Hemophobes Ruin All The Fun

Hey all! I hope Christmas and New Years has/is going well for you all! As promised, a recap of Season One’s Plasir d’Amour. It’s my favourite episode of S1, btw lol. The opening minute has got to be my favourite of all time on TV. It was absolutely hilarious! Hemophobes? It’s a reference to those afraid of blood…like Ginger ruining E and Pam’s fun or those afraid of vampires symbolically, like Jason or Bill, he fears himself.

Before I begin, I have to tell you guys that I took a sci-fi English course this Fall semester, so I’m going to bring some of that discussion into my recaps from now on. Because as you know, True Blood does have sci-fi/fantasy elements in it and as such, you can’t help but see some of the traditional ideas that sci-fi had brought up over the years…or I can’t, because I’ve still got it on the brain. Anyway, let’s see if you can spot the book references! I’ve already got some spectacular ideas lined up for Season 3. They’ve been noted and jotted down. So yes…on top of the Lost, BSG and other references, there will now be book references.

One of the benefits of going through old episodes with foresight is that you pick up the hints along the way a lot more. It’s kinda like with Lost…Oh hey, they may have planted that whole Aaron thing with Sawyer for a reason…Hmm…And it really does become noticeable that Bill came with an agenda. You can see that his actions are used to leash Sookie, only he rationalizes it because of his feelings. He knows that Sookie has an attraction for Eric, which is why he always acts like a douche when Eric’s around. He can’t stop Sookie’s feelings or growing attraction for Eric, which is why he conditions her by telling her how horrible Eric is.

It also becomes clear that for the main characters, they’re all incredibly myopic and selfish. Seriously, all the main characters are sooo selfish it makes me want to puke. They just all come off as completely self-centred. Sure, they may have their reasons for being so, but the writers just play it off too much at times. It’s annoying.

I also couldn’t help but see Eric’s Hair Evolution during all the E parts…it was weird. Seeing first season stuff really reminds me of when I totally joined the I Love Eric Northman Fan Club. He presented something entirely different from all the other males on the show. Jason, Bill and Sam are all kind of these hapless, bumbling, but ultimately good guys, the straight arrows. Lafayette is this awesome injection of flavour…but Eric, he was just cool. You can say it’s because he’s the bad boy or whatever, but he’s the kind of character that always draws me. The one that’s rough around the edges, snarky and has something beneath the surface. It’s when that type of character shows up that I pay attention. He’s like Sawyer from Lost or Derek Reese from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Eric’s that X-factor that makes you want to watch because there’s something intriguing about the character that you want to know. When Derek Reese showed up, he took TSCC from being kinda alright to something with endless possibilities. I loved the character because he’s not easy to understand, you have to figure it out and it’s a challenge, just like Eric. Sometimes I’ll probably think Eric can be an idiot, but mostly, I’ll just heart him.

Anyways, onto the recap! I feel kinda rusty.

Sookie’s all choking and not breathing and we’re like OH NO! See, this is when we still cared about whether or not Sookie would live…but at the same time, we knew they would not kill the eponymous character.

Ginger wants to take her gold lamé self home! Thus begins the awesome that is Ginger.

Bill no like!

‘Ginger, enough!’ ‘Thank you.’ Vampire choking a human to death? Just another day at the office. Regina and Gretchen are too cool for school. This was when I knew I officially loved Eric and Pam.

Long Shadow goes for the jugular, but what’s this, Bill has a plan?

Don’t you know? All tap handles make handy stakes!

And Long Shadow is stabbed in the back by one of his own. NOOOOOOOOO! Cue Billface!

And because this *is* True Blood after all, cue phallic blood spray! How do you like that little death?

Eric? Pam? *Evol look of grand scheming*

Long Shadow is having heavy flow…Don’t wear white after Labour Day, honey.

And now Long Shadow demonstrates the effects of too many facelifts and too much botox. Your face melts right off. Just say ‘no’ to plastic surgery. Seriously. It’s an effect even WORSE than Glow Hands or vibrators…I know right?

FFS, in Buffy, over TEN years ago, they were doing Machida. They SOO ripped Machida for Voldemort. Note to True Blood, hire the people from BSG to do special effects and hire the Buffy people to do monsters and shit. I mean, HBO has got to have increased your budget after all the ratings and the critics and the top 10 lists and the vampire craze thingy. On Lost, there’s a reason the polar plushy that launched itself at Sawyer got axed…

I told you it was heavy flow…

Now that is blowing chunks! Did I tell you that Ginger is a hemophobe and therefore a Vampire bar is probably not the best place for her to work? No, she’s not a hemophobe? Well…this is just the Tube Top Diet.

‘Humans. Honestly, Bill, I don’t know what you see in them.’ LOL. I love Eric’s oneliners! Plus, he SOOOO will…in several seasons’ time. But right now? Eric and Pam are NOT impressed.

Doesn’t she look straight out of a nightmare? I don’t know about you, but getting heavy flow all over myself from a vampire on a date would SOOOOO spell the end of a relationship for me. Seriously. Because that’s not only totally ick and gross or completely embarrassing, it’s  like, that beau is totally into baaaad shit.

Time for True Blood!

I totally thought this was supposed to be a toilet! 😉

Don’t think that’s coming out with bleach… I wonder if this shot is metaphorical for the relationship? And hey, is it a weird parallel that the next time we get this shot in a bathroom, Sookie’s contemplating her engagement? If so, that just makes the whole thing more wrong…

‘How did I end up with you people? Jesus! Mother Mary! Ahhh! I’m so sorry, mama!’ LOL. C’mon, Bill…can’t you help her clean up your mess? This is one of the instances where you start seeing other people always cleaning up Bill’s messes. It’s done through imagery and I think it’s pretty symbolic. It’s showing how the writers will continually absolve Bill from blame and consequences. Sure, Ginger is the hired help…but it wouldn’t hurt Bill, you know. Bill’s the one that caused the mess, but someone else cleans it up. For all of Bill’s lip service for equal rights and all that, it’s a human that has to do the dirty work and clean up after him. We’ll banish slavery but African Americans are still second class citizens…

‘When Ginger is finished, glamour her for me.’ ‘Are you sure? She’s been glamoured one too many times already. Who knows how much of her is left?’ LOL! Mind wipe! Wonder what Ginger has seen…lol. Seriously, I don’t think Ginger was much to begin with…I just love how unaffected Eric and Pam are by the whole thing. They just make everything hysterical with their deadpanness.

‘It’s either that or turn her. You want her?’ ‘Please. I’m not that desperate.’ Pam has STANDARDS. ‘Glamour, it is.’ ‘Excellent.’

‘Come, I’ll buy you a blood.’ Because vampires don’t like beer…lol. And Bill is in trouuuuubblllleeee!

I just think this shot is cool. E has a cool microwave. Apparently it only takes 5 seconds in the microwave…I never got that. It should be like…15 to 30 seconds to get it warm enough, right? I wonder if vampires suffer the effects of microwaves? Like do vampires face any side effects from electrons moving faster? Like, there’s a reason you don’t want to stand in front of them. I never looked at them the same way after high school physics. And every time my sister stands in front of it, it’s like…well, more brains for me, I guess!

‘Thank you.’ Aww…unintentional height gag!

‘How do you stomach that stuff? Don’t you find it metallic and vile?’ Oooh! Tearing down Bill’s masculinity…A REAL vampire drinks REAL blood…none of that synthetic stuff. Guess Eric isn’t doing vegetarian beef…  Besides, his body is a temple. Organic only!

‘I don’t think about it. It’s sustenance, that’s all.’ Suuuuuure! Now we get Bill being all pompous and superior because he’s a GOOD vampire who doesn’t feed on humans. He even completes it with a chest puff and a chin tilt! What are you, 12? E wasn’t kidding when he said you’re like a teenager, a petulant one. Fish are our friends, not our food. Only Bill does it to the extreme and completely denies who he is.

*Snicker* Oh Billy, you amuse Eric.

‘If you’re their poster boy, the Mainstreaming Movement is in VERY big trouble.’ No, Eric, he’s not very much to look at.

‘True Blood, it will keep you alive, but it will bore you to death.’ Quite possibly the best line in the season! And I love AS’ delivery of it. Good thing E’s not on Slim Fast…life would be very booooring.

‘Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?’ But, Ewic! I’m a weal wampire! …Even if I can’t win this cockfight, I’ll settle for ordering my boss around! *cough*Idiot*cough* Did Ewic hurt your wittle feelings?

‘You killed a vampire, Bill. For a human. What are we going to do about this?’ Eric is giving Bill a test. ‘What do you have in mind?’

‘I’ll take the girl.’ ‘No.’

O RLY?

Test FAILED. I really love this scene because there’s SO much going on in it that’s implied and it holds many clues to things that will probably happen later in the series. It’s LADEN with meaning. And the acting is so subtle. There’s so many a-ha! moments, but they aren’t these huge signs that tells the audience, ‘THIS IS AN A-HA MOMENT!‘ There’s also a TON of male posturing lol.

‘You can have anyone you want, why do you want her?’ Way to draw attention to Sookie. Why Eric wants Sookie, really wants her, can be linked back to this conversation when Bill dangled a shiny toy in front of E. Smart. Hi Eric, I’ve got a Royal Flush! In fact, would you like to have my Royal Flush?

‘Why do you want her? You’re not in love with her, are you?’ Nicely played, Eric. Eric 2, Bill 0.

‘Sookie must be protected.’  I mean, I don’t have a Royal Flush…and you can’t have it! Shit! STOP ORDERING YOUR SHERIFF AROUND? WTF? Again, Bill is implying MANY things to Eric and he doesn’t even realize it. He shouldn’t have put so much importance on Sookie, because now he’s made Eric intrigued and exactly why Eric really wants Sookie can be linked back to this conversation, because she’s something that Bill finds valuable, that he wants to protect. He’s made Eric notice Sookie, made her shiny and Eric is like, the biggest magpie on the block. Secondly, Bil’s too petulant for his own good and it’ll bite him in the ass sooner or later. Sure, he might be petulant because he has the favour of the queen…but I think he’ll run out of allies soon enough…

‘Now that sounds like an edict, but it couldn’t be, because *I* would know about it.’ OOH! Hook, line AND sinker! Eric didn’t even have to TRY and he got a point. Eric 3, Bill 0.

Oh, Frank, you just had to GIVE the ice-nine to Papa…

‘Admit it. You love her.’ Now that is what you call mocking…Eric doesn’t do petty human emotions! (But he SOOO WILL!) Aww, wittle Billy Boi is in wuv…How cute! Fate will LOVE biting you in the ass Eric. A lot. Because you have a nice one. 😉 International Butt Contest, two cheeks up!

‘If I hadn’t done what I did, would you have let his disloyalty stand?’ He just keeps digging holes…He would fail at Diplomacy…France: Of COURSE I won’t put a fleet in the English Channel, Great Britain… Great Britain: Well, looks like we’re attacking France! Fleet North Sea to English Channel! Fleet Irish Sea supports Fleet English Channel. England for the cockblock and seizure of the English Channel! Woo!

‘Whatever I would have done to Long Shadow, I would not have done in front of witnesses. Especially not vampire witnesses.’ Implying, no DUH Eric would have done something, but he would’ve handled it vampo a vampo…with no witnesses. Ie. Shoot and bury that cow afflicted with mad cow instead of reporting it…That was a very bad joke on the part of Ralph Klein btw…

Speaking of cows and the McPeople…The relationship between the humans can’t help but remind me of the Eloi and Morlocks in The Time Machine. There’s an intimacy there, the Eloi and the Morlocks were both the same species once, but they evolved into two and through slavery and segregation, the Morlocks eventually fought back and started eating the Eloi once they ran out of food, with the Eloi being very complaisant to it. Just like the Eloi and the Morlocks, vampires were humans once too…but they changed and now use humans as sustenance. The great fear that book represents is what if evolution doesn’t make things better? What if everything just degenerates? A theme that can be seen in True Blood, fear that each generation will degenerate. Vampires like Eric are interesting, in that they’ve become so apathetic to humans and humanity because all they see is degeneration. All they see is Hobbes’ view of the world, nasty, brutish and short. Human nature doesn’t change for the better.

Yes, Bill, you are officially EPIC FAIL. Seriously, this is like 4-0. Yes, I do think Eric orchestrated this whole thing and Bill played straight into E’s hand. Eric now knows the extent of Sookie’s ability. He gets Long Shadow staked which was probably always the game plan, but doesn’t get his hands dirty or fingers pointed at him. I’ll bet he already knew what was going on, but wanted to take Sookie for a test drive and find out why Bill is back in his area…because it stinks. There’s a lot of rational utility maximizing going on here and killing two birds with one stone…

‘Not smart, Bill. Not smart at all.’ THANK YOU, Eric. Seriously. Let’s recap. Eric tests Bill. Bill fails. He reveals that he’s probably in Eric’s area for shady dealings, that the higher ups probably want Sookie and that Sookie is valuable commodity. But that’s not all Bill does, he draws attention to Sookie, which makes Eric want her even more. Why? Because Bill wants her and everyone else wants her, because her telepathy is a hot commodity.

It may not be smart…but I drink True Blood and I’m better than you! So…so there!

Jason does NOT like accessory to kidnapping for V…

But Amy saved him from sucking Eddy’s dick for V…so it’s all good! If you looked in the dictionary under sociopath, you would find a picture of Amy Burley.

Jason accuses Amy of having kidnapped vampires before and Amy’s like DUH! She also seems kinda tickled.

‘Jesus, I should’ve known somethin’ wasn’t right the moment you walked into my life carrying that big bag of crazy. ‘Cause any woman who carries a purse that big’s gotta have somethin’ I don’t wanna know about.’ That just about sums it up…lol. I wonder if she carries rubber tubing, bongs, crack pipes or coke spoons in there? I mean, there’s certainly enough room…

‘Jason, baby, you’re sweet, but you’ve gotta mellow out.’ Yeah, Jason, it’s just what? Fraud, home invasion, assault and kidnapping? Like, get with the program. Oh Jason…taken advantage of for his looks and lack of brains…again.

Silly Jason! Bad hippie music will make all this go away…Mellow the fuck out! Because then we can be a *Family*.

Dude, not even Bounty is gonna wipe that away.

‘Put these on.’ A garbage bag, Pam? Wait…Oh the wonderful world of polymers and plastics! Sookie’s all thanks, but no thanks. Oh C’mon! Pam’s all, change out of your clothes with Pam in the room. That Pam!

Sookie wants to blow dry her hair and leave, but Pam tells her that the boys aren’t done talking just yet.

‘Is Bill in some kind of trouble?’ Hmm…let’s see, he’s just killed another vampire. NO DUH.

That’s for the boys to figure out…’Based on whether or not Bill fails his test, which he will and thus will be in SOOO much trouble. ‘Right now, what you need to do is change out of your clothes.’ I’ll even help you with the baby powder and Vaseline. *wink*

‘There’s vampire in your cleavage.’ I’m SOOO staring down your dress.

Yes, that is how far Pam is able to look down your dress.

‘Allow me.’ Yes, Pam, you are brilliant.

And Pam just reaches down in there. Aww, she gets to second base before Eric! I’ll bet she learned that move from him though. Sneaky, sneaky. Thanks…I think?

‘I’m beginning to get the fuss everyone is making over you.’ Uh oh for Sookie!

‘Hi there, Pam. Oh, who’s your new friend?’ Damn. Saved by Ginger! It’s okay, Pam. One day you will be sheriff and you can make Chow deal with the riff raff and constantly get cockblocked. It’s okay.

‘Ginger, Sookie. Sookie, Ginger.’ Go with it, or I will eat you. Poor Pam, to surround herself with birdbrains!

‘Nice to meet you, Sookie.’ ‘Riiiight, nice to meet you too.’

‘Oh, you don’t have to be scared, they’re really quite nice here.’

They’re about as nice as hippos. Number one cause of death in Africa not related to humans…

After motor vehicle accidents, this guy kills the most humans. FYI. You really don’t want one for Christmas, trust me. And they will NOT make your future friendly by any means.

Meanwhile at Casa de Stackhouse, Amy demonstrates that kidnapping is one of her favourite, most done pastimes. How else would she know to obscure windows…And Jason is doing everything he can to be an accessory to kidnapping. We’ll upgrade his charges later on to accessory to kidnapping AND murder.

Proving the scope of paranoia after 9/11, Jason has gas masks for anthrax, I assume. Because the terrorists are gonna hit BT! It’s really interesting that they mentioned 9/11 on the show because I really think it was done intentionally to show the paranoia towards Muslims afterwards. There was a lot of Muslims=Terrorists! going on. That allusion is made onto the vampires on True Blood. Sometimes they deserve that moniker, sometimes they don’t. But one kinda ruins it for everyone.

Amy starts being sociopathic when Jason starts asking what they’re gonna do with Eddy. FFS, just live in the now! Anyway, they’re gonna drink from Eddy. Free range and organic, you know?

‘I DO live in the now. In fact, I’ve gone entire months without thinking about shit.’ No shit. This is why he’s with Amy now and why Amy is using him. Peer pressure. Everyone’s doing it!

‘But the truth is, right now, the now kinda sucks and if we both can’t admit that, we are 100% fucked.’ Like any woman, she just tuned him out (I imagine half of what Jason says is like those teachers on Snoopy anyway) while she makes a drip for V. And you really see how V is a drug. The paraphernalia…it’s very heroin.

Wanna do the first line, man?

Jason doesn’t want to do it like this and Eddy thanks him. ‘STOP TALKING TO ME.’ Eddy is Jason’s conscience. Only he doesn’t want to listen to it.

Everything Amy does tries to dehumanize Eddy from being an actual person, so that Jason can just see him as a commodity. It’s no different than sex slavery. It’s like the Resch character in Philip K. Dick’s ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?’ He dehumanizes the androids, so that he can ‘retire’ them without conscience. They’re just robots. They’re not human. The irony in Eddy is that he was human once. What makes it any different now that he’s a vampire? Like Androids, True Blood is about identity. Who am I? What makes a human, human? What separates human from vampire? It’s not an easy distinction, because the vampires ARE us. They’re not just disaffected, marginalized groups, they represent who WE are at the core, who we could be. That’s the very basis of what the vampires represent on True Blood, their capability to brutality, violence, but also kindness and compassion. They’re reflections of us and it scares not only the people in Bon Temps, but also bring to light their attractiveness to the viewing audience.

He can’t do it because Eddy’s looking him in the eye. You know, like cows, they’re kinda cute. Jason doesn’t think it’s right.

So Amy does the peer pressure game and just drinks it. And she doesn’t cut it with aspirin because it’s fresh…and cutting it with aspirin looks a lot like coccaine…

And now Amy is chasing a dragon and wants Jason to chase them with her! God, she looks like SUCH a heroin junkie…the eyes.

Jason’s conscience begs him not to do it…but Jason isn’t good at listening.

‘I said don’t talk to me!’ And that’s how peer pressure works! He downs it to prove himself and spite Eddy. Poor Eddy!

Did anyone start hearing Sympathy for the Devil during this sequence? And they totally ripped Tia Dalma’s shack from POTC. Anyways, Tara wants to know why Miss Jeanette’s voodoo worked. Faith. Duh. Only problem is that Tara is an unbeliever! Miss Jeanette explains that your body is a physical manifestation of your soul…And Tara’s soul is sick. One thing I found annoying about Tara’s arc was the need to change her in such a way. I would have swallowed this all much better if she did internal soul searching rather than seeking external things like exorcisms. I mean, wouldn’t an Adult Child of an Alcoholic know that answers don’t lie at the bottom of bottles or exorcisms? Or am I just putting too much credence of Tara’s ability to learn? Regardless, Tara is portrayed as someone who wants to be the exact opposite of her mother…so this should have been obvious. I prefer character over plot device…and exorcisms are plot device.

‘My soul don’t wanna get ripped off.’ I miss snarky Tara!

Being the clever scam artist she is, Miss Jeanette asks after Tara’s mom. Tara says she’s doing well and expresses disbelief that her mother even believes all this. Miss Jeanette wants to know why Tara’s here if she don’t believe. A good question.

There is an epic staredown, but Tara breaks down first. ‘How much it gonna cost me?’ *headsdesk*

‘$799.95‘ SCREAMING of scam, much? But the rum’s on the house! That makes it SOOO much better.

She explains it’s because getting rid of Tara’s demon will take more energy because it’s darker than her mom’s. I think it’s because it’s harder to scam Tara, so she should get more money for it.

‘I’m worse than her? Uh-uh. I once saw that woman eating her own vomit because she didn’t want to waste the alcohol she lost bringing it all up.’ DUH Tara, you are SOOO not worse than her…Clever, Miss Jeanette preys on Tara’s deepest fears. Her Hyde. That she’s a bad person thanks to her mother and her upbringing. Going back to the theme of evolving to be worse as seen in H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine. Anyway, Jekyll and Hyde, the evil is inside of us. Vampires are the Jekyll character, but they’re part of us too. Bill is the Jekyll who has not resolved his Hyde. So when his id breaks out, it’s dangerous and brutal, full of cold blooded killing. It is when Jekyll denies Hyde that eventually Hyde just breaks out and takes over. Interestingly enough, Eric is a character who has come to terms with his id and ego, so he’s balanced and measured, only he’s portrayed as the one that’s more dangerous…I mean, he hasn’t caned knights to death or trampled over young children…

Miss Jeanette tells Tara to think about it because she can’t afford to push more people away. Her loneliness is spreading to her eyes and becoming a part of who she is. ‘You’re one hell of a salesman, aren’t you?’ I’ll bet she sold used cars before her stint wearing a wig and selling convenience products. And now Miss Jeanette nails her sale by telling Tara to count down from 10 in front of a mirror next time she’s alone. If she can get down to zero, Miss Jeanette is wrong…but if Tara can’t? How does she expect to be in her own company for the rest of her life, if she can’t do it for 10 seconds. Clever.

And SOLD to the lonely schmuck!

‘So you’re not in any trouble?’ ‘A simple slap on the wrist, that’s all.’ Liar, liar pants on fire! Oh yeah…that’s a slap on the wrist…killing your boss’ partner…Now with that outfit, is Sookie metaphorically Phoenix or Emma Frost? Fangtasia is SOOO the Hellfire Club. I just think Eric is cooler than Sebastian Shaw…although Pam could totally be Selene, La Belle Dame Sans Merci.

‘You swear, because Pam made it sound like-‘ HE INTERRUPTS HER! ‘Well Pam was turned a hundred years ago and yet, still behaves as if everyday were Halloween.’ At least Pam knows how to have FUN! ‘She’s all drama and theatrics.’

Deflection…make her focus on Pam, so she won’t focus on you…manipulation at work! Oh yes…that Pam…so dramatic, so theatrical…Need I remind of this theatric? His short term memory is like Dory’s.

‘I assure you, everything’s gonna be fine.’ Everything’s going to be fine…riiight…there he goes again, making promises he can’t keep. He even looks her in the eye and says it. Sheltering Sookie from the truth…I mean, if you cover your eyes and your ears, and put your head in the sand, everything’s gonna be fine. Doesn’t he realize that Sookie would rather have the truth than be saved from it? Especially when withholding it makes you a liar?

OOH! Something wicked this way comes!

‘Don’t look up!’

Of course she looks up, you idiot! You never tell someone not to look up or down…*sigh* And oh look, cat with no head. Charming.

This is extra charming.

Meanwhile Jason is having sex. Again. Amy stops him…now why would Amy stop him? ‘First we have to thank the vampire for the gifts he has bestowed upon us.’ Wow…sick, Amy. You are sick. ‘We are grateful for your gift to us.

‘Fuck you.’ GO EDDY! That is not a flattering angle btw…too bad you’ll have it for the entire episode!

Amy tells Jason to ignore him and they have sex anyway. Classy. What’s also classy is recycling sex scenes…Bill/Sookie sex this season? Been there, done that.

And now prepare for horrendously bad special effects. This is done on a budget. Pool. Green Screen. Stock Image. Sparkles! When you know how they composited it…it’s not a good effect.

I’m A Vampire, Get Me Out Of Here!

Aww, Poor Eddy and they’re wasting food!

Bill wonders why Sookie isn’t tired, but every time she closes her eyes…she sees ‘her face’.  ‘Your cat?’ Yes, Bill, because Sookie valued her CAT above her grandmother…Yes, that is an easy shot lol. Anyway, Sookie’s head is full of dead seniors…AND cats. Bill says that he’s there for Sookie, to protect her, but Sookie doesn’t want to be coddled.  He’s here to protect her…for the queen? Hmm?

Needing to be protected makes her feel like a helpless little girl all over again and it’s something she doesn’t want. And after Bartlett, you can’t blame her. Sookie, even in the books desperately needs control over her own life.

Bill says that all the trouble Sookie’s in and everything she needs protecting from is due to Bill. It’s his fault and he admits it. You see, it’s during these moments that I just DON’T get why they’re together…it’s like, okay, this guy is interested in you and all that, but is it really worth all the crap that’s happened to you since? Sookie really does jump into her relationship blindly. I think Bill feels guilty, which is why he’s coddling…because he knows the danger he’s put Sookie in by way of how poorly he handled Eric. You could see that Bill was sort of part wanting to push the awesome new toy he had, the favour he had with the queen, but also struggling to dampen it. And Eric won when Bill fell for all everything that Eric provoked in him, which meant Eric had room to tear him down, make jabs.‘So you needing to be protected has nothing to do with you or who you are.’ Guilt.

‘All of it is my fault, so why don’t you just go to sleep and let me be the one to worry about it.’ I think it’s just a combination of Steven Moyer’s tone and acting in this scene that just makes me go ‘OMFG! RED ALERT!’ I don’t know if it’s intentional that we’re supposed to see Bill shady so early on, or if it’s not…but it just seems like Bill is trying to make it so she doesn’t think about her ever present danger, so that he can keep her in a state of shock or lala land, so she won’t think, so he can use her emotions against her.

‘Bill, all the trouble I’m in, it’s mine. I chose it. I chose it when I chose you. […] Don’t you think I wanna blame someone else? But what happened to my Gran and now to poor Tina, it’s my fault. And it’s sweet of you to take it all for me, but if I let you, I’d be so mad at you I’d never be able to look at you again.’ Begging the question…why are you with him!? But, aww, remember when Sookie wasn’t like Weena? And actually stood up for herself? And by standing up for herself, I don’t mean bitch fighting. ‘And right now your face is the only thing getting me by. So why don’t you just leave it on me, okay?’ Oh yeah…she’s fully aware that it’s their combined faults…but Bill just doesn’t get her and that Sookie needs space, not coddling or to be treated like a weak flower.

She really does look like she’s kissing a corpse there…Attractive. Lay off on the white out, people!

Anyway, after the kiss of death, Sookie attempts to go to sleep…only every time she closes her eyes, she gets this slice of heaven.

Oh nice…Darth Vadar. Stalker breathing. I can’t wait until he finds out his father is a vampire…

Jason pretends to attack Amy. ‘Honestly, you’re like a little boy.’ DUH. That’s why you chose him. Easy to manipulate.

Amy now wants Jason to lie down and listen to the trees. Jason’s like…ummm…okay…because, he like us, knows that only Ents speak. Duh.

But they hear the trees laughing because they’re ticklish…But they aren’t high! Noooo…Funny thing though, Jase usually doesn’t talk like this or feel that lightheaded…High. Obviously. Amy explains that he’s talking weird because his mind is opening up and the lightheadedness, he just hasn’t eaten yet! Suuuure.

Now experience the flavours from a raw almond that only being high on V can provide you with!

Anyway, Amy insists that Jason only eat raw foods, nothing processed because that way, he will have a cleaner body and soul which means you will have a better experience being high. Greaaaat.

They’re about to get it on…but tortured screaming kinda ruins the mood. Oops.

Jason starts to become concerned about the logistics of everything…Someone might hear him after all…but as Amy says, he lives in the middle of nowhere…And Eddy isn’t a person. There she goes, dehumanizing him again. She’s such a sociopath, because if she dehumanizes Eddy it makes what she does okay. She would never be doing what she does to another human, but Eddy isn’t human, so she can.

‘Did I say he was? All I’m sayin’ is…my truck, for example. It ain’t a person either but I still fill it with gas and give it oil from time to time.’ And we see Jason bowing to peer pressure and being a liability to Amy all at the same time. He conforms to her wishes, but is using a compromise, one I don’t think he even he sees, but Jason still has a conscience.

‘You want us to feed him now?’ ‘Well, ain’t he gonna die?’ ‘Who cares?’ I guess Eddy is below automobile on her list. Jason just wants them to have a plan, only Amy has a plan! Everything is gonna work out because it has to!

Jason agrees that it’s not a plan…but Amy has feelings. Deflection. Jason makes her feel things she never did before and a lot of bad shit has happened to her. Because you’re a crazy sociopathic drainer! DUH. But since bad stuff happened to her, she deserves this. SOCIOPATH. And she loves him. Riiiight. She’s such a drug addict. They will say and do absolutely anything as long as they have their drug. Jason is a liability to her fix, so she capitalizes on what he needs most. His insecurities. Oh look, the heroin eyes! I think they have a Visine for that. You need it.

And Jason is TOTALLY FREAKED OUT! So Amy cleverly uses coercion and manipulation to smooth things over her way. So she has a fix, and someone who will care for her. It’s about what she needs, not Jason. Poor Jason…he’s always used by women. First by Amy for V and secondly by Sarah for her failed marriage. He’s never loved for who he is. Just used. She says she loves Jason whether he likes it or not and makes a grand speech about how everyone wants to be loved, but run away scared when someone says it.

Jason falls for it hook, line and sinker. Determined, Jason says it back to her. Is there any other love story on this show besides the Minute Romance?

Tara attempts the countdown!

Only her mom walks in. ‘Don’t you knock? What if I was doin’ somethin’ private?’ ‘I taught you that was a sin against God.’ LMAO! LOL! Masturbation is badddd! Apparently Sam is there…Say what? Now Tara isn’t sleeping with him, right?

Now why has Lettie Mae jumped to that conclusion? ‘Because he brung flowers with him. And men only bring flowers if they have had sex with you and are looking to again. Especially goes for white men, because black men are less prone to grovel.’ LOL. I think she pretty much covered it. Tara’s not liking this. Don’t like your mama sober, don’t like her drunk. Pick something, sweetie.

Sammy is there to apologize for hurting her feelings. OOOH! They’re gonna have to take this outside because of the peanut gallery though.

Tara wants Sam to go because she’s just to effed up for it. Funny, her feeling that way and shutting people out is what causes her to be lonely…and next season when she finally opens up, she does it with all the wrong people. ‘You’re not the most fucked up person in this house, much less this town.’ Yup, but of course, everyone in this show is self-centred.

Tara reminds Sam that they were clear that they were just fucking. What does he want from this? ‘It’s too late for that.’ ‘What are you? A masochist?’ LOL.

‘Not at all, but I spent my entire life running away from people or pinning my hopes on somebody I can’t have. I’m done with that. Like it or not, you’ve reminded me that I’m a social animal. I’d rather deal with your fucked up shit than be alone.’ Too bad Tara can’t take that offer. Sure, it’s not deep love, but it is companionship and friendship…and fucking too…but yeah.

Annnnd Tara uses her fucked up shit to drive Sam away…Right now she’s contemplating an $800 exorcism from Crazy Swamp Bus Lady that she can’t afford because of a demon inside her. So does Sam still want that shit?

Well…not if Tara’s like this all the time, but he wants to make an effort. Tara doesn’t want him to and shuts him out. Those were nice flowers. And he’ll see her at work. Awkward, much? LOL.

Arlene manages to get an engagement party out of Sam and still manages to be selfish and greedy…even though Sam will provide drinks, catering and a location…Unbelievable. See, even Amy thinks so, isn’t that amazing? Luckily, Sam knows how to hold strong and yes, Arlene is a conniving suck up when she needs to be.

He’s going to make some woman extremely happy one day. Too bad no one wants him. Aww. No one wants to take that chance.

Good morning, Sookie.’ Speak of the devil! ‘Ain’t nothin’ good about this morning.’ Aren’t you a ray of sunshine?

While on the road crew, Jason talks to Treebeard again. Something tells me that is NSFW.

Rene starts jackhammering a root out…which makes you wonder. If there’s one root and one jackhammer, why does it take four guys at the work site? Laffy looks fab though. That moonlighter!

Unfortunately for Rene, Jason has a drug induced tree hugger moment. DON’T KILL IT! If you care about the tree, it lived, and only a jackhammer endangered the lives of four humans as Rene was wrestled to the ground.

Jason starts sprouting nonsense about how everything’s connected and Rene is pissed at almost getting killed. Wow…listen to that accent disappear… He’s upset that Jason placed the life of a tree ahead of his best bud…and there are people that count on him because he’s getting married…Again, people are selfish fucks on this show…Except Hoyt.

Sweet Hoyt asks if things are okay with Jay.

But because he wasn’t on the football team, he doesn’t get to call Jason ‘Jay’. Oookkkay. Male posturing much? And mood swing much? Someone’s getting the DTs bad. Fucking male posturing…hanging on to glory…

Sookie proves that her waitressing manners are about as good as Jack’s bedside manner. Andy is indecisive on his order. And Sookie is on edge.

She gets in the booth and demands that the law enforcement work for the people! C’mon! She wants him to do work instead of enjoying casual lunches while a killer is after her. It got Tina! Did you know that, Andy? Noooo! Because she didn’t call you because you don’t do shit! Ooooh! He’d still come and act like he doesn’t know what to order even though he always gets the cheeseburger and fries.

So Amy swings on by and saves the day! I know right? She’s actually good for something besides being sociopathic. She gets Sookie to take a break. Yes, Sookie, please take a break from grating on my nerves.

Annnd Andy will be having the cheeseburger and fries.

Amy goes outside to check on Sookie where she wishes she was a smoker because then she could take a break and no one would know there was something wrong with her. Deep. She is obviously having issues. PMS? Or what? I wish they would stop writing Sookie like a teenager with raging hormones.

Amy wonders why she even came in, but Sookie has because so many of her loved ones have died lately and if she doesn’t come in for work because of it, she wouldn’t be coming in at all…because of the sheer quantity of the dying going on. Oh and because Amy needs her help because Arlene is useless in her post-engagement haze. How very selfless of her.

They bond over Arlene. And now Sookie wants to know what Amy’s intentions are for Jason. Let’s think of it this way, a smart woman wants something to do with Jason…something stinks! Sorry, Jase.

And proving how great Amy is with manipulation, she turns the subject away from herself and onto guilting Sookie. It’s a good junkie trick. Jason misses Sookie after everything that’s happened, with Gran…Sookie doesn’t see it that way because he doesn’t show it…but Amy does point out that Sookie is sort of self-absorbed and has come to expect very little from Jason. Not that he doesn’t deserve it…but still. Amy tells her she’s still got people around her that love her, that she’s not alone and she wants to be one of those people eventually. Gotta give her props for working on the family so well.

‘You are waaay too good for him. You know that, right?’ ‘Of course I know that. I’m not stupid.’ Again Sookie, good time to ask why Amy is interested in him…

Unfortunately for Jason, his conscience is everywhere. Nan appears on TV. Nan’s all, take note that we haven’t retaliated for three of our own dying by human hands! Oh Nan, equality rights by bulldozing and coercion…Just wait…They won’t yet…as Eric says…And he did eat Royce eventually. Vamps just do it on the down low.

Eddy then breaks the silence with his moaning. It’s very Telltale Heart.

Poor Eddy needs to be moved because the chains/chair digging into his skin is causing him pain.

‘Thought you couldn’t feel pain.’ More dehumanizing…Of course vampires feel pain. Eddy explains that pain is felt when they can’t have blood and it hurts more than anything he felt alive. At this point I feel that this is a pertinent quote from The Merchant of Venice.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?
if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison
us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not
revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will
resemble you in that. If a Jew wrong a Christian,
what is his humility? Revenge. If a Christian
wrong a Jew, what should his sufferance be by
Christian example? Why, revenge. The villany you
teach me, I will execute, and it shall go hard but I
will better the instruction.

Jason decides to move Eddy. So long as it isn’t a trick and only if Eddy won’t bite him. Of course, Eddy’s too weak to even do that. Poor guy!

Jesus, for a vampire, you sure are a doughy fuck.’ LOL.

As as for karma? Jason will now need a chiropractor. LOL. Eddy’s feeling better though.

Tara finds an envelope with 800 dollars in it in her cubby.

She confronts Sam about it, but he refuses to budge. What the hell indeed!? What a waste of 800 bucks! Communication…they need it!

In other news, Bill is on the driving range.

‘Yes, he’s done it again, another lovely shot! A hole in one!’ There is something really weird, postury and phallic about this. Like…is this the only way Bill can really get a ‘hole in one’? Through simulated processes? He got a ‘hole in one’ while playing golf on the Wii, which requires you to grab a Wii remote…

Anyway, the door rings and who should be there but Eric and his posse? Err…Regina and Gretchen now have a Karen? A 250 pound unattractive male Karen? And unfashionable too…have you SEEN those gym shorts he insists on wearing TUCKED into his t-shirt?

Without so much as an invitation, the three enter the abode…in hierarchy. Chow’s the bottom of the heap. Eric makes the introduction very much like Pam. ‘Bill, Chow. Chow, Bill. ‘ They are so related. Chow is Long Shadow’s replacement. The doughy, less cool version. I guess they figure the uglier one will be more loyal?

‘Oh, I take it by your being here there was no way around it then?’ Around murder? Not really.

‘Can’t say. Didn’t really look into it.’ Pam snickers. LOL. Love her. E…has to be lying or stretching the truth. He’s neglected do stuff to have his way, I’m sure, but he definitely knows the deal.

‘Tell me, do you enjoy living half way up his backside the way you do?’ Yes, I am going to insult my boss’ child, number 2 and business partner, along with my boss all in one go. Smart.

‘Yes, it’s nice. You should try it.’ Go PAM! Pam knows how nice Eric’s ass is!

Bill needs to go to Merlotte’s to tell Sookie he’ll need to go and Eric better let him go do it, because this all started because she went to Fang-tayze-shee-ya to help E. A. What? A phone call won’t suffice? Hell, he can call Sam. This caused more trouble than it prevented. Oh right, you need to get your hooks in her. And this is TV. B. Eric wasn’t the one that was rash enough to stake another vampire with two vampire witnesses. Bill made that choice. C. Ordering your sheriff around again?

‘Fine. Go to the bar.’ Eric humours him…because A. He gets to see Sookie again…and B. check out the competition. All good things in a vampire’s life.

‘Might be smart to check out the competition. Yes, indeed.’There is always something else behind vampire motivations.

Chow wants to make small talk…and proves when it comes to vampires, Bill can never win the Battle of the Alphas. Not even in Wii Golf. Poor Bill.

‘I liked Long Shadow better.’ Aww, beat by Chow too. Sucks to be Bill. Yes, Eric surrounds himself with people better than you!

Jason learns about some of the perks of V. Healing, health…Eddy explains. Jason wants to know why all vamps don’t look like Eric, basically.

Eddy explains, ‘We are what we were before we were turned.’ Basically, vamps come in all shapes and sizes.

And now for the ballad of Eddy where Jason learns that Eddy’s human…He was a junk food eating, sedentary accountant. Eric SOO should’ve hired Eddy to be his accountant. Bruce was way too snivelly.

Eddy had always felt there was someone else inside him, but he convinced himself he was happy, like most people do. Until one day, he came home and his wife was crying like crazy because his son had been in a fist fight because someone insinuated Eddy was gay. Like Jason said, kids are morons…Only Eddy’s wife wanted him to have the same reaction, only Eddy didn’t. Eddy never knew he was gay. Everything in your life is just conditioning, after all. OOH! Constructivism!

Eddy tells Jason it’s the rare man who knows who he is. He’s lucky to have accomplished just that. Interestingly enough, Jason is the one that’s lost. He’s got no clue who he is. He doesn’t really have a purpose in life, so he uses the endless string of women to try and be happy and other things too.

Jason supposes it must be easier for Eddy because gays are supposed to look like Jason. Stereotypes…hate ’em or love ’em. After Eddy’s wife left him with his kid, he went to a gay bar to hit on other men, only he got laughed at or pitied. But he saw a guy even less than a looker than he was, but he had beautiful young men all over him because he was a vampire.

And that was what Eddy wanted. To be a vampire. So he just got someone to turn him eventually. So how’s that working out? Well…as Eddy puts it, ‘You tell me.’ Being with the guys got Eddy in trouble. He’s where he is thanks to Laffy.

Why does Sookie have a WTF face?

It’s not every day Eric Northman graces a hole in the wall like this…

What is going on, Bill?

‘Wow, this place is even more depressing than I thought it’d be.’ *Snicker* Don’t you just love Regina and Gretchen?

Sookie wants to know what they’re doing here for, but Bill deflects. He needs to talk to Sam first. Luckily, Tara forwards his objective by being helpful.

‘Try to behave yourself.’ STOP ORDERING YOUR SHERIFF AROUND! This does not endear you to him, nor does it win you any favours. FFS. I don’t know if Bill is stupid or just that confident that the queen will stick up for him.

‘Don’t I always?’ See! Even PAM looks at him in contempt! He’s so asking for it from Eric.

Chow follows Bill into the bathroom…or he observes his last phone call. He don’t call no lawyer. Chow needs to be in the office to supervise the prisoner. He’s escort. Bill’s been ‘called away’ and needs Sam to look after and protect Sookie. We dont’ know why he’s tilting his head and seeing the wall patterns move a la That 70s Show either, Chow.

‘Don’t be too keen on the idea, Sookie hates feeling like she doesn’t have her independence.’ Didn’t Sookie say she didn’t need protecting…but at least he did look after her protection…but at the same time, he’s involving more people and endangering more people too. Of course, he can’t get anyone else to, because he doesn’t trust them. Another vampire would work…but he doesn’t want anyone else to know about the ice-nine…Bill is manipulating Sam again…and for all he knows about Sookie…he doesn’t seem to play her very well at times. He’s good at lying to her and playing to her emotions…but he doesn’t seem to understand what she needs from him.

Sam’s tired of Bill telling him who Sookie is when he’s known her longer. Bill’s only asking Sam because he’s the only person he can trust…even if he doesn’t like what Sam feels for her. Soo much male posturing. It’s sooo old. Oh yeah…he knows that Sam is the only one who can do it… *HINT* *cough*Shifter*cough*

And of course, Sam does it, but for Sookie, not Bill. Oh, look at all that booze Sam has to drink his troubles away!

Eric is here to push his product! He even brought cupons! Talk about prepared! ‘So simply present this card at the door when you get to Fangtasia. The first round is on me.’ Eric also knows how to command a room…everyone’s like ‘DON’T EAT ME!’

‘Also Thursdays are Ladies’ Night, so be sure to bring a date. That is if you can get one.’ That Pam! How to steal pretty dates away from guys. lol.

Not him. He doesn’t get one.’ So why does chump on the left not get one?

‘What gives, Braaaa?’ Err…Bro.

With his vampire speed, E frightens the patrons. What’d you do to your arm there? Bro. Hmm?’ I learned English as a Second Language at community college in the 70s and it’s better than yours!

*hides hand* GUILTY!

‘I take it your business here is done.’

‘I came to talk to Sookie.’ OOH! Tension! But that could be the nails on chalkboard mood music playing.

‘I’ll give you three minutes. We have a tribunal to get to.’ Oops, did I spill that to your precious Sookie while looking directly AT her to emphasize that Bill is lying?

Eric does not like being ordered around.

OH! The jig is up! They will talk about this outside.

‘Oh, before I go, a word of advice…’ Oops! Did you tell me not to cause trouble?

‘We know when a human has wronged us. We can smell it.’ Will the vamps ever show how they can  actually smell out the people who have wronged them? If so, when?

HAI AMY!

‘So do not make the mistake of letting that pretty blonde vampire lady on television make you feel too comfortable.’

‘We may not have retaliated…yet. But we know who you are.’ Way to ruin all of Bill’s mainstreaming work in Bon Temps and clever. You don’t fuck with Eric. You make his life difficult. He’ll make it difficult for you. He threatens the patrons in Merlotte’s mostly because Bill fucked with him. Sure, he’s not exactly the AVL poster child, but…he’s doing this to prove a point, to Bill, that he is the one in charge.

‘Have a nice night.’ LOL Eric.

Meanwhile, Bill explains that he has no choice and he has to go. This is a moment!

…With a peanut gallery. Bill has to go because he killed a vamp. Sookie asserts that he did it in defence.

Bill’s all, c’mon! If a human killed another human defending a vampire, don’t you think there would be a trial? I think that’s slightly condescending on his part…but enh.

Sookie wants to go and testify for him, but Bill snips that in the bud, she can’t be there. You can’t testify…because A. you wouldn’t be welcome and B. too many people would know about the ice-nine… OMG…her makeup is cakey and pasty too! *sigh* Annnd Sookie realizes she’s been lied to. Everything will not be okay. Bill doesn’t even know. Bill will always lie to her…he understands that Sookie doesn’t like feeling like she doesn’t have her independence, but he’ll take away her independence to make decisions about him or her life by withholding the truth from her…He doesn’t give enough credit to her. He wants to make her see only the brightest side of him. He denies his Hyde, because he knows it will make him lose her but at the same time, he’s lying to her, not presenting the truth of who he is.

‘Tick tock, Bill.’ Yeah…I’m kinda bored of this too. I’m just not invested in their relationship.

‘Just look after yourself alright?’ I don’t know what it is…but the hand grab just feels like stock acting. Bill explains he’s got Sam to look after her, but Sookie wishes he hadn’t done that. Bill reminds Sookie that there’s still someone after her, so let Sam watch over her. (Sookie is bad at following directions, but it does end up with a naked man in her bed…oops! Wait, hers and Bill’s…DOUBLE OOPS!)

‘And time.’ Eric’s had just enough of the sentimentality. You know, when you pair it with the Ode to Lame Sex…I really get it! Let’s move it along people…this relationship is expiring before our eyes.

Of course this wouldn’t be complete without a kiss! Wow, I think I need some Parmesan to go with the cheddar there.

‘If I had any feelings, I’d be having the chills right about now.’ ‘Not me.’ He SOOO will have feelings and they both have feelings. Denial vamps. Oh well. Anyways, Eric and Pam soo speak for the audience. Well, at least they speak for me lol. End the schmoop!

‘Bill. NOW.’ Thank you for killing the schmoop, Eric! He’s the original Schmoop Buster.

And now they do the let go of hands thing that is oh, so sad! Brie, Swiss, Monterrey Jack, Asagio or Gouda?

They finally leave. Interestingly enough, Eric is the last person to look at Sookie. Season 2, bitches! *hint**hint*

And then they walk off leaving Sookie like some girlfriend whose boyfriend has gone off to war, who must now wait all loyally for him to return! Did I mention I HATED Pearl Harbour? Lots of people are dying…strangely I didn’t care. But then Danny dies and she has to settle for Ben Affleck? WTF? And how do you have a movie called Pearl Harbour and focus more on a love triangle than the actual war?

Tara asks if Sookie’s okay. She’s not. No duh. Murders of her family members, having a guy die on top of her…That’s what 3 bodies since she met Bill? Tara wants to apologize, but Sookie brushes it off. I think this is supposed to foreshadow later on how she forgives shit in times of crisis when she shouldn’t. I almost died! Everything’s okay now!

‘I don’t even remember what I’m supposed to be mad at you for. So let’s just forget it okay?’ Me neither, Sookie…but yes, let’s push all of our troubles under the rug and forget about them! It’s okay for Tara too. Does their friendship still seem hollow to everyone? Sookie is trapped in her own problems, sure they’re big, but she can’t be there for Tara…meaning, their friendship comes off as incredibly shallow and it hasn’t really rectified itself since. We were just supposed to buy it, and it was never shown, so we can’t root for it…kinda like the romances on this show. It’s handled with about as much finesse as Todd Bertuzzi. It’s like someone’s holding a gun to our heads telling us to buy it. Just buy it, FFS! Bill/Sookie? Not buying. No amount of mood music and staring and THIS IS A MOMENT! signs with flashing lights is gonna make it feel less forced. Eggs/Tara? Say wha? Amy/Jason? Riiiight.

Jason explains to Eddy that he and Sookie’s parents died in a flood, further bonding with him. He grew up with his Gran, but his grandfather was already gone. Eddy expresses his sympathies for Jason because a boy needs a man growing up to teach him how to be a man….and here we learn one of the fundamentals of why Jason is the way he is. He never had a male growing up and he needs to prove he’s masculine because of it. He’s deeply afraid he’s not. You can bet that’s why he’s such a tomcat.

The hardest part of this for Eddy is that his son will be without a man. Jason tells him he’s sure it’ll be okay…after all, look at him. SOOOO not helping, Jay. You’re his worst nightmare for his son. Anyway, he’s afraid Eddy will glamour him.

Lucky for Jason, Eddy is too depleted to glamour him…and another one of Jason’s preconceived notions is blown away, Eddy can’t just ‘do it’. He never learned how.

‘Learning to be a vampire doesn’t happen over night any more than being a man does.’ You never stop learning…being a vampire doesn’t mean you just stagnate. You have to keep growing…and adapting…if you want to be successful anyway.

Eddy wants to know if Jason is gonna marry Amy, but Jason is unsure. Still, he thinks Amy could be the one. Does everyone in this story rush into relationships like an idiot!?

‘She’s not. Don’t do it! She’s a psychopath!’ ‘Fuck you, Eddy!’ ‘She is, she is far more dangerous than I could ever be.’ Ironic, but true. Jason’s none to happy to hear it. She is SUCH a psycho. And yes, a human is more dangerous than a vamp!

Not liking this turn in the conversation, he tells Eddy he’s gotta get more beer, so to keep the howling down. Poor Eddy and Jase, beer ain’t gonna help you stop thinking…You just do it.

Just like on Lost, people never TALK about their problems. Tara’s version of talking is sticking Sam back with his cash. But as Sam points out ‘That’s not talkin‘.’ Indeed.

Tara doesn’t want the money, but Sam tells her she’s keeping it and he’s making her keep it because it’s his money, so there! Sam is gonna waste 800 dollars on her that he’ll never get back! And never see the benefits of! Sam, just buy her a Chanel handbag…At least you can resell it. FFS.

Tara’s not totally sure what she has inside her…but it’s scared, pissed off, mean and fucked up. And instead of paying 800 dollars for it…you can go to therapy, or talk to your friends…or open up to people. You can’t save yourself like that…and you can’t get love with money.

Tara believes Sam thinks it’s stupid…but he lists an example of nobody knowing the existence of vamps until two years ago and now everyone having to deal with it. And he would believe in stuff like demons…because well, look at him. lol. ‘Who knows what else is out there?’ Shifters, wereanimals, fairies, britlingens. Anyway, Tara accepts the money because as Sam points out, the people of BT drink a lot.

Tara doesn’t know how she’ll ever pay Sam back…but he goes in for the kiss. Sam…you can’t buy love. *le sigh*

‘Interesting night, huh, Sook?’ ‘Maybe too interesting.’ ‘Shit. Ain’t no such thing as too interesting. Only too dull.’ Oh he will eat those words…and rue the day he ever said that lol.

OOPS!

‘You know, there is a thing as too interesting.’ Yes, because if you aren’t happy, no one else can be either. And she leaves in a huff to spite the people that care about her. Classy.

Sookie asks Amy to cover her side work for her so she can go home…And don’t worry about her, she’s going to Bill’s where she’s gonna be safe, because NO ONE would look for her there…oh no! Let’s see, if I were a serial killer after fangbangers and I KNOW the vamp you’re dating lives across the cemetery after finding that you’re not at home…where will I check next? The pharmacy? Honestly. Anyway, she gets to leave because Amy is searching for Sister Points!

Wow, Sookie, your car really is a piece of shit, I don’t know how it started.

Oh hey, looks like Sam got some loving!

He thanks Amy for her job well done and asks where everybody went. He doesn’t know she’s a psychopath. Anyways, while he was taking care of his ‘needs’ Sookie took off. Oops.

With a ‘Goddamit, Sook!’ He now runs after her. Goddammit, Sook…that’s probably the biggest theme in this show. Sookie does something she should nawt do…according to Bill and Sam anyway!

Of course, before Sam can leave, Andy Bellefleur runs INTERFERENCE! His story about growing up in a nudist colony didn’t check out. Oops!

They need to talk…but Sam forgot something in the bar. BRB! Good luck with that…This is like Saskatchewan, seeing your dog run away for three days straight because it’s so flat…

And off being an idiot…Sookie drives home with creepy mood music. I think that was a BAD IDEA. But it could just be the music.

Aww, Lassie is off to save Timmy from the well! All the while ignoring the big bufoon.

Even dogs don’t like him…or it could be transference.

Just as Sookie arrives at Bill’s house, she’s met with Dean the dog! …I guess he cut through the woods…What is he? Super Lassie? One of the Super Pets?

She asks Dean to spend the night with her…Oh Sam, this is sooo sad. He only got to first base with Sookie while he was a dog.

While changing her clothes for the night, giving Sam a free show, Sookie contemplates a name for him…And it’s like, you just called him DEAN 2 seconds ago? WTF writers? Continuity…I’ll forgive you this once because you’re awesome, Brian Buckner…but yeah…lol.

‘Are you looking away? What a gentleman!’ You have no idea…sigh.

Sookie asks Dean to hop up into bed with her because sleeping on the floor will make him prone to drafts…That’s why dogs have fur Sookie…For drafts. But of course, we must set up for the LOL moment of Sookie in bed with naked Sam.

LOL, he takes the corner farthest away from her.

Meanwhile, Jason has come back from his beer run, and he’s got True Blood! Aww!

And he even feeds it to Eddy with a straw! Aww! Jason isn’t a total DOUCHE.

Dean, you’re on her feet…

Wait a minute!

OOPS!

In honour of the ending…I have to post this…because Steven Tyler makes this song dirty. Aerosmith did a cover of “Walking the Dog” in their debut. I love them. I was sad when there was that whole drama back in November…couldn’t listen to Aero for awhile. Luckily, Steven’s still in the band.

Hope you enjoyed that. As usual, the caps came from Marishna from LJ and black-celebration.net. I’m sorry it’s a little late…but life, you know?

~simba_317


12 Responses to “Hemophobes Ruin All The Fun”

  1. […] WOOO! It’s here at last. Sorry it’s late. It just took longer than expected. Click on the picture! […]

  2. […] Nine of Season One, Plaisir d’Amour is out! Scroll down and click on Pam and Eric! …But HERE is a […]

  3. Haha, love this. I just rewatched all of season 1 since I got it for Christmas and, gah, I fell in love with Eric and Alexander Skarsgard all over again. In this episode all I could do was marvel at how long a torso Alexander has. Seriously.

  4. This was awesome! I laughed out loud at a lot of the comments you posted about Bill because it’s true. Once you go back and rewatch it you can see how Bill is broadcasting his agenda.
    Well done and I enjoyed your meta. I hope you post another one soon.

  5. AHHH! Oh, how I’ve missed your recaps Simba!! I honestly don’t know how we’re going to get through the next six months!! But thank you so much for this. And as usual, you are dead on with your comments. Happy New Year to you!!

  6. hahahhaa Love your recaps! As you said, we can watch a lot of foreshadowed situations after all the info we got from S2. You have spoiled me, and now I couldn’t watch another TB season without your recaps LOL. Don’t you dare to stay in Japan :p!!!

    Big Hugs and Happy New Year to you all!!

  7. So missed your recaps Simba, an awesome job once again.

    I recently rewatched S1 and it’s amazing how much foreshadowing and hints there are after seeing season 2.

    That look with Eric and Amy totally blew me out – it wasn’t until episode 9 of season 2 that we saw that come up again with Jason and Eric at Godric’s.

    For all the crap I give Ball and the writers when they tie things up like that I have to still love this show.

  8. Oh how I have missed these!
    And this was such a good episode to recap, yay!
    I don’t know how you can watch season 1 again. I think if I never see it again it will be too soon.

  9. Great job with the recap. It’s always a joy reading, it brings back a lot of memories…Eric memories.

    I remember the first time I saw Eric, I was instantly drawn to him and after seeing him again in this episode I was hooked!

  10. When Eric looked at Amy I was screaming “kill her! kill that bitch!”
    I hated Amy.
    Thank you for the recap. I’s smart and funny and deep as always.

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