hostile view of the vamp – maker relationship. he seemed deferent to eric after he found out godric was his maker, which seems strange considering how much he seems to hate both jessica and lorena.
    *
    can someone tells me what Maryanne actually does for a living? is she just a Well-Meaning White Person(TM) for hire or is there something else? her comment about being so good to Tara, made me think that someone should cue the music and call in Sally Struthers. what happened to Tara from the pilot? my disbelief cannot be suspended any further.

  4. oh and…

    more barry!

    more pam!

    more and more and more eric!

  5. I’m glad you gave Godric the attention he deserves. Even though he’s been onscreen for about two minutes, he’s my new favorite thing in the whole wide world.

  6. As usual, I agree with everything you say. My favorite scene of the whole season is the flashback. I have found that I’ve become extremely apathetic about the whole show. In the books I root so hard for Eric and Sookie but in the show i just don’t care. Show-Sookie isn’t nearly cool enough for the viking. She and Bill should run away together somewhere, OFFSCREEN.

  7. Great recap Simba, as usual. I heart Godric! I love Lorena’s new title of Schmoop Buster. We really need her. Desperately.

  8. The best scene had to be the flashback with Eric and Godric. You are on- point with the Bill and Sookie schmoopy-ness that makes everyone barf a little. I’d have to say the most ridiculous over acting scene i’ve come across was right before the credits with Sam and Daphne. COME ON man! He should not have been that shocked dammit! I hate what changes Alan Ball has done to the show, that should’ve stuck to a T with the books. He should’ve smelled that Daphne was a shifter. Vampires should not be awake during the day time, light tight space or not. If they are awake, it has to be for some very damn good reason and they are slow and wobbly on their feet (Eric a la book 7) not sitting up in bed and having a conversation about how possessive a vampire Bill is. Seriously man just open the window and meet the sun already. Show Bill is so much worse than Book Bill. Terrible!

  9. Nice Marco Hietala tie-in! I always pictured Marco as Eric, so that totally made my day.

  10. See this is why I don’t have to do recaps, Simba says everything I want to say. So I get to be lazy!!! YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!

  11. I just want to say you are one really clever writer. I’m only sorry I just discovered your recaps. I laugh till I cry! Thank you for doing it!

  12. LOL!Stampede Breakfast dress! It was one of the ugliest dresses ever on tv!
    I agree episode was just ok..the only good parts involved Eric. I liked that Sookie was going to keep her promise to Eric..haha Bill!

  13. Thoroughly enjoyed your creativity and originality! You shed a new light on the Eric flashback with all the background. Being a TB fan from the very beginning, it’s difficult how the show deviates from the books. I’ve had to cease reading for a while, as I was getting confused between show and book. Loved how you compared the issues when Bill and Eric were made and why they are so different. I’ll be visiting this site often.

  14. Okay, I’m new here and kinda late on the bandwagon, but I’ve just read through all your recent True Blood recaps and damn, I think I like you. 😀 I mean, Jack-Bill/Eric-Sawyer allegories, Gambit/Rogue and TAROT?! Nice taste, girl. 😉

  15. Hooray for Mikhail, who at first did seem like a bit of a vampire as he just wouldn’t die! Ledge.

    Really now, what do the writers hope to achieve by giving Eric nothing to do until half way through the show? It just makes people like me angsty. Much as I love your recaps, I have to skim past most of the Bill/ Sookie, Tara/Eggs & Maryann stuff because seeing it once is enough.

    Ha. Sarah really is Lyla Garrity… though less annoying, because Lyla’s voice was just… *pulls hair out*. What did Riggins see in her? Really? He is WAY to awse for her. I digress…

    More digression- does anyone else think that Anna Paquin murdered movie Rogue? C’mon guys you know I’m right, she used to be kickass. *sigh* What would Riggins *ahem* Gambit see in her now. [So many overlapping shows& actors confuddled].

    True Blood. Focus. O.o With regard to the Paradise City lyrics- they should have listened to Slash.

    Eric’s Viking past is so interesting, I just want more, and I love the ‘father, brother, son’ thing with Godric. Again, thanks for pointing out that Eric is the one with the joie de vivre, by comparison Bill is a sulky child who should be shot, or staked. People seem to forget that Eric loves life and is a Viking Warrior to the core, so yeah, he’s violent. Duh! This ep= Epic win for Eric!! XD

    • See, Movie!Rogue was originally supposed to be Kitty Pryde/Shadowcat. Only the powers didn’t make sense, so they made her Rogue. As for the movie interpretation…she’s what Rogue would have been if she were a 17 year old teenage girl who just got her powers. The interpretation of Rogue was from David Hayter and Bryan Singer…not so much Anna Paquin. I think once she grew up a bit and got through her teenage years, she would have been the saucy, sassy Southern Belle we love so much.

      ~simba_317

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