Beware! St. Bill Rises Again!

Okay…I liked this episode. It was good and I wasn’t expecting much considering it was written by Raelle Tucker. What it says to me is that Raelle should write plot episodes, not character ones. I don’t like the way she writes Sookie at all one bit. She always comes off self-righteous and acts like a bitch, especially when she was taunting Hugo. It was like she was taking pleasure in his despair. Sure, Hugo does deserve some of that…but I just don’t like that portrayal of Sookie. I’m also not totally a fan of Raelle’s dialogue, that was never more apparent than in Sam and Daphne’s conversation about Maryann. Remote controlled airplanes? Dum-dum? Seriously?

However the one thing I have the biggest issue in this episode is the complete and total retcon of Bill’s actions. They’ve wiped clean any fault he may have had in killing innocent people and once again made him into a boring character. We can all just blame Lorena! Bill was forced into it! They make Bill so spangly and so white that it’s just plain nauseating. I’m tired of seeing what a knight Bill is. I’m tired of his so-called angst. They’ve taken Jack’s daddy issues from Lost and replaced it with mommy ones for Bill. And in the post-Lost world, they simply can’t have a character like Bill. Bill has become too good! He’s a joke now. You want to know why? Because we’re all plain sick and tired of dealing with a character who does not have to answer to, or face any real punishment for his shitty actions through the writing. Jack is so wonderfully good! Yeah well, what about torturing Sawyer for inhalers? How come he never got dethroned for his actions? When Bill does something wrong, two minutes later, it’s gone. That’s just plain annoying. It’s like they’re making him invincible of fault. The television watching audience of Lost had to deal with this treatment of Jack for over five years and I’m telling you now that as one of them, I simply do not have the patience to stomach another Jacksus.

One scene in this year’s Lost finale was like the collective audience finally getting their justice on the long unpunished Jacksus. It was when Sawyer beat the shit out of him. It was strange writing, but you know what? We all needed it. I just don’t want it to get to the point where True Blood has their very own Jacksus either. Dealing with one was more than enough.

Maybe I’m being overenthusiastic about the influence of Lost, but from talking to fans of True Blood, there are many of us who watch Lost as well. But if HBO and True Blood are smart, they will cut the crap. You know why? Two years ago, Media Life Magazine came out with an article that researched the correspondence of income with the television shows that people watched. Sure, it’s using Neilson, but it’s still an interesting article, because even though Neilson is deemed by many as bankrupt, it’s still an industry standard. The average income of Lost viewers was $68, 000 in 2007. People care about this because of advertisers wanting to see returns on the products they sell. Given that figure, it’s not hard to imagine that those are the viewers who can afford cable networks like HBO and watch True Blood. Hell, we need something to tide us over the hiatus! How many of those people who have seen Lost want to watch a rehash of the Jacksus?

You can read the article here. Sometimes it pays to have a memory like an elephant. 😉

That being said, this was a strong episode. Part of that is probably because the Schmoop Twins had no scenes together. Also it was the first I did not miss every second Eric wasn’t on the screen. Still, I want to see more of him. At this point, it’s like they’re holding Eric’s character hostage. They give us glimpses of the full range of Eric’s pallet, but they never venture deeper and let us see it. Why is that? Are they so afraid that showing another side of Eric will somehow put a dent in Bill’s white armour? It’s seriously ridiculous. We are shown moments where Eric is shown to be anything but a jerk or ‘evil’ but we never see more. Eric has a charisma about him that makes us want to know what makes him tick, it’s a credit to Alexander Skarsgard’s acting, but we’re denied from seeing all sides of him. Instead, True Blood has done nothing more but set up a good vs. evil thing with Bill and Eric that is frankly becoming irritating. It’s like they think viewers are stupid or something.

I have read the books and I am a fan of them. I don’t think that discounts me from having this view because I think True Blood can have so much more depth, like the way Charlaine Harris wrote Bill and Eric. Bill’s character on True Blood has become one note and expired, unless they do something quickly to rectify that, while Eric’s is still mysterious and almost stagnant because they refuse to show more of him. Last year Eric was a glorified extra, but this year, he feels like a guest star and that’s not much improvement. Eric needs the attention he deserves. There is a reason he is a fan favourite in the books and that is his dichotomy, his passion, his zest,  his joie de vivre, his ability to be kind yet menacing and dangerous, that behind his exterior of manipulation and selfishness, there’s a guy with a good heart who is noble and loyal. I’m glad that we’re seeing more of Eric’s character through his loyalty to Godric and what looks to be his self-sacrifice to Godric too, but it’s simply not enough. At least not for me. Give Eric his Confidence Man.

And on that note, on to the recap! I have a special guest this time, Lil!

Andy hits the dirt in an attempt to go after his pig. Poor not so misguided Andy. ‘PIIIIIIGGG!’ LOL. It should be his new catchphrase, kinda like WAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLT! or CLAAAAAAAAAAIIIRRREEE!

Now for some reason the whole time Andy is yelling Pig, I can think of only one thing:

Things are not looking very good for Sam.

Rut Roh Shags!!!!!

While he’s being held down, an debauched orgy surrounds him. I just don’t really care about a lot of naked people I have no attachment to. It’s like lots of naked people, enh. Whatever. They start chanting like Maryann. Apparently there are two cults on True Blood this season, the Cult of Maryann and the FOTS.

My only real complaint with the orgy is there isn’t any girl on girl action, I mean let’s face it, two women is way sexier to look at than two guys and a girl, I mean look at The L Word, they never had two guys and one chick or vice verse for that matter and that show was damn popular! Hey Raelle Tucker, I am so three thousand and eight while your just two thousand and late!

Tara has been smoking some good weed! She’s in such an altered state of mind, she decides to lick Sam. Oh and tell him to give into Maryann.

Oh that Tara……

Sam is all, Look Tara, that’s only for the bedroom when it’s between us and no one else! WTF has Maryann done to you?

Tara just wants to dance.

Looks like Tara got some dance lessons from Beyonce….hey I am just sayin’……

Andy joins the party. What the… Strange how an alcoholic is the only one with his wits about him.

Maryann does some even more weird shit. I wonder if she’s ever considered a career as a dildo?

LOL Simba….hehehehehe, Oh I can’t type, the tears….ROFLMAO!!!!!

A shot is fired by a weirded out Andy. It breaks Maryann from her concentration. Everyone seems to partially break from their trance.

This is where I started clicking my heels together and wished three times to go home.

This is just the distraction Sam needs, he head butts Eggs to let go of him.Woo! Action!Sam.

Daphne tries to stop him, but gets punched in the face. Ooh! Looks like Sam is getting Tara’s arc from last season. Just because salvation comes in a shitty package doesn’t mean it’s not right…Think it will sink in? Going by Tara, nope.

Woot! Get Some!!!!

Everyone starts screaming when Sam runs away. Weird, I’ve heard about pack mentality, but this is something else.

Andy wonders about the differences between sobriety and non sobriety finding none. It’s all still WTF?

Meanwhile Maryann is chasing after Sam. She is hot for some bestiality. ‘Here, Sam! Come here, boy!’ LOL TB, dog joke! Sam is all ‘ME NOT WANT!’

Run Sam Run!!!!!!

Sam is in luck though. He comes upon an owl, giving him all the inspiration he needs to shift. He needs to see an animal before he can. He escapes the creepy clutches of Maryann as a bad CGI’d owl!

Fly Sam Fly!!!!!

Spurned again!

Do you think she tolerates Sarcasm while being spurned…….yeah I didn’t think so either.

Time for True Blood!

So the strings have been cut and the puppets are flaying around confused and screaming. Andy spots Terry in the crowd with really horrble skin coloured briefs. Seriously who are you fooling TB?

Seriously! I mean come on it’s Todd Lowe, let’s see some skin!

Andy tries to get Terry to put on some pants, but Terry likes the feeling of the breeze dammit! He goes all Brad Colbert on Andy and breaks his arm. Terry may be crazy, but he has backbone!

Whoa Whoa! Simba!  Srgt. Brad Colbert would never break an innocent drunk’s arm…..oh never mind.

Arlene enjoys it very muchly!

Arlene finally does something I like, it only took like twenty episodes.

Andy is all MYYYYY AAAAAAAARRRMMM! Clearly he hasn’t had enough to drink.

Me either Andy….. me either.

Meanwhile in her cage, Sookie attempts to contact Godric by shouting. Vamps hear everything after all. She was sent by Isabel and Eric!

Is it just me but is Sookie Hostage Hair the best hair she has had all season? Because really I think it’s hot.

We learn that Hugo is really claustrophobic. He wasn’t lying about that. You know how in cons where you have to keep some things real for believability…well…this is why these two failed at the Long Con…

We also learn that the FOTS have a tacky predilection for themed boardgames. Like ‘The Game of Life’ Racist Cult style where you send your kids to bible camp and go to a religious college. Or Monopoly where you buy as much land and businesses as you can so you can run the blood suckers out of town! WOO!

Yoo Yoo!! Trivial Pursuit Vampires Finally Dead Legends and Myth’s Edition it includes instructions for Strip Pursuit for those times when everyone has had to much wine at communion…… 😉

Hugo doesn’t take kindly to her distraction with racist board games. He’s all ‘HELL-LO! Freaked out claustrophobe in the corner!’ Sookie gets him to work on his breathing exercises.

You know I have height issues and having someone instructing me to breathe only pisses me off to Hugo, but I hope don’t look psychotic like you do.

Sookie figures out that someone in the nest is a big fat traitor! They knew about her arrival in Dallas and knew that they were coming. OOH!

Sookie should so join the Scooby Gang, her and Daphne can have a cat fight over Fred.

Hugo decides to blame Stan! Because…he’s Stan and nutty as a fruitcake. It’s like blaming Canada. Sheesh. I mean, he only makes a good victim because he wants to blow up the FOTS with guns blazing and stuff.

So this confirms it, there are nuts in fruit cake……..

Sookie says that if it’s true St. Bill and Eric will do a lot worse to Stan when they find out. We’re sorta like…well, we know Eric would do something a la Royce or something equally as painful. St. Bill would probably preach about passive resistance or something.

Bill would ball his fists up  and stomp a round a little, then tell Eric Sookie is his again. Yeah we get it already!!! This is me rolling my eyes *points@eyes* .

Sookie is all Bill should have sensed my fear and come to rescue me! And it’s just like girl, you can do that yourself. There’s gotta be something in those boxes that could do something…Plot contrivance, or bad set decorating. Seriously. I just want Sookie to stand on her own two feet. C’mon! She doesn’t need Bill all the frakking time like a two year old. Sookie is conflicted about wanting Bill to come though. After all, he’s jumping right into a nest of scary vampire haters about to make Vamp BBQ! I’m thinking that might not be so bad, it will be just the martyring that Bill needs to finally get sainthood!

Bill is all ‘Get out of my way!’ and we’re like *roll* This again. Bill needs to fire up his white steed!

Lor-Lor is all hells no! They have some catching up to do.

Bill is not going to ask again! Dude, you were SO demanding before. How rude.

Lorena says Bill smells like Sookie. Sweet and cheap. LOL TB! Lorena is a serious bitch, but I can’t help but like her and even sympathize with her. It’s definitely the actress’ performance. I love Lor-Lor.

I love Lorena which is weird because in the book, not so much, then again on TB she has layers, we get to experience her scrumptiously evil ways and her nifty 1930’s hair. As far as hair goes this epi is better and the fact I am even commenting on hair is a bit…. disturbing.

Well dammit! We care about hair! *Points to Eric’s Hair Evolution*

When Bill tries to get away, Lorena gets all toss a bitch! then shows why heels are a girl’s best friend. I wonder if they’re wooden?

Oh Snap! That looks like fun!

‘William Compton, you’re still so sensitive. Some might say it’s a weakness, but I’ve always found it oddly…cute.‘ Cute like Twilight vampires?

Cute like Gag me with a spoon or Just Stake Me now!!!! PLEASE!!!!!

Bill tries to escape again, but Lor-Lor tells him it’s no use. They both know she’s stronger and faster.

She’s here because she misses Bilbo! It’s been so long…Cue flashback!

It’s LA in 1935 and we wonder why the Flashback style is the reverse of Lost. His hair actually looks better in 1935. What’s up with that? Not to mention the fashion sense. How come for a guy who doesn’t age he doesn’t look crusty in 1935? LA is like dry and the other LA is humid…

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Boo Hoo Bill……

Lor-Lor has come home early in a stunning green dress. Who like totally loves Lorena’s fashion sense? She needs to give Sookie the 411 quick! Oh, btw, she loathes musicals because they’re so desperately cheerful. LOL.

The dress is hot. Finally I think TB’s costume department has redeemed itself after the Handkerchief Dress Incident. Why is it that Bill easily has controlled most aspects of Sookie’s personality with his conservativeness but when it comes to her wardrobe he let’s her walk around in something I wouldn’t blow my nose on?

But Lor-Lor has brought home a gift straight from the chorus line! Hey Alfred, this is Frances! Alfred, like Bruce Wayne’s Butler? So are they saying that Bill is Batman because Batman is cool and Bill not so much…Bill can be the butler though! Is it just me or does Frances look like Lady Gaga? If so, I wonder if she’ll poison Bill’s True Blood.

Lorena wants Frances to show off her dance moves, but Bill is all ‘Musicals are desperately cheerful and I am in angst mode! Go away!’

“Let me entertain you… Let me make you smile…..”

Undaunted Frances starts dancing. Everyone needs a little good cheer in their life! Turn that frown upside down! Get your sunnyside up! Who doesn’t love Eugene Eugene? ‘I used to do a little but a little wouldn’t do it, so the little got more and more! I just kept tryin’ to get a little better, said a little better than before! We’ve been dancing with Mr. Brownstone, he’s been knockin’, he won’t leave me aloooone! No, he won’t leave me alone!’

Bill is all ‘I’m EMO DAMMIT! If she’s dancing, it had better be some interpretative dance of anguish to The Emo Song.’

Bill is in one of his moods again. Someone give him a tampon! He’s got more issues than People Magazine! Anyway, Lor-Lor knows a way to turn that frown upside down.

‘I meant what I said. No more.’ Oh greeeaaaat…St. Bill rises again! Watch as he performs miracles before your very eyes! NOOOOO! I want Crazy!Bill back! NO!

Lorena’s like, ‘Don’t give yourself an eating disorder! Now taste her. She smells like apricots.’ I still don’t get what’s up with Bill. You don’t have to kill people for meals. You can just glamour, sip and run. Jeez.

We are gripped to the edges of our seats thinking, ‘Oh hey, maybe we will get Crazy!Bill back.’ ‘Leave now!’ No such luck. Dammit!

‘You are such a wet blanket.’ Got that right Lor-Lor! Frances skitters off to rejoin the chorus line. ‘I don’t know why I keep bothering with you.’ We don’t either Lor-Lor.

Bill challenges here. Why does she? ‘I can’t stand the sight of you.’ Your eyebrows…

‘So dramatic.’ It’s the 30s dammit! I need to blend in.

Lorena thinks they should move back south, since the cultural desert of LA has made him depressed. ‘I‘m not depressed.’ Uh huh, keep telling yourself that, Bill.You’re more depressed than the Grand Canyon.

Bill is seeing clearly for the first time in years! Cue miracle number one! Ugh. I can’t get through these parts without rolling my eyes heavily. Bill will kill no more for sport and be cruel! And just like that, the writers have waved their magic wand and Bill is forgiven! Ugh. Bill is a God who is not responsible for ANY of his actions. How Jacksus is that?

The next time I get a ticket I want Tucker to be on my legal team.

Lorena tells Bill that he’s a vampire. She needs to tell him that because Bill is not good with obvious. ‘They are food. That’s your nature.’

Bill shuns it! He can fix things, dad!’ NO! It is yours! And you have stolen mine and made me into a monster! I forgot myself and I will have to live with what I did for an eternity.’ The verdict is in. Bill will never be cool. It’s almost kind of sad, I’m thinking if Bill had a maker who wasn’t as into sadism as Lorena, he wouldn’t be so recalcitrant to being a vampire.

Lor-Lor blames this on Bill’s youth. He’ll clearly grow out of his conscience, right? No such hope.

Lorena wants to get through this rough patch together, but Bill will never again be what she wants him to be! OOOH! *GAG*

And just like that, Lorena is jilted!

You don’t jilt Lorena, bitch! Does anyone else found it funny that she tossed Bill a big ball lamp? Like get a pair! LOL.

Back in the present, Bill will kill Lorena if Sookie is hurt. *roll* How many times has he reiterated the statement? MINE, MINE, MINE! I wonder if the reason Bill has aged so badly is because he’s not eating well? Because, whoa that is bad!

‘So it’s true, you’re in love with a human. That’s so tragic, it’s funny.’ Lorena laughs at love! Do you believe and laugh at love? I can feel something inside me say, I really don’t think you’re strong enough. Noooo.

Meanwhile, Eric and Isable scope out the FOTS. YES! ERIC! Eric is not impressed by them. Will this bite him in the ass? ‘You have got to be joking me. This is the Fellowship of the Sun? That’s their ‘army’? Scared little boys with bibles and crossbows’ Eric has been through the Middle Ages, he so knows how to dodge crossbows. C’mon now!

*drooooool* *wipes chin*

Isabel tells him not to underestimate the FOTS. ‘Support for their movement is growing. Their leadership camps are overflowing with self-righteous extremists all willing and ready to die for their cause.’ I wonder if Sookie would count as one? In Raelle’s last episode, she certainly looked like one of the vamp haters.

Oh, I’m sorry were they talking? I can’t concentrate when I can see E’s neck, there is something about that neck that just makes me want to lick it……

Earth to Lil! Snap out of it. There’s a line behind you.

Eric can arrange their deaths a la Royce quite easily, but Isabel doesn’t want to move until she knows for sure that the FOTS have Godric. Does Eric remind anyone else of Legolas in this shot? You know the shot in Return of the King where he spies all the evil and tells Aragorn about it?


Eric asks about her boy Hugo lol. To Eric, who’s a gazillion years old, Hugo is a boy. He asks about Sookie too. They’ve been in the FOTS too long.

Isabel is not too alarmed. If Hugo was in danger, she’d know it because of the blood she took from him. She felt something earlier, but since it passed, she thinks he’s okay now. No he ain’t. And no, he aint! Poor Izzy. She’s going to get her heart stomped on.

Interesting…very interesting. *Raises brow* Tell me, what is it you find so fulfilling about human companionship?’ We all know that his curiosity is only piqued because of Sookie.

‘They feel much more strongly than we do. Everything is urgent, exciting. Maybe because their lives are so temporary.’ The interesting thing about Isabel is that she’s probably the most human and down to earth of the vamps we’ve seen thus far.

‘Yes, they certainly don’t keep well.’ LOL Eric! He’s hilarious. ‘Don’t you find the prospect of them growing old, sickly, crippled somewhat uh, repulsive?’ Interesting Eric. I feel like he’s saying something he doesn’t necessarily feel and he’s just putting up an air and Izzy knows it too. Izzy finds human frailty curious, like a science project. LOL. There’s a vamp to her yet!

‘How does Bill Compton feel about your interest in Sookie?’ LOVE YOU IZZY! ‘I am not interested in Sookie.’ SUUUUUUUURE Eric. Remember what you told Lor-Lor now. You want to use her telepathic assets and screw her. ‘And even less in how Bill Compton feels. My only interest is finding Godric.’ Believe you on Bill…not so much on your only interest, E. lol.

This I love! Izzy calling out the Viking! He really is a terrible liar.

‘Of course.’ ‘Don’t look at me like that.’ LOL. Go Izzy! Right now I think Eric wants an asset and is curious about vamp-human relationships. He’s not after Sookie for Sookie. Yet.

*giggles*

Getting back to business, Eric wants to know if Izzy is sure that the FOTS have taken Godric. Izzy isn’t so sure since she’s known Godric so long, it’s hard to imagine he could be overpowered by humans. Stan is sure though.

‘Not anything human’ OOOOH.

It’s the morning after! This is gonna be awkward! Sweet!

Naked Church Lady and her love muffin.

Jason is happy, but Sarah is not. She’s crying. Jason tells her it’s gonna be okay. Only he’s going to go to hell! LOL. Oh poor, misguided, stupid Jason.

Sarah wanted it and doesn’t feel guilty about it. Sure, girl…we really believe that…She’s only crying because she’s so happy. She didn’t know what love was until she was with Jason. Meaning, Jason is good in bed and Steve is not. Steve is gay. She feels closer to God than ever before!

Jason is SERIOUSLY WEIRDED OUT!

‘We have to tell Steve!’ I know you’re in a cult and all, but WTF are you smoking?

The vow of honesty extends to telling your husband with the person you cheated with that you’re having an affair. Wow. CRA-ZY. Oh and she’s not willing to throw all her beliefs out the window. Just adultery.

Jason is like NO WAY! But Sarah is all for it because God will forgive them some day. Uh huh.

Let’s just think about this for a second.’ Jason has experience with this after all lol. ‘A. Steve has guns. Then there’s the lockdown tomorrow night.’ Don’t you find it amusing that both Stackhouse kids call it a ‘lockdown’? lol. ‘And secondly, we’re gonna be locked in this church with Steve and his guns. All night!’ LOL. Steve and his guns lol.

Sarah agrees that they have to put God’s interests before thier own. LOL Sarah. You are totally from another planet. And don’t you just find it hilarious that she’s saying this as she’s putting on her panties? LOL TB!

Sarah tells Jason that when she’s up there with Steve, she’s gonna be thinking about Jason and Jason is like OH SHIT! WHAT HAVE I DONE? Commitment phobe, that’s what Jason is. Jason is incredibly happy to tell Steve after the lock-in. Look at Sarah’s huge honking ring.

Regrets. Jason has them.

Regrets? Try the Oh Shits!!! Just look at his face. He’s looking for the nearest Exit sign! This is your typical Jason reaction, but just he can’t help but to help himself to the buffet can he?

Meanwhile in the bedroom, Hoyt and Jessica are making out. Don’t you just love that in the room next door Lorena is holding Bill captive, but they don’t know it? So funny.

Must be those sound proof rooms that are only sound proof when it’s called for in the script.

They so didn’t have these issues in BSG, sigh.

Hoyt has something to tell Jessica. Something he’s never told anybody, not even Jason. Especially not Jason! OOOH! Hoyt has never done it with a girl. He did it with a dude? Oh c’mon! You were thinking it too when he said that! LOL. That’s what you get with bad dialogue.

I was totally thinking farm animals and from Jessie’s reaction I think she was too.

‘What have you done it with?’ SEE! Even Jessica questions. ‘Just myself.’ OH lol.

See? I told you so…..

Jessica doesn’t see what the big deal is. She’s a virgin too. Hoyt is surprised. Just because she’s a vamp, doesn’t mean she’s a tramp! lol.

Of course she’s a virgin, Daddy Vamp has her under lock and key!

Hoyt doesn’t think she’s a slut. Or anyone really. Some people just want someone to be with. Isn’t Hoyt wonderful and nonjudgmental? He’s the best of what a human being could be.

And a prime candidate to have his heart stomped on….poor farm animal lovin’ Hoyt.

He’s like my precious Helo who lived!

Simba really needs to give me a list of Must Watch so I can know what the hell she is talking about!

Battlestar Galactica. Watch it. There’s a show that deserves an Emmy.

‘I totally woulda been a slut if I coulda gotten away with it. Me and my friend Laurie had this bet since 8th grade over who would lose it first. She was like pregnant before I even got my first kiss. My dad was such a dickhead.’ LOL. Jessica brings the funny.

God I love her!!!

Jess wants to know why Hoyt is still a virgin. Hoyt was gonna wait until he met the right one, but the right one never showed up. AWWW. Poor Hoyt!

‘By then I’d waited so long, I figure I just can’t give it to just anybody. So now I’m 28 and most girls probably think I’m some kinda bisexual gay or something. Not that I got any problem with them. But I’m not’ Hoyt is too cute. I didn’t think Hoyt was gonna be as old as Jason though. Wow. I thought he was like 24ish. It really is time for him to move outta momma’s basement.

Simba I refer you to S1, Jason and Hoyt went to school together. Jason freaked because Hoyt called him Jay, and no one but his football team mates could call him Jay. hehehehe I love it when I can tell Simba something because it is a rare golden moment for me!

Well I’m not most girls. I’m not even a girl technically.’ LOL. Jessica gets the best lines. Jess, Eric, Pam and Laffy. If she wasn’t a vamp, this might be slightly pedophilish with the ages. I’m guessing age stuff is off now. ‘But if you’re okay with it, I’d be your first.’

But not tonight. It’s gonna be dawn soon. She’s got sleep or she gets really sick. Cue set up!

Oh whatever could you mean?……

‘But we can cuddle if you like. Just don’t freak out if I look kinda dead.’ LOL. That’s why they call it dead until dark, sweetie.

Cute.

You know who else likes snuggling? Eric. Great seagueway huh? lol. Stan and Isabel are arguing. Stan thinks Hugo and Sookie joined the FOTS themselves. He’s onto something, but Izzy defends Hugo. Stan says that if she really cared about Hugo, they would’ve been in the FOTS hours ago. They are not going in without a plan or an exit strategy. Did anyone else giggle when she said exit strategy? It’s like one of those words like maverick. Eric is like all removed as this is going on.

Damn it there’s his neck again….rewind….still missed the dialogue….rewind…..

They’re walking Eric to his hotel room. Izzy thinks Stan doesn’t use his brain. Ever. Stan thinks Isabel is too chicken shit to act. They’re ideologically opposite.

Ohhhh…

Stan decides to take a hit at Eric for doing nothing while the FOTS has his maker and telepath. Interesting choice of words. His telepath…hmm…It’s like Sookie saying Bill AND Eric lol.

Oh no he didn’t!!! Seriously this vamp has some balls and he proves Sookie right he is nuttier than a fruit cake!!

Eric is SO on that biatch! ‘Are you questioning my loyalty, Stan?’

Oh My….

Stan says he’s being a dick only until Godric is returned to his position.

‘Oh really. ‘Cause I think maybe you have another agenda. Maybe you think starting a war with the Fellowship will distract us from the truth…’

Eyebrow……. I swear this man is trying to kill me.

Josh Holloway has dimples, Alexander Skarsgard has the eyebrow. To paraphrase Carlton Cuse, the dimples, you can’t resist the dimples!

‘…that you’re so starved for power that you murdered Godric for his title.’ INTENSE! Eric is really hot when he’s pissed off. And you just have to utilize more pictures for eyecandy! C’mon!

Oh Simba I so totally agree with this. Actually if the entire recap could be of just eric pissed off I would owe you forever.

Eric’s Hair Evolution 2 will make an appearance sooner or later…

‘That is a lie! How dare you accuse me!’

Isabel stops things from escalating. They have no proof. This is a familiar theme with her.You know both Stan and Izzy lack the milk white pallor of the LA vamps. Is it because they are better fed in TX?

Well I can’t speak for Stan, my our lady vamp is a Latina, so may explain her “lively” color.

‘Not yet, but I will find it. And when I do, there will be no mercy.’ Ooooh.

In the meantime, Eric is SO over this shit. ‘You two can stand here and quibble over his position or run into that church and kill them all. I no longer care.’

He is killing me softly with his voice……

‘If Godric is gone, nothing will bring back what I have lost.’ AWWW! Poor E! He even sheds a tear! He feels dammit! That opening of the door even sounds like him sniffling or did anyone else catch that? It’s a complete contrast from Bill’s relationship to Lorena. Godric seems like he was good to Eric and thus inspired devotion and loyalty in him, unlike Lorena, who inspired nothing but hatred and loathing in Bill.

It’s because Eric embraced his second life…unlife. Bill only saw what was taken and not what he was given. Eric found a way to see beyond the blood, hence his business prowess, his loyal employees, and his damn good fashion sense.

Oh and Baby, I cried with you. And yes I will call you Baby, you cheeky monkey.

Meanwhile, Tara and Eggs wake up on the couch. Tara is wondering how they got there. Last thing she remembers is going into the woods. She doesn’t remember coming back home.

Oh I just don’t care!!!!!!

Eggs thinks it’s the joint. Tara ain’t buying that shit! Eggs admits that it’s happened to him several times because of the strength of Maryann’s weed. That bodes ominously huh?

Tara is wondering if the blackout has anything to do with the place Eggs found yesterday. Eggs is defensive and doesn’t think so. Tara thinks they’ve been baking too long and need to sober out.

Blah

Eggs says that he gets high enough on Tara and that she’s not her mama just because she got a little too stoned. Tara thinks that Eggs is like Sookie. He can read her mind and is her rock. Interesting. Looks like Maryann is trying to replace the Sookie in Tara’s life so that she can control Tara.

Blah

In the meantime, Sam hightails it back to Merlotte’s and does what every redneck does. Get his gun! Sammy’s Got a Gun…whole world’s come undone.

Steve brings some water to the people he is keeping captive and Sookie reiterates that they are coming for her! Can’t you just pull a jailbreak yourself?

This is just the kind of thing that Steve and Gabe are hoping for, so they can catch a few vamps in their clutches. They are ready for them!

I never wanted to be a vampire but if it means I can drain the likes of Gabe I may just give E a call… Oh yeah he’s totes turn me!

‘You’re gonna get yourself killed. That’s not a threat. That’s a fact.’ Foreshadowing? Anyway, Sookie’s hair looks so much better now.

‘They’ve got you all twisted up haven’t they? With their glamouring and their empty promises and their evil blood.’

‘You’re the ones who are twisted! You call yourselves Christians? Jesus would be ashamed of you!’ Good up on Sookie to tell him that, but the way it’s done, it makes her look like a self-righteous bitch. Like I said, I don’t like the way Raelle Tucker writes Sookie. She comes across badly, even if she doesn’t mean to.

Steve is all *giggle snort* ‘We’ll just have to agree to disagree on that one.’

‘Now things got a little out of hand last night and I apologize for that. I’m not the monster the vampire loving media makes me out to be.’ LOL, yeah right! Sookie agrees on that one with me. Don’t you love how he pays close attention to his media portrayal? Just like all good totalitarian rulers…‘All I want from you is a couple of answers and then I’ll be more than happy to feed you a nice hot breakfast and send you on your way.’ Steve plays good cop! Gabe is bad cop, I’m guessing. They’re trying to break the prisoners.

Yeah maybe the vampire lovin’ media could focus on the fact he is a sociopath with money and a God Complex!

Hugo breaks. Uh oh.

Of course he breaks! He’s a little weasel. I hope Izzy drains the fangbanger!!!!

‘Her name is Sookie Stackhouse and I’m Hugo Ayres. We were sent here by the vampires of Area 9 to find their sheriff.’

Steve recognizes that name! UH OH. And boy is that hair ever high…It’s like made of tin foil or something. There’s enough product to commune with God an aliens there. ‘Sookie Stackhouse? From Bon Temps?’

‘How do you know where I’m from?’ Oh great! Confirm their suspicions. Smart. SOOO bad at Long Cons. Epic fail.

Maybe Bill and Eric could have given her some pointers instead of letting her fly solo. I mean really as soon as Sookie said Easy Peazy we knew she was going to get the crap kicked out of her! How did they not know!!??

‘You’re Jason Stackhouse’s…sister.’ What he really wants to say is ‘You’re Jason Stackhouse’s, unrepentable, fangbanging, bitchhoslut whore of a sister!’

‘You know Jason?’ Even smarter…sigh…*facepalm* Someone is not smarter than a fifth grader. ‘He’s got nothing to do with this.’ Oh how wrong she is. Remember how Marlboro was one of the seediest cigarette companies? Sigh…

It’s time for Gabe and Steve to go round up Jason. Uh oh. ‘How do you know my brother?’ This is when the two storylines meet and we learn about irony.

Hello Sookie… Church Freaking Camp!!!!!

Sookie blames Hugo, but Hugo is done waiting for her boytoy and her damsel in distress act. At least someone is. He’s gonna get them out. Uh huh.

Sookie summons up the Telepathic Hot Line and calls up Barry telling him that she’s in real danger and that the sheriff is locked in the basement of the FOTS. Get Bill! Too bad he’s a little incapacitated right now…

Again I notice the good hair, this isn’t saying much when the first thing I notice is the hair. But then again I know it’s daytime and when their is light there is no Eric.

Meanwhile, Lorena has resorted to sleep deprivation techniques. That is SO Rumsfeld. Bill is all, ‘We need to sleep.’ But Lorena is onto that little sucker, knowing that the moment her head is down, he’d pull a Crispy Bill. She cares about Bill too much to allow him to destroy himself.

Oh please for the love of all things bloody let him fry!!!!!!

Bill tells Lorena that he may love Sookie, but he is not suicidal. Lorena is all ‘Bitch please, you’re an emo. Duh.’ She has also begun getting nosebleeds…Oooh.

Meanwhile, as it turns out, both of them are getting ‘The Bleeds’. They get really weak.  Someone give them a package of Always, probably the orange ones. Or better yet, does this mean that Bill is about to get Charlotte’d?

Oooh, it’s The Bleeds! Yikes!! What the hell are the bleeds? And do the just stop when it’s night time? I mean if you are going to give us something new maybe a little more than Jessica’s foreshadowing would be in order. Details people Details!!! How about the next time y’all want to have a schmoop fest you can it and explain some vampire rules to the viewing public, mmmkay?

Bill is all, Lorena is being stoopid! The Bleeds! And it’s like, better Lorena being stoopid then you, Bill. Anyways, Lor-Lor can’t keep Bill forever.

DUUUUD. Vampire. Immortal. Duh. I has patience skillz.

*facemac*


Bill sees a telephone.

Lorena yoinks it. He wants to know who she’s trying to dial.

Since Lor-Lor won’t let Bill go to Sookie, Bill wants to get someone who can. He begs Lor-Lor to allow him to call the Big E. Oh and Eric is the only reason why Sookie is in this mess. Nevermind the vamp hating churches wanting to kill them all…vamps and vamp lovers alike. ME, ME, ME. Myopia. Bill has it.

I would never have pegged Lorena for a narc but hey I didn’t think Bill was a liar last season so…….

Lorena laughs at the stoopid moron. Obviously Eric is the reason why Lor-Lor is here. Who couldn’t figure that out? Seriously. Your maker who you haven’t seen for oh 80 some odd years finally shows up at the same hotel after you’ve PO’d your sneaky vamp boss? Riiight.

Me Lorena. Me crush phone. Oops, did you want to use this? It’s all about the cell phone and sneak texting. But then Bill isn’t good with number keys…

Nice Simba, referencing the bath tub season from S1. *highfives*

‘He wants the girl, William. Just let him have her.’

And then Bill looks all punched in the gut. And it’s like DUUUUUD! You are a total moron. You’ve known FOREVER that Eric wants Sookie and you make OMFG!face now? Seriously. Scotty doesn’t know.

Ahhh no more close ups please!!!

Meanwhile at the FOTS, Jason is all ready to cut and run. Only he’s stopped by Steve in his typical redneck penis compensator. He is so gay.  He wonders where Jason is going. Jason says he’s just taking a walk with all his luggage. Oh Jason.

Hey he never claimed to be smart…. just horny.

He is cut off by Steve while Gabe brandishes the knife and forces him inside the car. Abducted! Do you know of any churches that abduct people?

And somehow absolutely no one notices this? Where the hell in the Lukenator when you need him?

He’s off praying and doing bible studies.

Andy tells the truth about the pig and Maryann’s orgy, only like Tara in the premiere, his truth is thought of as lies. Irony.‘…a bull mask! And giant claws! […] And the whole town had these big black saucer eyes like zombies!’

“..little pig..little pig!..”

Bud dos not buy it.

While Eggs and Tara are watching TV, bloody manfeet enter the house!

Oh it’s just Maryann and the bunny she killed. That’s less creepy than her manfeet.

That’s just…ewww. And come on really would it been that hard to get a stunt double for the bloody man feet that looked like a woman’s?

Just how okay is Maryann? Why she’s fantastic. She slept outside and communed with her animal nature. NUTS.

Oh no, it’s a bunny. *peaksthroughhands*

Maryann is all ready to make some rabbit stew but Tara is grossed out. Maryann waxes poetic that has nothing to do with the rabbit. Nonsequitor much?

Crazy much?

When asked what they did last night, Eggs and Tara said they just crashed. Also, Tara does not like how Maryann crashes, throws parties and makes the house look like a frat house.

Maryann dodges. She’s like dodge master. I had a few people over for drinks. Is that a problem?’ Tara is not impressed. It’s Sookie’s house. She can return any minute. ‘And when she does, I’m sure she’ll be grateful that you fixed that nasty old water heater and you took care of the place. You’re such a good friend.’ What do you say to that?

Does anyone else not notice the bloody bunny is seeping all over Gran’s chair? What, were y’all raised in a barn??

The Funny Farm that’s where.

Maryann goes off calling Karl all weird. ‘She is so fucking weird.’ No shit. Eggs loves the weird shit though…I guess he likes weed?

Uh Earth to Tara!!! Run!

Meanwhile some dramatic irony. Steve thinks Jason is an infiltrator like his sister and is pissed that he treated Jason like family. Jason thinks Steve is pissed that he slept with Sarah. Gabe is a goon. Let’s call him Grabbe. For Crabbe and Goyle. Jason is all apologizing for something he didn’t do lol.

‘I gave you a chance for salvation. I gave you a chance to be in his holy light and you chose *them*?’

‘Wait. Who are them?’ LOL.

Oh classic Jason, got to love him.

Steve wants Jason to drop the act. He knows! Conclusions. You are jumping to them! Jason’s like, ‘the roadcrew?’ LOL Jason. So clueless.

Jason is snakier than a snake in the grass! EVOL!

Jason tries to convince Steve of his innocence. But Steve won’t have it. Jason is going to hell. Wow. Murder. So not bible abiding. You kinda do have to get it though…I mean the vamp loving sister comes to infiltrate church and they catch her, the natural assumption is that Jason is infiltrating too and that he just created some sob story about his sister to get in.

Um did they not notice what a huge idiot Jason is? Like he would be the Stackhouse who could pull off a long term con. I think it’s pretty obvious the only one cable of that was Gran and she ain’t around to give those two pointers.

Lol. Enh. They think stupid is an act. It’s the easy way for everything. Play dumb and people get close to you because they feel more dominant because you’re stupid. They’re not threatened by you.

Meanwhile, Sam comes at Daphne with the gun. He wants answers!

Daphne is not afraid of the gun at all. She is not afraid of death. Sam thinks that she’s afraid of Maryann and that’s how she became her whore. ‘It ain’t whoring if you do it for love.’ Duh Sam. She willingly went to Maryann. She’s no victim.

She’s not afraid because she knows Sam is a big pussy and he screams like a girl when he is scared.

Sam gets Tara’s arc from last season. Advice comes in shitty package even though it’s good advice, but Sam’s trust is betrayed and his pride hurt. He is SCORNED. He trusted her with secrets no one else knew. How could she do this to her own kind? Oh, so she’s a racist too? I really think she just looks at the big picture.

Daphne has reached a higher state of being. She used to be pathetic like Sam, but Maryann showed her the way. How cult is that? Maryann could have killed her, but she saw something in Daphne, so she was spared. So now she has no fear, no limits, just love.

Cult Fest 2008… Get your tickets here.

Sam doesn’t think murder is love. Daphne says he’s not seeing the big picture, that he’s an ant next to Maryann. The dialogue here really sucks, but Daphne baits Sam. If he’s so insignificant, then why does Maryann go to all the trouble to get him? Because he’s the one that got away.

Sooo he’s really not insignificant because if he was Maryann would care he got away and she would move on…… HELLO!!!

The eyes that were in The Grudge is a manifestation of Maryann’s energy in people. She is driving them like tiny little remote control airplanes. That is just a bad line. Bad line. It doesn’t work on supernaturals though. She can do other stuff, like force shifts in shifters. She can’t get inside them, they have to go to her on freewill. Like vamps, she doesn’t like feeding from the willing.

‘I’m not a challenge. I’m a person.’ Individualism rears its head!

‘Not exactly.’

Point..Daphne.

Daphne is sweating like a pig. LOL. She invites Sam for a last swim.

Do pigs even sweat? Can someone get me that little piece of farm animal trivia? Hey Hoyt!!……

‘What the fuck is she!?’

‘She’s God, dum-dum!’ HORRIBLE line.

Seriously Simba, like who was hittin’ the bong when that line manifested itself?

Hugo needs to use the little boys’ room.

To bad he isn’t sharing a cage with Boo Hooo Bill, I think they would really hit it off.

Sookie offers him a bottle, but he knocks it away. When she tries to pull his hand from the fence, she gets visions!

Hugo is the traitor!

He’s the one that spilled the beans on Sookie coming to the FOTS with him.

How did the vamps not smell him or hear his breathing? Why is it in this world the rules only apply when it’s convenient?

If you’re living in the house, I’m guessing they would expect you to hang around. Or the vamps aren’t on guard 24/7 with their senses piqued. Dunno. They sacrifice logic for plot.

Maryann is the closest to God they’ll ever get. She has been called many names, but she is a maenad. Being that it is Greek, you pronounce it the British way ‘mee-nad’ like in British English it’s spelled  ‘haemophilia’ but it’s pronounced ‘hemophilia’. Sheesh.

She is a handmaiden of Dionysis aka. The Horned God. Oooh. Phallic.

Maryann is Satan? Nope. To-may-to, to-mah-to. Satan and Big D are just the wild energy of debauchery. Maryann brings it out in people and channels it.

By using her special Dildo powers.

But Sam is totally screwed because Maryann is immortal. He’ll never win. She was always here. Immortal trumps shifter! To Daphne, it’s worth it being with Maryann, but then she’s totally a crack whore.

Yeah who wouldn’t want to live out in a high end dog house?

Sam wants to know if he sacrifices himself would Maryann leave them all alone. Daphne doesn’t think so. She’s having too much fun. Sam should just go to her. She might even let him live.

Yeah but Sam needs to remember she said Dum Dum. I think that makes anything Daphne has to say null and void.

Sammy wants no part in it!

Well can you blame him? Tara licked his face and Andy running around screaming Pig, I would go the other way too!

Hugo used to be just like Sookie, thought himself an emancipated thinker. Especially when he got to bone Isabel because vampire sex rocks. He became addicted to it. Sheesh, take it to Sexaholics Anonymous. Honestly.

Um, TMI!

‘I’m no addict.’ Sure you aren’t…You’re an addict in a crazy toxic relationship that’s what.

Sookie’s on a cruise for one down the De Nile…….. LOL I know that was bad but I am leaving it!

Hugo started living his life to suit Isabel. He starts missing work, can’t leave her during the day, etc. He became someone he couldn’t recognize.

‘So you went to the Fellowship because you couldn’t control yourself?’ Now she’s just mocking him and not understanding the complex issue. HELL-LO. This could be you. It pretty much is you, hopping along after Bill like some puppy. I hate the way Raelle Tucker writes Sookie. She’s self-righteous and annoying.

At least her hair still looks good.

Hugo wanted Isabel to turn him so that they could be together at equals, only vamps don’t want that. She wants to use Hugo the same way Bill is using Sookie.

‘You don’t know Bill.’ And neither do you Sookie. He’s just using her because she reflects the best vision of himself for Bill to see a la Jate. He’s with her because he likes the idea of what Sookie is, not Sookie herself. She’s the virgin, untouched and innocent. Bill is using her like a crutch, a drug. She’s codependent too.

Sookie can’t see it because she never experienced a normal relationship with a man. He r father died, her uncle was a perv, her brother is a self absorbed user…..BINGO!!!! The one male constant in her life has been her brother and you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t affected by those closest to you.

Nope, and she’s traded one self-absorbed male for another. <

I know he and his friends are having you do their dirty work. I mean a telepath has to be a real trophy for a vampire.’ Hint, hint, Sookie. That much is obvious. Plus Sookie is using Bill just as much as Bill is using her. She’s only with him because she can’t hear his thoughts. That is the basis of their relationship, Bill’s need to be seen as good and Sookie’s need to be with someone she can’t hear.

This sinks into Sookie and she tells Hugo to shut up! Because he’s right! ‘All they care about is their own kind. That’s why I joined the Fellowship.’

‘So if the Newlins care so much about you, how come you’re still in here?’ I didn’t like the tone of her voice. She was way too spiteful.‘Face it, Hugo. You’re nothing but a fangbanging traitor to them.’

Hugo calls for Gabe to no avail, he’s out dealing with another Stackhouse sibling right now. Sorry dude.

‘Yep, you’re so important to them, aren’t ya?’ That was so unnecessary and just made Sookie sound like a total spiteful bitch. Not only that, self-righteous and she takes pleasure in someone else’s suffering too. Great writing, Raelle Tucker.

Meanwhile, Sarah is welcoming people into the church for the lock-in.

Oh, I have those pajamas!

Steve comes. He needs to talk to Sarah in private about Jason Stackhouse. OOOOH. She totally thinks he knows! LOL. Oh TB. Irony!

Everyone gets an Oh Shit Moment on TB!

Jason keeps trying to tell Gabe he’s innocent, but to no avail. ‘You’re damn right there’s been a mistake, boy, and it started the minute your mama spread out her legs and pushed out you and your whore of a sister.’ OOOH. Them fighting words!

I so hope E gets a chance to drain that lunatic!

Jason’s all fired up! He punches Gabe and proceeds to beat him up for it. But not very well though. It doesn’t look like he landed any punches or kicks. A. Bad editing. B. Bad acting.

C. Insurance wouldn’t cover Ryan’s sweet ass if he got hurt……

He runs off after kicking Gabe in the balls. He so wishes he was one of the angels in Dogma right about now…

LAFAYETTE IS BACK! WOOOOOO! He’s also back to selling V, but he’s got that pizazz! He’s also great at pulling the sell.

Oh my sug pie!!!!!

Arlene shows up, she needs to talk to Tara and she’s glad Sam hasn’t shown up yet.

‘Excuse you, it says ladies on that door!’ ‘So what you skank hos doing in here?’ ‘Watch yourself, bitch.’ Obviously Tara hasn’t seen his t-shirt…

MMM, Get on with your bad self!

‘I am and I is gorgeous!’ I LOVE YOU LAFFY!

That’s it baby Sash Shay Sash Shay…. Work it!

Tara asks about his leg. They are talking about this later. Something tells me Laffy is good at dodging things too.

So Terry and I, we’ve been you know?’ ‘Fucking?’ ‘NO. Well, lord knows I’ve been pulling out all the stops. My hot oils, my nasty lingerie, but you know, every time we get cozy or first base, he goes running like someone lit a fire in his whities!’ LOL.

Oh Oh! My Ears!! My Ears!!

‘Okay, cut to the real bad part.’ Tara has had enough of the shit!

I am right there with ya sista. *groans*

‘So last night, I thought I’d try getting a few drinks in him, loosen him up. And it seemed like it was working pretty good, til I blacked out.’ ‘You blacked out?” Tara is taking notes! Someone in this TV show has to. ‘Hadn’t happened to me since junior prom! Thing is, last night, I think I mighta had my way with him, a little. A little bit. Kinda against his will. Maybe?’ LOL. BTW, that makeup is REALLY bad Arlene.

again TB with the assault on my eyes!

‘Are you telling me you date raped Terry Bellefleur? How is that even possible?’ LOL.

Tara, honey, this is Arlene we’re talking about….ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

Arlene tells her that there were certain tell tale signs and confirms that she doesn’t remember anything.

Poor Terry.

Tara is linking two and two together…

We should introduce Tars to Count Von Count…..

In the bar, Laffy sees Eggs. ‘Now see that just ain’t motherfuckin’ fair.’

Oh Laffy really you can do sooo much better. (Nimbo hush your mouth)

‘First time in my goddamned life I ain’t chasin’ after trouble and it keeps walkin’ in my fuckin’ door.’

I feel your pain Laffy been there done that….well not that but *cough* other things.

‘Look at you. Dayam. Ain’t nuthin’ good can come out o’ somethin’ so pretty.’

Did he just call Eggs pretty? Pam! Pam! What did you do to our boys eyes? Or can he see is as from there cuz damn Eggs does have a fine ass…….

Eggs realizes that he must be Laffy and tries to introduce himself.

Laffy don’t shake hands. He’s much to fabulous! ‘Tara’s Eggs?’

Naw, he’s just been hangin’ out with the vampers, pickin’ up on their social cues.

‘You know that just don’t sound right. Your name’s Benedict. Why don’t people just call you Ben?’ ‘Or Dict?’ LOVE YOU LAFFY!

Oh that Laffy *foozleslaffy*

‘Behave.’ ‘Satan in a Sunday hat, girl.’ Isn’t it interesting how right Laffy is on that. And apparently Maryann is Satan. I wonder if that makes Eric Santa? ‘I’m tryin’ to tell you Satan in a beautiful Sunday hat.’ I like that both Tara and Laffy look out for each other even though it’s tough love.

RL Simba…RL

Meanwhile, Andy comes in like the town crazy looking for Terry. ‘I’ll be kickin’ your ass so hard, you be shittin’ boots!’

Classic Andy makes me happy.

‘Andy, what happened to your arm?’ ‘I ain’t talkin’ to you, devil worshipper.’ LOL. Well, she is under Maryann’s clutches.

Sam joins the party, listening to Andy talk. ‘I saw you last night. I saw all o’ you! Go ahead. Laugh at the crazy drunk guy. I know what I saw!’

I know the truth and I am still laughing at the crazy drunk guy….what does that say about me?

‘Terry’s not here. You want me to call him?’ ‘Fuck you, Zombie Woman! Fuck all o’ y’all Devil Zombies! Turnin’ this town into Orgy from Hell! I’ll stop ya! I will stop ya if it’s the last thing I ever do!’ LOL. Don’ you just love how Andy is right about everything. It’s also interesting that Tara and Sam both hear the conversation.

It runs in the family, Terry is pretty much on point with everything despite his “Town Crazy* status.

Andy smells like a drunk, so no one believes him. It’s the Boy Who Cried Wolf all over again.

Plus no one wants to see the truth when it’s about them, they will do anything and everything before facing exactly what ther are. It’s called human nature.

Eggs says goodbye to Sam on the way out and Sam wants to hide behind his tail…Aww.

Ever see a dog lick his lips over and over again when they are nervous, their ears are all down and they have a worrisome expression in their eyes? Sam slam dunked it.

Jessica wakes up to Hoyt’s roses and candles. AWWW.

Bleeding Love…. again with the sound track of our undead lives. Poetic.

He got the candles in the gift shop. They have blood in them and smell like soup lol.

Tomato Soup? Beef Soup? Maybe Blood Soup? Hey don’t knock it until you try it my friends.

Jess is very moved. Aww. Everything is perfect.

It was what Hoyt was going for. He wants her first time to be as perfect as she is. Aww. ‘Hoyt, just take off your pants.’

Take that Daddy Vamp!!

Aww, young love! They are so adorable.

Jason is running along the road.

A crazy golf cart comes after him. It’s Sarah! Uh oh!

Jason is glad to see her. He’s been running for hours. Oh, I wouldn’t be. I’m guessing hubby told her he’s an infiltrator. Don’t you just love coincidences? He tells her that Steve and Gabe are trying to kill him.

Looks like Sarah is too. ‘Sarah no!’ Don’t you love how soap opera this is? Oh and country hick. Of course she goes after him in a suped up golf cart. She shoots him! With a paint ball gun? lol.

They say everything is bigger in Texas. For the first time I believe this to be true.

In the crotch? LOL. She is a woman scorned…

Don’t look so pitiful, you had to know this was bound to happen!

Daphne has spent her day at the lake.

Dum Dum

Maryann comes to see her and Daphne is happy. She’s missed her. How cute. Her hair looks horrible. Like a dog.

‘Thank you, for your service.’ OMG! This is so pink slip time! Run little piggie! Run all the way home!

It’s okay, I am pretty sure this chick has a daytime gig too.

Oh look, it’s Eggs a la Grudge.

Maryann looks so satisfied with herself does she not?

Oops. I guess he does Maryann’s dirty work. No wonder he gets all the blackouts.

Way more blood dribbles from Daphne than should be possible. Oh Daphne, don’t cry, you had to know that you were so easily expendable. I’m guessing she wants Sam to be her new shifter groupie. She’s over you. This is SO Lost. Oh and I’ll bet she wants Tara as the new Eggs.

Um overkill much?

Maryann smiles. Isn’t she nice? Somehow I don’t hate her like I hated Admiral Caine.

Who’s Admiral Caine? Awww forget it!

Imagine Maryann as a huge vampire racist trying to kill Hoyt using legal means because he loved Jessica, because the vamps and humans are at war. Therefore Hoyt is a bit of a traitor. Oh and Hoyt also impregnates Jessica. Jessica is captured by the humans, imprisoned and let’s pretend that Gabe is Maryann’s no. 2, and she condones rape towards prisoners. So Hoyt tries to save her, but in the process accidentally kills Gabe, so Maryann has an opening to kill Hoyt legally. He killed an officer.

Battlestar Galactica. Watch it.

Gabe comes to the holding cell. Hugo is happy to see him. He wants out! There’s no point for him to be in there now. The FOTS is stupid enough to hold a traitor with a mind reader.

Gabe’s pissed he got his ass kicked by the blonde little fairy *wink*, so Hugo is just going to have to take the wrath. He deserves it so really it’s all good.

Hugo wants protection. I guess Gabe doesn’t want to give it.

Sookie tries to stop him. All she gets is tossed into some shelves. Gabe has a vendetta against the Stackhouses! Ooh. Wow, they really are gonna go there!

Do you think she will come out unscathed like she did from getting pulled down the stairs? I mean we watched her head hit like eight stairs and thrown around like a rag doll but somehow in this universe she remains healthy and spry. Dum Dum.

But I’ve seen Athena get raped. So did not need that rehashed. And then my precious Helo almost got killed because of that Bitch Admiral Caine.

Bill realizes that something is very wrong. He tries to make a break for it.

Boo Hoo Bill is now Not Fast Enough Emo Bill

Open that door and Lorena will end you! Nice.

Sweet.

She’s given Bill everything! EVERYTHING! ‘And you throw it away moaning over what you’ve lost?’ That’s Bill for you. ‘You disgust me!’ He disgusts us all! It’s not just you, Lor-Lor. How did you put up with that wet blanket for so long? You’re not that desperate. Honestly.

Here Here!!! *RaisesVampireCocktailinSalute*

Bill wants Lorena to let him go. He’s got his balls back right? She says no. She made him and he is his! OOOH! ‘You know I don’t love you!’ Poor Lorena.

William show your Makes some respect! God knows you won’t show your sheriff any. So this brings me to the conclusion it was Lorena’s doing that caused Bill to not have respect for his elders. She should have smacked him around more.

‘You have never tried.’ Bill doesn’t know the meaning of the words try. If he knew how to try, he wouldn’t be emo.

Bill starts yelling again. He spent decades trying…suuuuure. He killed innocent people to prove to Lorena that he loved her! Magic erase marker being erased…magic wand being waved…Bad deeds begone! Ugh.

Really? So it was all Lorena’s fault?  He looked like he was having a splendid time taking a blood bath with Lorena just the week before. And I don’t want to here how he faked it, just ask Arlene, men can’t fake it.

‘I do not, I can not, I will never love you.’ Poor Lorena.

Really Bill? Do you have to be so mean!?

Men have readily laid down their lives to spend just one night with me. What more can I give? What is it that you want from me?’ Smart Bill, insult the strong vampire…Looks like Bill’s gonna be that one that got away…

Bill wants to be freeeeeeee. Lorena says that without her, he’d be alone forever. Bill tells her that’s what Lorena is afraid of, not him. ‘You are the saddest, loneliest creature I have ever known.’ Poor Lor-Lor. I also think this is foreshadowing. Something about Bill makes me think that he is destined to be alone.

Lor-Lor pushes him over the table! How dare he! I hope that hurt.

Bill sees an opening! ‘You hate me that much?’

‘Let me go!’

Please already so we can all just move on!

“I cannot live without you.’ Oh Lorena, honey, you can. He’s not worth your time. I also miss your eyebrows.

Yeah what she said…..

‘You’ll have to.’ DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

Yeah Do it! Do It!!!! But somehow in the end I don’t think Bill would have done it. If he really wanted to die and if he really didn’t enjoy what he was doing then why didn’t he try to stake himself before? Hmmmmm

Apparently Lorena’s eyebrows have the Looks That Kill, dun nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, that kill…

‘As your maker, I release you.’ Awww.

And then Bill doesn’t have to stake himself. Dammit. Of course, how else would he become a saint. Suicide means no sainthood. That’s miracle number 2! Woo! He stands up against the demoness, he shuns suicide even though he wants it! What’s number 3? Falling in love with a human. Yay. *golf claps*

‘You released me! What could you possibly gain from this?’ ‘You’re making a fool of yourself with that girl. You have no future with her. Everyone knows it but you.’ DUH. But Billdo NEVER thinks about the big picture. It’s all ME, ME, ME.

‘Some day you’ll see this for what it is. An act of love.’ Interesting and twisted, Lor-Lor.

I love twisty. Twisty makes me happy.

There is a knock at the door! ‘Yes?’ LOL.

Hehehehe I love Lorena.

It’s Barry with a message for Bill! ‘I’m sorry, he’s tied up right now.’ LOL. ‘I’ll be happy to pass it along.’ I’m sure you would…

*sigh* Oh Berry, my hero…….

Eric Hears a Who! ‘Tell him Sookie Stackhouse is in the basement of the Fellowship of the Sun Church.‘ Eric listens in! OOOH! He looks all lost and forlorn without daddy…

Sitting all alone in his room. He looks like he needs someone to snuggle with. *raiseshand*

‘She says the sheriff’s there. She’s in some kind of trouble.’ OOOH! Now…what really piques Eric’s interest? Godric or Sookie? Or both?

Exactly my question! Was he waiting for the full details before he rushes out? Or was it’s hearing Godric was in the basement? Or does he tell himself it’s all about Godric when in truth it has more to do with Sookie than he would care to admit?

It’s Eric to the rescue a la The Flash! WOOO!

FLLLLAASSSSHHH… Flash Gordon!

Oh and this is THE LAST TIME Barry is helping you and your vampire friends, Sookie.

Unless you fall under the clutches of Lorena that is.

Poor Berry, now he is going to have to plead to be FREEEEEEEEE!

As all this is going on, Gabe is attempting to rape Sookie! O.o. He is seriously scum of the earth.

Nice abs Sook!! But on a less superficial note…. If someone does not drain that piece of shit I am so gonna have to take care of business! Someone hand me my idiot stick!

This is really harrowing to watch. Still, grandma panties? Dear production, can we PLEASE make Sookie look better? They don’t even sell that dress at Wal*Mart!

As a bookie I knew I would have to let go of the hope most moments from the books I love would be scrapped. So now I must take that ability to let go of the things I simply cannot change and let go of the costume/hair/makeup issues. It’s just to damn distracting!

Only to be thrwarted by Godric! WOOO! Godric chokes a bitch!

Yummy.

Sookie wonders if it really is Godric. I kinda miss Godric’s scraggly hair.

Godric is just like, ‘Fuck yeah, bitches!’

And I am like no wonder E was cryin’ I would to if I lost track of this one!

Hi, it’s Lil!!

First I wanted to thank Simba for letting me join her this week. It was so much fun and honestly if I had more time I would do this every week! I loved it! I had so much fun I am not nearly as nervous as I was when I set forth in my first ever recap. I had a lovely time. I also wanted to mention I really liked this episode! It was one of my favorites of the season.

So now on to a couple of things I wanted to address.

I think I have figured out why many of us feel so detached from Sookie. At least for me it is because we don’t have any real insight to who she is because all the great layers of her life and inner dialogue were lost when AB decided telling Jason and Tara’s stories were more important than Sookie’s.

So we don’t get the moment where she worries about how to pay for clothes, or making dinner or worrying about the taxes, or gardening. We don’t get to see the inner struggle her character experiences when she thinks about living life with a vampire, her telepathy or the state of her family. It’s the little things that make Sookie, Sookie that are lost in the translation.

Another thing I would like to just throw out there for consideration is Bill’s blatant lying in S1. He told Sookie during their first date/walk he had “accidently” killed a few humans when he was a very young vampire. That is clearly one doozey of a lie. So even if this week they wanted to reinstate Bill’s sainthood, it failed to hit the mark for me. He is a liar! He killed more than a few and he seemed to relish it when he was in the moment. Even if he regretted after or felt remorse it does not erase the lives he took and carnal pleasure he partook in while a young woman bled out next to him. So in the end who really is the manipulator here? I vote Bill.

I have more stuff to say but I must save that for another day. The plumber is insisting I go to bed before 2 am!

Cheers!

I hope you enjoyed that recap brought to you by me and Lil!

As usual, caps are from marishna on LJ. They were supplemented with caps from black-celebration.net and ones I made myself. The gif is from bluebear.

~simba_317

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59 Responses to “Beware! St. Bill Rises Again!”

  1. […] Beware! St. Bill Rises Again! Yes, this is earlier than usual, but I had to work quicker because we have a special guest today, Lil! Click the picture! […]

  2. I haven’t watched the episode yet (not even sure I will), but I have to comment on Lorena’s eyebrows (yep. Noses and eyebrows are kind of my obsession heheeh): HOW did she change their shape? I mean, aren’t vamps supposed NOT to be able to change their appearence?!
    Well, I guess that in AB’s world only Bill can’t change it (at least so far)…
    Talk about not being able to stick to his own rules!!!

    And what is up with people’s underwear?! I think that my grannies underwears are not that huge!!!!!! Gosh!

    • Well, given that her eyebrows in the 20s and 30s were painted on, she powdered her face, got rid of her real brows and then drew them in. lol.

      ~simba_317

  3. Great recap as usual Simba and loved the special guest too! Lil you did well, I SO agree w/you on Tara & Eggs and your note. Haven’t commented before since I found out about these recaps but felt compelled to because of all the BSG & Helo references. Simba, I LOVE YOU!! Thank you for giving love to one of my all-time favorite shows, I’m still mourning the end of the series & the lack of Emmys esp. for Mary McDonnell. But that’s a rant for another day and venue 😉 At least the Television Critics Association made up a little for the snubs and named TB “Outstanding New Show”.

    I really enjoy your recaps, sometimes I feel like we have the same brain because you’re writing the same stuff I’m thinking- how’d you get in my head?! 😉
    Keep up the great work!

    • Oh I know! I actually got to meet Edward James Olmos and ask him about filming that last scene with Mary in the Raptor. I heart Helo to death! He had me at all sacrificing his seat for Baltar!

      I’m glad you liked it!

      ~simba_317

  4. I still love Bill. He is more my type than Eric. Eric so far has proved himself to be a liar as far as Sookie is concerned. I can’t stand lying, not from anyone for any reason. I don’t like deceit from anyone and Eric is deceitful. Sorry, but that’s a fact.

    • I suppose you haven’t read the books? Eric is more trustworthy then Bill. I’m sorry to say. Bill isn’t as truthful as he seems…or as innocent.

      I love that they are showing more of Eric, although I wish they showed that he’s not such a bad guy. And yes, his neck is amazing 🙂

    • Bill is just as deceitful as Eric, if not more so because he pretends that he isn’t. Eric hasn’t pretended to be a good guy or put up airs that he is, like Bill has. Bill has already lied about fundamental things, like Lil brought up. He ‘accidentally’ killed people in his early years. The flashback in ‘Hard-Hearted Hannah’ showed us that was anything BUT accidental. It was premeditated. Bill has already lied to Sookie about Jessica. He failed to mention killing Bartlet. Even killing Bartlet is questionable. He is not God. Hell, so is killing the Rattrays via revenge killing.

      ~simba_317

  5. Your recaps seriously make my day, and having watched Lost and other things you talk about, I am in total agreement with everything you have written.

    And yeah….I could stare at, lick, bite…whatever Alex’s neck for eternity. There can not be a spot on that mans body that isn’t perfect

  6. I found typos. I hate when I miss my typos!!! Now I am gonna have to go back and fix them. And I also didn’t add like 8 cap comments from my notes. Like maybe I should do recaps at 2 am and little sleep the night before?

    Oh Simba you have some training to do! I am the suk!

  7. *scratcheshead* Um Did I not point out that Bill is a BIG FAT LIAR? *shakeshead&walksaway*

  8. And that is just the first of many lies, if AB sticks even remotely close to the story of the books, it will be hard to ignore all of Bill’s manipulations. Then again so far the BL Wish List seems to have won out so who knows…..

  9. Lil, remember that TB is just FANFICTION! Nothing more, nothing less… So what really matter is what CH decides to do. And we know really well what a charming man Book Bill really is, right?! 😉

  10. I like Book Bill better than Show Bill right now. Brighter Bill manipulated me as badly as he has Sookie. At least with Book Bill I know what to expect.

    And the truth is Mima I am starting to get used to having two separate SVM universes. I just wish the fundamental parts of the characters hadn’t been changed. As an FF writer I try to respect CH’s vision and keep the characters in canon, but you know what it’s called poetic license for a reason. And the truth is I hope someday I am lucky enough to have fans of my OC publications be passionate enough to right FF! LOL

  11. Awesome review! wow Simba and Lil you both nailed it!!! It’s like you took the words/thoughts out of my mouth/brain. And yea I do think Tara & Jason’s story lines are taking over the Sookie’s story line. It makes me annoyed and impatient whenever I watch I can’t help but thinking come on already, get on with it.

    Also I agree with both of you 100% the writing was way off especially Sookie’s character – Can she get any dumber or bitcher or selfish? *shrugs shoulder* maybe Jason is rubbing off on her. I feel like TB Sookie is not good enough for TB Eric! Not only did the writing have flaws but I felt like there was too many gags but who know maybe they did that on purpose.

    I liked book Bill only in “Dead Until Dark’ he had a mysterious quality about him. I thought book Sam’s charater was a bit boring but In this episode for some reason TB Sam seems more like a man and TB Bill seems more like a wuss!

    My only TB complaint is we need more Pam and Ohh you are so dead on “St. Bill” ugh!!!

  12. Just discovered your site…awesome. Your recap is great. I am all on board for more Eric! Oh, as a side note, I thought I was the only one that “enjoyed” the eyebrow and the neck…lol. i am getting really tired of Sookie and Bill this season. She is shrill and he is spineless. Eric, Pam, and Lafayette are really where it’s at (especially Mr. Northman). Their scenes are the only ones with really oomph.

  13. As always, another fabulous review!! And as always, dead on in your observations. Can’t wait till next week! 🙂

  14. This is such a great recap, you guys are just hilarious! Luff it! XD I agree with Lil’s note about Sookie in the show… she needs more depth, but perhaps it is due to what Alan Ball said at ComicCon about not being able to keep Anna filming for 18 hours a day…? The book offers more insight because it’s told from Sookie’s POV, which is difficult to do in filming… it’s very frustrating because the story suffers and we lose a little of our beloved Sookie in the process. I just hope that they don’t mess *too* much with the Eric/Sookie story line from the books. I would be so sad.

    *goes back to stare at Alexander’s neck some more, sigh* 😀

    • The thing is, given their little screen time, characters like Tara and Jason have been given more depth than Sookie. Bill has too. So much MORE could be developed about the main character that hasn’t. It’s incredibly disappointing. It’s called the Sookie Stackhouse novels from which True Blood is based off of, but her development as a character is sorely lacking.

      ~simba_317

    • I also agree with Lil’s note and I think that the changes they need to make for Sookie would not require any more shooting time for Anna (unless she has some problem memorizing intelligent dialogue). Frankly, the things that could be done to flesh that character out could happen in so many ways — her responses, her decisions, and also giving the character some believable motivation. does she just want to be a waitress by day and schmoop with Bill all night? i felt like the pilot started Sookie out on the right foot and the first few subsequent episodes were OK, but it just slid downhill from there. Is Sookie too much of a challenge for the writers? Or are the writers just skilled in writing two types of women (Evil Dragon Lady OR Damsel In Distress)? Whatever it is, they need to rectify ASAP!

  15. Great recap Ladies!! The thing about Saints is, that they are supposed to have been real people at some point. Real people have both good and bad within them. But not Bill. AB would have us believe that Bill is in no way responsible for any of his actions. Everything he’s ever done has been noble, everything for the “right reasons” and anything bad, well that just wasn’t his fault, it was all the fault of that pesky Lorena, she made him do it, he wasn’t really to blame. Two words, AB — Puh. Leeze. The cannonization of Bill has got to be the most boring story arch on TV right now. It is…Seriously lame. Eric, on the other hand keeps us guessing, sparks our interest, and leaves us literally (and loudly) Begging for more. Now, my question is, Why aren’t we the viewers, the consumers, the Buyers of all things True Blood (helllloooo HBO, that’s called getting a clue) being Denied access to the most exciting character on TV? Why are we subjected to constant angst & pathetic whining when we’re jonsing for some hot Viking action? WHY?

  16. They’ve wiped clean any fault he may have had in killing innocent people and once again made him into a boring character.
    OMG~~
    I haven’t finished all of your post, I just can’t help myself to comment!! You are soooo right about Bill scenes!!!
    Gosh! And the “dum-dum” line really freak me out!

    I really can’t stand the writers make Eric be the “bad” guy!!
    Why on earth they have to make Eric be the devil while Bill be the “angle”???
    Ewwwww~~~~

    I miss books sooo much.

    Sorry to be so emoXDDD

  17. “Meanwhile in the bedroom, Hoyt and Jessica are making out. Don’t you just love that in the room next door Lorena is holding Bill captive, but they don’t know it? So funny.

    Must be those sound proof rooms that are only sound proof when it’s called for in the script.”

    ROFL tell me about it! You should really make a post like this totally on the “sound proofed” walls. 🙂

  18. Is Godric even the same actor from before???? Looks like he got taller, bigger, just all around diffrent looking o.O

  19. Great recap! Two things disturb me about TB that you touched on, the fact that Jason and Tara’s story has supplanted Sookie’s so we don’t really know her all that well. Secondly, the books were great but they didn’t flesh out the richness of Vampire culture and I thought Alan Ball would have taken the opportunity to give us more insight than turning it into a more human oriented storylines (Jason and Tara..again.) You’re right, not nearly enough Eric! Also, it’s a testement to Alexander Skarsgard that I haven’t ripped my eyes out because we’re getting a smidgen of Eric’s personality. Where’s the sense of humor? The joie de vivre? Badass we got. Emo we’re getting and I for one do NOT like it! Eric crying? I needed several nuns to wash my mouth out with soap when that went down last week. Jessica is a breath of fresh air and they hookup with Hoyt is awesome. I could care less about any orgy that does not include Eric in pink spandex tights and combat boots. Also, why the hell are these orgies so hetero? It’s HBO for chrissakes! Take some damn liberties! As for the the whitewashing of Bill? Makes me sad Very sad. Thanks for a great recap, I look forward to future (hilarious) commentary.

    • Wow you just said it all. *hugs Violhaine* My parents watch True Blood and I can’t explain to them the differences in the characters between the books and the show. They don’t know what’s driving me nuts when Bill is all nice and sweet and the real Eric is being hidden from us. You’re right the Humour is missing! I need to stop before I need your nuns to wash out my mouth. 😛

      • I am with you guys! The Eric in the books..amazing whereas Bil starts taking a backseat. It’s time for Mr. Compton to give up some screen time in favor of Eric. Alexander Skarsgard is amazing. Someone who creates so much with such little screen time.

  20. Yey, just got home to read this treat. It was brilliant ladies, thank you so much. Cracks up over the ‘Schmoop Twins’ ‘the Old man Bill pict’ and ‘boo boo Bill’ ROFL. Classic, lol. You guys should seriously consider starting a comedy routine. Or atleast save the list of nicknames for future reference. 😉 Thanks so much for the entertainment!

  21. I just found your site. It’s great! I love that it’s Sookie, Bill, Sookie, ERIC, Battlestar Gallactica (lol), Andy. Too funny.

  22. Great recap! Super funny, and loving the big E haha.
    “You know who else likes snuggling? Eric.”
    Can’t wait for Season 3, “Eric, what are you doing here? *snuggling*” If they cut out that I will be very sad.

    • If they don’t leave that line in I won’t be happy. That was one of my favourite Eric quotes!!! Along with “Your lips are bloody”(Living Dead in Dallas), and “You nearly lost everything” (club Dead) the list goes on. Pretty much my favourite parts in the books are the one’s with Eric in them.

  23. I would love for Sookie and Eric to get together. Sure, I like Bill – but something just seems off. The comments above point out his small (but significant) lies and in reality it could be compaired to a first love. Who stays with theirs? Not many. So maybe Bill is just the climbing point to Eric.
    You can see he has some strange fascination with sookie, and even the first moment she saw him, she was also drawn to him.
    I picked up the first book because apparently there is some sookie/eric action later on, not to mention better character development on her.

    TEAM ERIC ALL THE WAY

  24. *i really think you need to patient on the eric thing. it’s coming. i don’t want him to be like a guest star one day and then the main attraction the next. it just won’t feel believeable.

    * why didn’t sookie even TRY to break out? geez, maybe a piece from the polar bear fish biscuit machine could have been of some help? 😉

    * gawd, is it just me or did those bill-lorena scenes just draaaaaaag on? though i must agree that lorena sure could could give sookie a “what not to wear” session or two. sookie’s clothes are dreadful and i am appalled by almost all the hair on the show.

    * i think we finally got the old jason back. i am not sure if i want him, but i was definitely tired of the FOTS Jason.

    *i am still amazed that Sookie had NO idea where her brother went off to. i am always bugging my brother about his whereabouts and he lives in a totally different country. i guess it’s just one of those “suspend my disbelief” situations…seem to come up a lot in this show….

    *is it just me or is andy turning into a very annoying one-note character who was added to make the lowest-brow tb watchers laugh? i hope the writers respect us viewers enough to give that character some depth and comeuppance…or kill him off quietly. Lost would never give us a character like that unless they were gonna Frogurt him pretty soon, and heck Frogurt was Citizen Kane compared to Andy!

    *also, i just wanna thank the gods above that we did not have to see that creepy photo shopped picture of sookle, tara, and gran in this episode. someone in the set design department should permanently “misplace” that item!

    *finally, thanks for the recap. i didn’t much care for Lil’s additions since her additions were not very insightful and were often misspelled and/or grammatically correct. she just isn’t fangirl enough for my geeky taste, but eh “good effort!” nonetheless! simba dear, thanks for putting in the time to make this recap something i look forward to every week.

    • Wow thanks for coming on and being mean just for the hell of it! LOL JK!!!

      I totally disagree with your view on Andy. There is story there it just hasn’t played out yet.

      And I think it’s quite clear Sookie and Jason just aren’t close so why would she check on him?

      As far as Sookie breaking out well I think that was obvious, She is WAITING FO BILL! *rollseyes*

      • lili, i love you for taking my crit with style and grace, and now i wanna take it all back because you are kinda rocking my world right now. 😉

        i am still waiting it out on andy. i wanna trust you but i just can’t. you’re gonna have to glamour me into it, ha ha. but just maybe you know something i don’t. darn you book people have a leg up on things! i’d never heard of the books before true blood, so i think i am gonna shrink into the corner with a pile of books and come back when i know more!

        keep on rocking lili!

    • Awww, well the truth is it’s all about fun and passion and I can’t get mad about what anyone says. Yeah it stung a little, as a writer I should have edited better and now I am fighting the urge to go back and edit!

      As far as being a Bookie, I was a Truebie first. I read the first 8 books in 9 days (after watching S1 like 3 times) and that was while having my wisdom teeth pulled. Book 10 was finished in about 5 hours while I had the flu and a temp of 103. I am a reader and a viewer and an FF writer so my passion for this story is huge! And I am glad you knew I wasn’t rolling my eyes at you, but at Sookie for standing around like some damsel in distress! If you only knew what that girl did for those she loved and to save her own hide you would be smacking your head against the TV too.

      As for being a fangirl, I do have a family and a job and writing so I can’t be the best of the best fangirls, but know my passion, devotion, and love for TB, SVM, and my most beloved Alexander Skarsgard runs deeper than than Grand Canyon and wider than the Niagara Falls..*giggles* 😉
      Ahhhh to be a romantic fool, it’s all CH’s fault she made me this way by creating Eric and sharing him with us!

    • I have to agree with Camille Lili wasn’t very good with her comments most of them were childish and simply pom poming everything Simba said. I actually think that most of the people who comment on here would have done a better job than she did. That being said I did like a few of her comments, HOstage sookie hair comment was funny. I can only hope that she will not be doing anymore recaps. However she did some what redeem her self with her closing statement about Sookie I only wish that she had shown us her depth and insight in her comments throughout the recap.

  25. I just found your blog and this recap is awesome! I couldn’t agree with you more.

    • I am glad you found us!!! Welcome!!!!!! And Thanks!

      • lili, you handled my snarky crituque of your recap so well it shamed me into feeling bad. I should never have attacked you like that, definitly shouldn’t have been so personal. I am sometimes too blunt, and you really did redeem yourself with your closing statements on Sookie. So I just want to say that I’m sorry and I appreciate your and Simba blog very much.

  26. amazing recap. i couldnt agree more with everything– and i loooove the lost comparisons. boo woo bill and crybaby i can fix things jack should go in a corner and mope together. lol. look forward to reading more!

  27. I have a thought on why AB is writing Bill and Eric’s fanfic, uh, I mean True Blood characters the way he has: Stephen Moyer and Anna P have been dating for a while now, and just got engaged. Perhaps he wants to keep her happy by keeping her boyfriend as her love interest on the show? Just a guess.
    I know I was pretty ticked when in season 2 Sookie demands $5,000 for a new driveway. WTF?! Eric did that OWN HIS OWN, FOR HER, in the books. That reminds of the season 1 crap AB wrote in the story about Bill staking LS. Yet again, WTF?!! In the book, ERIC STAKES LS!!! I’m glad we got Jessica out of it, but I am getting really turned off by the way Eric is made to look like an *sshole while Bill is made to look like a saint. Hellllllooooooo? To the Bill lovers: we loved Bill too, right up until oh, book two? Yep. Book two, of nine. We liked him too, but guess what? I hate to break it to you Bill fans, but the Bill on the show is a fallacy. It’s something AB has created for the show, so just read the books before you comment further on Bill’s sainthood and Eric’s lying. I’m done reading people hating on Eric. We liked him too until we KEPT READING. True Blood is not the real deal. It’s a show. A show I only continue to watch because of Alexander Skarsgard, the newly married Ms. Bauer, and the dude that plays Lafayette.

    • Whoa! Tell me what you really feel lol.

      You know…I think we all feel the fear that Alan Ball may be catering to the real life relationship of Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin, but I do think what keeps that in check will be the quality of the show, which I think is more important to Alan Ball and to everyone involved, than whether or not their personal biases are met. Already people are just plain BORED of Bill and Sookie together. That’s their downfall. We’re tired of seeing it. Stephen Moyer is aware that we can’t watch a couple be happy for 12 episodes…well, they’ve mostly been happy this season. The quality of the show will suffer if it continues to go this way with Sookie and Bill for a multitude of reasons, including the vapidness of the couple, Bill’s lies, Sookie’s inexperience etc to name a few.

      I think the best thing is that HBO is a cable network, they care about ratings a LOT more, because it will save or sink a show. They reach less people, so what they do show has to matter. Alan Ball can say what he wants…the truth is that, fan opinions, media opinions etc, DO play a part in how a show is written, because a lot of opinions are valid. I’ve seen it with Lost. Pikki are dead in 14 episodes. That is not to say that I don’t know of actors who have butt into the writer’s room and ruined a show.

      Secondly, actors and actresses will say whatever they want about the show, including ‘BILL ALL THE WAY!’ but they’re not writing the scripts. All that matters is what you see on screen.

      Thirdly, the Bill/Sookie relationship was so last year…not many people seem to be that invested in it any longer. If Alan Ball keeps playing them up, ratings will suffer. HBO has the final say ultimately, and I can see HBO taking a stand if things get out of hand, because they have a product to sell, Bill/Sookie isn’t selling well right now, so I think they need a new product.

      ~simba_317

    • I’m with Michelle! The Sookie/Bill storyline has lost it’s steam, and it seems that in an effort to gain momentum they’re squashing moments that should belong to Eric. Lafayatte, Pam, and of course Mr. Northman are the main reasons I keep watching.

  28. BTW, to all my b*tches on here who’ve read the books and understand the real deal, not just the fanfic, I mean the show….sorry, I keep calling the show fanfic…can’t imagine why…., anyways, you all who understand Eric and Bill from their creator’s perspective, Ms. Harris…kudos. Well worded comments and bravo! Love yas!

    • Just finished Book 8, and I wish everyone had read them. Eric is so much more important to the stories than Bill has become. His moments in the latter vooks add up to cameos while Eric is more central.

  29. Thank you for your recaps, i really enjoy them. You seem quite taken by Eric’s neck, but… have you seen his arms? WOW, I mean WOOWWW! His whole pressence is impressive, enough said.

    • i am actually the “Keeper” of Eric/A’s shoulders but they were covered up by his hot leather jacket so I had to concentrate on his neck this epi and I got to tell ya, I really fell for it hard!!! LOL

      All joking aside we are glad you like the recaps. Simba puts so much work into it! She is amazing and makes the rest of us look good! Oh and again Alexander Skarsgard is an amazing actor and he so proved it last night, to go from Trust Me Eric to Nerdy Eric to Glamour Eric while the while time making me hold my breath is pretty damn impressive!

  30. hi all!! this is the first time i see this blog and was for de eric northman profile on fb, thanks god for that i really love your recap, so fun and yay!!! sawyer! love him!!!
    i’m from chile so take a wile watch de caps, but i donloaded and watchen like 4 am, here hbo is in episode 4 sooo slow!
    anyway loving the skarsgard love!!! and eric duh!
    anyway kisses for all! and this is getting better and better
    see ya!(sorry for the english, as you may knoe mi primary language is spanish, soo takes time write in english for me, sorry!)
    ps: can we do a petition for more eric on the show PLEASE!!

  31. I love Jack. Not in the least for Bill.

  32. I’m so happy when I get these! Thanx to the both of you this recap…I really really loooove how pro-Eric you are….he is everything

  33. I forgot in my previous post that was mostly negative to say that this blog is the greatest thing I’ve ever found related to TB. Simba you are a genius. Everything you say about Bill and Eric is so deep and beatiful. And Hilarious. My only critism is the constant Lost references, they are two completely different shows let it go. And for the people who have never seen Lost like myself these references are bewildering at best.

  34. *picks up jaw off desk* Damn, Eric is so… distracting. Give him a hood and he would be a dead ringer for Legolas [aka. Capt. Obvious] in ROTK… ‘The eye of the enemy is moving’ and all that. Tbh, I’d take FOTS over Sauron though.

    Anyroad. Sgt Brad Colbert wouldn’t break Andy’s arm, he’d just give him one of those ‘looks’ until Andy cowered and muttered apologies for things he hadn’t even done.

    Liking the double reviewing fun, kudos for whoever was writing in the blue type for the ‘Get Some’. [I need to curb my addiction to the many TV shows]. Though HOW awse would it be for Eric to say the ‘pretty fucking ninja’ line. Really? And ‘Daddy’s back’ could be sneakily inserted. If Sawyer can call Charlie ‘hobbit’, anything is possible!

    Don’t ever stop recapping/ reviewing, your wise and hilarious words make my evenings. Hoo-rah! XD

  35. Love your recaps! I’ve been catching up since someone posted your site on the HBO boards. Someone over there suggested Bill’s bad hair, bad makeup, bad camera angles, and St. Bill attitude are deliberate to disrupt the Bill love created in season 1 and make way for Eric, although I’m not sure I agree.

    St. Bill’s a real pill to swallow each week, and I severely miss book Bill. I’ve grown weary of TB Bill’s efforts to be a real boy, and I totally agree with your analysis of his absolving himself of bad deeds by blaming it on Lorena. Really Bill? It took 70 years of murder and mayhem to realize you didn’t really love Lorena? Or that you were trying to convince yourself you loved her? And somehow this is her fault?

    I still like TB’s Eric although I find him too emotional compared to book Eric and not just the tears – the display of temper too. I think of book Eric always playing some eternal chess game, and the only time he gets emotional usually involves Sookie. I also miss his humor and zest for life, but I also miss that in Sookie as well.

    On a personal note, if I never see another vampire either cry or get up during the day on TB, I would be extremely happy.

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