2 Big, 2 Bad, 2 Awesome

So as we left off…there are more shenanigans behind the Dallas Hair Wars than there is at a toddler beauty pageant…Maryann is the Crazed Avenger of Bad Hair about to kill Sam…but first…

Andy is forced to take a mud mask. Hey, you should look pretty before you die.

Tara licks a dog. You can love your pets…but don’t love your pets, jeez. Unfortunately for Sam, the only time Tara has an interest in him, is under the influence of hair follicle control from Maryann.

Poor Sam, the only time he gets chicks is when he’s being used. Sucks to be him! Maybe he needs a new hair cut…

So how does Maryann control her minions through their hair follicles? By vibrating like a dildo.

I really think that’s enough Maryann, enough with the vibrating and more hair avenging! Cue gunshot!

Take that you backstabbing bitch! BTW, you could use a deep condition! And your hair is looking dried and fried!

MARYANN: Come to me, Sammy…I want your cute butt and uncultivated locks. Oh and who gives a fuck about PETA? Collie fur coats are IN this season. I mean, sure it’s Louisiana, but I’m a slave to fashion.

SAM: Me not want!

Oh look, owl. I think someone’s gonna die before the end of this parody…

Hours without Bill? 12. Hours of hair improvement? 2. That’s correct, you have to be away from Bill for 10 hours before it can heal from damage. Save your hair…stay away from Bill.

Oh hey! I found a board game! Wow there’s an awful lot of boxes in here…but you know…I don’t think there’s anything useful in them!

Hi, just FYI…I’m a big fat claustrophobe. Where’s the schmoop I need to lift me up!?I run on schmoop. I love schmoop. Schmoop makes the world go around! …Okay, okay…my name is Hugo and I’m a schmoopaholic!

*Does impression of a seagull* Beel. Beel. Beel. Beel. Beel. Let’s call her Weena.

Suuukkkeh! Suuuukkkeh!

Oh Silly, Silly Billdo. I still haven’t removed that dildo out of your ass.

Plus, we need to perform a hair rinse to get rid of the smell of second hand peroxide.

Suuuukeh! Suuukeh! Suuuukeh! Suuukeh! Suuuukeh-mon, I SOOO did not choose you.

Why do I find such patheticness cute? Why, God? Why!

…Because you were always Suuuuukeh-mon!

Hey, Bill! Let’s sing Vampires Just Wanna Have Fun!

I don’t think so…and I most certainly do not dance! It’s Satanic…that’s what it is! …And I couldn’t get my hair into that flippy thing!

You are such a wet blanket. The kids in Footloose won!

I HATE YOU! All I ever wanted was to grow out my hair and become Jesus…but you denied me that!

Suuuukeh! Suuuuukeh! Suuuukeh!

Wow…I can’t believe you’re in love with someone who’s one salon visit away from her hair falling out in chunks.

ERIC: Why did I send in the frail with the brain-cell leeching, peroxide’d hair?

ISABEL: *gigglesnort* Everyone knows you have a thing for the dumb blonde.

No…I don’t like people with leeched out brain cells… Shit.

So…like…holy sex isn’t what I thought it’d be…and I don’t think my hair will be awesome just by the light of God…And that kinda sucks…because that would’ve been like…really awesome.

STAN: You know what? You’re an idiot. We should be unleashing some Vampire Kickass. Instead, you’re moping around with Miss Inaction here while the FoTS got your maker and your telepath! …BTW, you’re not gonna win the Dallas Hair Wars! *blows raspberry*

ERIC: Okay…so I banked my life on winning the Dallas Hair Wars.

I’m tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.

Insult me again, and I’ll use your remains as hair gel.

Beel, Beel, Beel!

Well, lookie here! If it ain’t vampire bait!

Beel, Beel, Beel! You’ll all die by Beel, Beel, Beel!

Aww…the peroxide has leeched into your brain. It’s melting into nonsensical psychobabble.

Hi, I’m Hugo Ayres. And I’m a schmoopaholic. Currently jonesing. Majorly. She’s Sookie “Schmoopy” Stackhouse from Bon Temps. Oh yeah. I’m a claustraphobe, get me outta here!

Looks like it’s time for me and Lurch to break some heads. Dumb blond heads.

Beel! Beel! Beel!

WAIT! Psychic Friends Network, this is Sookie! I’d like to report an emergency! It only took a couple more hours for her hair to defry to figure it out…

STFU Suuuukeh-mon!

Hi there, little boy, wanna learn how to make your hair awesome just by God’s holy light?

Gimme the answers! I wonder why they never did that on Lost

What’s a soul…when you can have fabulous hair? …And avenge horrible hair?

Beel, Beel, Beel!

Looks like Hugo needed something stronger than schmoop. What’s that? Good hair.

You and your sister are a pair of brain cell leeched idiots! You’re beyond hair awesome!


Hai, BB. You want to know fabulous? Lemme tell you about my boy, Swexy Ass.

Tara…my follicles have been talking to me! …I think it induced a blackout where I took advantage of Terry’s hair!

Why is this sounding strangely familiar?

Run, Rocky, run!

I was going to give you all the secrets to having awesome hair just by the holy light of God! Down with Team Vampire!

Oh Daphne…you should know by now that animals should not get wet…

You look horrible.

And I am the Hair Avenger.

Ouch. That’s cold.

Goodbye, Bambi, Thumper will join you shortly.

Beel, Beel, Beel!

Suuukeh, Suuukeh, Suuuukeh!

I don’t think so, Suuuuukeh-mon!

Because you denied me the chance to grow out my hair and become Jesus…I am left with no choice!


Fine, you may go out in the world…but you’ll always have a dildo up your ass.

Psychic Friends Network, may I speak to Bill Compton.

Sorry, he’s a little tied up right now. Would you like to leave a message?

I received an SOS call of morse code, in Beel, Beel, Beels. After some deciphering, I have learned that you have a certain brain cell leeched blonde in the basement of a FOTS church.

And it’s The Flash! Off to be a hero!

Beel! Beel! Beel!

God, will you please STFU. I hate sea gulls.

But I hate hairless dingbats who become the enforcers for Dallas Hair Wars competitors to live vicariously through their hair experiences even more. Let that be a lesson to you.

Cut back on bleach…okay.


It’s too powerful to be a Bill whoosh. Duh.

*Puts fingers on temples* To me, my Eric! We will bring the noise! The competition will go down! *Click*

…Or at least that’s what Eric wanted to find when he finally found his daddy…

ERIC: EEP! Daddy! What happened to you? What did they do to you?

I’m sorry, Eric, but I can’t do this anymore. I’ve removed us from the competition.

What? But you promised! They’ve already started the competition upstairs! I got highlights! Think about Pam! Pammy!

Things have changed son. Leave me. Take the follically challenged human with you and don’t harm anyone on the way out.

Very well…Sigh.

Ohmigawd! I’m alive! My hair has become awesome just by God’s holy light just like Steve!

Paintballs, you idiot! I thought you were here because you wanted to have awesome hair just by God’s holy light! But I was wrong! You’re just here to ensure that the Compton party wins the Dallas Hair Wars! How could you help a fanger win!?

YOU DOUCHE! I hope you and your sister burn in H-E-D0uble Hockey Sticks!

Yeah well, I’m the only one who can call my sister a stupid fangbanging slut, thank you very much!

*Gasp* What’s this? The Dallas Hair Wars has been hijacked by the FOTS! They’ve started it ahead of schedule and haven’t sent the vampires notice!

Dammit, check in ended an hour ago and my hair looks fuckawesome…*Sigh* …The exit is that way.

Beel, Beel, Beel?

Shut up, Beelgull. I’ll have you know that if this were your precious Bill, he would have hijacked all the mouse and set fire to all the hairspray, creating such an inferno, all the men, women and children in this competition would die a fiery death.

So why aren’t you enacting your homicidal tendencies?

A pesky phrase that starts with ‘as your maker’ and ends with ‘I command you.’ So please keep the squawking to a minimum.

ERIC: Hi gang! I’ve been sent by Steve to relive you all! GANG 1: You’re big and all…but there’s no way you can take on all those fangers! Where’s your 2-in-1 Stake and Hairspray?

Oh dang, I left it in my manpurse at home. Can I borrow yours?

Eww, that’s like sharing lip gloss. Eww.


Oh please. I know kung fu!

Time to bust this joint!

Stop in the name of awesome hair! No fanger is winning this competition. I don’t know how you got in, but you’re not going out!

But we were just going to take a free shampoo sample and leave…

Do you take me for an idiot? Hair spray fumes might be bad for you, but I assure you I have all my brain cells!

We need to make an example of vampires!

Godric got away and his enforcements will have great hair…and teeth. I know…I’ve seen Pam.

Sookie…if you look to the right, you will find a vampire that’s about a foot taller than Godric with good hair and teeth. They want more bang for their buck.

SOOKIE: But you’re too pretty to die! ERIC: I appreciate the sentiment…but my maker doesn’t want to enter the Hair Competition…What does my life mean?

You look yummy…like a His and Hers Lobster dinner!

Suuuukeh, Suuuuukeh, Suuuuukeh!

God, do you come with a gag? Better yet, can I graft one to your face?

If you won’t eat, I will!

Dear God…how much hair spray did you inhale in the lobby…

You know what I do for fun? I watch the WWE!

Bow chika wow wow!

There was to be no intercourse until after marriage! Just get her back to Bon Temps! Before I crushed a 52-inch plasma screen, it informed me that the Dallas Hair Wars have been hijacked!


So you’ve mastered having your hair awesome just by the light of God? Wow…what can I do to achieve that…Wait…is that a paintball gun?

Of fuckawesome? Yeah.

Because after answering a phone call with nothing but heavy mouth breathing from you bar…

You go to your bar into your walk-in refrigerator…And find a dead body…a victim of the Hair Wars and KAMEHAMEHA! So what do you do?

You attempt to bag and bury because that’s not suspicious…At all.

Coeur de Daphne. Soul Food for Follicle Control!

Now I don’t know about you…but doesn’t this make you laugh like watching The Simpsons? Burn fucker, burn! We should light that gelled hair of yours first…

Suuuuuuukeh! Well, that’s effective Suuuukeh-mon.

Oh right. Billda powers.

Your hair is fucking awful, what do these idiots see in you?

So what if her hair is gonna fall off the next time she visits the salon! NO ONE POINTS A GUN AT MY SISTER!

Suuuuuukeh! What are you doing? We must leave! He’s from another team!

Looks like Eric has a score to settle.



Yeah, well! JUST WATCH ME!

Oh! oiweurowihiiii! Never mind!

STOP in the name of love, before you break my heart!

When I was young…I wanted to win the Dallas Hair Wars, but it has been perverted. No longer is it fun, people are dying! Lives are lost! Children without parents! What is this!? I’ll tell you what it is! You’ve entered the mappo period of Buddhist thought. …And it’s just hair! For fuck’s sake! It’s dead already!

Good people, I don’t know about you, but this is utterly ridiculous. This man is an idiot. If you believe his hair stands up like a wind tunnel because of God’s holy light, you have issues.

Let’s all just go home!

Oh look, the pie bleeds of souls lost!

Yes, Greta, eat the bleeding pie…

Bill, where were you in my time of hair trauma!? Eric had to save me! Eric!

Aww, I’m always on your mind? How sweet.

Just when things were looking good for the bow chika wow wow…

We find out exactly what happens when vampires regenerate…Ooops.

Suuuukeh is mahn! The Dallas Hair Wars may have been jijacked, but my hair is still better than yours.

Are you picking a fight? It’s very cute. I’ll have you know that the preliminary polls and betting pools beg to differ. Bye now.

You know, Izzy…you’ve always had such great taste in hair, but you haven’t balanced that with your taste in men…Tbh, it sucks. But I’m feeling all peace and reconciliation’y…So we’ll send Hugo off to the fashion horror of Mexico…Guadalajara poncho, anyone?

Poor Sam, he’s gotto do time!

ERIC: Hey dad, I got you dinner! ABneg! GODRIC: Oh, son, I’m just not hungry.

What? First you don’t wanna do the Dallas Hair Wars and now you don’t wanna eat?!

Eric, I love you…I’ve just lost interest in the hair spray and the gel and the primping and the tinting…Let’s face it, it’s kinda pathetic. I converted to Buddhism, cut my hair and vowed to live a frugal, sedentary life.

O.o Where did I go wrong, daddy!

Hello…I’m Lorena. FYI, Bill is mine. I’m his maker…You’re a bitchwhore with reaaaallly fucking bad hair. Like crazy meth addict bad… Oh and it isn’t pathetic that I styled my hair into a Pshaw Poodle in order to appeal to Bill’s horrible taste so he’ll want me back, is it?

You are the most vile and pathetic creature on this planet and I laugh at just how pathetic your hair is. It’s worse than mine…and that’s saying something. Bitch, btw, Bill is mine!


Lorena, please leave. I have a no pathetic policy. That and the Bad Hair policy hasn’t been revoked yet. Leave, just leave.

Why am I so pathetic!? I hate this!!!

You’re not as pathetic as X-Tina…That and you can go hire a stylist. See ya in another life, brothah.

May I have your attention please?

My name is Luke McDonald. There will be no fangers at the Dallas Hair Wars. EVER.

SUICIDE BOMBER! OBVIOUS ALERT! Could this be a parallel to contemporary events?

Hey idiot, while you’ve been away, I’ve been stealing your girlfriend!

So much needless death, the loss of hair products…I can’t do this anymore!

I ruined my hair to save you…and now I’m gonna die…Save me!

Fine, don’t tell Bill or anyone else…but this is only because you’re cute.

It’s good to be me…

Hey, hope you don’t mind, I got even further with your girlfriend.

SOOKIE: I don’t get it! My hair still looks good! His doesn’t!

He’s dying, I’m saving his life, douche.

You’re the douche! Eric was in no danger!

I’m a vampire, baby.

He’s just so damn cute! How could he be evil!

I don’t know how to tell you Sookie…but I’ll just say it.

Eric is the Antichrist. He drinks the blood of babies to achieve that incredible hair! He’ll eat your soul and spit it out! He’s a sex fiend, a maniac! There’s no puppies, kittens or rainbows around him! He destroys all the good in the world! He’s…he’s EVIL! Stay away from him Sookie, if you want to be good. His blood is in you! He’ll be able to find you and kill you and drain you dry!!! …and you’ll also like him…uh…in that way.

Well, you don’t have to worry about that…I can’t stand him. At all. …He just makes my lady parts tingle. Kinda.

Hoyt and Jessica, true love forever!!!!

Crazy is not crazy. Embrace the crazy! Bloody Mary anyone?

Oh Arlene, most people think you’re a crazy bitch with the fakest red hair ever…but I’m a PTSD’ing Iraq vet…and you like me…so I like you.

Most symbolic REM cycle ever…

SOOKIE: Eric, what’s going on? Is this a dream? My hair actually looks good. And natural!

ERIC: Of course, you’re with me, sweetie. Of course your hair looks better.

ERIC: What do you say? You, me, fabulous hair, undead, sexy, ruling the world?

I dunno, Eric…I kinda like having my tan.

We’ll take you to a proper spa, not one of those video and tanning bed places and get you a proper spray tan.

You just think of everything.

I know it takes work to be fabulous. I’ve done 1000 years of research in the field. I guess you could call me an expert.

You’d be a great vampire and I’d be more than willing to help you…in any way possible. I mean…you need a little work appearance wise, but temperament wise, baby, you’ve got it.

SOOKIE: Aww Eric, you know…I used to pretend I thought you were gross, but you know…you made my lady parts tingle and you’re the bee’s knees.

ERIC: Aww, you’re too sweet. Two for taking over the world with sexy hair?


And now we learn that nice hair only happens in dream sequences for this girl…Why does it look bad again?

Duh…vicinity…He’s a parasite, draining all the good hair away…

Hi, Sheriff Dearborn…Look, I’m having this big party complete with human sacrifice this weekend and there’s just no way I can do it without Sam…You mind springing him? I’ll throw in free booze…

Hmm…Free booze huh?


I can’t believe this! Who shuns the honour of human sacrifice?

I don’t get it! I have nice hair even though I’m around Bill! Why, God, why!

Okay…I don’t know what you hos are doing, but it sure as hell ain’t normal, legal or cool…and that’s a lot, coming from me.

But Lafayette….don’t you want to be my fabulous minion? I already have Mouthy and Lurch. I need Fabulous.

Oh hells to the no! I come here for Mouthy only!

Okay…so everything I do is because I could never achieve fabulous hair…but you all created a PR mess I have to clean! the AVL does not approve!

Stan did it. And he’s dead. Problem solved!

So like…is it bad to have lady part tingly thoughts about another guy when your bf is sitting beside you? I mean…he’s just soo hot.

Yes, but I like bad girls…and bad girls pretending to be good girls.

Back on topic! This bun is pulling my forehead. I want accountability and bodies. Now. Why the hell were you at the FOTS, Godric?

I wanted to live amongst them, show them our ways…that we’re good and all that. PR campaign. I even cut my hair so they wouldn’t be intimidated…Well, that was a product of my conversion to Buddhism…but you know?

That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! Because of you…the good PR we would have had, had we won the Dallas Hair Wars is KAPUT! FFS, they wanted you to meet the sun and you were willing?

What do you think?

*dies a little inside*

Poor Eric!

Sacrifice. Party. 8’o clock. Be there.

Poor guy, his maker wants to kill himself…It looks like his whole reason for life will be gone…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Not the baby drinking Antichrist!

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry I’m blue. I’m sorry ’bout all the things I said to you and I know…I can’t take it back…


Okay…well, we’ll be leaving now.

ERIC: We need to talk. GODRIC: Meet me on the sunroof, err roof.


BILL: Eric, we need to talk. ERIC: Just go away. I’m moping here.


You know…even when I’m totally upset…I’ve got something to say to you. You’re an idiot. And a coward. Whatever happened happened and no sucker punches are gonna change that. I’m a part of her now. You’d best get out of the way. See ya. My dad didn’t call it a sunroof for nothing.

I’m going up there…He’s hurting…Godric. Yes, GODRIC.

This has nothing to do with us…but I guess…And you’re just being nice to Godric anyway.

For Godric, totally.

It’s been two thousand years of primping, hair cuts, hair dye, styling…

I can’t do this anymore! There’s got to be more to life than this ridiculousness right?

If there is, then why are you just going?

Because there’s nothing for me here anymore.

What about me?

There comes  a time when every bird has to leave the nest, Eric. You’re over 1000 years old, FFS! You’re not a 1000-year old virgin…but sheesh. I want my basement back!

But I don’t wanna…

You never needed me to win any hair competition, Eric. You’re awesome on your own.

What is this tingling in my heart?

GODRIC: Let me go. ERIC: I won’t let you die alone! GODRIC: Yes you will. As your maker, I command you.

It’s okay, Eric. I’ll stay with him until the last strand of hair is gone. As long as it takes.

So you’ll care for Eric? When I’m gone?

I’m not sure…you know how he is.

Aww, you’re funny. You will.

But I’m with Bill!

Suuuure you are…There will come a time when you choose your own hair over him. Because you’ll have to, trust me.

Well…time for me to be off!

RIP Godric!


So Godric is gone. Look, I know this is really emo and all, but at least my hair isn’t in that floppy thing, right?

I’m so sorry, Eric and no…it’s not totally emo.

It’s just a little emo?

It’s okay…you can be emo this once. It’s really sweet and touching…I feel tingly in my heart…

Comfort me?


I don’t know why…but despite your emo display, Eric Northman, I accept you!

But…but…he’s the Antichrist!

I love Bill. I love Bill. I love Bill…

Eric and that amazing hair…SHIT.

WTF? We landed in Zombie Town!

Well, this dinner party is certainly coming along, guys!


Oh, Arlene, you need help? Sure. Because you trust the zombie chick who tried to kill you…

Something is very wrong here…I don’t know what?

Oh, you mean Stale Strawberry Tart Cupcake…

But she annihilates Skull Bitches with fervour!

Time to split into teams! A-Team rescues Tara. B-Team goes to Merlotte’s…the hellmouth apparently. and C-Team babysits! C-Team sucks! It’s okay…Wolverine is on all three. Objective? Recon on the Hair Avenger.

Shh…I can smell a lot of people around with too much hairspray…but I can’t hear them.

And because this is Thriller! It’s time for Zombies to attack! The Hair Avenger want Sam and has sent minions!


The only safe place left is the walk-in refrigerator where I found my ex-girlfriend’s body!

Just wait for my head to turn 360 degrees and the projectile vomit bitches!

Oh eww…it’s in my eye!

Auuioshufhhhhh Don’t like Jesus!

Yeah, well…Jesus is my homeboy. I’m just more fabulous.

What do you do when there is a Satanic meatpole outside your house and your property has been turned inside out? Inspect your property! DUH!

I don’t think you should be in here. I did not invite you into the Hair Avenger’s Headquarters.

THE HOUSE IS MINE! Hair dye affects vocabulary.

No…it’s Hair Avenger’s HQ.

And I’ve had enough of your horrible hair! TIME TO DIE!!!

Soooo…should not have eaten that…It’s the fumes of old hairspray!

Hello, precious. I’m hungry.

Well…Prepare for Face Wash!

I feel all tingly inside!

JASON: Get out or I’ll nail her! ARLENE: But I’ve always wanted to be in a movie about a class action lawsuit!

So I think we better call Eric…

I may be vomiting petroleum, but I will not call Eric until this vomit is as radioactive as Chernobyl!

Now give me your wrist, bitch!

Okay, so now that I’ve roundezvous’d with you guys…Let’s bust out of this joint!

Actually, I think it’s time you respected the Zombie.

I’ll sacrifice myself then…no one else has to die for this crazy! It’s only hair!

You’re working for the Antichrist! …Err…I mean Eric!

Well, he’s one sexy bitch.

OMG! Tara’s mind has turned into a Black Hole by the Hair Avenger…maybe if we combine our powers we can turn her back!

She will avenge you all! DOWN WITH FAKE HAIR!

Oh look, Jesus imagery…Sam will be sacrificed.

But wait!

OOOH! Pretty!

I am the Hair Avenger II. The first one died in some mysterious circumstance that will be retconned later on…but in the meantime, I’m assuming her position. Give me the sacrifice so we may have one more year of good hair.

Smite me, Hair Avenger 2…Smite me!



Let’s party! BBQ at my place! It’s BYO Hair Care Products!

I need a drink.

And back! Cue Hallmark card: I’m sorry I was jealous you could complete my life’s dream and go to the Dallas Hair Wars and I couldn’t!

I know who this Hair Avenger is…but I must leave for more knowledge!


I don’t care that you’re stale. You’re still a Strawberry Tart Cupcake…And I haven’t eaten for two days.

So while everything is going to shit in BT…Bill goes to a fancy schmancy mansion…what could possibly help anyone there?

Bill interrupts the queen at feeding. Apparently the only thing that gives you good hair is a blood diet. A REAL blood diet.

HOYT: You have good hair and you’re sweet…but that was just a mask to your ugly, vicious mom draining insides! Monster! I’m leaving!

It’s a rough patch…

I hate snobs…especially snobs that have no business being snobs…like YOU, Bill Compton! What are you doing here anyway?

The Hair Avenger has appeared…how do I stop it?

The Hair Avenger in Bon Temps? I say good riddance. That place needs a good culling. Survival of the best hair, that’s the way I see it.

So how does this thing come into existence anyway…

Weren’t you listening? I just explained! Hair follicles…it’s all about hair follicles.

BILL: Yes, well, it’s time for me to go back. SOPHIE-ANNE: Look, I like you taking your mission seriously, especially with a hair reject like that…but FFS, this is Yahtzee!

BOK! BOK! BOK! One word: NO.

Feed us! We are victims the Hair Avenger left in her wake! …Could you also fix our hair…we don’t wanna die! We’re too young to die!

You can babysit while we go hunt down the Avenger!

OOOH! BURN! Relegated to text…BF is hiding something…

Look Sam, we need to do something and we need someone older and with better hair. A Vampire would know what to do!

Yeah…and then I had the most intense, best sex dreams ever…Eric’s…yeah…That hair….*sigh*

I wouldn’t know…

Okay bitches, this is a jail break!

SOOKIE: What is it, Lafayette? Her horrible hair?


Goodbye, Sweetheart.

I wish she would do anything for love, but that!

Lettie Mae, your hair is awesome! LETTIE MAE: Oh really?


Welcome home, baby.

There is a lesson in this for you imbeciles! NEVER TRUST A MAN WITH HIS HAIR COVERED! God, do I have to do everything by myself?

Magic hair pills…take them while we infiltrate the house!

I don’t know why you expect me to help you. My Maker just died because of how ridiculous the whole hair thing is…and frankly, I’m wiping my hands clean of it all.

But Eric…the children! Bon Temps! The people…

Pretty much all deserve to die…

Their hair is just THAT horrible. For example, Sookie Stackhouse the day after…Atrocious. Put it out of its misery!

But…if we don’t do our hair together, we’ll do it alone…and we’ll all look like Sookie. Or even worse…Bill.

ERIC: Romulans everywhere are cringing…Fine. I watched Star Trek in the 60s. I’ll do it for Vulcan, Alberta. I know a person…


Yeah well…I haven’t eaten since Godric died…

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Would you stop playing with your food. Are you or aren’t you?

I suppose we could cook them a bit…

Goodnight, Tiny Humans.

Want a gift? I’ll bet it’ll regrow like my hair!

You can consider this your punishment for the awful hair.

Alright, fine…No more Yahtzee for you!

The Hair Avenger wants what all disenfranchised super heroes want…Acceptance. She didn’t always use to avenge bad hair. She used to have bad hair herself and a follicular problem. Some cow made fun of her a thousand years ago and she’s never let it go…because she was in love with him. That’s Greek tragedy for you.

Now I’d hate to kick you out and interrupt you talking to Sookie’s cousin…but it appears that someone with better hair is visiting me. Eric Northman in fact…so shoo.

Believe me when I say…I’m getting the hell out of this joint!

BILL: I wasn’t aware there was a fashion show going on out here. *giggle snort*

Oh, Billy, it’s not my fault designer fashion has rejected you.

Tell me, has Sookie considered joining my team? Our hair benefits are unparalleled…and she kinda needs it badly.


I do believe I smell a rat…

ERIC: I’ll catch you next season to give you time to go under the knife to look really, really, ridiculously good looking. You need it!

BILL: That’s what you think, Eric! I’m picking up hero points! Beat that!

Having finally made her way out of Bad Hair Purgatory…Sookie makes her way upstairs…

What should she find there but the world’s biggest hair ball and an egg in the middle?

It’s made up of the fake hair of all her victims she’s avenged…

Looks like Sookie’s next!

Laffy tells her to strip and Sookie does an impression of Emma Frost. I’m guessing that’s what she needs to do to distract people from her bad hair…because let’s face it…no one was looking at Emma’s hair.

Aren’t you beautiful!? You’re all ready for my annual culling of bad hair…because you know…you have to let someone look nice once before they die.

If you’re gonna kill someone…you gotta have fun!

So that gel you use…What is it exactly? I heard Godric gave it to you.

This is the last bottle.

Too bad for me then!

Sorry to hear about Godric btw, that totally blows.

Not that you care or anything…

Oh and the Hair Avenger in Renard Perish? Don’t get involved. You’ll only lose your hair…and I need a person I can count on with good hair. It’s her annual culling. I say we let her do our dirty work and cull the ugly people.

They are really ugly.

And you can play more Yahtzee with me!

Joy of joys!

Zombie Killers…Part II! It’s like fucking Bad Boys 2, I tell you!

Or not…

There’s only one way to save all the unfortunate souls with bad hair, Sam…

And this is it!

In a short time…all the misery of this world inflicted by horrible hair shall be over and until this world is culled of the horrendous hairstyles…I will not rest until they are no more! Amen!


But I don’t wanna die…and my hair’s not that bad…

Lose the delusion, moron! You won the fucking Bloodie Award!


Prepare to be culled!

OHMIGAWD! You actually loved me? Despite the bad hair?

No, your hair was utterly wretched!

But who will avenge!?

I get the hero points and Eric doesn’t? Sweet!

And now everything is back to normal! Arlene’s atomic hair is still marginally better than Sookie’s.

Mean Wannabe Girl 1 So what happened to the Dallas Hair Wars anyway? Can you say ‘DRA-MA’? It’s better than a soap opera and Kate Gossalin!

SAM: It’s been put on hold. They don’t know if it will be cancelled forever…or just held indefinitely.

Mean Wannabe Girl 2: But I sooo wanted that one vamp to win…Edward? Was that his name?

Mean Wannabe Girl 2 No, he got disqualified before preliminaries for putting himself down as a vampire.

Sookie gets a present that will only put her back in the running for worst hair…Wash Out 101, people!

Tell me what the Hair Avenger did to me…

ZOMG! aka. Zombie Ohmigawd! I’m the Psycho Killer! Qu’est-ce que c’est?

It’s time for NIGHT OF THE KARMAS!

Shunning your son gets you wrinkly, cancerous and hairless.

Shunning your girlfriend, despite of her good hair gets murders!

Shunning a girl’s childhood crush means major kink in da hair for the future….

And counting hero points before they hatch gets you abducted…with bad hair.

So, Sookie, marry me.


Look at it this way…who else will marry you for your awful hair…

But I don’t have bad hair when I’m not around you!!!!

But who else will ever marry me?



Is this good or bad?

Well…hope you enjoyed!

Caps from Marishna, Jenni-Lou and myself. Gifs from Bluebear.



9 Responses to “2 Big, 2 Bad, 2 Awesome”

  1. […] CLICK ON THE PICTURE! […]

  2. That was f*cking amazing!
    Tried to keep track of my fav bits but there where too many he’he’s to count and several very loud HA’s. (husband wakey, no happy)
    “Suuuukeh! Beel!” drama always makes me laugh.
    (“STFU. I hate sea gulls”)
    And I probably would have liked Maryann a lot more if I’d thought of her as a “vibrating dildo”…..
    Thanks so much you gals are bloody funny.

  3. *wild applause* Bows to the awesomeness that is you!! That was even better than Part 1!!!

    *Oh, Billy, it’s not my fault designer fashion has rejected you.*


    You rock it, Simba!! Thanks for sharing this!!

  4. That was f*cking amazing!Tried to keep track of my fav bits but there where too many he’he’s to count and several very loud HA’s. (husband wakey, no happy)“Suuuukeh! Beel!” drama always makes me laugh.(“STFU. I hate sea gulls”)And I probably would have liked Maryann a lot more if I’d thought of her as a “vibrating dildo”…..Thanks so much you gals are bloody funny.

  5. I absolutelly love it!

  6. loved it LOL

  7. Hours without Bill? 12. Hours of hair improvement? 2. That’s correct, you have to be away from Bill for 10 hours before it can heal from damage. Save your hair…stay away from Bill.


    • STFU Suuuukeh-mon!

      Fine, you may go out in the world…but you’ll always have a dildo up your ass.

      I received an SOS call of morse code, in Beel, Beel, Beels. After some deciphering, I have learned that you have a certain brain cell leeched blonde in the basement of a FOTS church.

      God, will you please STFU. I hate sea gulls.

      Oh right. Billda powers.
      O.M.G.HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!! I had to stop reading for a moment because I almost peed myself when I saw Bill/Yoda RFLMAO!!!!!!!!

      hahahahhaa Thanks for this, I really needed to laugh as I did reading it. Love you girl, hope you’ll have a lot of fun there!!

  8. ha ha Yoda Bill and the sea gull thing and zoolander references!!!! This was AWESOME!!! I loled through the whole thing. Bloody Brilliant!

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