Beyond Here Lies BullShit

If that was supposed to be a finale, my name is Michael Jackson. The title “Beyond Here Lies Nothin'” was nothing, if not prophetic and fitting.

R. Mutt is a bit of an art history joke…

First off, I think this is what True Blood does well, it expands the world from Sookie and has great plot points, the thing is that the plot has taken precedence over the characters, in the form of plot contrivance. Tara loooooovvves Eggs. Show me when I got this from evidence on the show. Contrived. Bill killed Bartlet, Bill lied to Sookie about Jessica, but because Sookie nearly dies in Episode 3, everything’s okay now? Contrived. They don’t even pick up on any of the issues, character issues they developed earlier in the season in regards to that. So in the end, Bill and Sookie’s characters really did NOT grow this season. They’re still everything they were in Season One, except worse and I guess you can cause that a change…lol. Bill is even MORE controlling, Sookie is even MORE naive. She gets at least two monologues to prove that…

Okay…so…the finale…I thought it was ridiculous. It made me not take it seriously the first scene in. So I think that softened the blow…a bit. I thought the dialogue was good with some great lines, I thought the acting was good, a mark of a good script underneath. That being said, the plot sucked prairie oysters. Big fucking prairie oysters. I love AWoo, but even HE can’t turn shit into gold. Although I really think he did the best with what he was given and tried his best to mitigate the prairie oysters. Wrap up this ridiculous thing with Maryann…none of us can do it! But we know you can, Alex! What do you mean you’re not sure? Oh, just go as ridiculous as you want…

I found myself laughing at the show because it was funny, but mostly because it was SO absurd. I was laughing AT the show and not WITH it because it was so ridiculous. Not a good thing. There was so much that didn’t make sense and I’m not talking about Eric and the queen as a plot device for next season. I’m talking about why Sookie needs Glow Hands to push over a meatpole and why Bill couldn’t do it. I’m talking about why Bill couldn’t smash the egg. I’m talking about how you find a severed finger in a meatpole…I’m talking about why a dead finger can be reattached. I mean…FFS, if you don’t ice a severed limb, it’s dead within 30 minutes or two hours and you can’t reattach it. Everyone knows that! I don’t know about you, but I think the whole severing took longer than that…

Was there no way to put in more Eric and still have people going OMFG! Did Eric kidnap Bill? I would’ve liked more Eric instead of talk about Jane’s finger… I mean FFS, Eggs got two/three emotional scenes and no one gives a fuck about Eggs. Not to mention, Eric’s loss of Godric is MUCH more important than anything Eggs has ever contributed to True Blood and he was a disposable character anyway. He was doomed to die as soon as Laffy pulled out his Justice card. And we see Eric attempt to deal with Godric’s loss…only it was dealt with, with about as much attention span as the queen.

As for the proposal? Yes, it’s utterly ridiculous. But, BS is dead. Remember the federal marshal on Lost that was in charge of transporting Kate’s extradition to Los Angeles? Remember how he was realllllyyy badly injured from the plane crash and was going to die, but it was going to be long, slow and extremely painful? Remember how Sawyer took pity on him and decided to euthanize him via bullet? But missed the heart, so he would die even more painfully? The point is, that regardless, the marshal would die. Similarly, the engagement is the bullet in the marshall after several internal injuries. I mean, Bill and Sookie have run their course, when you’re already popping the engagement in Season 2, on a successful TV show where the actors are contracted for 7 seasons…that’s saying something, and it ain’t longevity. It’s saying OMFG! We’re desperate! Not only that, they can’t do another proposal either, it’s been done already, so it’ll be redundant. We just have to wait for Jack to finish the deal.

Oh and speaking of Jack from Lost, Bill was given pretty much EVERY single Lost finale Jack HERO! shit ever and it’s not even funny. It was a fucking medley! We had the Olympic Torch Run (We can call Sam the torch? Yes, that’s phallic), we had the hero is a villain is a hero bait and switch (did not see that one coming! *roll*), we had the sacrificial tree (I twist this dagger in you, Sammy), we had the hiding of the plan from the female (No, you can’t haul dynamite, Kate), we had the hero leading his group into a trap, we had the WTF plan that was a big fat calculated risk that was pulled off for little reason either than…he is the hero…(Let’s get off the Island and go where all these people came from who want to kill us and pretty much EVERY season finale.) Leah Kate said on FBL that the one constant of Lost is that Jack will always be mockable. Bill is SOOO mockable, it’s not even funny.

Just like Jack, don’t forget that Bill is TEH HERO. Thank you for saving us all, Bil and being TEH HERO. Thank you for risking my life, getting me stabbed and stuff, but because everything worked out in the end, because you’re TEH HERO. This shit really could have hit the fan, and we all could have died on your half assed, no way in hell could really work plan, but since it did, thanks for being TEH HERO. Oh Bill, let me clutch you, as you fall down from heroic exhaustion and schmoop because you’re TEH HERO. Let me give two big thank you speeches to TEH HERO even though I did all the work and nearly died…The ego/hero propping was ridiculous. There was so much hero propping that by the time Bill was attempting to be nice to Jessica, it just didn’t ring true.

I have to apologize for any spelling or grammar errors…As you know…I’m rather late on this recap…and I didn’t want to slow down the process by editing it. I think I’ve said all I wanted to say on this episode, and let’s leave it at that lol.

I think ridiculous is the buzzword for this episode.

On to the recap!

Oh look, it’s the Scream!

Laffy passes on a message, apparently Maryann wants Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb downstairs.

The egg says that Dionysus is coming! The village idiots run downstairs with the egg! Woo!

Sookie tries to appeal to Laffy, this isn’t him, he doesn’t want to do this…Sorry, Sook, no use talking to crazy.

‘Take off your clothes.’ ‘What? Listen to what you’re saying.’ LOL, Got that right. ‘I’ve got thousand year old vampire blood in me, now TAKE off your fucking clothes…’ This is how you know Laffy is crazy. When he wants a female to take off her clothes.

Oh look, they gave Sookie a bra that fits!

Never mind that it is SOOO counter continuity from last episode and the one before…It was a nip fest…

Oh Sookie, like Laffy really wants you in that way…

He wants Sookie to put on that dress…See!

Sookie is forced downstairs by Laffy.

To reveal Maryann being fussed about in Gran’s wedding dress! OH NO SHE DID’INT!

Sookie IS SOOO not into this. ‘What the hell are you doing in my grandmother’s wedding dress?’

‘Welcome, Sookie! You’re gonna be my maid of honour!’ This is the moment where you just could not take the episode seriously…Or maybe it was the freaking out over the egg…but this moment was it for me.

Laffy is into it, Sookie ain’t lol.

Time for a ridiculous episode of True Blood!

Sookie is fussing in Eggs’ clutches, but Maryann tells her to can it, she’s just going along as the something borrowed to fit in with old, new and blue.

Maryann knows that she probably should’ve asked Sookie for the dress, but she was nowhere to be found, not to mention, she’ll never use it anyway. OOOH! FORESHADOWING AND ANVIL!

Sookie tells her to go to hell. Oh c’mon, she revels in hell! Duh! ‘Please don’t be so negative, it is my day.’ LOL. LOVE Michelle Forbes and her bridezilla.

‘And you are in MY house and these are MY friends…plus Jane Bodehouse.’ LOL. Oh hey, after about 11 episodes of shitty makeup, they finally give Sookie good makeup, eyebrows and good camera angles…

‘I always liked you Sookie! You give me extra pickles!’ YAY! It is bad when you give Jane Bodehouse more airtime than Pam.

Sookie is SO NOT going to let Maryann do this to her friends!

Well, this is just NOT acceptable. Maryann needs a moment with her maid of honour.

C’mon now Sookie! Shoot Maryann with the electricity! ‘Do it again!’ Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa!

Sookie doesn’t even know what the hell that was.

But Maryann gets Sookie to try again.

This is like the worst episode of Dragon Ball Z ever. The kamehameha does NOT fail.

‘That’s hitting me. You’re not committing to this at all.’ LOL. I love bridezilla.

‘I do not have electrical powers! I am a human being!’

‘You keep saying that, but if you were human, I would’ve taken you over by now.’ The vibrator does not work on Sookie.

‘C’mon, it’ll be our little secret. What are you?’ ‘I’m a waitress. What the fuck are you?’

Who else totally loved Maxine dancing and singing to Motown? That was awesome!

While Hoyt’s away, Maxine will play! She sees her chance to slip away.

Unfortunately for Maxine, Hoyt has seen Entrapment with Catherine Zeta Jones and Sean Connery.

‘What are you doing, keeping your mother locked in her own house, Norman beast?’

Hoyt tells her that he’s going to keep everything she’s said about him and his daddy for the past couple days locked in a box. Oh Hoyt, don’t you know that just isn’t possible. Their relationship has changed forever, for good.

‘This is bigger than your petty little feelings! A god is coming into our midst. Does any part of your puny brain understands what that means?’

Hoyt reiterates that they’re staying home and Maxine tries to make a break for it, only to be held by Hoyt.

Maryann asks Sookie to think back to a time and remember if there she felt that there was someone looking over her. This is very Harry Potter. I wonder if she made the glass to a snake enclosure disappear…I wonder if she can speak parseltongue. ‘Yes, God.’ Even I got a chuckle out of that…

‘Well, you can call it that, but it’s not the same blind millions worship.’ LOL. It takes one to know one…‘And in your heart of hearts, you know it.’ An interesting motif in True Blood is advice or insight being offered from a less than pure source. Maryann fulfills the bill this season for Sookie. Last season we saw it in Miss Jeanette, this season, it was Daphne and Maryann.

Sookie recalls the night she choked Mack with the chain and realizes that the chain wrapped around his neck of its own volition.

‘Fine, so what am I?’ Maryann informs Sookie that she is beyond human. Afterall, she lives off human energy, succubus! but she can’t channel Sookie’s energy. It’s rare, but not unique in Bon Temps, after all, there’s Sam.

Sam? No, silly, her hubby is a god, duh. Sam is just a nice wedding present.

Oh, so sorry about this! Bride moment! Sookie wants to know how Maryann knows that god is coming. Way to ruin a moment, Sookie!

Oh silly Sookie, no time has ever been more perfect! Sam appeared to her a naked virgin drawn to the statue that represents the birth of Dionysus…yeah…we think it’s crazy too…but Sammy is the perfect vessel, sang real and all that jazz. Maryann’s only regret is that she didn’t kill him when she had the chance. Oh well, time to rectify that!

Oh Silly Sookie, of course the ritual will involve cutting out Sam’s heart! It’s the food of the gods…well, actually, that’s ambrosia…And Big Bacchus will LOOOOVE Sam’s heart, it’s what gives him life.

Sookie says Sam can escape Maryann…but that little detail did not escape Maryann at all. Sookie is bait and just like Sam will bring forth her god, Sookie will bring forth Sam. The bait is even wearing a virginal white dress…symbolic…

‘The moment he learns where you are, he’ll come running like a dog, maybe even as a dog.’ LOL!

Awww! Now you’re all ready for the party!

Now Eric has been taken Yahtzee prisoner. Great…Z said my prediction came true…that we got Sawyer in the sub…and once she told me how Eric wanted to help, but just gave up because he couldn’t do anything else, I realized I was right. We got Sawyer in the sub and the Jack medley of TEH HERO! moments.

Unfortunately for poor Eric, he is stepping into their game of Yahtzee with a shitty hand, not only that, they play to 5 million…well…when you’re on vampire time…

Poor Eric can see his life flash by his eyes…

How boring for them all, Sophie-Anne is waaaay ahead.

Oh come now! Yahtzee is the most egalitarian game in the world! Somehow I doubt she’ll be sprouting off about liberty, equality and fraternity… ‘You could be my social, physical or intellectual inferior, but your chances are equal to mine.’ They all look scintillated at the queen’s ego trip…That’s kind of interesting as to why she plays Yahtzee…but it seems like a facade to me…I find it interesting where she places Eric, Hadley and Ludis. Eric is only her social inferior, meaning she realizes that he is just as cunning, but also as beautiful as she is. Hadley is her physical inferior, because she is the queen, and therefore sees herself as more beautiful. At least she has brains too. Ludis is just dumb and pretty to look at.

‘It’s the perfect antidote for this world, where superiority and inferiority do matter.’ Eric recognizes an ego trip when he sees one…lol. Ooh…and because I’m a good realist, it’s all about power! The strong do as they will, the weak do as they must. Yes, that is The Melian Dialogue. Eric has to do as he must, he does not have the power in this situation.

The interesting thing about Eric during these scenes is that he has become quiet and very withdrawn into himself. It’s not just boredom, but we finally see his anguish. Great acting from Alexander Skarsgard. About damn time. It’s also feeling too little, too late…

‘Oh, speaking of which, I heard about your maker, that blows.’ Way to make his pain insignificant…How nice…You know the quickest way to make people dislike a character? Make them mean to a liked character and give them no redeeming qualities. 

‘Thank you, your majesty is very ki-“ Someone give him a hug!

‘Yahtzee!’

Yeah, E, the queen sucks.

‘That’s six in a row!’ ‘It’s a magic!’

‘I do NOT cheat! What would be the point?’ And the queen basically plays to win EVERY match, or everyone else lets her win…because she’s the queen, she’s got no other competitors. She does Yahtzee to show her power and to also give the appearance of being egalitarian. She’s clearly not. On a side note, ERW still sucks at delivering any metaphysical dialogue.

Hadley would like to beg to differ…but she won’t say anything…for now.

‘I’m sorry, you were saying?’

‘I was just saying, thank you, your majesty is very ki-“

She so does not give two shits…

“Oh yes, I just remembered! Did you know that there is a maenad in Renard Parish?’ Power trip. DWP! She clearly knows what’s going on, but all of her actions are used to throw her power in everyone else’s face. She’s got it, you don’t, remember it.

‘Yes, this is the reason I came to see you, your majesty.’ Unlike Bill, Eric always shows himself to be subordinate to the queen, and behaves in a respectful manner. I don’t understand why she let’s Bill off without so much as a hand slap…but I think it’s because she likes others to do dirty work for her, that way, she never appears at fault. It’s like Bill is speshul, so he gets speshul treatment…but Eric isn’t, which doesn’t make sense, because E is higher up than Bill and the queen is displeased with Bill too.

‘I wouldn’t get involved, if I were you. Stick to what you’re good at.’ What is Eric good at in this context? And we’ve got LaFleur in the sub. He wants to help, but can’t. Ugh.

It would’ve been nice to get Eric in on the action. It really could have been done, even though there’s all that crap that he needs to possibly take the fall for. It still would have worked, and would have been more dramatic and interesting if he did. He could’ve been the wolf in sheep’s clothing. And if you want me to watch the ridiculousness which is the maenad, at least put some E in it!

I gave William Compton some hand-me-down folklore we’ve accumulated over the centuries, but who knows if it’s gospel or gorilla shit?’ Oh, Bill is reaaaally going out on a limb here.

‘You know, I think he’s monogamous with his human.’ She reaaaallly doesn’t like that. Monogamy? Who does it these days? Sheesh. And just like that, Bill once again draws more attention to himself and Sookie than is necessary. He just does NOT know how to put his head down. He really does remind me of the Melians in The Melian Dialogue.

‘He is in love with her, yes.’ I really like how AS plays this so softly, because there’s so many layers to it. You get that he’s stating a fact, but not putting more emotion behind it than necessary to give away his hand or make himself look like an asshole with egg all over his face, if the assertion will get him in trouble. You get that he might feel a bit of something for Sookie. You get that he’s still grieving over Godric and is tired of putting up facades…Love it. Very subtle.

‘He is?’ Oooh! Hadley interjects.

Queeny doesn’t like that!

It seems like Hadley might just have feelings for the queen and doesn’t like being one of many to her and is jealous that Sookie has love with Bill. Hmm…

‘Well, of course he would be…with her.’ She mocks love too…Interesting. You really get how hard it is for the vampires to fall in love, because their immortality does get in the way and they’re left with nothing except hurt. You spend a thousand years loving someone, having that emotion and that connection grow more than any human ever could, only to have it snatched away from you. What’s the point? ‘You probably are too.’

‘I do not love humans.’ Again, the performance was so layered…you get a sense of how tired he is, how hurt he is from dealing with Godric, that hint of something he feels for Sookie…I also find it interesting that he phrases it ‘I do not love humans’ not ‘I do not love her.’ It makes it so that he won’t get egg on his face and is an interesting way of indirectly answering the queen’s question without really answering it. He dodges and deflects her.Very vampy…

‘She’s not entirely human. Have you tasted her?’ That is pretty much foreshadowing…Eric can’t fall in love with humans…but what about someone not entirely human?

‘Sadly no.’

‘Don’t. Ever. One vampire falling in love is bad enough.’ So the queen orders him not to have Sookie’s blood…meaning, should Eric follow her orders and I think he will, whatever relationship he has with Sookie will be more pure, because the influence of the blood will not be there. They haven’t had an exchange within 24 hours of meeting. The other interesting thing is that whatever happens next will be all on Sookie, Bill’s tried to cockblock him and Eric might stay away, so he and the queen don’t get in trouble…but the ball is in Sookie’s court.

‘Yes, Bill Compton certainly has a knack for finding trouble.’ Quite possibly Eric’s only piece of unambiguous dialogue…his disdain also shines through.

‘Yes, for instance, how does he know I’m having you sell vampire blood? The guards hear everything.’ Knew it! And once again, Bill’s threats are useless. Speaking of Bill, he really needs to read and understand The Melian Dialogue.

‘Your majesty, I’m sorry, there is no way he could’ve-“

‘That. Is really bad.’

At least Eric knows how to look properly chastised…‘He does not know you are supplying it.’ OMG! Sophie-Anne wants to create a bunch of mindless Yahtzee slaves using her own blood!? Okay…I don’t know if SA is using her own blood in this op or other vampires…I don’t know what her motive is…but I have a suspicion that she’s running a sting operation. Think about it, depending on how fresh the blood is, a vampire can know what a human is feeling and also locate it…it’s an incredible sting if they want to stop drug users and dealers…it’s better than radioactive dye on money…You just need to take blood from your best trackers…

Oh look! Bugs Bunny! What’s up, doc?

They just do not fit her teeth…if they’re trying to show her power…they just made her look ridiculous…

‘You better not. I’m holding you responsible.’

And they kiss with tongue, and it doesn’t quite make sense…but I’ll go with it. It’s not hot, passionate chemistry, because it’s more about animal instinct, killing, domination, power and politics…so I guess that works…it was just weird…

‘There they are, aren’t yours lovely?’ I guess Bill’s aren’t as pretty?

‘You may be the strongest, oldest vampire in my queendom, but if I want it, I could own your fangs as earrings. Understand?’ I’m guessing that it’s the power of her position as queen, more than the power she has physically. She’s been stated to be only around 600 years old, so in an all out fight, Eric could win, but the queen has powers that Eric does not, the powers of her position, which protect her.

‘I will take care of Bill Compton…personally.’ And THAT was the main plot point as to why Eric flew all the way to New Orleans, why he’s taken out of the action, even though Sam asked him to help, so he can utter a few lines for people to go ‘Ooooh!’ Maybe he did it!

Luckily, Ludis interrupts them before they go at it again. The queen got Yahtzee after all. Nothing against the them having sex…it just would’ve been weird.

She gets off Eric and he’s made it another day as a vampire. He’s got lipstick on his lips. Need a tissue? I think it’s in my bra.

I don’t think Hadley is okay with all this…

E straightens himself out like nothing happened. Smooth.

He takes his turn at Yahtzee. After all, they play to 5 million. Call Amnesty International! Eric is being held Yahtzee prisoner!

‘You suck at this.’ Well…at least she was more queenly this episode.

Andy worries if he and Jason can really pull this off with no backup, but Jason is nonplussed. He is an action hero. ‘You’re my backup. We’re special ops. Surgical. One shot. Say hello to my little friend. Hasta la vista, baby. I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.’ If only…that would explain a lot, Jase.

Meanwhile, Oh noes! There is a massive orgy on Stackhouse property! They got no right to do that!

Andy doesn’t want to be so brash, but hey, they’ve got guns! Kid Glockholm!

Andy still hesitates, he’s never killed anyone before (FORESHADOWING), but Jason gives him the right motivation. ‘You see that house, the Stackhouses have had it for 150 years. Now what kind of man would stand by while his grandmother’s house gets torn to the ground?’ ‘It’s not my grandmother’s house.’ ‘But it’s in the town you swore to protect!’Very nice…hit on all the old action hero tropes.

‘It’s times like these, this town needs a good man, Andy. And that man is us.’ LOL. We could get philosophical about how Andy and Jason are one man…but Jason just has poor grammar lol.

And now they’re going to infiltrate the crowd…it amuses me that Jason starts using military hand signals lol trying to be all incognito.

The only problem is that the Zombies catch on rather quickly…you can’t Shawn of the Dead them! No one sees the bride before the wedding, step away from the house! LOL Terry. I kinda want him as an usher, he’d soo make sure you’d have no problems.

Just where is, Andy? Why, he’s finally become one of them! Why did Andy turn into a zombie now and not before? I don’t get it. ‘He’s comin’!’ He pops Jason one.

That’s all it takes. ‘Fuck yeah!’ Looks like the anomaly skips…and Jason is not speshul like Sookie. I think Niall mentioned that Sookie was the one with the special ‘essential spark’ that Jason did not have.

The only time in his life when Jason is sexually nondiscriminatory…hurry up, Maxine! Now’s your chance!

Back at Merlotte’s, Sam explains the situation with the kids. Poor Lisa is so scared about her mom, she’s afraid to go to bed.

‘If you let me glamour them, they would have been asleep in seconds.’ Yes, because glamouring is the answer to everything. It really bugs me the way Bill uses this ability he has. It’s like his cache all blank slate to make sure he has no guilt or need to face any consequence for his actions. It frees him from responsibility or liability. His get out of jail free card. He uses it rather indiscriminately and rather sociopathically as well. It’s his answer to everything. There are no morals or ethics when he uses it. He’s going to use it on children. That bothers me. It’s like, the kids are getting in his way of getting to Sookie, so they’re going to get glamoured. As long as Sookie’s going to be okay, it will justify glamouring. That’s his high-handed, self-righteous view of things. There is no room for other people and what might happen to them due to his actions. It’s very selfish.

‘You heard there was a maenad in our midst.’ ‘I have.’ ‘Are you aware she’s here because of you.‘ Way to lay it all on Sam’s ass. And because this is all Sam’s fault, Bill is a total hero for looking past Sam’s responsibility in this and helping him.‘I need you and Sookie needs you to make this right.’

‘If I thought it was as easy as giving myself up to Maryann, I would’ve done that by now. And what’s to say she’s gonna stop at me?’ Good question Sam, but Bill is into trying out recipes as much as Maryann is.

‘Killers don’t just suddenly stop killin’. You ought to know that.’ You don’t know how well, Sam. You don’t know how well…The body count on True Blood so far by Bill is…Mack and Denise Rattray, Uncle Bartlett, Longshadow…and that was since he vowed to be such an upstanding person…

‘Standing by idly is not an option either You must come with me. […] I’m not sure I’m giving you a choice.’ That’s just lovely. This is like the Season 2 finale of Lost…Jack knows it’s a trap, he knows Michael is suspect, but nope, doesn’t tell anyone else.

And now for the most ridiculous part of the episode! Egg licking!

‘Okay, what is with the egg? Did you lay it?’ We were all wondering that, thanks.

No, silly, it’s an ostrich egg, it represents fertility.’ That’s just great…So it was the most obvious thing ever…

‘Anoint it with the blood.’ ‘You’re the maid of honour, you have to lick the egg.’ LOL, most ridiculous, hilarious line ever, but hey…I still love bridezilla.

Going against her strong moral inclinations, Sookie licks the egg.

Outside, Bill is hauling Sam through the crowd. How come they noticed Jason and Andy right away, but not Bill and Sam? I mean, Sam is supposed to be the stupid vessel in all of this and has an APB on his likeness…

Jason and Andy run into the house after Maryann licks the egg! The vessel has arrived!

Sookie can’t believe that Jason has succumbed…but all Jason notices is that Sookie looks beautiful. That’s because neither Bill nor herself picked her outfit.

It’s time for the wedding, but Sookie will take no part in it.

‘You, you’re the brother? Maybe I could kill you.’ Oops. Jason is soo into it! Sookie concedes. Maryann charges Jason with making sure Sookie behaves herself.

And if you ruin Maryann’s special day, Jason will break your arm.

It’s time for the wedding!

It just makes me LOL that Andy is holding up her train with a broken arm…lol.

Laffy is a bridesmaid too! LOL.

STOP THE WEDDING! I have the sacrifice! He offers Sam in exchange for Sookie.

Sookie is SOOO not into hostage exchange. Duh. Goes to show how well Bill knows her…Duh, she’ll kill him!

Too bad Sam knows that she won’t stop with him. Maryann tells Jason to give Sookie to the dead man, she’s served her purpose. I guess Sookie isn’t so special anymore…Interesting phrasing again…dead man. Foreshadowing? I’m not saying Bill will die…but maybe a change of perspective on Sookie’s part making him metaphorically dead to her?

‘Bill, you can’t let her kill Sam!’ ‘I’m sorry, this is the only way.’ He sounds really sad about that too…Honestly, Bill sounded less than upset he had to put Sam up…

‘Get her out of here! I won’t have her watch me die.’ But does Bill do it? No. It’s almost like he wants Sookie to watch Sam die or possibly die. It seems rather vindictive and spiteful, like Bill really wants to get a suitor out of the way and punish Sookie for it too. I mean, he’s got vampire super speed, he could get Sookie away and come back in seconds. It’s not impossible, but no, he makes her stay and it endangers her even more.

Aww…they have a loving moment…and Whoa! Manhands!

‘This is what your vampire source told you to do? To give up Sam?’ ‘Sucky, you have to trust me.’ Yeah…I wouldn’t trust him either…but then I like taking agency into my own hands.

And the ceremony begins… ‘The god with horns! Worship him, bitches!’ LOL.

Tara puts the egg in the nest and Maryann starts off going ‘Hail Dionysus, Bacchus..etc.’ ‘The offering symbolizes the rebirth of our god. When he was a child, the jealous titans ripped him to shreds, eating all but his heart, and this last piece was saved by his sister, Palesephina (sp?), who placed it into the womb of his mother so he could be reborn.’ Oh, because pulling a fetus out of his mom’s womb and then sewing it into Zeus’ thigh for him to gestate to term isn’t as weird…Interesting that Bacchus is like another Jesus figure. It parallels the FOTS arc nicely.

‘Oh great mother, soon you shall have the heart that will make your egg grow fertile and your son, our bull horned god, will stand in your place.’ Here we go!

And now poor Sam is strapped to the stand/pyre thingy. ‘At last, at long, long last, he’s your’s my lord.’

Sookie is still protesting the union, but no one cares.

‘Your lucky Sam, it’s everyone’s wish to have their life mean something. So few ever get to realize it.’ Oh great, your meaning in life is to die.

‘Come on! Do it already!’ LOL, the mob grows restless.

‘Sam, use your gift!’ ‘Sookie, use yours.’ Why did she need Bill to tell her to use her powers? Seriously? Does she not have her own thoughts in her brain? I’m rather tired of the portrayal of Sookie without identity or independence…

Get ready for it! Because you have to stab dramatically at weddings, duh.

Whoa, watch him twist that sucker. Asshole.

SAM!’ At least someone cares if Sam dies…unlike everyone else…

Apparently the phallic blade covered with blood is the real deal for Maryann.

‘He is the vessel! My lord, he will unite us.’ She is sooo fanatic about this…interesting…

Sam calls Sookie to him and using her telepathy, she hears Sam’s order to destroy everything. Why couldn’t Bill do that? Why does Sookie have to do it? And why couldn’t Bill tell her to do it? I mean, it’s not like Maryann has superhearing and she’s more focused on the wedding than anything else…C’mon! In fact, why does Sookie need to be ordered to destroy everything?

And now Sookie goes off and smashes the egg as a distraction while Sam sucks down his blood…One ostrich fails to see the light of day…sigh…Ostrich killer! There could have been a waaay better distraction…this is ridiculous. It is such a stupid plan. There’s no guarantee that anything would work, sure, they pulled it off by luck, but it was luck alone…And of course, because the egg never had any significance anyway, it’s smashed, just like that. TB kinda sucks at the OMGWTF!POLARBEAR…

NOOOOOO!!! She killed the sacred egg! You’re the only people who care…FFS.

It’s not sacred! None of it is, it’s evil!’ What? The egg is Rosemary’s baby? Evil is sooo relative. Also, it is through ritual that we make something sacred. Look around you, big fat ritual…it’s sacred. Hey, I studied anthropology…

And now Sookie pushes down the meatpole with her special Glow Hands…Why couldn’t Bill do it? And why did she need Glow Hands to do it in the first place? All you need is force and leverage…sheesh.

‘How dare you spoil my offering!’ OH NOES! HERE COMES BRIDEZILLA!

‘Lord Dionysus, forgive me. Allow me to sacrifice all of them for you.’ Good going, Sookie. Remember the dolphins…she stole their vocal chords.

It hurts us! Well…except Sookie. She’s immune to the farting whoopee cushion noise…

‘You’re hurting them!’ ‘*You* brought this upon everyone!’ Blame Sookie!

Bridezilla Angry!

The claws are out!

My, doesn’t this look familiar…It parallels two scenes in the series thus far…when Gran died and suddenly her issues with Bill went *poof* and when the maenad chased her in Ep. 3 this season lol.

‘BILL!’ Again? Ugh. Give me Echo already, she may be a total ditz, but at least she can do kung fu…

The maenad is ready to strike…but wait! But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

OMG! It’s Dionysus, the Greek god who comes and takes shape in an Indian bull! It is a pretty bull though. Gotta say. Wasn’t Zeus the white bull? He impregnated a few chicks as a bull, if I remember correctly…

It’s love at first sight! Like we don’t have enough of that on this show…

This was a really beautifully filmed moment. Oh look, it really is a boy. ‘Oh my love, we’re together at last!’ Poor delusional, Maryann…

Oh love, it’s so complicated. She was gored just like that dude on TV at the Running of the Bulls in Spain…

‘My god, I’m the one to be sacrificed?’ Maryann surrenders herself to this… ‘I am the vessel, yes. I’m happy to die. I’m yours!’

Sam pulls out her still beating heart. That was very Mystique.

‘Was there no god?’ Oh Maryann, you’re only about 500 years too late for the Enlightenment and the Renaissance…

Oh look, Longshadow will have a ghost bride!

And the townsfolk are back to normal again!

Sam gets some naked action. Sookie hugs him all glad that he’s alive. But Sam, Maryann killed you! No, she almost did…

Of course Bill comes stumbling in all Wounded Action Hero (TM). Oh look, there’s Sam’s clothes.

‘Is it…is she gone?’ ‘I think so.’ ‘Is Sam alright? He had to drink more of me than expected.’ ‘He’s okay.’So will Sam have hot sex dreams about Bill now? I just find what Bill did interesting…Certainly, it saved the town, but it also has one other convenient advantage for him, by using mass quantities of his blood. He now has a way to influence Sam, who is another potential suitor for Sookie away from her. Someone who, by the looks of things, is going to be a bit more forceful from now on about going after what he wants in life. This finale was basically a big huge Bill cockblock for the other suitors…

‘I promised Sam I would heal him. We knew no other way of destroying her…’ UGH. Schmoop begone! And you thought Eric was dramatic with the silver bullets in him…Ugh…‘Shh…I understand.’ ‘I’m so sorry I worried you. I so badly wish you could hear my thoughts.’ Umm…no you don’t. If Sookie ever did, you’re fucked, Bill.

‘Sam you were willing to die for us.’ Yes, Sam is the real hero in this story. And he thanks Bill for not letting that happen, because Lord knows, we all have to realize that Bill is TEH HERO. But anyway, Sam was ready to die, if it happened. Aww. Love you Sammy!

LOOKIE! Jason and Tara stumble upon The Corpse Bride! In death, her heart is kamehameha’d out just like her victims. Poetic. RIP, Maryann. I see the destruction of Gran’s wedding dress in one way…Sookie will never have a normal life, she’ll never have the life that includes a regular marriage.

Yes, Jason, you guys got her. You can now sing ‘Ding dong, the witch is dead!’ all over the yard.

Sookie hugs Tara, luckily, she can’t remember anything. NOW Sookie takes initiative, she tells Bill to get rid of the body…Let’s face it, he really is the best one for the job…what with the practice and all that. She charges Jason and Sam with getting everyone home. The story of what happened will be given at a later date. Sorry!

Sookie tries to soothe Tara that it’s all over…but Tara don’t think so! Tara would be right!

Back at the Fortenberrys’ , Hoyt is just glad his mom is okay again.

She’s confused. The last thing she remembers is meeting Jessica…in less than PC language…lol.

Maxine discovers that she’s been bitten…or marked by aliens with no recollection…y’know. Hoyt, I can’t believe you let a vamp feed on your mom and chose her over your own mother! Bad, Hoyt!

Hoyt explains that he didn’t, that he brought her straight home and hasn’t talked to Jess since. Oh Hoyt…big mistake. Oh and Maxine, Jess doesn’t attack innocent people! YOU provoked HER.

But it’s all okay! It wasn’t Maxine, she said a bunch of things she had no control over that she didn’t mean! Oh you know…spiteful things about Jess, your son, oh and dad…Lies about how he shot himself.

And the truth comes out! Maxine has been keeping a secret for years! It wasn’t a burglar. ‘You’re nearly 30, you should know the truth.’ Oh Maxine, too little, too late.

‘I shoulda known the truth when I was TEN! Or hell, when I was 25. All these years, you keep me here, you keep me from moving out, keep me from going to college, from anything, ’cause you scared some burglar that never existed!’ Aww, poor Hoyt. His conflict with his mother is truly something I think everyone can relate to with their parents or children.

Hoyt is all Maxine’s got left. She had to hang onto him.

‘You lied to me…for 18 years. Just ’cause you didn’t wanna be alone. Instead of an actual person, you…You know what I wish? Mama, I wish that Jessica had finished you off.’ Another thing Hoyt will regret saying…but you know…Maxine should have let him go. The longer she waited, the worse it got, kinda like chicken pox.

And now Maxine has completely ruined her relationship with her son. And she’s left with her worst nightmare by holding onto him like she did instead of letting him go and letting him come back to her.

Arlene is freaking out over why Coby and Lisa aren’t picking up…Where the hell did she find a cellphone? It’s nice to see that she’s a good mom…Jason offers to give her a ride home so she can be with her kids.

Meanwhile, Jane Bodehouse cries bloody murder over her stupid finger…How on earth did she find her finger in the meatpole anyway? That was pretty random. My suspension of disbelief has failed…

Oh Jason, she’s missing a finger not a leg, she can walk fine LOL. He tells Arlene that the finger gets priority over driving her home…Oh well.

Bud tells Andy that he’s reinstating him to cop in the morning. Why? He’s got a big mess to clean up and he can’t do it alone…and Andy has his faults…but at least he’s got his pants on. LOL. And Andy is NEVER drinking again.

Aww…in the bushes, Sam spots Bambi. It’s okay…you did right by Daphne’s advice…you revealed who you were to those that care about you. It’s all good.

*Hugs Sam*

Bill thanks Sam for trusting him with his life, because it couldn’t be easy. Again…it’s so obviously telling us that we’re supposed to see Bill as a good guy, it’s nauseating. How about some subtlety? Would that be too much to ask? I happen to have a brain and happen to use it…Sam’s all, well Sookie’s safe, so you got what you wanted. Sam’s right about Bill there. ‘You wanted it too.’ LOL, Oh Bill, you are not altruistic at all…don’t sell yourself to be selfless just because another person wants what you want…

Well, Sookie is family to Sam…and everyone else. Bill can’t say the same. Sam wasn’t only discriminately saving Sookie, he was also saving Coby and Lisa and everyone else in Bon Temps. He cares about his entire community, not just one blond waitress.

Bill is grateful that Sam revealed his gift for the sake of the town…but when his facial expression doesn’t change, I don’t buy his sincerity…Sam can’t say no to save his family if there was a way.

‘It took me this long to realize that it makes you suffer a lot more hiding something than you do if you face up to it.’ OOOH! ANVIL! Think Bill will listen to Sam? My guess? Nope. Sam has come out and open, revealing who he really is, his real face, but Bill hasn’t. Sam isn’t just talking about himself…he’s talking about Bill too. That’s the parallel. Bill hides his real face from Sookie. He isn’t open or honest. He’s hiding Hadley from her and again, keeping another secret. There is no trust between him and Sookie. Of course, that’s not all he’s hiding…he’s hiding his life before Sookie, because Sookie can’t see him as anything other than the saint, the white knight, the hero or the good guy. Her perception of him is what the relationship is built on and he fosters that image of himself because he gets to see the vision of himself he wants to see.

Furthermore, loving Sookie does not make Bill a better person or human being. He cares ONLY about Sookie. He’s only become more selfish. All he cares about is him and his world, population 2. He has not demonstrated humanity. It’s one thing to risk your life, but another’s? Humanity is minimizing impact. He’s just lucky Sam survived and his half-assed plan worked.

In the kitchen, Eggs is washing the blood off his hands, but they won’t come off. How very Lady Macbeth…he wants to know where Crazyann is, so he can find out what happened.

She tells him how Sookie used her powers to help her remember what was lost…but she wishes she could lose it all over again. Well, she just fucked up Eggs. Oops. He know has his method to find out…There are things that Eggs just does not want to know. Besides, everything’s in the past. It doesn’t matter! Funny how the past really DOES matter…Can’t they just start fresh?

There’s blood under Eggs’ fingernails…guess not.

Sookie comes in and asks where Bill is before taking notice that neither Eggs nor Tara is okay…Nice.

Tara apologizes for bringing all the mess into Sookie’s house. She did it because she felt like she was part of something and got sucked in. Funny how both Jason and Tara got sucked into a cult. Tara has a crush on Jason…they’re both important to Sookie. Cults were the theme this year…One masked in light, one masked in darkness.

Tara felt like she had a family…but don’t you see Tara, Sookie’s family. Gonna need more evidence…but whatever floats your boat. Sookie hasn’t exactly been there for Tara much.

Tomorrow they are going to clean everything that Maryann touched…and oh eww! Mike Spencer is still lying on the floor! I won’t show it to you guys lol…

Sookie knocked him out, but Tara will now wake up Mike and allows Sookie to go upstairs…WTF? It’s Sookie’s fault Mike is down for the count…and Maryann sucked Tara in and preyed on her…Sure, she could have fought back…but I don’t get why Sookie doesn’t have to deal with the consequence of her actions…No…she’s given a blank slate to go off and schmoop with Bill. Seriously, that girl needs to be taken down a few pegs, take a hard fall and fast. The self-righteousness is aggravating…

Because there are 41 minutes until sunrise, Sookie gets Bill to hold her for 40. I am going into diabetic shock and OD’ing off corn syrup. UGH. I think looking catatonic works for what Sookie has been through…but there’s no relief that she’s in the arms of someone she loves after her tribulations on her face…nor is there really a visceral connection I sense between them…they feel more like bodies holding each other, I don’t get the emotional punch from them…and that should have been conveyed in the embrace…They are feeling more forced by the episode. Stop forcing BS down our throats!

‘Well, I certainly never expected anything like that to happen here.’ Oh Charlaine…That cameo kinda did nothing lol. And isn’t that an interesting line for the author of the book series from which the TV show is based to saw? Like she never expected anything like this from this version of her universe…like, it’s off its axis. Although this little ditty might as well have said ‘My name is Charlaine Harris and I approve of this TV show.’ Yeah…political endorsement.

Tara thanks Sam for opening up…Given everything that happened last night, she wouldn’t have blamed him if he didn’t. Sam says that the people need something familiar. But the bar is called Merlotte’s…Only, to Sam, this is everyone’s bar. Awww. Merlotte’s is just a name. That was an interesting line and then Sam going ‘That doesn’t say anything about me, does it?’ Yes, it does, you’re a shifter…so taking on a thousand different identities…who are you really?

Coby and Lisa tell Arlene that everything’s okay and they forgive her. Besides, everything was fine, Sam kept them company and he took them to see vampires! Eric was fuckawesome! He could fly! Arlene is a little worried, but she feels more guilty that she wasn’t there…because she’s family and Sam isn’t. She swears that from now on, she’ll be the best mom in the world.

Terry vows to take care of Arlene at work, if the kids look out for her at home, that way they’ll tall take care of each other! Awwwww! Love Terry.

Coby asks her if she’s seen Rene when she was away. LOL.

‘Ahh…no, I think he’s still on his vacation.’ LOL. Terry’s shirt is like a Catch-22. I LOVE it.

‘Yup. I’m pretty sure he’s dead.’ Coby agrees. LOL.

FYI, the aliens did it. Maryann Forrester rhymes with Martian Foreigner. WOO! Pass the Kool-Aid and the tin foil hats! That’s why no one can remember anything.

But no…Maryann was an agent of the EVIL pharmaceutical companies and the liberal media! She put LSD in the water supply as a mind control experiment. Bon Temps, Louisiana is an AWFUL far distance from McGill University…just sayin’!

This is why she sticks to Mountain Dew. PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Don’t worry, Coke has their own product placement too. True Blood is playing BOTH sides and remaining neutral, like Switzerland.

The real reason why no one remembers? A vodka distillery that shut down was putting pure ethanol in its bottles…Duff McKagan was sooo on that trip for his blackout year…The Mountain Dew was a good choice…

‘Hit me! Everyone been acting so crazy, I forgot how STUPID they were.’ Oh Laffy.

For some reason, Laffy reminded me of Rob Halford in that outfit. Rob gave metal all the leather and studded outfits by being influenced by the gay subculture in the clubs and sex stores. And he would know because the biggest open secret he had with fans is that he’s gay. He came out in the 90s.

He scary as fuck though. When he comes out…it’s scary. (Yes, I know the cover of ‘Shout At the Devil’ is epically lame…but wait for Rob to come out, or just skip to 2:45. He creeps in there and it’s like…whoa.)

‘Sook, I feel for you the most.’ ‘What why?’ ”Cause you know what happened and you gotta carry the burden o’ that.’ I really love how insightful Laffy is. He always sees things and it’s blended with everything from his faboulousness to his survivor/entrepreneurial stuff. ‘I mean, I’m thrilled I gotta choice and I don’t ever wanna know. Shit, don’t tell me nothin’, even if I beg for it.’ It’s here that Laffy gives the motif of the importance of knowing or not knowing something after Hoyt. Would you rather know you had six months to live or didn’t?

‘I don’t think it’s healthy for a fucker to know everything. It’s like knowing what’s in a sausage. Just eat it. Shit, enjoy it.’ Otto Von Bismarck said there are two things people should never see being made. Sausage and politics. lol.

Because no one cares about Jane’s finger or Jane, we now find out that her finger is sewn back on because she has great bone structure. Never mind that limbs die after being severed for a short amount of time. That’s why you ICE them. Hell, sometimes you can’t reattach them. Rick Allen would have loved for the world to work like True Blood…She thinks a gator bit it off…

‘It wasn’t no gator and you weren’t down at the lake. I saw you pull that finger out of a giant statue of meat. Just like I saw you getting it from behind by Mike Spencer.’ Oh Andy…Well, I guess everyone’s just pretending nothing happened. Just like they all pretend Sookie’s just crazy.

‘Oh Andy, whatever you’re drinking we all want some of that…’

‘It’s Diet Coke with Lime!’ That is an actual Coke product LOL. See, I told you they didn’t exclude Coke. Hell, Coke got their marquee product on the show…Coke. Coca-cola, first China, then True Blood.

Andy is upset because first everyone thought he was a drunken fool, but now that they don’t, they can’t face it. Irony. Drunk dude was right.

‘Let it go, Bubba.’ Nice Easter Egg. We should all let go of any hope of ever seeing Bubba on True Blood. Just let it go, people. LOL. ‘Look, you and me both know that we saved her and everybody else. We heroes to this town.’

‘What!? They don’t remember anything. We don’t remember everything. How does that make us heroes?’ How indeed. lol.

Jason thinks they gotta be because their goals were accomplished…even if they didn’t do it. LOL. She’s gone and everyone’s okay…they must have done something right. LOL. OH Jason.

‘In my book, if no one knows we’re heroes, it doesn’t count.’ ‘Of course it counts! It’s like if a tree falls in the woods, it’s still a tree ain’t it?’ LOL. Being a hero is not about doing it for glory or girls…Jason’s got that right Andy.

It’s okay, you’ve still got your Coke with Lime.

Sam says it’s strange to see Sookie working again…well, that’s because she’s worked what? 2 days this season? He wants to know if she can look after things because he has to go somewhere for a few days. Sookie wants to know why…but Sam dodges by telling her that last night was hard on him too. Let’s face it, Sookie has chronic ‘ME’ Syndrome.

Sookie doesn’t have the words to thank Sam…but Sam doesn’t want the credit. Nor does he want people to know. Such a difference from Andy, Jason and Bill too. He doesn’t need to be a hero. Sookie wishes everyone knew how special Sam is. I really like the Sam/Sookie friendship. Why did it take so long to make Sookie’s makeup look good? I think she needs more Eric blood, Bill blood makes everyone look horrible, even Bill. I fear for Sam next season!

Meanwhile, Autumn brings Sookie a package from a ‘classy admirer.’ My classy admirer would not classlessly punch a guy when his dad is about to commit suicide…but that’s just me! Did you seriously think the package was from Eric? This *is* True Blood, lol.

Sookie asks Sam if she can have a minute, and Sam allows it.

Oh look, Sookie got a dress.

I find Bill’s writing strange for some guy who was around in the 1800s…but I digress, the size of his ‘I’s are more conspicuous…Are they trying to tell us something…like the size of Bill’s ego…overcompensation? And as someone in the comments pointed out. Either in 41 minutes, Bill was somehow able to get a dress, a card, a ring and a French restaurant reservation…really? I just think he decided to make a reservation with the Bleeds going on you know…’I’M GETTING THE FUCKING BLEEDS AND I WILL FUCKING PAY YOU AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF MONEY TO BOOK YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING RESTAURANT. NOW MAKE IT FUCKING HAPPEN!’

Eggs interrupts. He’s gotta know! He begs Sookie. He’s got blood on his hands. He wants to know what happened. He’s paid for the crimes of his past…He can’t live with himself not knowing what he did.

Sookie can’t promise it will work. After all, last time she had Bill with her and she can’t do anything without Bill’s presence. It’s the worst handicap a person can have, let me tell you…Next thing you know, Sookie will get a little sign over her rear view mirror in her car so she can get handicapped parking…

Sookie concedes and tells Eggs to go back to his first blackout. Thank God her eyebrows grew back…she looked garish in the beginning of the season…

Eggs remembers having fun with Maryann in the car…she’s taking him somewhere…then it’s a blank…but Sookie tells him to concentrate…

Illogically, Eggs’ first blackout is from Miss Jeanette. I was under the impression that it had been happening sooner and that he’d been running with Maryann for longer…Miss Jeanette’s other gig with the BSG costar is waaaay better. You are sooo not the vessel…Oops. And now Eggs remembers killing them all!

Sookie tries to tell Eggs that it wasn’t him. He had no free will…but Eggs won’t listen. He’s the one that killed them and cut out their hearts! Sookie asserts that Maryann used him, but Eggs tells her that his hands did it.

Eggers runs off and Sookie can’t do anything.

Jessica tries to sneak out of the house, but Bill notices her and compliments her? Really? Am I in the Twilight Zone? And by Twilight Zone…I mean Twilight. Because the believability of this scene is zero…It’s like Bill is being nice to Jess for no other reason that it will make things with Sookie easier…There is an ulterior motive…

Bill asks if she’s going to see Hoyt and Jessica dodges…after all, Bill is going to see Sookie, he’s got no room to speak and this is just plain weird!

Bill is just used to the guy going to the girl’s home to court her, but times change…but not as much as you would think. And paisley…Ugh…He looks so 70s/80s in that suit…or like he’s going to a job interview. Bill notices that Maxine is gone and wishes Jessica a nice time.

Before Bill leaves, Jessica confesses that she and Hoyt had a fight…but she’s going to go and make an apology now. Bill tells her that Hoyt would be a fool not to accept. He really would…

Just where is Bill taking Sookie? To a French restaurant, he hasn’t been to one in over 70 years. Not since he was attempting to learn a French accent to kill Chicago elites and steal all their money…but y’know…But y’know…humans like to go to them to celebrate.Very calculated…

Jess tells Bill to be back by five…Bill tells her to be back by four…Oh he’s gonna miss curfew…

Meanwhile, Sam meets his mom, his adoptive mom that abandoned him…

They cut out all the pictures with Sam in them, because it would be hard to explain to friends that they never had kids…y’know?

‘We never thought we’d see you again.’ ‘Never say never when there’s the Internet.’ LOL.

Sam’s mom can’t give him a good explanation for why they did what they did, but she and Mitchell still don’t know what they saw that night.

‘You saw me turn into a dog and apparently that was worth abandoning me over. So for the next 19 years, I made sure no one knew who I was.’ Yep, parents have a HUGE influence on their kids and we once again see people who see something, but refuse to face it.

Mom apologizes, but an apology isn’t what Sam is here for. He wants to find out who they adopted him from, he wants to find his parents.

His mom is reluctant to tell him. Not only did she swore secrecy to them, Sam does not want to meet them. They’re bad people. ‘I guess you know a thing or two about that.’ Pretty much. It’s all relative. A beeping interrupts them.

Dad is hooked up to machines and confined to bed…Hmm…Karma?

He gives Sam a note and a clue.

Hoyt shows up at Bill’s house, calling for Jessica, but he gets no reply. What’s going on?

Jessica has officially gone all after school special at a truck stop. Mima says she’s gone Rogue. Just replace Alberta with Bumfuck, LA. (There’s a oil sands, but not cage boxing up in Ft. McMurray to my knowledge…) I blame Bill for his negligence and driving Jessica to hate herself. He took an interest in her too little, too late. And when you treat a kid like dirt and then show some candy, they still know the dirt. They’re not dogs.

Before they go any further, Jess has something to tell the driver, she’s a virgin.

‘That’s okay. I’ll be gentle with you. In fact, I kinda like it.’ Oh Jess, what are you doing? Go back to Hoyt!

‘Really? I don’t like it one bit.’ Jess drains the fucker! And just like that, Bill has created a Lorena. A vampiress who will roam the night looking for that one guy that will show her kindness and decency and cling onto him like Maxine and drive him to hate himself too…There goes Bill’s cycle of hate again.

Poor Hoyt has nothing to do but leave the flowers and go home.

At the French restaurant, a hostess with a REAL French accent shows them to their table…

We find out that Bill has rented out the entire French restaurant. ‘The sight of you is not something I wish to share with others tonight.’ Could he come off any creepier, controlling and possessive?

And because Sookie is SOOO naive…she doesn’t see through the gesture, she doesn’t see through the clothes, the fancy restaurant, the date…it’s all a big fat show to make her susceptible to his will. Thought manipulation…like he said in Episode 10. She doesn’t see that she’s being controlled and manipulated and bought. Bill is a sneak, a lying sneak. This reminds me a LOT of “The Passionate Shepherd to His Love” by Christopher Marlowe. Let’s just say that this poem has ALWAYS rubbed me the wrong way because it’s all ‘Come with me and be my love’ and I’ll give you all these material objects to win your love! Did you know that Christopher Marlowe was secret agent man 1590? He was Queen Elizabeth I’s spy… QEI was also a redhead…Appropriate no?

‘I would love nothing more than to see you happy, it’s really quite selfish.’ I hate Bill’s words to Sookie, because they feel like nothing more than lines used to hoodwink her. And Bill STILL has bad taste. That lavender/lilac dress looks HORRIBLE on Sookie. With the bleached blond hair and spray tan, the colour just clashes. It would work if Anna were still pale and dark haired…but she’s not…so everything together just makes you go ‘Argh! My eyes!’ The dress would have been MUCH better in another colour…a deep colour. Pastels just clash with her skin tone and her hair colour. In fact, Sookie looks like she’s in a horrible bridesmaid dress. Oh look, she gets to be a bridesmaid twice in one episode.

And now they schmoop…what else can do at a restaurant besides look at Sookie? Why he can fill up dead air and dance with Sookie! The dance does absolutely NOTHING. There was NO point to it. There is no chemistry, which makes it worse…They’re like an old married couple. The magic is gone. And they soo don’t put this music on at French restaurants…but when you rent out the entire place, you get music privileges apparently. Couldn’t they have filled up the dead air with something like Eric and Pam playing checkers or Pam going out to Monroe as E’s personal shopper?

Once again, everything takes place at Andy’s car…it’s a fucking hellmouth. Eggs brings the murder weapon. He’s a killer. You just have to lock him up. How very Hurley. I guess the egg will hatch and become the Hurley bird…Speaking of which…Bill sees Eggs at the wedding and the next thing you know he’s proposing to Sookie…How very Jack. No, getting engaged will NOT solve your problems…

Andy asks Eggs to calm down so they can talk about it…but he won’t listen. ‘It’s a murder weapon, you dumb fuck!’ He used it on them all. He blames himself, even though he was under Maryann’s spell.

He throws Andy to the ground and confesses exactly what he did. But there is no mens rea…so it’d never hold up in court…Oh Eggs. But throwing Andy to the ground and waving  a knife around is a deadly mistake.

Annnnd Eggs is dead. Thank God. No more boredom, time sucking Eggs!

And Jason is the killer, how ironic. Tara’s crush kills her boyfriend. Jason is so in over his head. He’s never killed anyone before.

Andy contaminates evidence and tells Jason to go. He didn’t see anything. Well, Tara now has another mindfucked dude to deal with. And now Jason knows the consequence of acting and not thinking…

The bar patrons run out wondering what happened. Andy explains that he has found the killer, having received a confession and now has the murder weapon. The suspect was coming after him and he defended himself.

Tara cries over Eggs’ body…but we’re like…This is SOOO NARM! Looks like Mommy was right…God, we never bought their relationship anyway.

Sookie is SOOO pleased with her date. She doesn’t know what could make it better! Wow, look at the stars from the lighting match the stars in her eyes!

But Bill has just the thing, plane tickets to Burlington, Vermont…Why would they go to Vermont? Why! It’s a package deal! Would the queen be pleased with Bill taking Sookie away from Louisiana into Vermont? I don’t know about you, but that’s out of her jurisdiction and I doubt she’d be happy about Bill taking away an asset…Bill’s loyalty really IS suspect, hence why she’s sending Eric after him. He’s also very irrational.

One quickie engagement coming right up! And the collective audience soured and went WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WERE THEY THINKING? Even with that thing with Hugo in Episode 6 and her convo with Eric in the dream sequence, this is utterly ridiculous.

‘Miss Stackhouse, will you do the honour of being my wife?’ Ummm…seriously? I guess that’s why they’re going to VT…It is clear that Bill is proposing to Sookie due to her waning attentions and his need to control and possess her at all costs. That is a ring of desperation. It’s about ownership, not love. Or even trust. Bill clearly doesn’t trust Sookie, or else he would have told her about his latest secret, Hadley, but nope, Sooks is still in the dark. Not only that, he’s extremely threatened by Eric. He wants to marry Sookie so that Eric can’t get her. He’s trying to trap Sookie into marriage first. He’s really showing that he is a product of his times. The ring is a leash. Bill is taking Sookie away from Louisiana and away from Eric. It’s NO coincidence that less than 24 hours after he has secured a cockblock from Eric, that he is proposing to Sookie, so that she can’t go to him. He saw that opening for Eric and is now attempting to close it off. It demonstrates nothing but his insecurity, in himself and in the relationship. And to throw an engagement after Eggs gets his head blown off? It does nothing but show us how horrible this relationship is and how bad the timing is. Bill knew that Eric was vulnerable, and took advantage of it, because he can’t face Eric otherwise. He knows he wouldn’t win.

‘That is, assuming last night didn’t scare you off weddings for good.’ Timing…Bill has it. Clocking rivals when their maker is about to commit suicide and now proposing marriage after a horrible event…Great…

Sookie can’t say anything…but she’s dreamed of this since she was a little girl, and in her dreams, she always says yes. But she can’t say it. Why can’t she say it? Because it’s not right and in her heart of hearts, she KNOWS it. Think about it…within 24 hours of meeting this guy, you almost die, his friends are less than nice, hell, they even die in a fire, you know this guy has killed at least four people during the TWO months you’ve known him…not to mention his chronic secret keeping…Sookie’s just not sure about this, not after all that’s happened.

She doesn’t even know if she’s fucking human! And what’s going to happen when she grows old and Bill remains the same? They’ve NEVER talked about this. Funny how the only person she’s breached this topic is with the guy she supposedly hates in a dream…rather than the guy you supposedly love? That’s your subconscious saying something…

But Bill doesn’t care about any of that! He wants Sookie just as she is…and shows an utter lack of understanding for who she is at the same time. Ironic. What Bill wants from Sookie, just as she is, is that she’s an ego prop that reflects the vision of himself that he likes best to see, that he’s good, that he’s humane. And he needs that desperately, so he’s clinging onto it with all that he can.

Sookie isn’t even sure what she is!

‘Are you saying no?’ Bill sounds an awful lot like a kid who can’t play with his favourite toy…

Sookie runs into the bathroom to clean herself up.

Remember the last time she was in front of a mirror? She was covered with blood from Bill staking Longshadow…I really think she did right when she didn’t say yes to Bill. There was too much going on. First and foremost…it was HORRIBLE timing. Not to mention, she’s SOOO not ready for marriage. They’ve known each other what? One maybe one and a half months at the most? It’s waaaaaayy too quick to do so…especially when they have SOOO many issues to sort out. They’ve already brushed so many of them under the rug. Any marriage would be a house of cards doomed to fall. In fact, all their relationship needs is a cool breeze and it’s done for.

Oh Sookie, don’t put on the ring! You do and you’re fucked!

Of course she slips it on…and smiles like an idiot. Officially fucked!

But you know what? It’s okay, the marriage WILL fail. If they even make it to the altar… There is no foundation of trust…or even love. They just have NOT proven to me that there is love between Bill and Sookie on this show. I just don’t buy it. Not only that, Sookie is BLIND. She refuses to look at Bill objectively. There are  more cracks in this relationship than there are in the Ozone layer. And BS is basically done for. They can’t continue. This is basically the last cop out. Like I said before…it’s saying something when you have a proposal 2 seasons in on a successful show with actors contracted for seven seasons…It’s desperation, the end of the line and we’re running out of ideas.

This is exactly like when Jack proposed to Kate…he needed to keep his ego prop, he needed a codependent to cling on to his life. It’s totally selfish. Bill wants to marry Sookie for selfish reasons. To keep her away from Eric at all costs. It’s like when Jason asked Lyla to marry him on Friday Night Lights. He does it out of completely selfish reasons, because he can’t let her go. He needs Lyla to hold on to his old life before he was a quadriplegic. Never mind that he’s subjecting her life to his problems. He refuses to give Lyla her own dreams or goals. He defines her by being the girlfriend of the football player once again. So when you contrast that with Tim, who lets her go, who tells Jason that he and Lyla made a mistake when they cheated on him, who encourages Lyla to say ‘Fuck you’ to all the cheerleaders who brand her a slut and go to the championships, it’s obvious who loves her and who’s just using her. (No, Eric is not Tim in this example. he doesn’t feel that way for Sookie yet…although he does recognize who she really is.) What happened to both relationships? They both fell apart and neither girl got married.

Meanwhile…YES! BILL HAS BEEN DRAGGED OFF TO THE DEPTHS OF INANIA! WOOO! It is bad when the audeince actually cheers for a character they shouldn’t cheer for to get captured… Again, it doesn’t take much for Bill to go down, just a thick silver necklace chain…Well, one thing’s for sure, it’s not Eric, the hands are too small. Since they’re in gloves, I’d say a vampire female, leaving the suspects as Lor-Lor and Pam. I’d say the culprit is Lor-Lor and E is just being released from Yahtzee Prison or just coming home from NOLA. I really do think Eric is the red herring. It’s like OMFG! Someone kidnapped Bill on such and such date! Blame Eric! Well actually, I was in NOLA playing Yahtzee with the queen, your cousin can vouch for me. OOPS! I think Lor-Lor at this point seems more plausible than Eric. That being said, they love dragging Eric through mud, it seems like? What’s one more go at it?

Sookie puts on her lipstick all proud of herself for making a snap decision that she will eventually regret and will haunt her. Naivety is fine…but could they give her a fucking brain cell?

‘Yes, Bill Compton, yes! I will marry y…you.” You are officially dead to me as a character, Sookie Stackhouse.

OH NOES! WHERE COULD BILL POSSIBLY BE? The best cliffhanger in television history? Sure, it’s become a cliche line…but… ‘We have to go back, Kate! We have to go back!’ That’s the BEST cliffhanger…This…does not come anywhere close. It assumes two things, that this is good enough to make us come back after a 9 month hiatus and that we give a fuck about Bill.

No, silly, he’s not behind you!

Yes, the last line of the entire season is ‘Bill?

I’ll see you next season…May it be better…

You know…I still have an issue with the lack of complexity and subtlety in which they choose to portray Eric and Bill. Sure, it’s done for effect to make a reversal all the more striking, but FFS, does it have to be so obvious that a fucking 2 year old would get it? I imagine their viewing audience is older than 2…By the time this reversal happens, instead of going OMFG! we’ll be going *golf clap*…

Remember how the writers and Alan Ball have said they were rushed to finish the last few scripts? Well from Episodes 11 and 12, it was fucking obvious and that is NEVER good…They may have done irrevocable damage to the show…

A heads up.

The Bloodie Awards will begin VERY soon. Most likely on Wednesday. If you have an idea for an award, and it is not listed here, please submit it via the comments and we will put it up.

I hoped you enjoyed the recap! As usual, the caps come from Marishna on LJ, black-celebration.net and myself. The gifs are from bluebear. I won’t quite be gone…so don’t worry. As I’ve said…during holidays, I’ll put up polls for which Season One episode you’d like me to recap in full during the holidays…and I’ll be putting up little Clip Shows. Not only that, we’ll have events that will go on throughout the year and the books to discuss when they come out!

See you around!

~simba_317


85 Responses to “Beyond Here Lies BullShit”

  1. […] As usual, click the picture! […]

  2. LOL this made me laugh so hard 🙂 Great job, as usual!

  3. I propose we all send a post card to Alan with this on it:
    It is bad when you give Jane Bodehouse more airtime than Pam. (or, you know, Eric)

    You know, I think I will do something to that effect. Anyone wanna join me?
    I would direct mailings to:

    Alan Ball/Your Face Here Entertainment
    C/O HBO
    2500 Broadway
    Ste. 400
    Santa Monica, CA 90404
    USA

    Or

    Alan Ball
    C/O Andrew Cannava
    United Talent Agency
    9560 Wilshire Blvd.
    Ste. 500
    Beverly Hills, CA 90212-2401
    USA

    Simba- Here via Live Journal I won’t be hurt at all if you choose to delete this. But it’s quite a catchy line, and some fan action may be effective. Studio execs aren’t dumb, they know fan approval is what keeps a show alive.

    • Melissa, thank you for the addresses. I don’t know if you know this…but we’ve got a letter writing campaign up for the site already…That being said, you have a great idea…but the last thing I want to do is for Alan Ball to get inundated with angry postcards and feel attacked. If he does feel attacked, he’s more likely to get angry or hurt and more likely to dismiss what we say than take us seriously.

      ~simba_317

      • Nope, I wasn’t aware of the letter writing campaign. That’s what I get for not poking about more!

        I certainly understand not wanting to make Alan feel as though he is getting hate mail. That was not the impression I wanted to convey, and I can see, looking at my original post, that it doesn’t look nearly as lighthearted as it sounded in my head! Evidently, I ought to cut myself off from comment making after midnight. 🙂

      • Lol. No worries.

        ~simba_317

  4. Simba you fucking ROCKED this as you always do! I started a thread on HBO TB forum about your blog, I hope you don’t mind. I’m just so in love with the way you think, and I think alot of other people will be too. Thanks for the wonderful recap! Oh and PLEASE recap the entire first season when you get a minute. Because then we will be able to keep disscussing your work during the Hiatus. Thanks again.

  5. So not to be pushy but do ya think that recaping the First season is something your intersted in doing? Cause I know all your fans would love to hear your thoughts.

  6. I think I enjoyed reading your recap more than actually watching this finale.

    And the bad, bad finale just dampened my interest enough so that the 9 month hiatus won’t be so arduous as I thought it would be. That’s just sad isn’t it… Oh well, I’ll just have to look forward to the books that are coming out. I will greatly miss Pam and Eric though! 🙂

    • I know what you mean. It’s not like the Season 3 Lost finale with ‘We have to go back, Kate! We have to go back!’ or like…any Lost finale. They know how to write finales, let me tell you. Or even a Friday Night Lights finale where you just feel so fulfilled and satisfied…

      ~simba_317

  7. Here I thought the proposal was a cheapy plot device to intensify the kidnapping. I loved your insightful posting. Bill’s controlling cr@p got on my nerves all season, and I still don’t know whether it was intentional or bad writing i.e. look how much he cares for Sookie, he doesn’t want her to get hurt when she speaks up to Eric, Nan, etc.

    I agree with the flat Eric/Bill characterizations – good and evil. I want the complexity that was present in the books; heck, even in early season 1 before Bill got up and walked in the sun.

    The finale was a big fizzle, and I set my expectations low when the preview showed everyone dressed as characters from Animal House. The glowy hand stuff seemed more like Mary Sueism – give a character a power out of nowwhere, and then it isn’t even used in a meaningful way; I hope it goes away for Season 3 considering Sookie can’t remember to use her telepathy half the time.

    Sorry for the rant, but the last three episodes really soured me on True Blood, but I did enjoy your blog.

    • “Here I thought the proposal was a cheapy plot device to intensify the kidnapping.”

      This was my first thought as well. Like they were trying to give Sookie a reason to want to find Bill when she already has one because he helped save her town and all her friends and saved Sam and blah blah blah. He’s already the good guy so why give him MORE? I’m guessing we’re going to find something out about Bill in season 3 that will make Sookie wonder about whether or not Bill is worth saving. At least this is my sincere hope.

  8. “You are officially dead to me as a character, Sookie Stackhouse.”
    No doubt about it, that felt exactly like I was watching a murder happening.
    Its amazing that, after all you’ve written I see you being more hopeful about 3th season than me. I really don’t look forward at all for Season 3. I really don’t believe they will make it better in season 3. Bill is TEH HERO. They can twist and turn all the way they want it, we already know that Bill and Sookie are meant to be together, no matter what. Cause it’s true love *rolls eyes*! Like we always knew that Jack on Lost is going to be the final hero, although he became one of the most hated characters on the show.
    Sookie is the heroin in the books, why can’t she be the one on the show?
    I disagree with you about the Bill’s intentions on the marriage purpose. Looking just at the show, I really don’t see that he wants to control her by marring her, that he has a secret agenda of some sort or that he’s afraid of Eric. I saw no connection between him and the Queen (for my biggest disappointment). All I saw was a marriage proposal. All I saw this season is that Bill and Sookie love each other and he is the hero.
    If there were hints, they were poorly played cause I didn’t got any.
    Look it this way: They have no problem on showing us things like: something is off with Maryanne in the beginning of the season, that Eric is the evil manipulative one, that hides a good heart, that something was wrong about Hugo, etc. So why didn’t we got those hints on Bill? Cause he’s the victim of circumstances: poor Bill that was turned against his will by Lorena, poor Bill that asks Sookie to marry him and gets kidnapped…He’s the hero!
    Poor us that had to suck on this!
    There is just one thing that still gives me hope about Sookie changing her heart about Bill, but I won’t write it anywhere (you actually got it on this recap) cause all the things that Eric fans asked before season 2 started, didn’t happened. So why risk it on loosing that shred of hope now?
    And yes, Melissa, how dare them to give Jane Bodehouse more airtime than Pam! I wish I was living on the USA now, so I could write those letters, but I’m watching the show illegally.
    Oh yes, and I really spread the word about how True Blood was great until this 3 last episodes. I’ve stopped. I don’t care anymore if the TV’s on my country are buying or not this show.

    • ITA about Bill’s proposal. Simba is being optimistic (bless you Simba) in attributing anything even remotely complex about Bill/Sookie. Depressing, yes, but I think AB just finds the couple charming and views them w/starry eyes.

      • LOL. When I looked at it in that light…it did make me a lot less pissy than I initially was…but hey…lol. Plus, there was the added experience of having two WTF engagements under my viewing belt lol.

        ~simba_317

  9. Heya Simba, great re-cap as always… I was searching around for news of Season 3, and i found the interview with Alan Ball, that you have no doubt read already, and i wanted to throw something back to you to get your feedback on something that could quite possibly be the “show-killer”… (well, atleast it will be for me)… From Entertainment Weely…

    “Speaking of which, are you surprised at how passionate the Sookie/Eric fans are?
    BALL: Yes. I try not to get involved in that because it just sort of — it’s too confusing. I don’t want it to influence what the show is. Personally, I’m like, yes, Eric’s hot, but beyond that he’s dangerous, and I don’t know if he’d love anybody besides himself. What’s the appeal there? The bad boy? The danger?”

    I’m disturbed by this response from AB, because he supposedly read the books, and it seems that he has written Eric similarly in the TB series, how can he not see Eric is capable of love? I’m not sure he has even been directing the same series we have all been watching???? The writers showed Eric capable of love, loyalty etc with his interaction with Godric, so how can he be so … blind? I’m so frightned that AB is going to turn Eric back into a black and white Bad Boy character, incapable of anything other then being a bad guy, and completely disregard all depth and emotion built in Dallas. After there being no acknowledgment of what Sookie and Eric shared on the rooftop in the final 3 episodes of this season, I can’t help but feel that Eric is back to being Boring Bad Guy Eric. I’m at a loss. And as we are all aware about Lorena being the kidnapper from the books, and ABs apparent lack of interest in showing anymore depth to Eric’s character, i do wonder whether they will write in some level of involvement of Eric’s character too. What do you think? Am i overreacting? Cheers

    • Foliage that article was actually addressed here on the blog last week
      [url]http://wp.me/pvduV-fg[/url]

      hope i linked that right 🙂

    • Well…AB came out with an interview within HOURS of the EW one…from Televisionary…where he said that the depth and sensitivity they showed in Eric this season was INTENTIONAL…because how else would Sookie see him as a viable romantic interest? So…

      I wouldn’t worry too much about what anybody on the show says about the show…what matters most is what we see on the screens. In fact, Damon and Carlton, the showrunners of Lost have said that the only thing they should take as canon is the TV series itself and what they say on the DVDs by way of commentary. Everything else is done to hype the show. So…

      As I’ve said before as well, AB is one mind in the writers’ room. There’s six other minds that shape the show too…Some of the allstars are Brian Buckner, Alexander Woo and Nancy Oliver…and they get Eric. That being said…AB is human and humans change their minds. For four seasons…Damon Lindelof was the Jacker…Carlton Cuse was the Sawyer fan…In Season Five…some of the most hilarious zingers on Jack came from Damon Lindelof’s mouth. Season One, this was before all Jack did was cry and yell…for example.

      ~simba_317

  10. I dont watch Lost. When you compare it to Lost all the time it makes it hard to read. 😦

    • Theresa, I feel for ya..I’m not a Lost watcher, so I get “lost” in those comparisons too…(heh, yes, cheesy pun, but it fits..)

    • Sorry…I try to include what I’m talking about when I compare it and make examples…I can always make everything in life lead back to Lost, the X-Men and The Lion King…LOL. Yes, I am a geeky fangirl at heart. 😉

      ~simba_317

      • I definattly love the X-Men analogies and the Lion King, I would probally love the Lost comparisions too if I ever watched the show Oh and I loved your Rob Halford and Laffy comparisions Judas Priest is one of my all time favorite bands.

  11. Simba, recap wonderful as usual. I always send them to a friend who emailed me asking “Are you sure YOU’RE not Simba?” LOL!

    First, one correction, cause the line was jst so funny. Maxine calls Hoyt Norman “Bates” the character from “Psycho.” LOL!

    Oh and Mountain Dew is a Coke product, so clearly they have a deal w/Coca-cola. If you remember Arlene says something about her Co-cola to Daphne at some pont.

    My favorite moment in the episode was the look of death Eric shot the Queen after she let him up off the floor. I hope I wasn’t just reading something into that. Cause if they put them in an affair I will gag. Though she was threatening enough to maybe indicate that won’t happen. (fingers crossed).

    ISA about the turnaround Bill has with Jessica? Wha? All I could figure was he was in a good mood because of the pending engagement. Otherwise it was OOC.

    Charlaines line, and the way she delivered it, just made me laugh. Hells no, nothing like that would have ever happened in her Bon Temps.

    Another favorite line/lines — God bless who ever made those jeans….I’d wear him like a scrunchie!! All of us in the room agreed we certainly would wear Sam like a scrunchie given half a chance.

    And briliant putting together the French restaurant and the flashback. In a way, it really could indicate Lorena is the kidnapper since the last time he was in a French restaurant was with her. Though I don’t want to get my hopes up….I don’t trust AB as far as I can throw him.

    • Well…that’s what you get for researching using Wikipedia…

      If they do have sex…it will be about sex…I mean…there’s nothing emotional there…it’s just hot sex. So I can’t get up in arms about it, if it does happen.

      ~simba_317

      • Yeah avoid Wiki LOL.
        There is a massive factual error on there that I’ve corrected twice and some retard keeps changing it back.
        The Wiki entry reads that Jessica is too much of a handful for Eric so Bill takes her in – out of the kindness of his heart I’m presuming?
        As her maker, Jessica is Bill’s responsibility – and he DUMPED her with Eric because HE couldn’t deal.
        That error on there bugs me to death… crazy BL’s *grumble grumble*

        Your recap is right on as usual.

  12. Another excellent review and I thank you for it. What is AB’s deal anyway? Why doesn’t he give his audience some credit and give us something deeper and more complex than “this is the hero, you must like him and never put two and two together about him” and “this is the bad guy, you must not like him and care about him in any way”? Bill bores me to death and the combination of Sookie and Bill together is lethal. AP is a much better actress when not in the company of her RL bf, but SM, sheesh, I don’t think there’s any hope for him *said with much overacted hand gesturing and overwrought angst*

    What I want for next season is it not to be entirely devoted to a distraught Sookie looking for her poor twu wuv. I’m feeling queasy already at the thought of Beel being the martyr/hero when Sookie finds that he was taken from her against his will right as they were on the brink of eternal happiness. Blech. I say we open a can of whoopass on AB if he makes Eric the one who grabs Bill.

  13. Hi Simba, I loved your recap as I’ve loved them all and I almost always find myself in total agreement with you. Just a couple of odd thoughts –

    1) I think the goddess sister would be ‘Pallas Athene’

    2) Do you think the queen’s comment about Eric’s fangs (after she had to force him to display them), was about threatening him with the same punishment the Magister handed out for drinking from another vampires human – she really is so desperate to keep Sookie in Bill’s (and her) clutches?

    • AHHHH! Pallas Athene makes sooo much more sense! I was like wracking my brain like…Palesephina…WTF? lol.

      I think yes to no. 2…I think Sookie is very important to the queen, but Bill is once again acting irrationally and not thinking clearly when he wants to marry Sookie. I just do not think he’s doing it out of romance. There were political undertones to it for me.

      ~simba_317

  14. Very fun review. I watched the finale with low expectations, and they weren’t met. Now you pointed out even more inconsistencies, it’s a complete joke, none of it made any sense, which I gladly sacrifice for the sake of fun but fun was a rare guest in the episode.

    There were a few great performances, Sam and Maryann were superb, with all the other bs going on I was almost sad to see her go, and that says a lot. But then again I never had a problem with her, just with the stupid shit that happened around her. Hoyt’s Mama was brilliant as usual, great dancing, oh and I heard her say “Norman Bates” not “Norman beast”.

    And just because you asked: Dionysus’s sister was Athena, also called “Pallas Athena”.

  15. Oh, I see someone already posted my comments while I was busy typing.
    Too slow again.

  16. I love your site and your insights! Keep it up, we’ll need 9 months worth of entertaining till TB returns.

  17. Yay, been waiting for this, to get a True Blood-like fix..even if it was a very depressing one, because of how bad that episode was. It was weird not having a show to tune into last night.*sigh*

    Sookie Stackhouse, dead as a character, I so get it. My ONLY hope for season 3 is that there will be more Eric, that he will present to her the idea she seems lost on that, hmm, Bill gave you blood almost right away, what makes you think you’re not influenced by that? In short, I want Eric to make her GROW UP. OPEN HER EYES…see herself truly, and get a grip! He could do that with one good conversation(unless she continues to be as vapid and biased as she’s been portrayed, so maybe 2 or 3 talks will have to make her see the light)…and I can’t wait to see his reaction of seeing that ring on her finger. I can imagine him being amused…silly, silly ring – silly Sookie…

    While I am curious about Sam and seeing some Weres in action, this is the draw for me, the great big hope, that Sookie will mature and see the truth about things better, and hopefully Eric will be a catalyst to this. And then maybe some sizzling chemistry will crackle between them in person, and not just in dreams, that would also be nice. OK, I can deal with fantasies/dreams too, lol, I’ll confess it. Just MORE of the awesome vamp Eric is all I want, it can only improve things.

    Also…it would be nice to still see SOME regard of the loss of Godric between them, in real life, not just her fabulous dream where she comforted Eric from the 10th episode…(which I’ve seen oh so many times, and I’m not done with it still, thanks..)Perhaps with the flashbacks of Godric being hinted at, that will happen.

    ohhh but I miss Eric already..lol…but I have a sense of dread for the future of this show, if the writers can’t keep it together and hash things out properly, rather than all this last minute mish-mash of convoluted stuff. I will wait and hope…and read books and catch YouTube clips to hold me together on my Eric fix til then.
    Thanks for all the laughs and insights, simba, you’re a treat! Will catch you later then, and look for you next season as well!

    • Thanks Dazy…My greatest hope is for Sookie to really grow up in Season Three and E to be a big part of that. I really think he will. Bill’s out of the picture and out of their hair…Eventually Sookie’s going to have to turn to Eric for help. I think they might bond going to Mississippi and have a really fun, whacked out friendship that starts leading to something…more…maybe. It’s a nice long drive to Mississippi…Maybe we’ll even see the red ‘vette.

      ~simba_317

      • It would be nice to see Sookie mature next year, but it’s a shame that it doesn’t look like TB will use Bill’s voluntary departure with Lorena as the catalyst. I think Sookie grew up a lot in book 3 having to deal with Bill’s desertion, and there was great dialog/emotional impact when she and Bill discuss his unfaithfulness towards the end of the book. Unfortunately TB’s St. Bill would NEVER cheat on Sookie.

        I’m actually wishing TB would add Joss Whedon to the list of writers. I don’t remember finding Angel annoying or his and Buffy’s dialog schmoopy, and he was the “human” vampire. Plus Whedon’s female characters were strong and interesting and didn’t need the men to tell them what to do.

      • I know, right?

        I was like…Angel was broody…but not BROODY. I liked Angel. I still like Angel!

        ~simba_317

      • I like Angel, too and that’s why it irks me when people compare Angel to Bill because they are NOT that much alike at all.

  18. *applause* Who could possibly add anything to this review, its simply perfect! Simba, you rock!

    Of course, I have to make a comment on the “queen scenes”. *shudders* AS’s acting was fantastic, I love his subtle nuances, the passion in his voice. That man’s acting abilities, even when he’s not speaking, absolutely astounds me. AS plays his Eric with subtlety, and not in your face, yet we see him as being strong and powerful. Fantastic! Although, Eric wasn’t so strong & powerful with the Queen, but that wasn’t his fault. On the flip side, ERW overacting and over usage of every mannerism known to man, *rolls eyes* was absolutely HORRID! *cringes* Poorly played, ERW, poorly played. She is so not queen material. I want a re-queen, a total redo of the queen. *shudders*

  19. I frankly hated that the maenad resolution made no sense. Did Maryann not say in this very episode that the vessel’s heart was “the very thing that gives him life”? How could she possibly believe her god had come when she didn’t have the most important ingredient? How could she believe her god had come when absolutely NOTHING had gone right? And how could she then doubt the existence of her god merely because a shape-shifter had implausibly managed to fool her?

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad SAM was the MAIN hero and not Bill, but it still didn’t make any sense and that pisses me off.

    The only thing that made me happy about the maenad resolution was that Sookie never ONCE thanked Bill for what he had done, but ended up thanking Sam at least twice. In fact, she rather heartlessly ordered the staggering Bill to bury the body. LOL!

  20. Another brilliant recap. I especially loved this line…”’I’M GETTING THE FUCKING BLEEDS AND I WILL FUCKING PAY YOU AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF MONEY TO BOOK YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING RESTAURANT. NOW MAKE IT FUCKING HAPPEN!’ ROFLMAO.

    I understand now why Bill had to be the hero in this episode. They had to build him up so his kidnapping would be more dramatic, so the fans would go “Oh noz, Bill is gone, how tragic?”

    Funny thing is, I dont know one person who actually is sad Bill is gone. I dont know if its just his general fakeness that people can sense or he’s an easy character not to like cause he tries too hard, but I find it amazing that we dont care what happened to him after all the work AB put into making him the likeable guy, lol. I guess its when someone buys an amazing house and decides to decorate the insides with gold and precious stones and italian marble and vaulted ceilings. But in the end no one actually wants to live there because they cant relate. I think this is Bills relationship with Sookie in a nutshell. On the outside they sport the appearance of being a rock solid couple in love that has strived through hardships and tripulations together. I mean that damn Eric for getting inside Sookies head! What a bastard! LOL.

    But slowly this facade will crumble. If something looks too good to be true it usually is. And us losties know you dont judge a book by its cover. Taking a smart leader doctor home to mama might look good on paper, but in the end all youd be getting is a monster Jackass. They’ve built Bill up so far now, there is absoultely no where to go but down. We are entering the Emperor who has no clothes territory. You just cant see what isnt there and even though they are selling us a hero and spelling it out for us over and over, its not what we are getting.

    IMO the true hero in the finale was Sam. He sacrificed the most and was most noble. He deserves the gold star for taking down MA. He shouldnt only get recognition for riding in on Billdos invisible coattails.

    • Yeah, Sam really IS the unsung hero. If anything, this was HIS finale.

      Bill and Sookie are definitely built in a facade…and the funny thing is, they’ve made Bill arguably more unlikable than Jack in the first two seasons of Lost. We may have been annoyed by Jack…but I don’t think the all out hatred set in until Season Three…But yes…B/S are definitely too good to be true…it looks good on the outside…but inside, it’s anything but. Sookie needs to look inside.

      ~simba_317

  21. Intense recap Simba, more than the ep itself.
    Now it is time to wait, and next year we will see. Hope we will get a bit more substance from S3.
    Halos on Bill or horns on Eric are not going to change the true blood of the characters.

  22. Simba great recap, as always! For some reason it made me feel better about a depressing finale( for me)! I really walked away from it feeling very let down.

    A couple of things. Don’t you think it’s funny in that AB interview, he asks ” Aren’t you going to ask who took Bill?” Cause no one really cares! That’s their grand finale and no one cares!

    Don’t you find it interesting also that in both season finales it was Bill and Sam who come to the rescue? I just kind of got a niggling thought that AB will make the true triangle Bill/ Sam/Sookie with maybe a little Eric thrown in to appease the “rabid” fans.

    Last thing. Do you think that AB will have the balls to show the trunk scene? Or will he shy away from it because he won’t be able to resurrect St. Bill after it. Of course, if he does all blame/accountability will probably be taken away from Bill.

    • If he wants to try and appease ‘rabid fans’ by doing the minimal amount of satisfaction…he’s going to find a drop in ratings…and quickly…if the ratings for these last episodes have proved anything…

      I honestly don’t know if he’ll do the trunk scene…if he does…he’ll have balls. But you never know…I would not be surprised if he did do the trunk scene and decided to give it to another character at this point…let’s leave it at that. I can’t think of too many shows that had a rape scene in it. Battlestar Galactica had one…but that’s about it.

      ~simba_317

  23. So, the best worst hairstyle of the epi for me? When Bill was trying to be a parent-like to Jessica toward the end. I stared at his so 60’s hairdo and said “Hey Bill… the Beatles called, and they want their hair back!”

  24. I always get a kick out of your reviews, they are funny and many times spot-on. I totally agree with the excess of Jane Bodehouse and lack of Pam, among others.

    However, I can’t shake the feeling that sometimes you get a bit carried away with the Bill-hate. I’m Team Eric myself, all the way, but sometimes you seem to lash out a bit too much. Like constantly reminding us what a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE character he is, lest-we-forget-why-he-REALLY-is-in-Bon-Temps, etc.

    Moreover, I read one recap where you made an extensive reasoning on why it was actually Bill’s fault Jason ended up at the FOTS. Really? ‘Cause he killed Uncle Bartlett? Don’t you think that’s going out on a limb a bit too much? :/
    (I personally cheered Bill for getting rid of the fucker. He’s a vampire, old man’s a paedo – don’t expect unnecessary mercy)

    I’m probably gonna get a lot of bashing for this comment 😉 But just felt the need to say it.

    • I never said that it was Bill’s fault that Jason ended up in the FOTS…I said that it was Bill’s fault ironically, caused by his vengeance that lead to a whole bunch of events biting him in the ass. It’s Bill’s fault that Jason had the funds to join the FOTS…By killing Barlett in cold blood and vengeance and giving Bartlett’s tainted money to Sookie, Bill started an undeniable circle of events. Sookie did not want the blood money and gave it to Jason…which meant that he had the funds to go to the FOTS camp, that’s what I said. I was commenting on the story and the irony of the events. Bill’s actions circled back to haunt him. Jason’s money went to the FOTS and gave them the money to buy the bullets and bombs that went off in Godric’s home. It’s a sort of butterfly effect…or a sort of biomagnification, if you will. That’s what I said.

      If I harp on how horrible Bill is…it’s mostly because of my frustration and just where my analysis takes me to.

      ~simba_317

      • What appalls me is I don’t hate Book Bill. I’m kind of fond of him. And I’ve been a big fan of Stephen Moyer’s for years. But because TB Bill is SO annoying, I 1) Can hardly look at him when he’s on screen and 2) it’s seeping into how I feel about Stephen. It’s AWFUL!!

      • I KNOW! I reread the books and I was like wow…I don’t hate Bill. I feel pity for him. I sympathize. I’m annoyed at him at points…but I don’t wanna throw the book across the room every time he appears.

        ~simba_317

  25. wow….you really have a thing against Bill don’t you…..

  26. I will miss your recaps.

  27. Great reading 🙂

    I agree, the “he is in love with her,yes” line was perfectly delivered by Eric.

    I hope you’re right and Eric really will try his best to obey the Queen,it’s time for Sookie to be the one taking some responsability in the E/S affair. Bill so deserves it.

    • Eric, for the most part, is a guy that follows the rules…he just knows how to bend them…like he may do something…but in the court of law, you could never prosecute him, because of the technicality.

      ~simba_317

  28. Simba your recaps for the season finale were better than the show.
    thank you,
    I don’t think I will be watching season 3.
    Again, CH should feel betrayed by the way his characters have been portrayed.

  29. I love to read your posts … very colorful and philosophic … the episode was very silly .. all the crap about Sookie not drinking Eric’s blood and he just gives his to Sam? (think it was a plot device … Sam could prob track down Bill using the blood in his own body .. in dog shape). And the second half? Like two different episodes …. would have made more sense if there was a place card that said “one week later”.

    I hated that Bill was presented as the hero when Eric wanted to help and SAM actually put his life on the line. The whole romanticizing of the confederacy is what keeps me from loving Bill … can’t forget about all the horrors of that time.

    However, I love Sookie. I see her as growing up, but still irrationally connected to Bill since her grandma’s death. He was the wrong man at the right time. She needed to bond with someone, and he was there. She is loyal, loves her friends, and tries to be a good and moral person. AND, the sense of humor was fun in the finale.

    I think she loves him … but in a first love kind of way.

    I do not think he knows what love is … he asks her to marry him knowing that she is throwing away the chance to have children? Does not even ask her about why she thinks she is not human? His is a superficial love … just like in the books. And, he will never get over the real true love and love of his life, his wife he left when he became a vampire.

    Yes, I agree that the proposal was ill-timed, but I believe that he had it all planned from episode 2 – remember he went shopping for a long time alone. He got the ring, picked the dress and said to have it ready. Got the restaurant to agree to do what he wanted for a specific night he would call. It wasn’t done in the 40 minutes … remember he was upstairs alone for a while before she got there.

    But what gives me hope is the idea in TB that Eric has never had a love relationship in all his history with a woman. For him, she could be the love of all his life, and she is the only women with the Godric seal of approval. Just hope we do not have sit through scenes of Bill sleeping with other woman characters through the seasons to come … he needs to do that off-screen just like in the books.

    • See…I could always see in the books that Eric could have fallen in love…I mean…one thousand years is a long time…but in the show…they’ve really set it up differently…There’s pros and cons with both…I don’t know…I just don’t necessarily buy that E never fell in love over the one thousand years while he was alive…

      I don’t hate Sookie…she’s just dead to me…as a character lol. I get where she’s coming from…but you know? And yeah, she is definitely clinging onto Gran through Bill and the wrong man at the right time is definitely a great way to say it.

      ~simba_317

    • I did’t see Bill having his other relationships post-Sookie out offscreen.
      He made a point of parading Selah and Portia through Merlotte’s or else under Sookie’s nose at every opportunity!

      If Bill pre planned that proposal before they went to Dallas and still went through with it after everything that transpired…wow. LOL.

  30. Oh, and one other thought about Tara …

    Please, Sookie asked Tara to live with her and forgave her for the damage to her house. That was a big deal… calling Sookie selfish for her not wanting to deal with Mike is just silly. It is the least Tara can do for her.

    Also, Sookie did reach Tara’s mind and help her. I see their relationship as Tara being such a pain to deal with all the time. Before Bill, Sookie was always there for Tara because Sookie could not find a boyfriend she could tolerate. Tara had trouble dealing with the change in their relationship.

    Just please lighten up on the Sookie hate …

    • True…but I really have yet to see Sookie really be there for her friend. I guess that’s an example of Bill just totally being her life and all it is at this point…

      It just feels really one sided right now. The writers have yet to show me that Sookie is a good friend to Tara in a believable way, that’s there for her. The same with Sam and Sookie’s friendship.

      I don’t hate Sookie…I think she needs to grow up. I think she needs to be more strength as a character. I think she needs to be given more depth.

      ~simba_317

  31. Agreed. Ridiculous is the word to describe this so-called finale. What i’m most disappointed with is that the audience was blatantly ‘played.’ I hate feeling as though i’ve been played. The entire second act of that epi was basically the creators talking down to their own audience. Do they not give us any credit for our intelligence? Do they think we’re just a bunch of stupid people watching a stupid show? Apparently so. If the showrunner has so little respect for the audience, i don’t see any reason to return the feeling. Or to increase the ratings.

  32. Wow, Your review is really better then the ep itself.
    If I thought last weeks ep was the worst then this weeks season finale takes the cake in being the most horrendous ep of all time. Atleast I was entertained last ep with the comedy but this ep was just pure nonsense dress up in a pretty package w/ a cute little card title “season finale”….Um yea uh huh CRAP!

    The only best part was when Maryann sees her horn god husband and goes to him, then bull gores her in the stomach and Naked Sam crushes her heart with his fist. Now this is crazy done right. This is the kind of crazy I can respect not the garbage they gave us for 45mins of nothingness.
    And on another note I was so thinking that Eric brought the Bull with him. Now that would of been perfect (book readers knw what I’m talkin about) but instead the last we see of Eric this season? He plays absolutely no part in defeating Marianne, or anything. He is stuck playing Yahtzee…. YAHTZEE! (damn I sound like Trombley) and then what he goes home? More like Lamepire! But like you said the only reason he was ‘detained’ was just so he can utter a few lines for people to go ‘Ooooh!’ Maybe he did it! You sure did call this one Simba.

    Sam really was the hero in this ep. I see him in a different light now.

    Yay! for Charlaine Harris cameo at the bar. Nay! for bad angle.

    I did like when Andy says, “It’s DIET Coke with LIIIIIIIIME.” and Jason calling Andy Bubba.

    Bill/Sookie romantic dinner – nice even though I was kinda bored with the whole thing.
    The proposal – what the hell were they thinking? Just Ridiculous.
    I secretly wish that Sookie would of have thoughts of Eric in the bathroom now that would of spice things up.

    And way to end the crapfest with a big fat scary cliff hanger for the next season, unfortunately we know AB aren’t going to kill off Beel from the Show so nice try Mr. Ball. Gee I on the edge off my see desperately anticipating the next season. *insert sarcasm* que *eye roll*
    Even though this ep does not make me want to come back for more most likely when S3 rolls around I’ll probably cave. But I’m not that excited about it.

  33. You know what really gave me the shits and really made the inconsistancy of this season crystal clear. It’s a small point, but the whole thing with that stupid fucking egg. After the second last episode, everyone was like OMG what’s a goin on with the egg? It had everyone talking, whether they liked it or not and that was obviously the intention. Yet when it came to the crunch it was the a-typical BT anti-climax. It turns out to just be a stupid ostrich egg that gets stuck in the meat tree and then smashed and that was it. WTF? Why create a cliff hanger with little to no follow through, what was the point? What was the point of a whole lotta things. I feel sad, I loved S1 so much and hung out for 6 months for S2 with alot of excitment. It started, never got of the ground or went anywhere, and then it was just over and ended with a whimper not a roar. The whole season was a MEGA ANTI-CLIMAX. It was such a dud lifeless ending, I didn’t hate it the way I did EP11, but I kind of went…so what? It was just stupid, I laughed at the bits I wasn’t supposed to and didn’t at the ones I was. They killed it for me so much this season that I am not even looking forward to S3. It makes me sad when they create something so great and then just drive it into the ground.
    I the opposite of heart you Alan Balls.

    • LOL…In all fairness…I liked different things about Season One and Season Two…I liked the characters in Season One more than Season Two…but Season Two had better plotlines and up until Episode 11, was more consistent in terms of writing.

      ~simba_317

  34. If you didn’t like the show and how it ended then don’t watch it, from here on out when the next season comes back on.

    • Well we kind have to watch or who is going to run the blog?
      And I think people forget what Simba wrote sometimes. I don’t see Simba as hating the last show *winks* more disappointed, let down, mystified that the same show that gave us episodes 7,8, and 9 (my 3 faves) would end like it did.

      I personally want to see what the writers can do with more time to work on scripts. I am optimistic.

  35. This episode sucked. I thought Bill didn’t take Sookie away from Sam’s near-execution because he had to stay close to give him blood, and he knew Sookie wouldn’t go just because he told her to. he held her in place til it was time for her to dump the meatpole. That whole plan was ridiculous and lame. The proposal was awful. This show sucks. If I didn’t love the books I’d have quit at the beginning of this season. I only watch in hopes it will get better as Eric gets to be more important. It’s kind of amazing to me that the show is popular at all.

  36. Excelent recap as always, simba! You always made me laugh so much with your OMGWTF!POLARBEARs LMAO!! I was thinking… Do you think the engagement/marriage idea could be another subtle concept stolen from Eric’s book character when he made Sookie gave her the knife to marry her so he can protects her from the King of Las Vegas? AB has been “filling” TB Bill’s character with subtle and no so subtle book Eric’s actions… We all know that Bill feels insecure because he can sense Sookie’s attraction to Eric, but also SA told him she wants to meet her. Could it be also another AB stolen concept from Eric to give another “point” to TEH HERO? The higher his “score”, the higher the chances to be eventually forgiven by Sookie when she discovers his lies and faces the decision to forgive him or not (you know, the “he loves her so much that wanted to protects her” bla bla bla crap)… OMG, I will die if AB stole this from Eric, too LOL.

  37. ‘What are you doing, keeping your mother locked in her own house, Norman beast?’

    LOL! It’s Norman BATES. As in Psycho?

  38. I a viewer that does not read the books, loves this show and since 5% are book readers, he can afford to lose you and it will make the boards so much easier..I love the show as a whole all the characters are what make Trueblood.

    • RC,
      you came to this board that is your choice, so please do not come here to put people down or dismiss anyone. It’s just plain rude. I will not censor you but I will also ask you to keep it clean and read the rules of this blog before you post further.

      Thanks so very much,
      ~Lil

    • Yeah… only 5%? Sure!!!! Maybe that was the statistics for the 1st episode. But now?! tsk tsk tsk…

    • What Alan Ball can’t afford to lose are viewers who have not read the books but hear about the differences between the book and the show and decide that the book is more worth their time and abandon the show all together…It seems like the last two episodes have blown chunks on this fandom regardless of any previous book knowledge…so in light of that, Alan Ball should realize that the issues with his show are issues with the show in itself and that the people turning off are offered an alternative that they find better and there seems like there’s a large portion after Frenzy and the finale…

      ~simba_317

  39. As I book reader that loves the show I would like to remind everyone that there would not be a show without the books. And WE are what make the boards, and the fansites and Twitter great.

  40. A very thorough TB blog, comical and I enjoy the scene play by play, but next time don’t hold back and just let us know how you really feel about Bill.

  41. Recently discovered this site and I love it! Congratulations on putting together something so entertaining. Can’t wait until the Bloodies are announced. I just put together some ideas I thought I’d share.

    My thoughts on the writing…not good, not collaborative, not consistent, and definitely not character-driven. Its not even really plot-driven. I think they identify the cliff-hanger they want at the end of each episode and work backwards from there. And THIS IS NOT WORKING. I mean they’re sacrificing everything. Logic. Characters. Previously established universe realities.

    That they can’t get this right is possibly testament to the fact how awful (are they all suffering from ADD?) the writers are: the stories themselves are written! They have the material! Their job should be easier than most scriptwriters who do not have source material! Sure, it requires tweaking the storyline to allow non-Sookie plotlines to unfold in a non-Sookie narrated world – but if you build the character-portrayals in a consistent manner, at least you know that will work – since it works in the books. All these switcheroos hardly make any sense. Drinking vamp blood brings on the vamp lust? (Bill is really gonna have to watch his back when Sam’s around.) And WHERE is Sookie’s telepathy? (It bombards/ overwhelms her at every turn in the books and it seems MIA much of the time on the show – she doesn’t know Luke’s intentions in the nest, nor does she know LettieMae is planning on letting Tara escape).

    I knew I fast-forwarded all the MaryAnn nonsense, but I didn’t realize the extent to which other viewers hated it until I started checking out some of the websites. Most viewers found it to be too much. Over-the-top, ridiculous, orgy, not fun/funny, painful to watch. Face it. It was filler. Beyond here lies bullshit, indeed.

    SUGGESTIONS FOR THE WRITERS:
    1) Read the effing books. (If you can’t read them, listen to the books on tape while you drive around LA.) This is your bread-and-butter. You want the show to get picked up, don’t you? Stop being lazy. Tough economy. I can think of at least six Fanfiction writers who could likely write better dialogue than you and would probably be do so for a fraction of your salaries.
    2) Talk to one another. Use a chalkboard. Or a dry-erase whiteboard. Prepare an outline of the season’s storyline arch. Discuss some ideas not only on action but on N-U-A-N-C-E. This is also important to a story. Exchange ideas. Maybe email one another or talk on the phone. This is called “collaborating.” Most of us are forced to do it at work under the belief that it helps produce a better product.
    3) Do not adhere to forcing the in-your-face-cliffhanger endings if they do not unfold organically and instead must be labored upon and tended to with an exertion of effort akin to the styling of Rev. and Mrs. Newlins’ hair.
    4) Do not limit the season’s episodes to one book (i.e., ONE BOOK = ONE SEASON).
    The maenad story in Living Dead in Dallas was a peripheral story that Sookie wrapped up quickly in the end (with help from a tall blonde in tights, but I won’t even go there as I prefer the GQ look myself). Perhaps the writers (and the poor, suffering viewers) would have all been better served had they wrapped the MaryAnn story much quicker rather than allow it to go on ad nauseum and instead just forged ahead into Club Dead? (They intro’d SophieAnne who is not a character until after “Dead as a Doornail” in S 2 ep 11. Why not? Use the stories from the books but play with the timeline/details.)

    You said it best and I’ll paraphrase: You know you’re not living right when Jane Bodehouse gets more air-time than Pam. WTF????!!!! Now, I’m just annoyed. Smite Me Motherfucker!

  42. Your Bill hatred is unoriginal. I love all the True Blood characters and have read the books, and I’m a fan of Eric, but I’m able to seperate the two and not come off as a fan-girl.

    • Hate to tell you this…but I am firmly and always have been a fangirl. I’ve been a fangirl of many different franchises and stories…but that doesn’t make my points any less valid. Yeah, I dislike THIS Bill, but I do think my points as to why stand, that they’re valid and pertinent critiques of the writing on the show. I can see reasons to why one can both hate and love both Bill and Eric. However, I think the reasons are few and far between for both characters in some ways and that the writing has been too simplistic and polarizing.

      ~simba_317

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: