Don’t Cross Eric

Okay, it’s Sunday morning, meaning it’s just before True Blood airs in a few hours…So to refresh your memory regarding what happened in the premiere. I give you a recap/review.

We were left hanging in Season One, wondering who the dead body was in Andy’s car, we mourned the loss of Lafayette. For it must by our dear dear Laffy, too fabulous to die! We cursed Alan Ball! He was the one thing we wanted changed from the books, dammit! So who was it?

Why, with her heart Kamehameha’d out of her chest, it was Miss Jeanette! My money is on Maryann!

Oh, AB, what a great fake out!

Time for True Blood! Woo!

We open with Sookie at the scene of the crime…

Hearing all the psyches in her head! Oh no! You know the psyches right?

They scream in her head and make her do things she normally wouldn’t do, fighting for dominance in her mind because they’re really PO’d, because in some cases, like Carol Danvers, you sucked her dry and killed her! …Umm…oops! Wrong fandom.

Anyway, Sookie hears Tara and does something shocking! She’s actually a good friend and comforts her. Say what? Anyway, Tara’s off to tell Kenya the truth and we’re going to Andy now.

Bullheaded, a-hole Andy.

Sheriff Deeborn tries to reason with him.

But it’s kinda useless. Andy is a dick and a dog has a better chance catching its own tail after chasing it around than Andy has with getting reason.

And now we’re with Bill and Jessica who lays down the law. No hunting! 4am is sleepy time! No fun!

And Jessica is like ‘Like I wanna drain any of this trailer trash from this bumfuck town. Great choice of location Bill!’

Bill ignores her and because he’s totally up in the now, being a mainstreaming vamp and all he’s like, I’m a greenpire! We recycle!

Jessica’s like, I have entered the land of suck! But can I have a cell phone?

Who’s on Bill’s phone?

Why it’s Sookie and she always needs Bill. *Gag* And we’re kinda like, we’ve had all of them as we can stand.

Bill’s like, aww…You’re sweet, my little Bi-Polar Bear! xoxo!

Sam’s like… 😦 What about me? Spurned by woman first time of the episode!

Back to Bill, who’s telling Jessica to go upstairs so he can have alone time with Sookie.

Jessica has impulse control issues, but we’re like, ‘Aren’t you sweet! You can drain Sookie if you want!’

No Fun Mopey Navel Gazing Type Bill says no. And he doesn’t want Jessica to look like a slattern or ho in now language. He’s not that hip.

Jessica is like woman of the evening! SWEEEET! We’re like LOL, Jess, you rock.

Meanwhile, Jason starts reading the Fellowship of the Sun book and starts to have thoughts. It’s quite painful that he’s so stupid…sigh…

Irony. When you tell the truth and no one believes it. Poor Tara.

Andy now becomes an even bigger a-hole!

Bud does the sensible thing and kicks Andy out. Thank you, Bud!

Only sensible doesn’t last long and Lettie Mae storms up that joint and we’re like…oooh! Here it comes! Bring the popcorn!

And poor Tara has a worse mom than all the dads in Lost, more concerned about her so-called salvation than her very own daughter.

And once again, Tara’s truth is rebutted.

Remember how Lafayette’s not dead? Well, where is he? Why, he’s chained to some sort of creepy medieval merry go round round from hell.

And he’s been here awhile too as the lack of water indicates.

We wonder what the contraption could possibly be for…but we learn it’s so you can use the toilet. Poetic, smart, yet totally creepy…As far as I’m concerned few people could think up of that unless they had a lot of time on their hands…hmmm…

A familiar face is brought in…racist, homophobic Royce!

He recognizes Lafayette. He explains that he doesn’t know how long he’s been here or what he’s in for…only that there are screams…dun dun dun!

Back to Sookie and Bill and his house being all schmoopy and we’re like. Ugh. I’m OD’ing on corn syrup! I just died in an elevator like Slash and need Dr. Cannom to resuscitate me with a shot of adrenalin to the heart! Make them contraband, please!

Sookie’s like my psyches were acting up, I couldn’t block them out. Please let me use you again Bill in another time of shock and grief for me?

Just when we couldn’t stand more schmoopiness, we got our shot to the heart!

Thank you Jessica! Our very own schmoop buster. Thank God!

Once again, Lettie Mae lays it into Tara and just when we couldn’t stand more of her denial, Maryann comes!

And she unloads one big can of sarcastic whoopass on Lettie Mae and we’re like ‘GO MARYANN!’ despite the fact that her motivations are sketchy…she is still right.

And the line that we’d all love to use on someone: “I always wanted to know what it would be like to gaze into the eyes of someone so devoid of human compassion…” Michelle Forbes is brilliant. Thank you, casting gods!

She acts more like a mom to Tara than her real mom.

And demonstrating Sookie’s ideologies, just like in the books, “You killed her?”

“Seriously?”

‘So…you bit her and drained her, did you have sex with her too?’

‘EWWWWWW! I don’t want him to Touch-A, Touch-A Touch Me!’

Billy Boy explains that he had to turn Jessica for saving Sookie.

Jessica lays down the blame on Sookie!

Everyone’s realllllly comfortable.

Bill’s like, beddy-bye time! But Jessica isn’t tired.

Bill makes her. Looks like Jessica misses Pam and her blowdryer too. Jessica says ‘Compared to Fangtasia, this blows!’ and we totally agree! This blows, Bill! This blows!

So Bill hedges.

‘So if Eric and Pam did turn Jessica over, you never would’ve told me this? What else are you hiding?’

Bill claims that witholding info was to protect Sookie.

Sookie’s like…ummm…lie! Got anything else to tell me?

Bill says ‘no’. I don’t know about you guys, but my lie senses are tingling!

Sookie leaves.

Vampire-Racist Smackdown! Go Nan! Newlin is claiming that the vamps killed his daddy and Nan’s like, ‘That’s bullshit.’ We sooo did. *Snicker*

Robyn McGraw is getting turned on by this.

It ends with Nan going ‘Oyasumi nasai’ and you know all the vamps out there are just dying to say ‘Newlin-san o koroshite arigatou gozaimashita!’ to her.

They’re in some sort of crazy religious event.

Who should be there but Jason?

He likes the preacher’s wife.

The FOTS brand of crazy makes him think apparently. Uh Oh. He wants to join their domestic terrorist cell.*palms face* Poor, misguieded Jason.

It costs $1200, it’s also a scam, btw. But pray on it. Money will fall out of trees.

Sam goes to Maryann’s to drop off some money.

He picks up a Henry Moore figurine and we get a flashback! I almost feel like they’re rubbing the Lost hiatus in my face.

Becoming a beagle, Sam, after he ran away from home, enters a strange and mysterious home.

It’s freakishly stocked with a lot of food. Meaning danger. Like Hansel and Gretel with that witch or that monster that had eyes in his hands like Pan’s Labyrinth.

He’s caught by Maryann and she’s hot for young blood!

Unfortunately, it was the middle of the day, so of course Maryann was still asleep, so Sam left.

Sookie decided to clean her Gran’s room. Only it was all kinds of creepy with the water still out and the pill bottles, books, blankets and what not.

She’s sorting through all the stuff…and it’s all kinds of sad, I mean, it’s the perfect set up for Sookie to be all wibble emotionally, when all of a sudden the doorbell rings.

It causes her to cut her finger on the box. Ouch. Set up for symbolism!

Who should be at the door but our favourite lawyer, Sid Matt Lancaster! He tells Sookie that her child molesting Uncle Bartlett was in a river accident (yeah right) and died. Oh, and Bartlet is awesome and his friend. Don’t think he knows about child molestation.

Sookie’s like…oh crap! Vigilante Bill has struck again. And of course, there’s no evidence because the man has been rotting in the river for a few weeks.

Oh, and Uncle Bartlett left 11 000 buckaroos for you. And we’re like, Bill so set that up…

And the coup de gace? Ooh! Blood money, it’s tainted. LOL, TB!

Now we go to the creepy cabana, where Maryann has holed up Tara and Eggs by the pool. She waxes poetic about the god Pan and his human lover and we’re like…oooh, clue to what that chick is!

She’s got weed and advises Tara to stop protecting mommy and start living and be happy. Interesting combo, huh?

Then she leaves Eggs and Tara alone to talk about their sucky pasts. And it’s like, I feel another OD coming on!

However, here to save the day is Karl! With his towels! You rock Karl! Schmoop Buster No. 2!


Tara up and leaves.

Mayann is not happy! She smacks a bitch. NOBODY NEEDED TOWELS!

And Karl dropped like a sack of potatoes. That was either some backhand or Karl is a wimp. I’m thinking the latter.

Over at the Renard Parish Road Crew, Hoyt and Jason are taking a break. Jason starts going on about how awesome the FOTS are and Hoyt’s like, ‘The Vampire haters? Really?’

Jason’s like, stop with the hatin’ they be all about the luvin’. They’re gonna give me answers! The preacher’s wife is hot and I wanna bang her!

Sookie crashes the party, informing Jason of Bartlet’s death and gives Jason the tainted check. She can’t keep blood money. Irony! Bill’s cycle of violence circles around! Oops!

And Jason’s like, ‘The holy laiht shines down on meeeeee!’

*Some Weird Sucking Noise* And we’re back in a flashback! Maryann the Cougar is taking Sam’s virginity. I call statutory rape.

Creepy Thing No. 1!

Creepy Thing No. 2? The scary orgasms! Like, you’re some kinda succabus right? That might be normal.

Looks like Merlotte’s is getting a new waitress.

And Sam’s getting a new love interest. I wonder what creepy shit she’s hiding. Sam likes chicks with creepy shit.

Back to the creepy merry go round. Nothing merry going around here…Royce is running is mouth.

Lafayette’s like…just do what I do and think about why you’re here, dumbass!

He’s realized that all the things he did to make sure he didn’t get into a dead end, only got him here…in a dead end. Ironic, isn’t it?

Royce is like ‘Let’s talk about me so that when I get out I can tell them what happened to me!’

Unfortunately, Laffy allows this and we learn that Royce’s butt is magnetic.

Kill me now.

The only thing I regret is not punching you harder in that AIDS burger incident.

Okay, if it makes you feel better, when I was 15, at Safety Patrol Camp, I let my bunkmate blow me.


This is self explanatory.

LOL TB! Great transition! And now we’re up for scenes at the bar!

Andy being a jerk, throwing his badge around.

The ladies tending to the bar.

The boys chilling at the bar…

…with Jason getting hit on by the most mannish ho in four counties…

Jason’s like…now Hoyt, I’ve turned a new leaf, no sex or alcohol, but you could go hit that. And Hoyt’s like “I’m not that desperate.”

Meanwhile, the locals gossip about the recently deceased fangbanger serial killer, Rene!

Arlene overhears. Poor girl!

Terry to the rescue! We do love Terry. He’s awesome. That’s right! Don’t eyeball him!

Oh Terry, you are such a nutjob, but you’re our nutjob!

Soo…Jason, you’re going to a leadership conference? For what church?

Did you know that Marlboro are one of the shadiest cigarette companies? LOL TB!

I’m hoping God will tell me what to do at the Marlboro Baptist Church…why they took Gran away, why they took Amy away…

But Crazy Amy was a V addict…

When you love someone you gotta love all of them. And Sookie’s like Oh Shit! Maybe she doesn’t love all of Bill…hmmm…

We’ve got more bar life, oh look! Bud won a dosido tournament! It’s like call Stacey and Clint quick!

Now we’re back at the Compton residence. Poor Jessica! Call Amnesty International…or her local sheriff…poor girl is being subject to inhumane treatment! Drinking ass out of a bottle!

I’ve tasted blood and I want more, more, more!

‘Eric let me feed from a guy with tattoos and a nipple ring!’

‘I’m not Eric.’

And the best line of the night,You are SOOOO not Eric!We officially love you, Jessica!

Sookie goes to Sam wanting to leave so she can patch things up with Billy Poo. Sam’s not exactly happy.

I guess I owe you an apology for leading you on…

I want off your bi-polar roller coaster! Your love is a roller coaster, baby, I do NOT want to ride!

Inside the bar, Andy’s drunken asshole antics have risen to level critical!
Sheriff Dearborn unleashes some telling it like it is. Isn’t it great he can look stern even in a hideous shirt?

Only Andy wants to stay on the case. We do feel sympathy for him though. Being an a-hole cop is all Andy can do. Nevertheless, he gets dismissed.

Sam has more reminisces…

Of a time when he stole clothes and very neatly stacked money from Maryann’s drawers…escaping her creepy clutches. Good boy, Sam!

He can’t enjoy his memories long though, Maryann comes in!

Sam gives her the money…but it’s not the money she wants…

I’m feeling she wants to give creepy sex a round 2…but it’s definitely not about getting back at Sam with Tara.

And Sam’s like ‘Remember Gina, Admiral Cain!

Now on the floor of the bar, Eggs wants something sweet from Tara…and we’re like ‘Where’s the schmoop busters!’

Only we get no relief!

And this is soooo not about getting back at Sam…

Back at Bill’s Jessica’s torture is complete…but at least she’s found a combo that tastes less like ass.

Sookie comes in and she and Bill wants some private time! Only…the brat is still up.

So Sookie humbles herself and realizes that she hasn’t seen Jessica’s side of things and will take her out tomorrow like girls do.

She handled Jessica much better than Bill. For one thing, she cared about Jessica’s needs which is something Bill has totally missed the mark on since he turned her. Nope, it’s all been about him, his values, his rules, his house. He’s never tried to relate to her. All Jessica needed was for someone to listen.

Bill’s impressed with Sookie…

…but Sookie’s definitely not impressed with Bill, his lying and vigilante killings.

Bill hedges with flowery words. ‘DAMMIT JANET! I LOVE YOU!’

Sookie, being extremely naive and inexperienced falls for his words…She loves him too…

And there’s no schmoop buster in site to bust us out of this one! Do we only get two per show? What do I need to do to up my schmoop busters?

We are forced to watch them have unsexy, highly choreographed, awkward ick sex…where Anna Paquin makes these faces of pain which make you soooo do not want to have sex…

An if you thought that was the end of it…nope!

Bill is a messy eater. And more pain face…

There must be something better after this! Isn’t there?

Why yes there is! Back to Laffy and Royce!

Royce is bustin’ ’em out! But oh no! The door opens! Shut up Royce!

What is that creepy humming I hear?

Oooh! V for Vendetta!



See!

And doesn’t he look adorable with his big blue eyes, telling them that shooshing does nothing, because they hear all? You just want to pinch his vain little cheeks!

There hasn’t been such a cool entrance since this:

Eric needs to take out some garbage!

They’ve got a question for Royce regarding the 3 Vampateers he killed. A sheriff was lost…hmmm…Looks like Eric wasn’t kidding when he said that they could smell who wronged them…And it sounds like it’s Fangtasia. Oh Eric, you guys definitely do illegal things at Fangtasia! LOL TB!

Crimes against vamps are on the rise, and Eric isn’t taking Royce’s answer as fact!

I’ve got an avatar for this too…

Anyway, Eric’s like, Don’t you know, it’s TB2: Vampires United!


Royce sure ain’t going down easy though!

He burns Eric with a silver cross and tries to escape! Uh oh!

…And Eric doesn’t take it!

Ummm…entrails?

This is an arm…

…and this is an arm detached…I guess Royce isn’t going to be the next Rocky…

And Lafayette is like, ‘Note to self, don’t cross Eric!’

Well, I hope you enjoyed the recap/review!

FYI, Slash thanked the Doc who resuscitated him in the liner notes in Velvet Revolver’s Contraband album. Bi-Polar Bear is a Stone Temple Pilots song. The Japanese is ‘Goodnight’ and ‘Thank you for killing Newlin.’ I hope you enjoyed my references to the Rocky Horror Picture Show…I love it! I saw Eric in that smock, plus heard him humming and V for Vendetta just popped into my head, I thought it was oddly appropriate lol. I’m also a big X-Men/Rogue, BSG and Lost fan…so those references come pretty easy. Not to mention the actors in those things are well represented on this show lol.

Thanks go out to marishna from LJ for the caps. Additional caps and the other images I made myself. The avatar is from LJ…I think it may be one of ack’s.

~simba_317


10 Responses to “Don’t Cross Eric”

  1. So funny! My favorite recap ever. Hope you do more of these!

  2. ROFLMAO

    Simba, the V for Vendetta comparison really caught me off guard there. Love the “unsexy, highly choreographed, awkward ick sex” expression. You really got it there!

  3. You put a lot of work into that!! Thanks so much, it’s great!!

  4. I love the recaps, I was giggling the whole time! You should make them a habit, they are sure fun!

  5. Ok, I still can’t stop laughing! Really, really funny!
    Great job, Simba.
    HBO should definitely hire you 🙂

  6. Great job on the recaps. Eric is soo bossy and yet soo HOT!

  7. just read your fan fic on fanfiction.net and had to come over here and see your board, loved the recap and i’m going to explore

  8. Nice!!

  9. Hey Simba, that was very very entertaining!! You definitely have the gift of the written word!!! Love it…

  10. It’s like call Stacey and Clint quick!
    Hahahaha. Best recap ever!

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