Bigger, Badder, Awesomer

Eric’s Hair Evolution 2: Bigger in Dallas! Volume I

We open upon Sookie Stackhouse…A MURDER HAS OCCURED!

Miss Jeanette’s heart has been kamehameha’d out of her chest! And OMFG!

HER WIG HAS BEEN STOLEN!

It’s soo horrible! But why!?

SAM: It’s the whole hair competition in Dallas…You know how it’s been, with all that violence mounting up. People…they don’t want contestants entering with fake hair…wigs…and such.

Why would they violate someone like that! Kill them and take their wig! It’s all wrong! They’ll go after all of us soon! OMG!

SOOKIE: It’s okay, Tara. Your hair is better than Miss Jeanette’s. Everything will be fine!

SAM: Pfft. Weave…and PEROXIDE.

As you know…Sookie and I are entering the Couples Competition…but because you’re such a lovely edition to the family…we’re entering the Family Competition at the Dallas Hair Wars. A few hot rollers and you’ll look like a Mormon, or a Hutterite…or one of the Amish and fit right in with us and the whole theme I’ve got going on. Understand?

NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL!

Faaaahne. As your maker, I command you.

KILL ME. Finally kill me. Btw, I HATE YOU.

ANDY: It has come to our attention that you have a weave! Is this allegation true or false!?

Uhh…I think I refuse to tell you anything?

BUD: In that case, Andy, we’ll have to disqualify her.

ANDY: HELL YEAH! We don’t need no cheaters in this here competition!

LETTIE MAE: Say, what!? I demand a jury!

LETTIE MAE: You just can’t discriminate against weaves! I’ve been preparing Tara for this competition her entire life! I’ve been a terrible mother…but you don’t know what it takes to win the Dallas Hair Wars! YOU DON”T!

KENYA: Rules are rules…and if I can’t compete…neither can anyone else with a weave.

TARA: I got all these cornrows for nothing….

I think I need a drink…

LETTIE MAE: You know what, Tara?

I HATE YOU! No daughter of mine gets disqualified from the Dallas Hair Wars! You are officially disowned!

Sookie, my little bi-polar bear, we’ll finally we able to realize my lifelong dream…

SOOKIE: What’s that, Bill?

BILL: Enter the Family Competition at the Dallas Hair Wars. It’s something I’ll be able to beat Eric at! I know it!

Hi, I’m Maryann Forrester and I accept people regardless of their weaves. Tara is an awesome person and you’d realize that if you weren’t such an insipid pageant mom hellbent on winning at the Dallas Hair Wars. You suck.

Come, Tara, I’m taking you away to where you can smoke joints and engage in sexual acts with strangers for my own personal enjoyment. By the way, bitch, your weave sucks.

SOOKIE: So while you’ve been away, you’ve been killing little girls and turning them into vampires just so you could win the Family Competition at the Dallas Hair Wars?

I don’t even want to do this…

Shut up, I’m not talking to you!

But Sookie…don’t you see, this way we can win twice as many competitions as Eric and beat him! Besides, you’ll get more mileage out of that last salon visit…and we can double our winnings of hair care products. You’re looking a little fried, honey bunch.

No…no, I’m not! This is my natural hair colour!

Uhhh….

Oh and I don’t associate with liars! Sookie out!

STEVE: NO way in He- err…H-E-double-hockey-sticks a vampire is winning the Dallas Hair Wars.

NAN: Wait until you see who I’ve given salon privileges, puny human.

FAN: So like…what is it that makes your hair so fabulous.

STEVE: The holy light of God!

Can I have awesome hair like you, Steve?

STEVE: Of course, and I do believe we have a position for you in our Junior Hair Squad…you know…for training as you build yourself up from in need of an ANTM style hair makeover.

Meanwhile in LaLa Land, Maryann fattens up Hansel and Gretel as her Power Bars for her nefarious purposes…More on that later, true believers!

Meanwhile, in a Whiskey Tango town like Bon Temps, Sam gets a job applicant with suspiciously good hair…Hmmm…

ROYCE: Y…Ya think this has something to do with the Hair Wars? I mean…I never thought the fucking fashion police existed!

But…I’m waaay to fabulous for the fashion police…That so ain’t what’s going on, hooka!

Meanwhile in Bon Temps…it seems that the Dallas Hair Wars has had an effect on the local populace. Bleached blonde ho’s in wigs are getting turned down. It’s just gotten that much harder to be easy…

Sam attempts to bribe himself out of LaLa Land…but I don’t think it will be that easy…

Suuukeh, who else will love you for your horrendously fried fake blonde hair?

*gasp* No one…

Cue magic erase!

Cue up the dramatic music! *Click me* Eric enters proving that he has taken the Dallas Hair Wars seriously…complete with hair foil and a personal colourist!

ERIC: Hi, I’m Eric. I’m favoured to win the Dallas Hair Wars. Due to your socioeconomic background, my associates and I have deemed you appropriate to best represent the views and opinions of the judges of the Dallas Hair Wars. You will me what you think of my new coif when Pam completes her job.

I AIN’T HELPING NO VAMPIRE!

ERIC OWWIE!

ERIC ANGRY!

ERIC HUNGRY!

LAFFY SCARED!

Well, my fabulous friend, I guess the White Trash opinion is out…Tell me what the Fabulous one is.

Uh…

Wait! Do I have blood in my hair?

I do? Damn. Pam’s gonna kill me.

PAM: I am SOOOO killing!

PAM: Like, WTF dad! Do you know how long it took to get this colour! I’m going to have to take off even more than I had planned before and it will hurt our chances to win the Family Competition and you promised we would win this year! How could you!?

ERIC: It’s not MY fault…it was the White Trash I took out. You saw it. Defend me!

Uhh…

Okay…so here’s the deal. My child, my maker and I are planning to enter the Family Competition of the Dallas Hair Wars…only, he’s kinda gone AWOL . I know all about your down and dirty operations. Tell me what you know about the situation based off that.

White Trash being eaten…White Trash being eaten…

I guess it’s time for you to ride the merry-go-round again…

That is a horrible euphemism.

Bored now…

I could be your fabulous mascot!

Hmm…Thinking…thinking…

BRIG!

But I’m too fabulous!!!!

JASON: So you’ve trained all your life to attain fabulous hair just by God’s holy light like Steve? You wanna be his disciple? Awesome. I hope I can be like you!

Alright y’all! Before you can reach fabulous hair just by God’s holy light…you first must learn to affect it. Mouse, aquanet, back brushing, hairspray and blowdrying is what you must all master!

SARAH: Then you can be just as cool as Steve! Ahahahahha!

Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak…

Or not…

BUSTED by Catwoman…

I know you wanted to go to the Dallas Hair Wars…but you can still cheer for me.

I don’t know why I never ripped your hair out as a child. And you’re too old to be Shirley Temple.

Mmm…peroxide…

Weirdo…

JESSICA: I don’t wanna go to the Hair Wars! You can’t make me!

Isn’t my life bad enough?

But the Hair Wars make EVERYTHING better!

Really?

I need something snazzy for the Dallas Hair Wars, but not as processed as your hair…

Sorry…I just can’t remember what you said…

BILL: *goes on ego trip*

[pdaobhjlpoapq2oihjpoifkjslddnm

Hai Bill. *Bill’s ego trip crash*

It’s the new me, you like?

Hair follicle control complete!

ERIC: I gotta use Sookie to find the 3rd member for my party in the Family Competition, you got me?

*Cue annoying psychobabble which translates to ‘No.’*

Fiiine, no more Mr. Nice Eric.

LUKE: Pfft. You can’t even use product correctly! Wait until tomorrow! You’re toast!

I think I can, I think I can!

Laffy awaits his judgment…

Please lemme go?

I don’t appreciate you attempting to run off. There is no team switching allowed.

BILL: We will bond and win the Family Competition if it’s the last thing I do!

JESSICA: I HATE YOU ALL!

This isn’t even about us anymore…

SOOKIE: I can’t stand your overwhelming desire to win! I’m leaving!

Now I’m just walking in the woods alone at night…What could possibly go wrong?

PEROXIDE…KILL!!!

And we all know how that ended…

I’ve seen shit waaaay worse than this, so would you stop gasping already?

Will she be scarred? We can’t have that for the Family Competition! We have to win!

DR. LUDWIG: Back off, vampire! Let me do my job.

ERIC: Ex-squeeze him. He’s a schmoopy sycophant.

I’m so sorry for everything! I promise when you get better, I’ll get better too!

So some weird claw thing got her, huh. Too bad, so sad for your category!

How’s your kid? I just got Maker of the Year.

I hate her and she sucks. She’s being recalcitrant towards the Family Competition.

Aww…how cute. My Pammy is a little slice of fuckawesome. She even did my hair.

Damn straight.

Eric likes blood.

Suuuukeh is mahn! Size gag.

I’m still gonna win, bitch!

Cue gag worthy ass kissing.

Meanwhile, Pam returns from her recon mission.

My clothes are ruined, my favourite pumps are decimated and my hair is a mess! I hate you, dad! Oh, and there isn’t shit in that forest.

Poor Baby…

I hate you, daddy.

Love you, too!

Thanks for helping to save Sookie and everything…but…Suuukeh is mahn!

Oh, I think she can do something to *repay* me. FYI, I WIN, BITCH!

I hate my life!

I love purple stew! I love purple stew-bee-doo-bee-doo-bee-doo…

WTF?

MARYANN: Want a joint?

Oh hey, the scars are gone! I can compete in the Dallas Hair Wars!

Here’s a Tube Top Sandwich. We’re holding a fabulous black man in the dungeon.

Take me to your leader! err…Lost cross. Take me to him!

Nobody knows the trouble I’m in…Nobody knows my sorrow…

SOOKIE: Lighten up, Laffy. I’m getting you outta here!

LAFFY: Fine. It’s a small world after all. It’s a sm- Okay fine…I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedeedeedee. Here they are a-standing in a row…Big ones, small ones, some as big as my head…

EGGS: I like you despite your nest hair.

TARA: I think I’m in love!

SOOKIE: Eric Northman, I know what you did last summer!

ERIC: Oooh, I’m shaking in my boots.

His name is Lafayette and you ought to be ashamed for what you’ve done to him!

*SLAP* Was that dandelion fluff?

Oh, I like you! Go Sawyer!

Go to H-E-Double hockey sticks! And I’m calling wolf!

And the fangs are out!

I can hair pull and bitch slap harder than you, little girl!

Shall we negotiate?

She may be abandoned by the Dursleys…

But that don’t mean you can hold her down! Looks like she broke out Bill’s Hair Guide…

And found a cute boy!

Ugh. My life is flashing before my eyes…1000 years of it. How does Bill stand her whining?

Sookie will go to Dallas to retrieve the missing party of Eric’s group in exchange for Laffy’s freedom.

Now wait a darn tootin’ moment! You’re gonna help him win the Hair Wars? The FAMILY COMPETITION?

It’s Laffy, okay…

Bring in the trash!

See ya, precious…

I’m done with you and your fabulous new coif, baby cakes!

I H8 U!

I H8 U more.

I’m controlling your entire town. Here, some wine will make you feel better.

So because I almost died and everything sucked…Let’s forget we ever argued and continue on the path to winning the Hair Competition.

New waitress has a huge scar on her back in addition to fabulous hair…Can you sense evil like I can? Duh.

Hazing. What happens when you’re closing to your hair being awesome, purely by the light of God, than anyone else.

BILL: I WILL NOT HAVE YOU FRATERNIZING WITH MY CHILD AND RUINING OUR CHANCES AT WINNING THE DALLAS HAIR WARS! GET OUT! OR I WILL THROW YOU OUT! And I can…despite being six or more inches shorter!

Why does my life suck so much?

I HATE YOU!

Oh little minion, you will come back to me. Because your friend is a bleached blonde skank and I am the only one who loves you…

Hello, Jason…It’s time I taught you the secret of the force…Soon your hair will be as perfect as mine.

As a token of our friendship, you can have a photo while I traipse off to Dallas to complete your life’s dream! Surprisingly, Sookie’s hair looks much better now that she’s not around Bill…

Bitch, I will rip your hair out.

I’m gonna own your soul, you poor, lonely heart.

Do you want me to show you the secrets to awesome hair purely by God’s holy light, Jason Stackhouse?

SHIT.

And her hair is shit again…You know what that means. Bill is in the vicinity.

No fang couple is taking the Dallas Hair Wars!

I will scare you with my teeth!

I OWN THIS TOWN NOW BITCH! Your hair follicles are all mine! It’s okay…I only kill the ones with fake hair.

BILL: I’ve been told I’m a douche…so now…for the sake of family bonding for the competition…I will now teach you how to glamour.

Dude, cool! Wait ’til this bites you in the ass!

SOOKIE: I know Eric, he’s just trying to be funny with the one bed. He doesn’t want us to win the Family Competition, aside from the whole hiring me thing.

Power abuse is SOOO much fun! And no one finds a catatonic human in the lobby suspicious?

Hello, Lafayette.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Like I said…no one goes to the other team for me. Oh…do you wanna keep that leg?

BILL: Leon, just what exactly were you doing attacking Sookie?

I am an Ninja Assassin sent by the Fellowship of the Sun to eliminate the Compton Family from the Dallas Hair Wars. I was hired for my utter unattractiveness. I witnessed Jace fingering Becky in church.

That’s uh…nice. And Bill’s face cracks from attempting to smile…

I wonder if this will cause me to drop weight…

I could eat you all day.

That’s enough. Don’t get greedy. Eww…Jonas Brothers’ ring tone? Must be Bill.

Speak.

*Cue more psychobabble translating to ‘We were attacked! And you knew we would!*

Duh. Tell me, do you buy multivitamins or just vitamin C? I like multipurpose assets. Although that 2 in 1 shampoo-conditioner is fucking up your hair.

Now do your job and shut up.

You’re like the Chihuahua from those Transformers movies…

You can touch my hair…like a virgin, touched for the very first time…

I don’t watch Glee.

My eyes are burning.

ERIC: Sorry to break up the schmoop…Well, no I’m not. But we got to have a meeting. Get your wrinkled ass to the lobby. NOW.

BILL: So what is this meeting about?

ERIC: Nothing. I’m just here to fulfill my cockblock quota for the day and gloat.

Why? Like you have a chance.

Wanna bet? My Maker is 2000-years old. My family loves each other….Oh and we’re fucking fabulous. Plus, I officially own your girlfriend, bitch.

We have a theme!

Themes are lame.

Yes?

Uhh…

OMG! You’re a hair challenged telepath just like me!

NOOOOOO!!!

Deer.

Daphne. The nymph-o. And you’re not running for the hills, Sam? And hahahaha, pun, TB. Daphne…a nymph that turns into a tree to spurn Apollo’s advances. Daphne the shapeshifter…Nympho, short for nymphomaniac…hmm…now who would be into nymphomania…

We’re the same! Let’s be together!

Look, there’s a chance I won’t bleach my hair and turn into an idiot…Sorry, but this relationship can’t continue.

What do you mean you were only getting hair tips from that guy? I wasn’t born yesterday!

I am calling the Vampire Child Care Services and telling them you are starving me! FUCK YOU!

Before you can become awesome like Steve, you must go through extensive training in Rocky knockoffs.

I’m gonna run up the stairs first!

His hair will be more awesome than Steve’s…sigh.

SOOKIE: Look, we have a lot in common! We should brain meld!

What part of ‘FUCK NO!’ don’t you understand…Look at yourself, in your fried curls? This hair is NOT falling out!

Sookie, where did you go? I had a nightmare you joined the Dark Side and switched teams.

You know I would never do that…

Still…from now on, you’re not allowed to leave the room.

It’s take fabulous back to work day!

Later on, Eric takes Bill and Sookie to the source! Godric’s house to get the downlow.

ISABEL: The FoTS could have done it, but Godric’s hair can get him outta any trouble! His hair outshines Steve’s!

STAN: The FoTS SOOO did it! They were SOOO jealous of Godric’s hair! They don’t want no vampires winning the Dallas Hair Wars… Let’s bring the fang and destroy them all!

That’s brilliant! I wonder who did it? Vampires mark the spot! IDIOT!

YOU’RE BOTH COMPLETELY INCOMPETENT! AND YOUR HAIR SUCKS! THE SPANISH INQUISITION IS OVER! AND THE ONLY METRO IS DAVID BECKHAM!

Well I’d like you to try and find a bobby pin in a Puli all by yourself!

Welcome to my store of illegal arms. Let’s just say it’ll be a human win in the Wars…or else.

We even borrowed that from Buffy. That’ll show them!

You ever hear of Holy Hand Grenades?

I give Holy Hand Jobs.

It’s the next step to having hair that’s awesome just from God’s Holy Light?

You betcha.

Let’s break it down. White=Peace Dove. Black=War Hawk. No progress.

Eric is pissed.

I just ruined a priceless vase and mussed up my hair because the two of you are idiots! WTF are you gonna do about bringing back my Maker.

SOOKIE: I’ll join the Dark Side! I can blend in due to our theme!

Done. I’ll throw in some extra moisturizing conditioner.

I don’t like this team jumping business! She’s on my team!

Too bad. Until my Maker is back, she’s on any team I see fit!

Why are you so determined to do this?

FLASHBACK!

The night I was made, I was promised something.

I’ve just talked to the Ancient Pythoness. Join me into Death and we’ll win the Dallas Hair Wars.

That sounds like the shit.

I know, right?

Wanna come with?

FUCK YEAH.

*tear* I miss my dad.

I’m never letting go of you, you little weave’d up sucker!

Cue schmoop scene. Bill doesn’t want Sookie out of his sight… and she’s his barnacle.

But don’t hold your breath…

Hello, Bill, I’ve come to retrieve that dildo I left in your ass.

Eric eats a protein shake.

Food should be quiet.

I can be quiet.

God protein shakes taste awful. Run along…I have business to attend to.

Thanks for coming, Lor-Lor.

I heard it’d be fun…

ISABEL: Look, we’re schmoopy, you’re schmoopy. Let’s work together, then Sookie doesn’t have to go into the Dark Side alone.

Schmoop makes the world go around!

ERIC: I can’t fucking stand schmoop, plus, I wanna win the Hair Wars. Break up Bill and Sookie.

I do love cockblocking! Plus, I’ve been jilted.

Excellent. Anyways, kinda wondering…Was Bill’s hair always so goddamn awful?

Oh, his hair style left along with his balls…

We used to be such a dynamic duo.

We conned people with good hair…sigh.

You…my two awesome disciples are going to build the stage for the Dallas Hair Wars…It was pushed down to the church groups because no one else wanted to do it…Oh well.

We’ll be putting anti-vamp weapons in the wings!

SOOKIE: What’s wrong Hugo?

HUGO: I just don’t know if I can schmoop anymore! Is the schmoop worth it?

ANDY: You got anything to do with the weird shit?

Now that’s just discrimination against fabulous.

I shall make you confess!

You wanna ride the merry-go-round? Do ya?

Terry, make it stop!

SOOKIE: Look at us! We’re young, we schmoop! Of course we’re religious fanatics who want to make our hair awesome just by God’s light. It’s the only way my hair will survive another trip to the salon.

I’ll take you on the tour with me, Sarah and Jesus!

What does a vampire do for shits and giggles?

Fuck over the corpses of people with good hair.

Hey, Fabulous! You’re back on payroll!

You’re gonna be our little Hair Wars spy from now on! Look at this bump-itless beehive! There is no way I am not winning the Dallas Hair Wars with my dad and my granddad!

STEVE: Throughout this tour, I have concluded something…You don’t schmoop enough!

GET ‘EM!

*GASP*

I don’t think so, love slave! It’s time for dildo removal!

Oh the humanity!

I feel a strange buzzing in my hair follicles. Must be the joint!

I guess not!

Well…this night looks like a bust…

I would do anything for love!

*Wibble*

SARAH: It’s time to commence the final task to awesome hair just by God’s holy light. Holy sex.

DAPHNE: You’re cute, but gullible. A job applicant with good hair walks into your bar and you don’t even suspect?

Time for the ceremony!

Wake up, time to die!

OMG! Cruella’s gonna skin a collie for a fur coat!

NOOOOOO!!!

Hope you enjoyed! The caps were from Marishna, Jenni Lou and myself. The gifs are from Bluebear. Volume 2 to come soon…hehehe.

~simba_317


23 Responses to “Bigger, Badder, Awesomer”

  1. […] Click image to view more. […]

  2. Guys that was awesome. My hubby kept looking at my funny cos i was laughing so hard. I can’t wait for the next volume.

  3. I think we need a http://www.dramabutton.com here… lol

  4. Soooo Funny the best of the best is: Suuukeh is mahn!!! hahahahahahaha

  5. this is soooo funny…. could you please kill Bill in the second part? we really don’t need him! haha

  6. haha LOL
    love how you hate Bill whaha!!

  7. OMFG hilarious! Love it. Funniest part: “Miss Jeanette’s heart has been kamehameha’d out of her chest! And OMFG! HER WIG HAS BEEN STOLEN!”

    Comedy gold, ladies.

  8. ERIC MAD, LMAO! Great job, love it.

  9. Hilarity ensues… LOL You gals are genious! Keep up the great work!!! Can’t wait for #2

  10. You ever hear of Holy Hand Grenades?
    I give Holy Hand Jobs.
    It’s the next step to having hair that’s awesome just from God’s Holy Light?
    HAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!!!

    ERIC: Ugh. My life is flashing before my eyes…1000 years of it. How does Bill stand her whining? ROFLMAO!!!

    HAHHAHA I can’t wait for the second part!!!

  11. love it! PURE GENIUS

  12. “…Hello, Bill, I’ve come to retrieve that dildo I left in your ass…”

    Well, that would certainly account for some of his personality!

    Hilarious and awesome!

  13. “BILL: So what is this meeting about?

    ERIC: Nothing. I’m just here to fulfill my cockblock quota for the day and gloat.”

    *giggles* I loved it hehe

  14. i loved this! where can i find the first part?

  15. Thanks Simba.. i was looking for the first part to make a blog post over at svmu (here is the link for our post http://svm-universe.ning.com/profiles/blogs/blood-bonds-erics-hair )

  16. Freaking hysterical!
    Love it!

  17. “That sounds like the shit”….”i know right?”
    “I’ve come to remove the dildo, I left up your ass”?!!
    ROFLMAO!! That was fucking hilarious! I’ve missed your genius Simba! So happy you have an EHE sequel!! Thanx ~J

  18. So…..a dildo ah?
    I knew there had to be a reason
    for that constant puckered look
    of his.
    Your hair centric S2 is awesomely awesome.
    *bows before genius*

  19. omg that was quite possibly the funniest thing i’ve ever seen.

  20. Absolutely hysterical! I couldn’t stop laughing! Great job!

  21. *Eww…Jonas Brothers’ ring tone? Must be Bill.*

    LMAO!!!! You iz a geeenius!

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