Meow Mix, Desperation and Understanding Why TV is Horrible

Now I couldn’t name it after than horrible song by that horrible singer now could I? lol. I give you the recap to Episode 2 of True Blood!

Unlike the season premiere which was largely a set up episode where nothing really happened, Episode 2 was action packed and awesome. That’s not to say the premiere wasn’t good…it was just sorta boring. Besides, Episode 2 had more Eric and Lafayette as well as Pam and Ginger, who really just bring the episode. Of course, we can’t forget Jessica either. They’re seriously some of the best things about True Blood and reasons to watch every week.

The episode started off with Eric tossing a dog a bone.

Of course Laffy is too high brow to gnaw on that shit! Like c’mon. Clearly the cholesterol content in that thing is off the charts!

It’s the only way to explain why Eric regurgitated Royce’s blood. Like eww…grossest thing on True Blood, I think and there’s a disemboweled body not two feet away lol.

I guess it’s kinda like why I drink skim milk…I hate tasting the fat in 1%, 2% or even homogenized milk. It feels really gross going down your throat. I can actually tell what kind of milk I’m drinking by the texture and viscosity…I guess that was homogenized…

So then Pirate Blood Beard asks Laffy if he’s got any silver on him.

Laffy’s like, I’m not that stupid! I want to keep my limbs and life, kaythnxbai!

Sure you are. Is there blood in my hair? We’re like wait, what!?

Laffy’s with us there too.

E repeats himself…I get the feeling he doesn’t like that.

Laffy can’t tell in the light…it’s like super dark. So Eric uses his vampire speed to go up to Laffy. Laffy is really kicking himself right now. He SOOO did not want to be up close and personal to THAT.

So checking out the situation, Laffy determines that yes, there’s a little bit of blood in Eric’s hair. Just a little you know. From pulling apart Royce. He only bled like a bitch everywhere…

Uh Oh for Eric. Pam’s gonna kill him. Laffy really wished he didn’t open his mouth again when he asks who Pam is.

Would you like to meet her? Laffy is thinking OSM!

I don’t wanna meet Pam!

Too late for that!

He unlocked Laffy’s collar and grabs him by the scruff of his neck and it’s not like a cat with her kittens, it’s like taking a lamb off to slaughter. Does anyone else feel like LOLing just a little bit because the locks are from Master?


Don’t try anthing rash, you’ll end up being the sum of your parts.

And I can take you in flip flops…and I’m still hungry…for cocoa puffs.

Yeah…I tend to write more when he’s in a scene…I also find his credit in the title amusing…

Time for True Blood!

This is how you ruin a good opening. Put the Schmoop Kings in a scene together. Knowing what happened last episode, we braced ourselves. We have a paramedic on standby with adrenalin for the inevitable OD from corn syrup. We know we can’t rely on Jessica all the time, bless her red-headed step-child heart. We can’t even subject her to this!

Insert some ickiness about make up sex that made us all roll our eyes and get Peptol Bismol. It was a combo of heartburn and nausea…

And yet you like fighting with me.

Okay…let’s pause for a section “And yet you like fighting with me”? You know what I didn’t like about that? The fact that it implied that Sookie is causing trouble merely to cause trouble, that it’s her problem, that she’s the one disturbing the peace. Like What. The. Fuck? It’s so epically demonstrates Bill’s need to control and his emotionally abusive tendancies, using Sookie’s guilt to get him what he wants. He’s fermenting guilt in order to control her and make her think it’s her fault because she’s the one with the problem, not him.

Then Bill just brushes her off  like a dad to a little kid when she tries to say something back, clearly realizing that his guilt trip has worked. Even worse is that Sookie fell for it. I want the spitfire Sookie from the books who would put Bill or anyone else who did that to her. Sure, it demonstrates Sookie’s naivete and inexperience, but what does it say for a woman? Seriously.

We don’t wanna be one of *those* couples.

Do you hear the guilt working on Sookie again? You know what happened to one couple who didn’t want to be one of *those* couples?

They became exactly one of *those* couples, tore each other apart, lied to each other, fought like crazy and sought personal gain over love or the well being of the other.

Ultimately, they were the ones that killed each other.

Sookie freaks out, since Jessica may have heard her and Bill doing the nasty. Bill reassures her that if she heard, she would make her discontent known and we’re like…You should’ve made your discontent known, Jessica!

Then, Bill rolls his eyes and totally brushes Sookie aside when she tries to give her a little advice on Jessica, to go a little easier on her. I mean, clearly his way isn’t working very well. Jessica feels resentment towards him.

He informs her that Jessica is a vampire. No shit, sherlock.

Sookie says that, Bill must have some part of his former human self left, and that she wouldn’t love him otherwise, setting up her conditional love. Now, dischord I can watch!

Unfortunately, this treads us down the path of Bill’s emo-ness involving being a vampire. It’s every bit as annoying as Jack’s Daddy Issues on Lost. FFS, you’re a vampire! Deal with it! Stop dwelling on your situation and how much it sucks and just move on! Make the best of your situation! You’ve had more than 100 years with this! Of course, like Jack’s Daddy Issues I’m sure we’ll be hearing about this for the rest of True Blood. You’ll roll your eyes every time.

Bill has had to work hard to keep his humanity. We find out that Jessica doesn’t have humanity, that she has impulse control issues…well, I have to say, I think Jessica has humanity just fine from the episode, but I’ll get to that later.

Oh Sookie, Bill’s version of being a vampire is no different from being a teenager. Emo. All. The Frakking. Time.

So now Bill mocks Sookie for making a joke.

Sookie wisely points out that Bill’s ways aren’t working so hot and he should therefore listen. On a side note, this is frakking TV, get rid of her frakking S1 bruise!

Whatever. Like you know shit.

Sookie points out that it’s ironic that they promised not to fight and yet, here they are, fighting.

Bill says it’s not. Sookie reasserts that it is.

Well then, prepare to be made up to.

Gag! Schmoop line. Things are CLEARLY not okay and none of his petty words will fix that, but I guess he got that message loud and clear and has resorted to using guilt and sex to distract Sookie from it and maintain control. It shows a significant lack of respect towards Sookie as far as I’m concerned.

It’s disappointing that Sookie falls for this crap and lets herself be wooed by this.

Needless to say, this discussion utterly disgusted me and not just because it was saccharine, but for the implications behind the words and actions of the characters. However, the pointless schmoop did have a point, to emphasize the dysfunction in the relationship at the end of the episode…so…

And after making us sit through that crap, they reward us with the return of Pam! YES!

Oh no! Eric’s hair is a disaster, she’ll have to cut it shorter than she intended.

Yeah well, I said I was sorry Pam. He took silver to me. You were there, you saw it, defend me! LOL Eric.

Laffy’s like ‘How the hell did I get into this mess!?’ I’ll sing like a canary! I like being alive!

Eric has seen Lafayette’s website…and it’s quite low rent. LOL E!

LOL! It’s a vampire with Homer Simpson’s 5 ‘o clock shadow! I guess it’s a 5 ‘o clock blood shadow lol. Wow, your hair is even worse than in Episode 8 and 9 of last year…hee…I wonder if he feels pretty and witty and gay?

Laffy’s clients miss him and want to know when he’ll be returning LOL E!

I’m too fabulous to die!

Oooh…I guess he’s just not that into you.

Laffy is prepared to snitch for his life! It’s about the V right? And is that Tabasco? I guess Eric uses it to make the Slim Fast taste better…I guess he really was on a diet and had to regurgitate Royce for beauty reasons…

And all this time, I thought prostitutes were good at keeping secrets. Oh Pam! I love you!

Oh don’t get it twisted, Honey Cone, I’m a survivor first, a capitalist second and a whole bunch o’ shit after that, but a hooker dead last!

Pam’s like, ‘Yeah, sure…I can do Russian prostitute in Swedish.’

So if I got a Jew at an al-Qaeda Pep Rally shot of getting my black ass up out this m’fucker, I’m takin’ it! Now whatcha wanna know?

Eric wants to know what happened to Eddie while Pam figures out that his hair is REAAAAAALLLY matted by blood. Isn’t it great he can be totally commanding with hair foil, a smock and an unwashed face?

He tells Eric and Pam that he thinks Eddie was taken by someone…

*sighs* Yes…

Laffy has troubles singing…

Eric’s like, ‘Fine, back to rotting with the corpses for you.’


I will sing like a good little canary!

Eric was pretty done with that shit by that time…

Jason Stackhouse!

And then we were like, I wonder if Pam sounds like a Russian prostitute?

Verrrry interesting…Eric seems very interested in Sookie if he’s willing not to seek justice for Eddie in order to curry Sookie’s favour to his side…hmm… Secondly, Laffy certainly knows trouble is coming the Sookster’s way…they only said her name like three times…lol. Seriously…maybe telepath is hard to say in Swedish?

Poor Pam. No fun for her.

Uh oh! The info is of no use to Eric!

E understands there is dealing across state lines and wants to know if there are any from the Dallas area.

…while Pam does his hair…

Yes, one. Never gave me his name though. I have an email address, LOL TB!

Silly mortals.

Pam’s like, ‘I love pussy too!’

Well, I guess seducing her’s out…

A friend of Eric’s has gone missing from Dallas named Godric.

His blood is very valuable ‘…as he is twice my age and ten times the vampire I will ever be.’

Oh Eric, you don’t do humble well.

I was not being humble, this happens to be true.

Your associate…this pussy luvrrrrrrr…has he or she mentioned any new product coming on the market?


Back to the dungeon for you!

Fuck that! I ain’t goin’ back! I gave you everything!

You gave me *nothing!* Wow, great acting from AS and it’s great to see some emotion from Eric! And isn’t it great that it’s pulled off with that ridiculous hair foil?

But boy, Laffy ain’t going quietly…

Welcome to the Magic School Bus where all your problems melt away!

We sing songs to make said troubles melt away!

We have Stupid meeting Stupid…No relationships to McDonald’s restaurants or farms…

In a strange, strange meeting of fates, Seracen meets The Smash! You know, the guy who has to prove himself to be QB1/religiously fanatical/cultish enough and the All Star jock who got screwed due to a sports injury. Only, our jock didn’t have Coach Taylor, otherwise he’d have gotten an open tryout with Texas A&M and actually gotten in, instead of being here now…y’know…a fanatic.

Cue homoeroticism! Gayar! Gaydar!

All of Luke’s religious studies, abstinence etc, has lead him to this point, while Jason jumped on the bandwagon two days ago…except he’s met the ‘saviour’. Thus begins our legitimacy and insecurity issues!

They’re gonna bunk together! BFFs 4Ever! (Don’t swear plz) Now keep singing the happy song! Do you think the FOTS are going to back the indigenous claims of Native Americans anytime soon with their ‘we were here first doctrine?’

Cue schmoopy interactions of Eggs and Tara with no Schmoop Buster in sight! Argh!

Nice body, Eggs…you just don’t do anything for me…sorry!

Tara realizes she doesn’t know much about Eggs and wants to get to know him more before things get further…because she’s been royally screwed with guys.

Eggs is reluctant to tell her…but we find out he was a drug dealer and user and was imprisoned for armed robbery and assault…He got out on good behavior and was living in an overpass with no money, Maryann took him in. Oh and he’s still unemployed.

That’s not too bad, Eggs, at least you were incarcerated. Need I remind you of Kate Austen, she did all that and got off scot free!

And now we go to Sookie who’s involved in a whole OTHER crime. The crime of fashion. Dear True Blood, please stop dressing Sookie from the junior section. It makes her look like a skank. Yes, it’s hot in the South, but FFS, lets move her out of American Eagle! Let’s move to the miss’ section. She’s like falling out of her clothes. She’s 25, not 17 and vampire bait, not jailbait. And Shirley Temple…seriously? I guess it really is her day off with that hair…

It seems a set of parents have a missing daughter. They’re on TV asking for her back.

Who should she be but Jessica!? Oooh!

Sookie feels some guilt I guess?

This is a great segway for her to miss her Gran! It’s all about death…

What a horrible picture this is…The Horrors of Photoshop…

And now Religious Cult Barbie welcomes you to the cult where you can become a cult leader yourself! Remember in Friday Night Lights how they said that you’re closer to God the bigger your hair is…I think Sarah may need a tin foil hat too…

Their very own pop tart hands out a Ring of Chastity! …Err…Honesty…and it’s made of silver so you can melt the flesh of vampires! Oooh!

And they’re delivering this ring in the Circle of Honesty! Get it? You’re in the Circle of Honesty/Trust! Bill’s cycle of violence takes a whole new meaning!

Now everyone’s gonna undergo summer camp activities to foster kinship into the Family!

Daphne reaaaally sucks at being a waitress. We don’t care.

Maryann comes in with Tara for lunch because the food is good! …Yeah, I don’t believe her either.

She does bring the LOLs when she calls Sam’s empty bar ‘vibrant’.

Rodeo in Monroe…KThnxBai!

Dear Sammy prevents Daphne the Ditz from waiting on Maryann for other purposes…

Stop fucking with me. And Leave!

*Giggle Snort* Prepare for extortion! I’ve forgiven a $100 000 debt. I get service, bitch!

Would you like to supersize that?

Jeez Maryann, why don’t you go feed a small improvised nation? She’s ordering enough for one and will be eating a cow, a horse, a zebra and maybe your water buffalo too…She’s topping it off with an ostrich and a side of bison.

Oooh! Time for a game of Capture the Flag loaded with implication!

Jason pulls one from Luke! Luke is obviously missing Tim Riggins on his team.

He’s scored the magic touchdown just like the Saracen would, leaving Luke and the nonbelievers in the dust!

The religious wingnuts like this!

Luke is jealous and plays dirty! He clobbers Jason.

Luke mocks Jason.

It lights a fire under his ass!

The shirt comes off!

He tackles Luke like Tim Riggins!

It impresses the Wifey like it does Lyla Garrity…Oooh.

Luke is really PO’d.

The Saracen pulls off the unlikely victory!

And this is supposed to be a homoerotic arc? It seriously lags in the middle. This is homoerotic sports…

Sookie goes into Merlotte’s on her day off to visit Tara! It’s kinda pathetic… How’s everything with Bill?

Everything’s FINE with me and Bill thanks.

Oh, you mean Fucked Up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional?

Yeah…Take a break and we’ll talk.

Meanwhile…Daphne is a really shitty waitress.

Back to Laffy and his dungeon…

OOH! SALVATION!…in a magnetic butt.

Those booty pops he did as a dancer come in handy as he uses his legs, still attached to his body to get the detached leg.

He pulls the metal outta that leg!

He uses the metal to break the chains by knotting the chain. He wasn’t kidding when he said he was a survivor first, Honey Cones!

The Bitch is free!

Soo…you’re basically a stepmother to a vampire?

Pretty much… And we’re pretty surprised because it’s like…Oh hey…they’re actually friends! I hope it doesn’t become forced like Kate and Juliet…

They talk about their lives…

Tara’s realizing the Maryann situation is sketchy…She asks Sookie about it.

She’s got a conflict of interest. Tara, would you like to move in with a friend who was supposed to help your situation over two weeks ago? Oh, nevermind with that friends thing I wrote above there…

Oh c’mon, we get along great!

I just tolerate you…

They are interrupted by Daphne the Shitty Waitress.

Time for the Sookster to make an escape!

Uh oh! She’s on Maryann’s radar!

She’s very happy to meet her…

Don’t think she buys your crap, Maryann…

Maryann’s psyche thinks in some weird creepy language!

Sookie displays some cleverness wanting to know where Maryann’s accent is from…

Cape Cod! …Yeah right!

Time for Sookie to get the hell out of dodge! Oh and Tara, you think about moving in with the friend who abandoned you for two weeks.

So she’s thinking about moving is she? I don’t think so…

The Lafayette slowly inches his way out the Employee Entrance.

He dashes to the door, but alas finds it locked.

Things take a turn for the worse, a Skank Ass Bitch has emerged from the shadows!

The Lafayette curses, knowing he has been caught.

The Skank Ass Bitch demands to know who he is.

Realizing it is daytime, the Lafayette is relieved. A worse predator, the Vampire will not be after him, for they are nocturnal creatures.

The Skank Ass Bitch is only partially human…and will not be letting him go!

Whoa! Smell that? Laffy…are you wearing Desperation No. 5? He’s hitting on Ginger!

Oh but they told Ginger to pay special attention to the faggot drag queen in the basement. OH NO THEY DID’INT!

Skank Ass Bitch is goin’ down! They gonna let him out!

Ginger can’t do it or she’ll die!

Laffy’s like, you don’t have the guts with your shaking arms and even shakier thighs!


Or not.

Holy fucker!

Saying sorry isn’t going to help Ginger…


I have a feeling Ginger doesn’t like blood…

She also hates guns…

Hey! I’m the one who got shot, could you go get me some towels!? Before I bleed the fuck out!

OH NO! The towels are dirty!

Just give me the fucking towels! Fucking crazy white peoples…

Now for the worst part of the episode, the pop tart sings a song! Apparently the cultists have no problem with sex, skankiness, blatent capitalism that you bet harms others or defaming Jesus…just vampires. And God that is waaaaay too much pink!

The real problem is this though: Apparently in a song that features only ACOUSTIC guitar and drums, you need a band that includes an electric guitarist, a bassist and a keyboardist as well. There hasn’t been something this useless since Dizzy Reed and his bongos.

It’s time for an RPG! Cult style! Religious Cult Barbie will be the vampire sympathizer!

Jason Stackhouse, the prodigal son, will be the cult member!

VERY subtle there Sarah! Turn a gesture to ‘come onto the stage’ to flash the wedding band…Interesting…

Luke no like…

Now back to Casa de Bill…where fun has gone the way of the dinosaurs!

Jessica just saw her parents on TV! And whoa…that outfit is worse than Sookie’s…that’s actually quite a feat…

I finally get why they didn’t want me to watch in the first place. It’s horrible. Oh Jessica. That’s not horrible, trust me, but keep showing up to breaking up the schmoop and I’ll write campaigns to HBO to increase your screentime. 😉

Yeah…looking for the bf!

I have no idea. All he told me was, ‘Jessica, I have errands to run. Errands which do not require your presence. So remain here and do your best to stay out of trouble while I’m gone.’ Dead on, girlfriend! First of all, WTF! Bill. Could you be more condescending to her? And upon finding out that you’re going SHOPPING for clothes for HER! Oh, I guess she doesn’t have a say in buying clothes for herself…when clearly you need help. *rolls eyes*

Even Sookie has to be amused by that…

I hate it here. I hate it *so* much! And is it any wonder with the way Bill’s treating her?

Aww…she thinks she misses her parents.

She’s also realized she’s been totally bad to her little sister…aww…Poor Jessica.

She starts wiping her tears away…only to be surprised they’re blood!

Even Sookie knows Bill should’ve told him! He’s a bad dad right now…

Jeez, ya think?

Sookie tries to relate to Jessica, something Bill doesn’t do, obviously, and realizes she understands how Jessica feels. She’s lost her Gran…

But grandparents are supposed to die…

It’s the distance that hurts, no matter who’s doin’ the leaving.

Jessica wants to know what Sookie does when she misses Gran. So we learn that Sookie just goes into Gran’s room and sits there for a spell. Being in a place her Gran used to be makes her feel better. Jessica wants to see her parents.

Sookie’s like ‘Oh hell no!’

Look at her face! She’ll just sit in the car!

Sookie thinks that if Jess just explains it to Bill, he’ll take her. This ways says it all.

Sookie caves. They’re just swining by…

And they’re getting Jessica a change of clothes, because it’s worse than what Sookie wears…and we can’t have that.

Don’t mention it…to Bill. Ever. Oh, so now we’re keeping secrets from Bill…just like one of *those couples* because you KNOW Bill would throw a hissy fit, yell at your etc…just like one of *those couples*. Interesting…

Looking more out of place than a Jew at an al-Qaeda pep rally is Bill at Forever 21!

It’s reaaaaallly obvious. She helps him look for an outfit…

…for his daughter, Jessica…some daughter huh? He sure treats her horribly…

She picks out this lovely gem!

Bill’s like, great for my girlfriend, not for my daughter…you know?

The saleslady says Bill’s conservative…Bill says no, he’s just old fashioned…She doesn’t think Bill looks old enough to be old fashioned?

Umm…have you seen what he’s wearing. The polo is an improvement, but he still looks trapped in the 70s…

She touches his cold arm!

I am vampire…Yes.

She wants to model the short skirt for Bill. Can you smell that? It’s Desperation No. 5!


Annnnnnndddd Entering Stage Left, it’s ERIIIIIICCC! And everyone’s attention kinda piqued towards Big E.

‘Good evening, Old Sport.

Whoooooaaa…OMG! He’s so powerful, so beautiful…The closer I step the more beautiful he gets…You can do this, just walk up there and offer yourself to him…

*Ahem* ‘Eric?’

‘It’s the new me. You like?’

“I do…very much.’ Now why can’t I get a new hair do?

‘Oh, okay…wooo’ We’re like, sorry honey, he’s just not that into you.

Bill is confused…Eric is amused. LOL TB!

‘We need to talk.’ Oooh…

Now to some pseudo unbiased roleplay! Or should I say if a 50s After School Special had vampires in it.

Like we buy you as the Vampire Sympathizer…

It’s all very gag worthy…Just when we thought it couldn’t be more stupid…

The vampire sympathizer is really a vampire!

And you thought the US were secular…



Hulk Angry!

It’s the next me!

Luke is dejected. He’ll be calling the local shemale at the gym for ‘roids.

Jason has a sad Eddie flashback. I miss Eddie! I guess Jason is the character with PTSD.

He’s confused.

Sarah was kinda into it…

To the bar! Poor Terry is swamped in the kitchen! He misses Laffy.The burgers might give you e coli poisoning…

He doesn’t like feeling the pressure.

Arlene goes into the kitchen to help him out. It’s very cute. Her lipstick is horrible though.

Arlene relieves Terry of duty so he can take a break. Awwwww….

Daphne is a shitty waitress.

Even Terry knows! She’s sending all the food to Table 4! What’s going on at Table 4!?

Maryann flags her down…OH! We get it!

Daphne appreciates the help. A lot.

Maryann becomes Paris’ life coach only I don’t think it will help.

Sam goes to check on Andy.

He’s been sucking down beers like it’s going out of style. He’s feeling sorry for himself because people in Bon Temps don’t really see him and he’s been kicked off the case.

Sam agrees not to stop the tap once he finds out about the case.

People are dancing…

Sam’s like ugh..dancing…He wanted to make a place where no one would bother you to dance, it’s all rather Footlose to me.

One time at a club in Shreveport, a woman actually came up to me and said I looked like an epileptic on meth. LOL!

Oh boy…

Maryann starts dancing!

Everyone else joins in!

And just to prove how un-Hollywood they are, there’s unattractive people like you and I too!

Back to Forever 21!

‘The sheriff of Area 9 in Texas has gone missing…Have you heard about this?’ Bill really wishes he wore his platform heels right now.

It’s Godric?

Godric needs to be found. It’s where Sookie comes in.

Bill says no but Eric ignores him and just says that since Sookie is Bill’s he’s asking Bill permission to take Sookie to Dallas.

Bill says no in the name of Sookie’s safety. It’s sort of high handed, right intentions…but high handed. Not only that, but it’s displaying a lot of jealousy and it seems like Bill wants Sookie beholden to him only. Bill really wants those platforms…

You say ‘no, no, no, no’ when it’s really ‘yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah’

‘We made a deal your human and I, that if I didn’t kill anyone, she would work for me as often as I like. Now you remember this don’t you?’

I have an avatar for this:

And not because Eric stands on a platform…Clearly Eric has outplayed Bill using the very agreement he laid out with Sookie last season.

‘Taking her across state lines is a far cry from taking her to Fan-ng-tayze-shiiiee-ya for the evening!’

I’m only asking you permission out of respect. If I want her, I can simply take her. Is ‘no’ your final answer?’

‘It is.”

‘Poorly played, Bill.’ Never box in Eric. It means he’ll backdoor you. He allowed Eric to take the most extreme measure, which gets him in deeper shit. Just like last season with the Longshadow staking, instead of being flexible and allowing himself to negotiate. Negotiation is clearly off the table now and you’ve given Eric free rein.

You are the weakest link! Goodbye! Oh, btw, you have been ouplayed, outwitted and outlasted.

The girls pull up to Jessica’s house.

Cue sad reminisces…Wait a minute! Is that the same dress Bill and Sookie had graveyard sex in? Now that’s just tacky. Note to self, never borrow your mother’s clothes…

Sookie apologizes for causing Jessica to be turned…guilt that Bill put in her head. It’s just unreasonable to put the blame for what happened on her. Bill made a choice.

Jess is kinda confused like us. I mean…she seems to like being a vampire more than she does being human… But, she doesn’t blame Sookie for what happened.

Jessica runs to the door when she sees her sister! Oh noes!

Too late Sookie…

Aww…hugs for mommy!

“Don’t cry.’

Mommy is happy!

The sister comes in! Whoa…this production hired all the redheads in Hollywood…

Sookie gets introduced…I think I might just introduce Sookie with a face pulled like that too…

Sookie is soooo not pleased that she brought Jessica here….

Especially not when Jess asks to be invited in…

We can’t stay

C’mon in everybody!


Things are very happy when Eggs walks in to make a bold schmoopy declaration to Tara. No, we don’t have any Schmoop Busters. I call foul!

What just walked through that door? Trouble.

Eggs, she’s working, go away!

Wait…Schmoopy Half Buster? She’s inebriated and hits on Eggs…Maybe if she were sober, she could have alcohol withdrawal, go crazy and stab Eggs with a fork?

‘Jane Bodehouse, you are crazy ass drunk, but usually you wait for some loser to hit on you. What the hell has gotten into you?’ YAY! Tara’s back in form!

Jane leaves and has a Mindlink of Crazy with Maryann…

Eggs spews some reverse psychology. Says, Fuck that! He wants to be with Tara…


OH NOES! She’s getting the epileptic on meth to dance!

Now the Smash starts trashtalking to the Saracen because he’s not good enough! ‘You think you walk on water, don’t you?’

Insert blonde moment! ‘Pretty sure that was Moses.’ D’oh!

‘What was with you snapping the American flag like some Muslim Buffy with a dick?*I* wanted to do that!

‘You being here is a joke, Stackhouse! They might not have seen it, but they will!’

Day 2 belongs to The Smash, baby! Can you dig it?

I guess that’s some UST…

Poor Jason has another flashback…of when he was good to Eddie. Wow, so episode one was a Sam episode, episode two was Jason’s…what’s next? Will we find out What Pam Did?

Jason’s head hurts!

What is going on in Sam’s bar?


There’s an epileptic on meth.

Oh and someone missed their calling on The Grudge…

All this means it’s time to crack down on Maryann!

‘The fuck is going on out there?’ We’d like to know too!

Maryann plays dumb. I dunno…

Sam is PO’d. All I have to say is never piss her off…How to Burn Calories 101…

Poor Sam, he’s become a dog! And if he doesn’t want his doggy status revealed, he’ll shut up and let Maryann Par-tay. Where was that power when I was 16?

You’re eviler when you’re mean to animals!

Sookie is pissed. Jessica has impulse control issues.

Poor Eden has a problem with hair! Aww…Don’t go to school during Kick a Ginger Day, honey. Kids can be cruel.

Daddy comes home and we have a happy reunion!

…Or not. Call Child Services!

Except Jessica can stand for herself and it really does look like Mr. Hamby has a history of child abuse.

Uh oh.

Watch out!

Laffy is bleeding out on the couch and Chow wishes he was turned when there were hair plugs…

“How much blood has he lost?’

‘Oh, I’m sure he has something to offer.’ We heart you, Pam!

‘It seems a shame we have to wait for Eric.’

‘Well maybe one day you’ll be sheriff and you can make the rules.’

‘I doubt that.’

‘Me too.’ That Pam!

Eric asks how Laffy’s leg is…he’s like, there’s a hole! HELL-O!

‘After all your proclaimations of what a model prisoner you were going to be, you had to try and escape.’ I wonder if those are from the Eric Northman Fan Club?

I sent him the one with the giant…umm…nevermind…

And now you’ll never know if they were gonna kill you Laffy…or so he says.

Pam brought out her pom poms again.

Death by leg or death by vampire?

‘Imma suvivor. I’m gonna make it! I will survive and keep on survivin’!’

‘I have no time for musicals, there is my fanclub to get to.’

‘Make me a vampire.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

I’ll go-go for you Eric! I’ll be your badass vampire, Eric! Can’t blame you for hitting on him, Laffy…

‘You are aware there’s a gaping hole in your leg? You’re damaged goods.’

‘Not if you turn me.’

Lizzy has shift on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays with Martin, Lucy’s on…

I already have vampire morals!

I already have first position up the backside! I don’t share!

Pam already has first position up the backside. She doesn’t share.

Milk with your cocoa puffs! Milk with your cocoa puffs! Milky, milky riiiiiight?

‘I’ll take it under advisement.’


‘Chow time!’

And then there was a feeding frenzy at the OK Coral! Isn’t it amusing that Laffy’s flesh is about to be torn apart and Eric is wearing a necklace with an eagal talon on it that you can buy for 60 bucks or more depending on the metal at the HBO shop?

Chow, chow, chow, chow, chow, chow….MEEEE-OOOOOOWWW! Marina, chicken lamb and rice for you all!

Mr. Hamby is cornering Jessica…BAD IDEA!

Sookie gets pushed over. Jessica made new fans.

Mom tries to get Jessica to stop, but Jessica’s new found vampire status is kinda like alcoholic bluntness and reveals that her mom is an enabler.

You don’t know the first thing about me! You don’t know anythin’…She is dumb! She’s dumber than a sack full of hammers and he’s as mean as a snake and that’s the way it’s always gonna be around here.’

Jessica realizes the implications for her sister. She’s about to pull a Folken and get Eden out of Fanelia!

She’s ending things with the belt! Poetic…

‘Don’t worry, it’ll only hurt for a minute.’

Here comes the Boy Wonder, just in the nick of time!

Jessica is compelled away by her maker.

‘Thank God you’re here!’

‘SHUT UP!’ Oh that’s nice.

Now someone has to invite Bill in…but he’s not like that…he won’t…

Oh never mind…

You’re eviler when you take advantage of children…

Bill is on a slippery slope and using pretty words…I don’t think he’s your friend.

Sookie, take note.

Bill gets invited in by Eden under glamour.

‘Get the hell outta here so I can clean up your mess!’

‘Bill, please don’t kill them.’

‘This is *your* fault! Now get the hell out of here!’*SHOVE*

Positively charming, yelling at Sookie like that and once again, putting the blame on her. Sure, Sookie could have heeded his words better, but he is at fault too and he doesn’t have to handle it like this. We show our character when we’re under duress and Bill is certainly showing his. It looks a LOT like this:

Where you are badgered until you cry to reveal something, to feel guilty.

When you’re out of the secret club for something you couldn’t control. Shunned because you didn’t follow orders through and were made to feel guilty because of it.

When you have to beg on your knees because everything was your fault and you’re made to cry.

When you’re yelled at and badgered until you cry because you’ve kept a secret that is not the business of your partner to know and made to feel guilty because of it.

It sure looks a lot like that…a lot of power games, guilt harbouring and controlling. I really think Bill and Sookie are better apart than as a couple. All their happy couply scenes together are sickeningly sweet, if it’s not overly sweet, they’re bringout the worst in each other and on top of it, they’re boooring. Not only that, when she’s with Bill, Sookie is this stars-in-her-eyes, naive idiot. She’s capable and smart, except when she’s with Bill. She allows herself to be dumbed down instead of sticking it where it belongs and letting Bill know he can’t treat her like that. Sookie becomes Bill’s bunny and unlike Mikaela who tells the jock to shove it, Sookie doesn’t do that. She lets him get away wtih too much and it seems Bill is either taking advantage of her liniency or fostering it through his use of guilt as a control mechanism. Either way, this is just not healthy. I suggest they give Sookie a backbone before she becomes the pariah of True Blood like Kate…

Now what is Bill gonna do about a problem called Jessica? He’s sure looking every bit the father Jessica left behind. He’s even got snake teeth…well…lookit that…The irony of Bill is that the more he searches and tries to hold on to his humanity, the less humane he becomes. He becomes the very worst of humanity.

Daddy first, I guess!

I hope you enjoyed that! Desperation No. 5 is a song by Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots… I think it’s become a running theme…The Folken/Fanelia thing is a reference to The Vision of Escaflowne. A BRILLIANT piece of anime. One of the best out there. I definitely hope to shorten the next recap. I’ll be condensing a bit more lol.

Thanks to Marishna from LJ for the caps. They were supplemented with my own as well. Thanks to Bluebear for the gifs! She rocks. The avatars are from LJ as well. The Lost caps are from Lost-Media.

Please keep in mind that my analysis is my opinion and you are more than welcome to disagree with it, in a respectful fashion.



7 Responses to “Meow Mix, Desperation and Understanding Why TV is Horrible”

  1. […] Meow Mix, Desperation and Understanding Why TV is Horrible Now I couldn’t name it after than horrible song by that horrible singer now could I? lol. I give you the recap to Episode 2 of True Blood! Click on the picture! […]

  2. Oh man, that is fuckin’ hilarious ;D

  3. As usual Simba, u know how to make me laugh, that was funny. I really enjoyed the Eric moments very much!!!!

  4. Awesome summary!!!! You are right up there with Cleolinda on the irony and sarcasm scale. I look forward to your Episode 3 summary.

  5. That’s my Simba!!!!! I have an idea!!! I will email you!!!



  6. hey that was a great read . Thanks for the great post .Loved every part of it.

  7. Thanks for the great recap- I missed this episode, and seemingly a lot of classic Eric moments too *sad face* All your summaries rock, especially with the FNL references, the Smash and the Saracen- hell yeah! … Wonder what it would be like if Riggins was a vampire… but I digress.

    Keep up the hilarity, LOST/FNL references and distaste toward Sookie/Bill!

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