Alan Ball Lays a Goose Egg

You know what happened the last time a TV show had this many egg references? I will now utter blasphemy.

“Eggtown.”

Amongst Lost fans, it’s ‘affectionately’ called ‘Efftown.’ We also have a term similar to ‘goose egg’ in Chinese/Cantonese. It translates loosely to ‘zero chicken egg.’ It is synonymous with fail, dud…

Needless to say, I was less than impressed with this episode. Nothing could live up to the sheer brilliance of Episodes 8 and 9 and while this season was more consistent than the sheer hit and miss of last…this episode just plain came up short. What made it worse is that this was written by Alan Ball, the showrunner. It’s rather frightening actually. Whenever Darlton write an episode of Lost, I jump for joy. You know why? Because they write the best episodes. They write The Brig, The Constant, Confidence Man, Deus Ex Machina, The 23rd Psalm, I Do, Through the Looking Glass, The Beginning of the End, There’s No Place Like Home, Further Instructions…They write brilliant episodes that get nominated for Emmys and deserve it. They prove WHY they are the showrunners. They prove they have the best understanding of the characters and the feel of the show. They prove that those characters are theirs. They create the standard for the rest of the show to follow.

In “Frenzy,” Alan Ball did NONE of that. His writing on True Blood have been lackluster at best. The writers that are head and shoulders above him? Alexander Woo, Brian Buckner and now Nancy Oliver. Even new writers Kate Barnow and Elisabeth R. Finch’s episode was great in its own right. “New World in My View” was funny and memorable. They consistently have delivered episodes that make True Blood great. Alan Ball? He’s done none of that. I talk to Skye, she’s a fan of his screenplays and even she says that to go from such a level of writing to this…is disappointing. Neither of his episodes will deserve any recognition or any Emmys. The episodes for Emmy consideration go to Alexander Woo and Nancy Oliver this season. Remember who got their episode for Emmy consideration last year? Alexander Woo. It sends a message when the person writing the premiere and the finale isn’t the show runner. The person writing the premiere and the finale is Alexander Woo. He’s the bookender.

Alan Ball is the showrunner, but you know what? Shows have survived when the showrunner left. Lost, Alias, Gilmore Girls…and right now, I can’t help but think, after seeing him write, that True Blood would be better off without him. Give the helm to Buckner, Woo and Oliver. They have proven themselves to understand the characters of Bon Temps and to write the BEST of True Blood. Episodes that get you excited, that motivate you to come back week after week. I won’t lie, this episode left me less than thrilled to watch the finale. In fact, I’m dreading it. My only hope is Alexander Woo. Alexander Woo and Brian Buckner are the only writers who have been 4/4 in the episodes they’ve written.

Alan Ball will never win an Emmy if he keeps perpetuating Eric as a villain and Bill as the hero. It’s incredibly frustrating, because you know what? Eric isn’t a villain, he’s a character that is capable of incredible violence, deceit and manipulation, but he is a good person at the core. Yet Alan Ball refuses to show Eric’s full capabilities. It’s back to the villain default. And to make me even MORE pissed off, Eric is nominated for Best Villain for the Scream Awards. Eric is NOT a villain. He’s like Sawyer, Gambit, Tim Riggins and Michael Guerin. He’s fucking Wolverine. He’s not evil. He’s a rival. He’s the antihero. There’s a difference. And yet two weeks after we’re delivered an incredible emotional punch with the death of Godric, we get fucking teacup humans. Like his growth never happened. Like losing Godric, who was his everything, didn’t happen. Sure, teacup humans was funny, it made me LMAO, but it was cheap, a cheap laugh and a cheap thrill. That is just plain sloppy writing. To give us such a significant, beautiful and amazing character arc only not to follow through? I felt like we just got Long Conned. “There’s a new sheriff in town, y’all best get used to it.” Now wait three seasons for LaFleur. We know that Eric is not a monster, so why are you showing us this reversal of his character? It’s extremely retarded and lazy storytelling. Eric is the Sawyer of True Blood. You know what happened when they fucked with Sawyer in Season 4? A ratings PLUNGE. One that Lost hasn’t really recovered from.

Similarly, the white knight, St. Bill, the guilt absolving portrayal of Bill has got to stop. He has real faults. They should be embellished and brought to light, not shined away. How else can he be a dynamic character? How else can he be real? How else can we enjoy him? I don’t know about you, but I’m just plain SICK of Bill. I’m sick of his disrespect to Sookie and Eric, I’m sick of his sanctimoniousness, his high-handedness, his self-righteousness, his arrogance. I’m sick of his whitewashed portrayal. I’m sick of Bill coming out of less than savoury actions smelling like roses. If it’s Alan Ball’s intention to make us hate Bill, he’s done it incredibly well. Like all of us, he’s flawed, so instead of being lazy, show it!

He’s taken Charlaine’s great characters and dumbed them down. Sookie was a small town girl, but she never needed a man to save her 24/7. She was resourceful. She was also incredibly strong. While it seems like Alan Ball is building her up as strong at last…It feels like it’s coming too late. Sure, we want to see a character evolve, but frankly, I don’t need to see a little woman who has no other ambitions than to be someone’s girlfriend. Bill’s depth has been dumbed down. Eric has been dumbed down. They’ve been dumbed down into nothing more than good and evil. I feel so badly for Alexander Skarsgard who has to constantly tell people that Eric is not the bad guy, that he has a sensitive side, because they just yanked that away from him.

True Blood will NEVER be deserving of an Emmy if they keep this up, the dumbing down. The TV audience understands complexity. Yet, instead of showing complexity in their leads, they choose to show one side. It seems like Alan Ball has underestimated the TV audience. You know what shows show the full range of humanity in characters and got success? A lot. Sawyer on Lost. Tim Riggins and everyone in Dillon, Texas on Friday Night Lights. EVERY single character in Battlestar Galactica. All shows showing incredible depth that deserved Emmys. True Blood never will if Alan Ball keeps dumbing down True Blood.

All the issues I had in Season One of True Blood culminated in this episode. Inconsistent writing of characters, dumbed down portrayals…I thought Season Two had worked out the kinks…but sheesh. The weak links in True Blood are Raelle Tucker and Alan Ball. The biggest liability? Alan Ball. The vision he has shown in the episodes he’s written is limiting.

Okay…Rant over! Some other thoughts?

Oh Sophie-Anne…*sigh* I didn’t like her. And it’s not because I’m a Bookie. I started with True Blood. The fact is that like many of the characters on True Blood, they don’t hold a candle to the character that Charlaine Harris created. (Like Bill.) Sure, Sophie-Anne is different, but that’s not the problem, the problem is that when I compare her to Sophie on the page, it’s fucking OBVIOUS which Sophie is better. The best thing about Sophie is that even though she looks 15, she’s lethal underneath. You always knew that. You had to be careful around her. She was cunning and devious. She always had her game face on. She wasn’t some Marie Antoinette socialite. She had wisdom, she was cold and aloof. You always knew that she was extremely old, that she was sophisticated and imperious, that she was a survivor. She was a regal, strong, powerful woman and you knew it with her presence. That’s why her love for Andre, the Berts and Hadley was so touching. That’s why we love Book!Sophie, because she was domineering, in control and the fucking queen of Louisiana.

That being said…I’m willing to give Sophie-Anne another chance, because I think Evan Rachel Wood is waaaay better than what she showed on Sunday. I do think part of her lackluster performance, which always made you feel a shoddy script, was partly due to Stephen Moyer and attempting to play off him. It’s the stiffness and the clicheness of his performance and the overacting. I also think Sophie was relegated to plot device. She was used as a tool for exposition and when you have that, it’s just not organic or natural. It’s lazy. It’s like Daphne’s dum-dum speech. Just bad.

Tara, oh Tara…Ugh. She’s gone from one of my favourite characters to one I just don’t give a fuck about anymore. She used to have power and bite. Now she just takes up screentime. Tara’s like Sawyer, she should be salty. Always salty. Sure, you can show her depth, but damn, show her mouthing off! I feel like we lost Tara this season. That girl that called out that lady at Super-Save-A-Bunch. Tara may have a shitty life, and a horrible history, but dammit, she should always have her sarcasm, her mouth and her wit. This season was like Sawyer without his nicknames! Just no!

Pam? Not enough. There is a serious Pam shortage. I love her attitude, her panache. I love her outfits. I love her lines. That being said, this episode made her schtick feel like it’s getting old. They had an opportunity to add more depth to Pam through Eric’s loss of Godric. Missed opportunity! Andy and Jason were great and funny. I really like Sam. I like his sensibility, that he’s got his head on straight. I loved his interactions with Coby and Lisa. Laffy? Always awesome. Sookie? Nice to see her being resourceful and standing on her own two feet. Would love her to lose even more of her naïveté. She’s bearable without Bill.

Eric was once again awesome. Alexander Skarsgard was GREAT as Lettie Mae. His vanity and GQness was great. It was hilarious to watch and Alexander Skarsgard just brings it. The preening when he saw Bill was just fucking classic. The teacup humans line made me LOL. His interaction with Coby and Lisa was great. I don’t think it’s meant to be taken like he’s actually going to eat them. It was a joke to bug Pam mostly. He loves having fun with people. I like the implications he bought for Bill.

Bill? Needs to fall and quickly. The tolerance is going swiftly to intolerance and he’s looking more and more like the Jacksus. I have just had enough of him. He is more unsympathetic than Jason Street, the fucking QUADRIPLEGIC on Friday Night Lights. (Yes, they made a quadriplegic unsympathetic.) The Jack levels of whinyness, epic douchery and selfishness are just ENOUGH. At this point we are BEGGING for Bill to get his just desserts. Enough is enough!

Speaking of Bill, he’s left Jess alone without guidance and look what happened? Lack of control and now she REALLY hates herself. If she makes it out without being seriously fucked up, I’ll be surprised. She seriously needs the VCPS (Vampire Child Protective Services). Bill is NOT doing a good job. As for Hoyt…even Helo shot Athena and tried to kill her. He needs to apologize.

As for the egg? In Lost, there is the OMGWTF!POLARBEAR! Their WTFs make you want to know more, they make you LONG for another episode, a few more minutes, ANYTHING but that stamp noise and the black LOST card. The egg in the nest? I couldn’t care less about.

If this was an episode to get me excited for the finale…it just didn’t cut it.

So…that was the longest opening ever! On to the recap!

We’re taken back to the last image of the previous episode. Bill’s OMGWTF! expression.

What could be SOOO horrible to look at? Why the queen eating a human.

Bill wonders if this is a bad time…but he looks more like he’s just seen his parents have sex or something. FFS, it’s what every vampire has to do, even you. You know, drink blood? *Sigh* Such a pansy.

‘A bad time? There’s no such thing as bad, or time for that matter.’ Interesting concept, she seems like a nihilist or at least a relativist. That’s the crux of vampires on this show it seems, they’re either nihilistic and thus kill everything in their path or they’re Bill. And maybe Eric and Godric. Eric through what Godric has taught him…and they refuse to show…*Rolls* And as for time, they’re vampires, no duh. As for our first look at Sophie…You could HEAR the script which is never a good thing. The delivery was just not there. And apparently Eric is still the only one who can eat without making a mess.

‘Wanna join me?’ Oh look, ERW is once again attempting to look like Dita Von Teese…that’s just tacky.

Nope, Bill would rather have his fangs pulled. God, he is SUCH a goody goody. This has to be the most underwhelming TB opening ever.

Time for True Blood!

Jessie is snacking on Zombie!Mommy.

Only Hoyt is able to pull her off.

‘Have you lost your mind?’ ‘Did you hear all the nasty things she said to you!’ ‘She’s my mama! She gets to!’ Well…to a certain extent, yes. And no, snacking is not the answer. Although she does have impulse control… ‘The hell are you from?’

Jessica apologizes.

Hoyt checks up on Maxine, but she’s alright…not all there…but alright. It’s like Matt and Grandma Saracen.

OH NO YOU DID’INT! ‘I shoulda listened to Vampire Bill when he warned me about you.’

He sooo shouldn’t have said that. He just has no clue the implications his words have for Jessica. He was like the one chance she had to feel good about herself, to have something good. Also, it’s ironic that he should have listened to Bill’s advice, because this problem is Bill’s fault. Jessica is his responsibility and yet he didn’t take any interest in her and didn’t even do something as basic as checking if she had enough food.

Maxine is flustered and Hoyt blames Jessica. Bad, Hoyt!

Hoyt takes Maxine and leaves.

All Jessica can do is cry in anguish…Hoyt broke her heart. Never fear, Hoyt/Jessica lovers. Joyt? Even Helo tried to kill Athena. He shot her in the shoulder. Sigh…All the girls have shitty boyfriends in this episode.

Meanwhile, Bill is not loving Hadley’s company…

Especially not when she doesn’t give a fuck about his discomfort. She’s the queen’s paramour and all it entails. Deal with it!

‘What gives you the right to say ‘no’ to the femoral blood of a good woman?’ Mmmhmm. She’s a willing donor. That’s just rude. Even Book!Bill took blood from donors. He’s got to eat and if the donor consents why not? It’s not selling out or ‘evil’.

‘You know what your problem is, William? You’re a snob. I hate snobs.’ You too? I kinda like you! She’s dead right on that one.

‘Tiny, tiny souls. Or penises. Or both.’ LOL! Is that a hint? Also LOL with the blood on the boob.

Sophie offers Bill a meal. She has seven new members at court, even a Latvian boy. He’s delish! Because he tastes just like humans after she was turned, before the Industrial Revolution polluted everything. I can still literally HEAR the script. Not good.

Bill refuses. There are pressing matters. He needs to know how to kill a maenad.

You know what always annoys me? The way Stephen Moyer uses his hands while acting. It feels cliche and always makes me aware that he’s acting. It works for Seth Cohen because he’s fidgety…Bill isn’t.

The appearance of the maenad in Bon Temps seems random to Sophie-Anne as Bill tells her that Bon Temps has descended into a degenerate state of orgies and cannibalism. That sounds like a fun times to Sophie as she pulls out her vintage Vogue. I’m not into her Paris Hilton socialite portrayal. Sure, you don’t get to be queen by being stupid and the best way to trick your enemies into security is to make them think you’re stupid…Still, it’s just…it does not live up tot he Sophie-Anne created by Charlaine Harris.

Bill wants to know how to kill the maenad, but Sophie-Anne tells him he can’t. She’s convinced herself she’s immortal…so she is. Okaaay.

Everything that exists has imagined itself into existence.

Bill doesn’t get it. Bill also needs botox. Can vampires use botox?

Now we range into what George Lucas did when he explained the Force. He shouldn’t have! Some things are best left unexplained. I don’t want the supernatural explained! It’s supernatural. It just exists. I can suspend my disbelief for that…but when you try to explain why the supernatural on your show exists and say that they imagined themselves into doing so…well…it just doesn’t work, because my suspension of disbelief is no longer there. Just let me believe that it’s supernatural and leave it at that. Some things are better left unsaid. Not to mention, the queen’s first Daphne Dum-Dum dialogue of the night. You also hear the script. Bad. ‘Think about it. You’re a wild, young girl who’s married to some jerk who treats you like property who is also fucking some fourteen year old boy.’

Bill’s sensitive ears are uncomfortable with your crass language!

‘Then comes this religion, which encourages you to get hammered, run naked through the woods, have sex with whoever, whatever and it’s all part of getting closer to god?’ It does take work to look fabulous! And FFS, her face is already paler than the rest of her…the TB people need to understand the concept of making ALL exposed skin pale…

‘I could see how that would have its appeal, especially towards humans and their tendency for Puritanism.’ If you give him a mirror, think he could spot the most Puritan person on True Blood? He could SO pass for a Quaker. He’s THAT old fashioned.

‘Exactly. So you’re fucking everybody in the dirt, why not kill someone and eat it raw? Hey, you’re super extra pious, there’s nothing you can’t do! And every time you do it, it brings you one step closer to the divine.’ Did not like these lines. They were just such an obvious plot device. You should always SHOW instead of TELL, and here, we were being TOLD.

Bill thinks it’s delusional, but Sophie warns him not to miscalculate the power of blind faith. It can bend or break physics.

I wish Sophie-Anne was as cool as Godric. There’s a character who lived up and went beyond the page. It kinda makes me think of next season. They should get Michael Emerson or Ian McKellan to do Russell Edgington. They’re great and you know they could really bring Russell alive.

We learn that Bill got poisoned because vampires can only drink human blood and Maryann isn’t even remotely human. No kidding. Took Bill long enough to figure out. I mean…FFS, bench pressed 120 pounds with one arm and doesn’t look like a ‘roid freak? C’mon! Ugh. Thank God Lost will finish before they have to give us Joop the Orangutan.

‘But she started out as human.’ Ugh…bad hand gesturing again.

This is all just human evolution! They were humans once too. I don’t think Darwin was thinking supernatural evolution when he wrote the Origin of Species…but that’s just me. Trying to put a scientific basis on something supernatural in origin is just plain folly, because you can no longer suspend your disbelief, when science is supposed to prove something that cannot be defined by it. The X-Men work because it’s based on a simple human mutation, the science works. But when you say a being imagined itself into creation and then slap evolution into it? Not so much. Every comic fan knows this. Alan Ball is making me appreciate Darlton and their fangeekyness all the more. It made them steer away from making mistakes like this. Star Wars. Indiana Jones. It helps. *Hint**Hint*AB.

‘Less than two hours before dawn. Shall we have sex?’ LOL.

… Bill has no sense of humour.

‘Kidding.’ LOL. ‘I haven’t enjoyed sex with men since the Eisenhower administration.’ Oh wow, so over 50 years. I guess Bill isn’t going to end the drought either.

Bill thinks it’s time for him to exit. Maenad in Bon Temps and all. It’s affecting Sookie’s life, so it affects him…

ANVIL NO. 1: ‘Nonsense, Sookie’s not in any trouble. You would know it.’ How would she know so much about Sookie? Hmm…

‘Spend the night and leave tomorrow night. I insist.’ So what’s the queen’s agenda. Why did she want to keep Bill with her? Why did she want to delay him? Does she just enjoy causing trouble? Does she want to test his loyalty? What’s going on? I don’t know…it was just extremely annoying how this little part took up so much time for seemingly no reason other than the queen’s whims! It’s like…okaaay…

Bill does not likey…and who is doing his makeup? It’s not good!

‘By the way, you haven’t told me what you think of my new Day Room.’ LOL. How very Marie Antoinette…She’s letting them eat cake.

Tara is hung up on saving Eggs.

Sookie says that they’ll do it as soon as Beel comes back with information. I wish she’d stop relying on Bill so much. It’s irritating.

‘He might have some information? He might not!’ Tara’s right there… ‘And Eggs needs to get out now!’

Sookie says it’s too dangerous. I just find it amusing that Laffy is fanning himself.

Tara wonders why Sookie gets to risk her life for the man she loves when she doesn’t. Well, she’s got you there. It is hypocritical…

Lettie Mae says it’s better this way…but they’re interrupted by the Zombies! They’re coming! How Moria is that?

‘I finally found a strong, beautiful, good man and y’all wanna keep me from rescuing him because you’re afraid I’ll get hurt. How hurt do you think I’ll be if we wait and something happens to him!’ Okay…I don’t get it. I never sensed any deep love between Eggs and Tara, so this statement just does NOT ring true. I’m not invested in them as a couple, so this is nothing more than a lousy plot device. There is NO WAY Eggs and Tara have gone into the love stage from what I’ve seen on the show. Definitely not the kind of love they’re trying to sell to me. All it makes me want to do is go ‘Kay what!?’ Tara sounds delusional more than anything.

Lafayette is tired of this shit! He says that Tara is not going back to a guy who beat her. Tara stands her ground and says it was all Maryann…and I wonder how she can be so sure. She has only known Eggs through Maryann. How does she know he’s not that way outside her influence? Laffy tells Tara to sit down and shut up. Her hysteria is annoying…

He tells Sookie to get the handcuffs out of his back pocket. You know, the fuzzy purple ones. LOL. Tara is NOT liking this.

Laffy handcuffs her to his coffee table and Tara says she will never forgive him. ‘You’re jealous because I found love, you know you never will, you fucking freak!’ Okay whoa…Someone said that Tara was acting like a junkie and I have to agree. She is one seriously messed up drug addict. She needs to kick the habit and ride out the shakes. Detox! They need to get her through rehab after the intervention… She tells Lettie Me, ‘You don’t want me to be happy because you never were!’ and to Sookie, ‘And you had to settle for a dead man!’

‘Wow. That’s supposed to get me on your side?’ No kidding. Tara is burning bridges.

Sookie and Laffy go outside to guard the house. After all, if it’s supernatural and it wants you, it doesn’t wait for you to come to it. LOL. Eric reference.

‘You gotta be kidding me, this ain’t happening to you!’ LOL. Tara lays one in as Lettie Mae starts crying.

Sam reveals to Jason and Andy that he can change into any animal as long as he’s imprinted them. Jason thinks it’s cool. I actually don’t have a problem with Sam coming out to Andy and Jason. It’s the whole crux of what Daphne was trying to teach him, even though she was a bitch. Her advice was right.

Andy says they still gotta deal with the maenad.

Sam says their best bet is to leave while they still can.

Jason thinks they should get the law involved, but Andy tells them that HE is the law. The Sheriff’s office is a gong show. I don’t’ even know why they try and clean that place up. The only thing that can save it is bleach and a reno.

Jason resolves that they should be the law then! ‘Guys I read a book about this. This, this is Armageddon. This is the Oral History of the Zombie War.’ LOL. Oh Jason, never change. ‘We need weapons. Lots of them.’ Acting like Stan only gets you up shit creek.

‘Listen, I hate to break it to you, but guns are not gonna do jack shit to Maryann.’ See, Sam agrees! ‘And you can’t shoot anybody else. These are our friends. This is our town.’ Duh, Jason.

‘Sometimes you need to destroy something to save it.’ Vladimir Lenin once said that to make an omelette, you’ve got to break some eggs. Jason says that that’s in the bible…or the constitution. At least I know where my quote comes from!

Sam sees and hears something in the woods…

He goes into the woods, approaching them, talking to them. We’re not sure this is a good idea, but having read spoilers. I’m not concerned. lol.

It turns out to be no more than Coby and Lisa, Arlene’s kids…Someone should’ve done casting in Austin, Texas and hired that little boy who played Bo on Friday Night Lights…and least then the accents wouldn’t sound forced…

The poor kids need a place to hide and haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday! What is with all the red headed actresses in this show? Sheesh. The Hambys, the queen, the saleslady, Arlene and now Lisa too.

Sam meets up with Jason and Andy as they’re about to head out to the sheriff’s station to arm themselves…Oh boy.

Sam attempts to warn Jason against it. He’s in over his head! It’s bigger than he is. Well, Michelle Forbes is really tall. So in heels, yeah.

But Jason feels he has to do it. The time for thinking is over. It’s time for action. Andy wonders if maybe Sam’s right, but Jason will have none of it. So not using his noggin! He’s been to a leadership conference and had paramilitary training…Sigh…I’m surprised he even knows the term ‘paramilitary.’ Isn’t paramilitary training illegal?

Sam calls Jason, ‘a damn fool’ and rounds up the kids to get something to eat.

Jason can only glare beside the tree he just walked into head first. lol. ‘By the way, you’re welcome for me saving your life!’ There are many ingrates on this show. I’ll point out two others to you very soon.

‘Can you believe that? What an asshole.’ ‘Welcome to my world, Jason.’ Aww, they’re bonding. Andy would know it too, the whole town’s going crazy, no one believes him. Everyone thinks he’s a drunken crazy person and he gets no gratitude for being right.

Isn’t it awesome that Laffy can handle a shotgun? Oh and he’s NOT sitting down. He’s definitely in PTSD mode.

Sookie gets a text from Bill! A text really? What? He couldn’t leave a phone message or even call her directly? A text? How impersonal. Interesting. He really wants to keep the contact with the queen and Sookie minimal. If he called her, she could have heard something over the phone…the queen might even want to meet Sookie over the phone…Hmm…

‘From five hours ago! Dammit, I’m getting another phone as soon as Eric pays me.’ I guess life isn’t so good…Betcha didn’t know LG stands for Life is Good…I’ll bet someone peed on the cellphone tower and that’s why.

Laffy gets a confirmation that Sookie is working for Eric. Oh and Bill can’t be back until tomorrow. Yep, doesn’t sound like Bill will be much help. I wonder what the message said? Darling, alas I cannot return to your side, my deepest desire, until tomorrow. How unfortunate! Do nawt do that thing I told you not to! xoxo. PS Stay away from that wretch. You know who he is.

‘I guess we better not plan on him saving us.’ Got that right.

Tara begs Lettie Mae to release her because if she doesn’t, she’ll have her one chance at true love destroyed. For Eggs? Seriously? Ugh. Eggs and Tara are simply NOT a couple that was developed in ANY way that made us want to root for them. So this dialogue? It’s pure junkie wanting a fix. Give her some methadone and shut her up! The problem is that I don’t know if Alan Ball intended Tara and Eggs to be such a great romantic relationship. If he did, he fell flat. They’re no better than Bill and Sookie. Instalove. I don’t buy it. There’s no build up. Nothing that made me hold on to their romance. They hooked up too soon. I just don’t sense a connection between them. I’m just NOT invested in Eggs. He needs to get cracked and beaten quickly. I don’t give two shits about Eggs, so when Tara does, I couldn’t care less and it’s just plain irritating that she does.

Lettie Mae tells Tara that she doesn’t want true love. It will rip her open and tear her apart. Foreshadowing! Eggs will die. Kill him already! DIE!

Tara tells Lettie Mae that she will forgive her for EVERYTHING if she gives her the smack, she knows that’s a lot and it’s a one time offer. I feel like Tara’s storyline is like the OSux on Lost. Boring, selfish and I just don’t give a shit.

Lettie Mae doesn’t want to do it. She can’t. Oh look, religious icon behind her. God is telling her not to.

Tara tells her that she’s wrong. It’s Satan telling her that. Manipulating her mom…Jesus. And you thought her demon was exorcised…We need to call Stellan to perform an exorcism! Tara tells her that Satan is disguising himself as God in Lettie Mae’s head and that she’s falling for it. Tara is desperate and she’s willing to do anything to get her fix.

Tara starts crying, telling Lettie Mae that she sees Satan in her eyes and that she’s never been a woman of God. She tells her that she’s never done anything selfless for her or anybody else and that God is giving Lettie Mae a test right now. Tara’s right about that test…It’s unfortunate that Lettie Mae ultimately fails it.

Lettie Mae starts praying.

Tara cries, thinking she has failed. RIP Tara Thorton who mouthed off that lady in the awful purple suit at Super-Save-A-Bunch.

Laffy asks Sookie what it was like inside Tara’s head and Sookie tells him it was like there was no limit, that she could do anything and probably will. Tara manipulating her mother like a junkie…Your insides expand and there’s an emptying out of everything inside your being. And you never want it to stop. Oh, like a drug, like heroine, cocaine, meth…This was big foreshadowing.

‘Damn that sound nice.’ FORESHADOWING.

Sam gives the kids some deep fried goodness, but I guess after two days without food they could use it. They want to know what’s wrong with their mom.

Sam’s not sure. He thinks she’s sick.

The kids don’t think Arlene is sick, they think she’s crazy. Sam tries to reassure the kids when they ask but they’re not so sure.

She’s always kissing Terry and doing other weird things when her eyes get weird…I really hope you haven’t been scarred that way.

They want to know if they can get her a doctor…or someone who can make her like she used to be. Awww. Like a Vampire! A vampire would know what to do! How about Vampire Bill?

Well…isn’t Bill still in Dallas? Oh no, he’s just chilling with the queen.

Don’t you know any other vampires? Why yes he does!

Sookie wonders how Laffy’s leg is and he tells her it’s better than ever.

How’d it happen? ‘Eric made me drink his motherfucking blood is how it happened.’

‘Me too! He tricked me.’

‘Somebody need to slap that bitch.’

‘I have.” ‘Look at you.’ LOL. Sookie and Lafayette? Ingrates. The both of them. Eric basically saved Lafayette’s leg and Sookie’s life, but because he’s Eric, he’s the big bad. WTF is up with that? Just because Eric is capable of violence, doesn’t mean that he isn’t capable of good or undeserving of credit for the good deeds he does. Sure he’s manipulative and had other intentions…but good things did come out of it, and they should remember that. Sookie was ambivalent about Eric in the books, but she gave him credit where credit was due. This is one more place where I dislike Alan Ball’s writing, he’s TELLING us what to feel about Eric instead of SHOWING us. I don’t like being told what I should feel for a character when it just doesn’t make sense. We’ve been showed a different side of Eric, so it doesn’t make sense for characters to be THIS spiteful of him. Sure, Sookie’s still pissed because he tricked her and Laffy is still afraid of him, but he’s not the evil guy! Dammit, he’s not! And Sookie KNOWS it. It’s the same with Bill, the limited vision. He’s not the white knight either. Both Eric and Bill are capable of great dichotomy. They’re NOT characters that can be pigeonholed into one thing or the other, and they just shouldn’t be portrayed in that light. The continuity from the last three episodes is just not present. It’s like the ball has been dropped. They spent several episodes building a contrary view of Eric only to revert it. Well that serves exactly NO storytelling purpose. Secondly, it’s not like Eric detained Laffy for no reason. He was selling V and the vampire he got V from died. Sure, his methods were lacking, but it’s not like there wasn’t a REASON behind it. Also, Royce killed three vampires, regardless of whether or not Eric’s justice was humane…it was served.

‘Have you had…any dreams about him?’ Oh, you mean wild sex fantasies, where he’s the man of your dreams? Literally?

Like this…

‘Now, Sook, how would you know that?’

Sookie dodges. ‘What kind of dreams?’

‘It’s like he’s always in my head…and sex dreams.’ I doubt Lafayette dreams of having real love, companionship and true intimacy with Eric. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t get any deeper than top or bottom, you know. I think the dreamer still has control over what they dream about. It’s still based on their subconscious, Eric’s blood is just the catalyst. I mean, Sookie had sex dreams with Bill too, but her dreams were based on losing her virginity just to get it over with. There was no intimate connection.

Funny how she’s reacting like she can feel him touching her…

Kinda like this…

‘All kinds of nasty and fantastic which freaks me the fuck out because I hates that motherfucker more than you ever know.’ You hate him…but that’s a little dramatic even for you, Laffy. Even laffy knows he’s hot. A beautiful asshole you know?

Lettie Mae runs out crying. She can’t stay inside with Tara when she’s saying things that’ll break her heart. She offers to stand guard while one of them accompanies Tara because she can’t hurt them like she’s hurting her.

Laffy wants to know if Lettie Mae will shoot herself. Lettie Mae tells him to show her some respect. She taught him to shoot after all. Apparently with a BB gun she used to shoot cats with. But only the ones that wandered into her yard and didn’t use the kitty litter. Because that makes it SOOO much better. I guess she’s Bubba?

Lafayette offers Lettie Mae the shotgun, only for her to turn it on him and inform Tara that she has the guns. Duped! Damn. That’s just fucked.

She asks Laffy to unlock the handcuffs, but she refuses. So Lettie Mae fires a shot. Lafayette ducks. He’s scared!

Sookie wonders WTF is wrong with Lettie Mae. Hello he was just shot at! She asks Sookie to uncuff Tara. But she doesn’t want to. Isn’t it interesting? Another Stackhouse sibling protects a Thorton relation from Lettie Mae.

Sookie tells her it’s stupid. Lettie Mae has seen that evil at Maryann’s! But she won’t listen. She’s got a chance to win Tara back and she’s taking it. And that’s all kind’s of fucked up because it’s not the right way. She does this, and Tara might very well die. She’s also been manipulated by a junkie and turned into a codependent.

The Lord works in mysterious ways? Yeah…not that mysterious…Sookie gets the keys from Laffy’s back pocket.

Sookie notices a mana.

‘I pity you. I don’t hate you like your mama does. You can’t help who you are.’

‘But I can’t let you keep me and Tara apart.’ Did Lettie Mae say something? Yeah…Alexander Skarsgard is a great actor. He looks good in daylight…and drag.

But then we already knew that.

Laffy’s like he’s hot, but he’s scaring the shit out of me! He’s PTSD’ing again.

‘That’s why I’m gonna have to kill you. *cocks gun*’

Lafayette cowers. He’s too fabulous to die!

‘I thought you wanted to be a vampire.’ Laffy didn’t! He’s a survivor!

‘You know how you feel with my blood inside you?’ Yes, that is meant to be a double entendre…’Now being a vampire is like that. Times a million.’ That shirt REALLY brings out his eyes. Great choice.

‘Goodbye, Sweetheart.’ That was hot.

Laffy is too traumatized though.

Sookie wants to know what Lettie Mae did to Laffy, but she tells her she did nothing. Oh and Tara had better not forget that Lettie Mae did this for her!

Tara realizes that she needs Sookie’s keys. Are you fucking kidding me?

‘You are being a fucking idiot.’ No shit. She gives Tara the keys. So when Tara is being an idiot, fuck is okay. But you won’t use it around Eric…Interesting…

Tara gets in Sookie’s trap. Dude, take the Benz…Sigh…God, what makes her think she can just waltz in there and not get into trouble? Seriously. She’s an idiot.

Pulling up at the sheriff’s department, Jason wonders if Sam ever turned into a dog and did it with a dog. Andy can’t believe Jason’s even wondering and says that’s bestiality. Jason says that’s just nature…Interesting…but weird…

These two are perplexed as they watch some streaking with the TP at the sheriff’s department. Jason says that they’ve got to fix things. I wonder if Jack has a trademark on that…

Jason ain’t letting weird shit take over Bon Temps!

‘You dialled 911 and got me? Honey, you are fucked.’ No kidding. Maryann should use her powers for another purpose. You know, like taking over whole countries. There wouldn’t be quite so much mess…

She comes onto Andy…Apparently they almost had sex once.

Of course, she moves on to Jason once she sees him. It’s all about moving up. C’mon. ‘How would you like to get fucked every which way but north?’ Oh her name is Rosie, if you’re wondering.

Andy doesn’t like this, but Jason tells him he’s got this…while Andy goes gets the weapons… ‘Stackhouse, this is a serious operation! It ain’t about you getting your pole wet!’

‘Dude, do not cockblock me!’ LOL, Jason. He really hasn’t changed.

He’s gonna…distract her…while Andy gets the guns.

Andy hits the gun locker with no problem. I guess the sergeant at arms got Grudge’d. Well, that is until a shot is fired.

‘Hey Andy, come dance with me! C’mon!’ LOL.

They start dosidoing, but Andy hates to dance.

Remember? Epileptic on meth?

Luckily, Andy learned some Jackie Chan Gun Removal Cop tricks. He tells Bud to cut it out!

BTW, Bud needs to take a dump. He runs off.

Andy just don’t know anymore…Oh look, Kevlar.

The situation at Laffy’s gets heated. FYI, Lettie Mae, Laffy is shaking because he is traumatized! FFS.

Sookie has a plan. It will require Laffy running quickly and taking the gun. Can Laffy do it? Yes he can.

Sookie tricks Lettie Mae into lowering her gun. Laffy is freaking out!

She tosses the mana at Lettie Mae’s head. See! Ritualistic polytheist icons are useful!

The pair vamoose!

Because Laffy is pimpin’, they take the Benz…aka the Pimpmobile. They back up, which is weird because didn’t Tara just drive straight?

While staking out Fangtasia, Lisa wants to know if Sam knew her dad. Sam tells her he didn’t. He split before he moved into town. He heard that her dad was a wildcard with a big personality. See Bill, this is how you look after a child! You take them with you to make sure they’re safe, you look out for their needs, like food.

Poor Lisa doesn’t even know what her dad looks like. Arlene cut out all his pictures from the photos. ‘All I know is his name’s Dwayne and he tattooed mama’s name on his stomach.’ LOL. SOOO redneck.

‘Well he musta loved her a lot. ‘Cause you know that hurt.’ LOL. That was just so adorable. I really loved Sam in this episode. I really like Sam in general.

Sam hears a car alarm and sees Ginger coming to open the bar…

He approaches her and says ‘Excuse me.’ Ginger starts screaming again. LOL.

Sam explains that he’s here to see Eric, and Ginger informs him that he won’t be there until after dark. LOL. Obviously.

But Sam has two kids and he wants to know if he can wait inside. Ginger says ‘no.’ No one can come in without Eric’s permission.

But for a 100 dollars? OMG! LOL! The sign says ‘Sorry we’re dead!’ LOL.

You got yourself a deal!

Sookie makes a suggestion that she hold the gun while Laffy drives, but Laffy will have none of it. It’s not personal, but the only one holding the gun is him.

Sookie wants to know if Laffy’s okay. He isn’t. She needs him to suck it up. All they need to do is get Tara and get out.

Oh and she’ll need you to shoot Maryann in the head with no hesitation. It would prolly be better to give Sookie the gun, since she’s not shaky though…but anyway…she certainly is bloodthirsty like Eric or at least Dream!Eric knows…Laffy doesn’t look too sure about this…

Tara finds Eggs and reunites with him. She loves him. Sure, Rutina delivered it flawlessly, but I can’t help but roll my eyes. We were shown nothing to really lead us to believe us that it’s that kind of love by any means.

Maryann interrupts them when Tara talks of leaving.

Eggs is happy to see her. Frankenann’s Monster! Tara isn’t!

Tara informs Maryann that she wants out! Only it’s too late for that. Tara is none too pleased she was made to eat Coeur de Daphne.

‘And you loved it. Admit it.’ LOL Maryann.

Tara wants Maryann to let them go because they have nothing to do with it. She wants Sam not them. Great friend, isn’t she?

Maryann informs Tara that the night she went to Miss Jeanette, she summoned Maryann to her and saw herself through Maryann…

See, she even had the Grudge Eyes and everything.

Tara still thinks Miss Jeanette was a scam…but Maryann tells her that ritual is a powerful thing. Clearly, Tara doesn’t know that it’s through ritual that you make something sacred. Calling forth that kind of energy has consequences. You know, like vibrators and orgies.

And Miss Jeanette wasn’t real…She wasn’t the real vessel…but you’ve got to try every option. The good old trial and error. I guess she wasn’t an heir of Mary Magdalene and Jesus Christ with the sang real and all that jazz. Hey, I just watched The Da Vinci Code lol. It made me giggle when she said vessel.

Tara still wants to be let go and Maryann is NOT happy. She goes vibrator on them.

But it doesn’t work on Tara anymore, or so she says.

Maryann is unworried.

She pops Tara one.

Yes, Tara is an idiot. She got Grudge’d again.

Now everyone is happy again! Hansel and Gretel go upstairs to do things that are not remotely PG.

Meanwhile, the Zombies bring news. The God Who Comes came! He smote old Sam Merlotte for good!

The maenad is confused.

The Zombies inform Maryann that the god had horns, smote Sam and then Sam disappeared, leaving only his clothes LOL.

Maryann is NOT amused. ‘You fucking morons!’ We learn that somewhere along the way, she stole the vocal chords of dolphins too.

Apparently this hurts.

She kicks out the morons. Yes, you have to do everything yourself, Maryann. You already ate their brains, what did you expect?

In the sheriff’s station, Jason has restrained Rosie. He wants to know what weapons they have, but Rosie won’t tell…Unless he lets her blow him. The only problem is that Jason never takes advantage of someone when they’re fucked up.

Rosie doesn’t buy it. Jason is a liar! She knows of a girl who passed out while having sex with him! LOL.

She was fine when they started! LOL.

Rosie isn’t letting up…but Jason wouldn’t feel right about it. Now does he feel right with a loaded pistol at his head?

‘Shoot him! I wanna see what happens to his head!’ LOL.

Remember that other cop Andy mentioned? Oh look! It’s Kevin to Kenya and Kevin! He wants to play Russian Roulette with Jason’s head. Uh oh.

Andy tells Kevin to drop it with a shot gun, but Kevin fires at him anyway. Funny sign there, behind Andy’s head lol. Oops…Better Andy than Jason?

Just like before, hurting or insulting someone Jason cares about inspires him to take away weapons and turn the tables! Look out, Kevin!

‘Jason, it’s okay. Kevlar.’ LOL. Andy’s got brains.

Jason thinks it’s cool. He wants one too. Unfortunately, Andy only has one vest. Poor Jason. No Kevlar for you.

Over at Hoyt’s, we get a shot of his childhood…it’s kinda really sad. He’s drowning his sorrows in WWE. You idiot! Go apologize to Jessica!

Hoyt is protecting his mom as he makes a very strange casserole. It’s got chips and Snickers bars…She’s preparing to go to a party…Maryann’s. Apparently she will remember this day for the rest of her life…Marriage or childbirth? Hmmm… Of course, it’s all downhill from here!

‘What the hell are you talking about?’ ”Cause there ain’t one woman alive who’d go through with it, if she knew the truth!’

Hoyt isn’t going to let Maxine go to the party, he promised her he’d take care of her when his dad died. Maxine just wants him to let it go! He was ten. Why does this remind me of Jack again? lol. Hoyt won’t let anything bad happen to her, but Maxine thinks that Hoyt hasn’t let enough bad happen to her. Apparently both of them are smothered in this relationship.

She’s upset at Hoyt because she wanted to get drunk at Merlotte’s a take a man into her bed. The only problem is that she resents Hoyt for having to take care of him instead of being allowed to go out and party.

Hoyt knows that she isn’t herself right now…but Maxine says he’s every bit the pansy his dad was. Hoyt asserts that his dad was a hero.

Maxine tells Hoyt that his dad was a secret drinker and maybe even a closet homosexual. He liked dancing too much. How very “My Last Duchess” of her.

Hoyt doesn’t want to hear Maxine defame his father’s memory because he died protecting them from a burgler…

Hoyt learns a very horrible secret. His father put a bullet to his head because he couldn’t handle things and that Maxine lied for the life insurance money.

Poor Hoyt…his relationship with Maxine will never be the same after Maryann. Also, this was an interesting reversal from when Hoyt stood up to her in Episode 9. I’m guessing he regrets leaving Jessica for this…

Sookie can’t stand that there are people at her house, who are the very antithesis for what Gran stood for, defiling the place she lived and died in. She was almost raped in Dallas, but this is worse. Laffy tells her not to take it personally because they’re not themselves, but Sookie’s blaming herself because she knew there was something wrong with Maryann the first day she met her.

‘Why is there so much wrong in the world, Lafayette? How come so many people are willing to do bad things and hurt other people?’ UGH. Is it really so necessary to make her this naive? FFS. This just makes me roll my eyes. She’s not 15, she’s 25! I don’t care that she’s from a small town. Shit happens in small towns too. And Bon Temps was anything but a quaint town with no problems. And she’s a TELEPATH. She reads shit off people on a daily basis. Sheesh. Lafayette tells her that it’s because people are weak.

Sookie asserts that she is NOT weak or afraid. She is going to kick Maryann’s ass out of her house and then Laffy is gonna shoot her! Ruthless…Score another point for Dream!Eric. Laffy will shoot her in the head!

After that ridiculous monologue, Terry and Arlene from the trees tell them that they are trespassing! They’re gonna have to pay a fine, or go to the brig! The brig! Sweet! Can they airlock shitty aspects of this show too? I’m getting my Laura Roslin on.

This fine is a hundred million dollars and your pants!

But would you take drugs instead?

Arlene doesn’t take drugs! But Terry knows them and he’s into it. He convinces Arlene to go for it because it will make sex real nice…If I remember correctly, oxy, any form of it is like heroin, and when you’re in that blissed out state, you don’t want sex. Just more drugs. And with cocaine, you can’t get it up…Am I thinking too hard on this? My suspension of disbelief is not working…I’ve seen too many Rock Docs and read too many Rock biographies…although it’s just a line Terry is using to get with Arlene…

Sookie doesn’t want to wait…she’s going to go in through the back porch. Laffy’s going to be right behind her as soon as he’s done with those bug eyed freaks. Can anyone say STOOPID? Who has the gun? Laffy. Duuud. I also agree with the people who mentioned that she should’ve called Bill and left a message, or even called Eric herself. This episode has so many fucking plot contrivances it’s not even funny. How she and Laffy get separated is a big fat plot contrivance. Plot contrivances are bad because they ALWAYS make characters look stupid and ALWAYS indicate that the plot is driving the characters, rather than the other way around. It’s bad.

‘Why should I help you…Shifter?’ Hey, Eric and other vampires and supes all have prejudices against other races of supes. That makes sense. I can only imagine that the only reason he is so recalcitrant and detached and haggard looking is because he’s moping about Godric. At least, I hope that’s why. This episode has absolutely NO followup on Godric’s death. Such a BIG arc deserves followup and to get none of it is utterly ridiculous. There was enough time for like a 30 second scene where Pam and Eric acknowledge the significance of Godric’s passing before they go out and take Sam’s audience. Without it, we are left with a contrived version of Eric, a version that feels incredibly hollow, given what we’ve been shown previously. FFS, there’s a hole in his soul that will kill him forever. It’s the place where the garden never grows! Show it!

Sam tries to appeal to his common human decency. They need help and hopefully someday he can return the favour. Interesting, Sam knows that vamps are all about deals. I really think one reason Eric is so cold is because of Godric’s passing and how he has to live on while Godric is gone. There’s nothing in life that really interests him any more and he’s not going to pretend.

‘Can you give me Sookie Stackhouse?’ LOL. Eric likes her likes her! Well, he’s intrigued and wants to get in her pants…What’s gotten the hooks into him was her coming to Godric and him when Godric went to meet the sun. Maybe Eric sees something different in Sookie, just like she does now.

Pam has had enough of this shit! LOL. I guess Eric’s started the pining…

Sam’s like ‘No. What is up with this guy?’ lol.

‘That’s a shame. That’s a tribute I would not soon forget.’ LOL.

Sam isn’t here to give E tribute. LOL. Eric’s ego is hilarious.

‘No, you’re here to request my help, based on a hypothetical future where you return the favour.’ It’s always about what’s in it for them with vampires.

‘But you are known to not be friendly to those like me.’ This is when Eric’s really striking his bargain. This reminds me of the scene with Jason in Dallas.‘Why should I trust you?’

Because if we don’t live together, we’ll die alone! I heard that line as soon as Sam started talking and making his case lol. ‘Because until somebody starts trusting someone, we’re all single targets. Just ripe for the picking.’ That’s a good point.

‘I have no knowledge of this maenad creature. Although I suspect it’s that bull headed creature that passed through here recently. Right, Pam?’ Bull headed…literally and figuratively. She’s certainly arrogant enough. Eric has calm cool control.

‘That thing owes me a pair of shoes.’ LOL. Her outfit is pretty fabulous.

So can you help Sam or not? You know what I think? Eric was always going to do something about the maenad. She’s in his area and fucking shit up. He just wants something out of it, out of Sam. Now he’s cleaning up the mess he always was going to and he’s got a favour from Sam.

‘I do know someone that might be able to offer something useful. Might be able to…’ Was it really necessary to echo Bill’s line? Ugh. Secondly, in the books, Eric knew how to get rid of a maenad, because he dealt with one in 1876, The Halloween Massacre. Wouldn’t it have been cooler as a plot device to have Eric with this knowledge? Oh wait, Bill has to be the hero, the white knight. Of course, he would go to the queen and be the only one with the knowledge. *Roll*

‘Can we see your fangs?’

Eric displays them for real, unlike Bill. Eric doesn’t pretend to be what he isn’t. He shows his real fangs. He’s a vampire. He’s not ashamed of it. What you see is what you get. Bill seeks to humanize and emasculate what he is, but it’s not possible. He’s a vampire. Deal with it.

Coby thinks it’s cool, but Lisa is a little scared.

‘Don’t you like vampires, little girl?’ LOL. He’s gotta expand his fanclub!

Sam wants Eric to cut the bullshit, but Eric’s like ‘Whatever.’ ‘Our almost stepdaddy hated vampires, but we don’t.’ ‘He went on a vacation with Jesus.’ LOL! How’s that for a euphemism?

‘You make me SO happy I never had any of you.’ LOL.

‘Oh c’mon, Pam. They’re funny. They’re like humans but miniature.’ LOL.

‘Teacup humans.’ LMAO. That line had me ROFLing. The delivery was perfect. They’re like teacup poodles. Mini McPeople! Pam is not impressed.

Pam thinks they’re stupid. Remember what’s delicious? Babies and virgins. I don’t think Eric would have really eaten them. He’s just joking around with Pam, because she wants nothing to do with them, so Eric is annoying her.

Eric will see who he needs to see, but he needs to leave right away. He’ll walk the humans out.

Pam makes some quips. I wonder if Pam still sounds like a Russian prostitute…

Oh Pam, you make daddy laugh.

Eric will let Sam know if he learns anything useful…

‘Goodnight, Tiny Humans.’ Awwwwww! I think for all his posturing with Pam, he was pretty good with the kids. He’s made two new fans who think he’s nothing but cool. He just likes to have fun.

He even winks at them before he blasts off at the speed of light…I really hated that effect. It just sucked. The SFX sucks on this show. They reaaaaallly need to hire different people. Hell, Mary Poppins flew better.

He leaves the kids in awe! ‘Whoa! He can fly!’ Duude, they don’t even have shoes?

Jane notices Sookie as she slips into the house.

She’s got a gift for Bacchus. She’s gonna miss that when she’s normal again lol.

Yes, that is seriously fucked up.

Sookie wanders deeper into her house. It’s like the little shop of horrors.

Someone’s taking a bath in her sink.

Before she can move on, she’s grabbed. Uh oh.

‘Remember when your gran was laying here? All bloody and dead?’ Classy.

Sookie says that she does and Mike wants Sookie to lay down with him. Creepy.

She tries pulling away, but everyone starts screaming. Jane is home alone. She shouldn’t be. Lookit what she did to her finger…

Sookie was met with an Amazing Race Detour. She was given two choices, each one has its pros and cons: Run through the house with the screaming zombies alerting everyone where she was or lying with the enemy to keep her position secret. She chose to lie with the enemy. This roadblock sucks.

Sookie smells nice, Mike smells like shit. Mike says that it makes them feel more alive when lying with death…interesting…He says Sookie must know it from being with a vampire. ‘How come you let him put his dead pecker inside you? It ain’t natural and it ain’t right.’ ‘I don’t think you’re in any position to talk about what’s natural and right.’ No kidding.

What’s Bill doing while Sookie is in trouble? Sunbathing.

The queen offers Bill food again, but he turns her down. Again. Bad guest. She only wants him to play his best game of Yahtzee.

He reveals he only feeds from Sookie. Not smart. I don’t think the queen likes this… ‘Why on earth would you do that?’

Once again, Bill dodges. Whoa…those curtains do NOT match those drapes… If she knows nothing about maenads, he wants to leave.

Sophie is NOT impressed, she calls forth Ludis, asking if he’ll allow Bill to feed from him. Ludis consents. She asked and he consented!

Bill tries to get out of it, but the queen insists that he at least try it.

‘I will have a sex with you.’ LOL. Only you, Ludis. You’re one in a million…

Bill goes for the blood, but not the sex.

‘I love watching two men together.’ That’s what? The fourth homoerotic reference towards Bill this season?

Laffy is wandering around the woods. He finally dealt with Arlene and Terry. I guess they’re either fucking or conked out in the grass…Unfortunately, Laffy comes across Maryann. Uh oh. Splitting up was SUCH a bad idea. Of course, it was a plot contrivance.

Maryann waxes poetic about a poisonous plant that she loves because it adds a hint of madness to every dish! It’s delish! Now if we had time for that, why the hell did they not give us something with Eric and Pam on the death of Godric? Honestly, TB has the WORST time management ever. They focus the shit out of a gazillion things no one gives a fuck over. Namely the Maryann, Tara and Eggs arc. To a lesser extent the Sam and Daphne arc. They focused waaay too much on that instead of developing Sookie into a character we’d like, giving us Eric time. The Maryann arc is waaaaayyy too drawn out. They should’ve done what Lost does in episodes like The Constant, The Other 48 Days or The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham. FFS, even Jack isn’t in every episode of Lost, thank God! Focus on the characters that matter to THAT plot and leave the ones out that don’t. It leads for a much more focused story and one that matters more. If they had done that instead of having Maryann everywhere, we wouldn’t be so sick of her.

Maryann starts approaching Laffy, she knows that he’s no stranger to total abandon…Uh oh.

Maryann does not heed Laffy’s warnings, so he shoots her.

The bullet bounces off her and hits Karl instead. That was very Terminator…

No worries, Karl never really advanced much in his lifetime. It’s okay. Karl got John Dillinger’d. I almost wish he’d say something sad like ‘Bye, bye, blackbird.’

‘You cook, don’t you?’ Looks like Maryann’s found her new fabulous gay cook!

Everyone is having fun playing Yahtzee except Bill. Bill tries to get leave, but the queen ignores him. I wish they would do that on TB.

Bill walks from the table, this is when Sophie-Anne finally spills the beans on the maenad. Honestly, couldn’t you think of a better stalling mechanism than fucking Yahtzee? Joop the Orangutan says: ‘Maenads are silly things. The world changed centuries ago and they’re still waiting for the god who comes.’

This god also never comes. Gods only exist in humans’ minds. Like money and morality. So basically Bill is clinging to a pipe dream. Hell, most, if not all of us do. Even science is a leap of faith. How well do you trust your senses? And you can only ever prove what isn’t…

The only way to get a maenad is to leave is to get her to believe that she’s summoned Dionysus, in hopes that he will ravish and devour her until she’s lost to oblivion. That’s poetic…Why couldn’t they just have Bill actually DO this, instead of having the queen tell him what to do? It’s always annoying to have characters explain things to that degree. It’s nothing more than plot contrivance. It’s telling instead of showing. Locke looked into the heart of the Island, the Smoke Monster. All we know is that it was beautiful. That’s SOOO much more meaningful because it keeps the mystery of the Island, it enthralls us because we can use our imagination and because it keeps the supernatural, supernatural. I don’t want the supernatural defined or explained. It’s better left unsaid.

Ironically, maenads seek death, the one thing they have evolved beyond. Sophie doesn’t think they’re very smart. I don’t know…I wasn’t really into her talking ill of Maryann…I mean, she wreaked enough havoc as it is…

How does one summon a non-existent god? Oh Billy, she never said it was non-existent, just that he never comes. The maenad believes if she finds the perfect vessel, sacrifices it and devours part of him or her, while surrounded by the magic of her zombies, her mad god will appear. When the maenad surrenders herself to her god, it is the only time a she can be killed.

The maenads prefer supernatural creatures as vessels, humans, but mostly weres/Weres and shifters, but not vampires, because they’re dead. Any other being is groovy. Maenads have been trying for centuries to get the right recipe for their ultimate absolution…Sophie thinks they’re idiots because it hasn’t happened. Sophie-Anne’s dialogue is waaaaaayyy too explainy. You know, when Ms. Hawking explained that pendulum stuff, I was never THIS annoyed. I swear, watching this show makes me appreciate Darlton even more, which is a funny funny thing, because I hated them for Season 4 and the OSux.

Sigebert/Wybert comes and the queen has to excuse herself. She asks Hadley to keep Bill entertained.

Hadley asks Bill about Sookie. ANVIL NO. 2! Bill tells her she’s doing good. Isn’t that suspicious? Why is Bill so buddy-buddy with Hadley? Why does Hadley know about Bill and Sookie when it’s apparent that Sookie doesn’t know where Hadley is…? Hmm…

She asks Bill about Gran…OOOH…Apparently Hadley owes her a lot of money, that’s why she hasn’t contacted her. I guess it was for rehab…Oops. Interesting…this familiarity is mighty suspicious…Also, in the books Hadley was the dark to Sookie’s light…She was a wild hair. I get that they wanted to show Hadley as a link to Sookie by dressing her as a country bumpkin…but that was just too obvious.

Bill thinks it is best they are not in touch. Why? To protect himself from Sookie finding out something unsavoury about him. He doesn’t even tell her about Gran’s death. High handed much? Hadley says that she knows there is no place in that world for her any more, but she still thinks about Gran and Sookie. I hope you feel the guilt, Bill.

Sophie-Anne announces that Eric has arrived!

Bill says it’s definitely time for him to leave. *Roll* Soooo immature. Hadley thinks so too. She’s suppressing laughter.

‘This alpha male posturing…You two should really just fuck each other and get it over with. I could watch.’ WIN! Also, homoerotic reference number five on Bill…lol.

Bill kisses her hand, but Sophie-Anne is SOOO over it. ‘Enjoy your restricted diet.’ You go.

‘I do look forward to meeting her.’ OOOOOOHHHH!!! ANVIL NO. 3! YOU SOOO know it’s not just because she’s the girlfriend…

Well, that has soured Bill’s mood…He needs to tint his brows…

And the queen has scored a Yahtzee! WOOO! Remember on Lost where the board games actually had something to do with something? Like Risk. Strategy. Symbolic of the transcontinental battle for the Island. Backgammon. Black and white. Strategy.

Did the day room shrink or is that just me? That is a VERY great suit. Also, never allow Alexander Skarsgard to stand in front of you. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘Hoping the queen knows how to kick a maenad’s ass.’ That was SO Brad Colbert! I love the windblown hair. Eric is like a kid who’s on an adventure, like a kid who sees snow and gets all excited.

‘Now why would you do that? So you look like a hero to Sookie?’ First off, Bill’s disrespect to his sheriff is just plain annoying. Secondly, his condescension reveals his insecurity. If we were supposed to not laugh at it, the writers are in trouble…Bill is SO narm. It’s very appropriate. Bill has become a big joke, predictable, boring. Thank you, Zoriah.

A Narm is a moment that is supposed to be serious, but due to either over-sappiness, poor execution, excessive Melodrama, or the sheer absurdity of the situation, the drama is lost. The moment is often found funny by fans. It can be extremely subjective. It is named for the famous scene in the last season of Six Feet Under, where the main character Nate suffers a brain embolism. He suddenly grabs his right arm and repeats “Numb arm!”, but it quickly becomes “N’arm! N’arm!” Despite being the climax of one of the best shows HBO has ever created, the scene was overwhelmingly found by fans and reviewers to be funny rather than sad.

Thirdly, Eric’s not the one who needs to look like a hero to Sookie. He is. The second he doesn’t, he’s fucked, because he becomes a liar, a cheat. That’s what the relationship is based on, Bill’s need for an ego prop that reflects the vision of himself he wants to see. The second Sookie doesn’t see him as a hero, the second he betrays the vision of himself he cultivated for her, it’s over and done. The illusion is gone and that’s the glue that’s holding Bill and Sookie together. The illusion that Bill is a good guy and humane and the illusion that Sookie is so good and tenderhearted. These are visions of each other which are impossible for either to live up to. Eric doesn’t give two shits about whether or not Sookie views him as a hero. He can seduce her and sleep with her either way. He’s infatuated and wants to get into her pants. There’s nothing beyond that yet.

‘Oh, Billy…This paranoia, it’s really quite unbecoming.’ No kidding. It’s also hilarious how he’s preening. Eric’s ego is hilarious. Poorly played, Bill.

‘Has she, uh…mentioned me?’ LOL Eric.

‘No.’ Remember not 24 hours ago when she asked you to call Eric? No? Remember when she freaked out for your benefit for sucking his chest? No? Remember that conversation you had about Godric that was really about Eric? No? ‘That was really quite desperate of you. Tricking her into drinking your blood so she became attracted to you?’ Because that is SOOO not cool and you are a loser, Eric. Wow, Eric is tall.

‘Unlike you who fed her your blood the very night you met.’ Oh, never mind! Oops! Take that, Bill. I’m so glad Eric got him on that. ANVIL NO.4! Looks like Bill has an alternative motive…Hmm…

‘How do you know that?’ Indeed. How did Eric know that? Did he guess? Or did he know because of dealings with the Rattrays? He’s dealing V…It’s a mystery. Bill has to look waaaay up lol.

‘So you’re not denying it.’ OOOH! He SOOO walked into Eric’s trap. Poorly played, Bill.

‘I was saving her life.’ Convenient excuse…The Rattrays are just plain suspicious. I mean, why would any vampire fall in with someone like the Rattrays…Unless Bill really IS that stupid. It does seem like a contrived situation. One that ultimately got him what he wanted. It looks an awful lot like he manipulated the situation with the Rats so that he could get in with Sookie and when they attacked her, it was even better, because he filled her up with his blood, which gave her sexual dreams, which was ultimately the catalyst for their relationship.

‘Isn’t that convenient.’ Eric agrees!

‘You stay away from Sookie, Eric.’ NARM! ‘Or I will tell the queen you are forcing humans to sell vampire blood for you!’ Told you he would tattle/narc. Predictable.

‘You wouldn’t.’ First off, where does Bill get off threatening his sheriff? It’s just plain idiotic. Hierarchy. It’s important. In the books, Bill advanced in the hierarchy and USED the system to cockblock Eric from Sookie. That made SENSE. Secondly, WTF is Alan Ball doing always writing Bill getting one over Eric? It just doesn’t logically happen. The guy is the FUCKING sheriff, he has fucking POWER. He can kick Bill to kingdom come. He stays in Area 5 on Eric’s whims and good graces, hence why Bill advanced in the hierarchy in the books. It’s this further privileging of Bill which is just plain stupid. FFS, he is in NO position to make threats that will stick. It defies LOGIC and my suspension of disbelief has FAILED. I don’t understand why E doesn’t put Bill in his place. I just don’t get it. It’s the limiting portrayal again. Eric is nothing but a thorn in the BS relationship…Riight.

‘I won’t. As long as you never come close to Sookie ever again.’ So Sookie can come to Eric? There’s no problem with that. Then you’re really fucked, Bill. That’s when you really lose. Foreshadowing? Bill clearly doesn’t know what Eric’s style is. He will only accept a win where the object of his affection comes to HIM of their own free will. Poorly played, Bill. I am also sick of Bill’s possessive, covetous nature of Sookie. Every time he talks about Sookie to others, it’s a big pissing contest and everything he says is a variation of ‘Suuucky is MAHN!’ Predictable.

‘I don’t like threats, Bill.’ Don’t worry, it’s not like Bill has anything to back it up with. Oh wait, that will be called an Alan Ball Plot Contrivance! Maybe if you say Eric is bad and Bill is good enough times it will make it so!

‘Neither do I.’ And then Billdo skulks off to be a hero. Prepare for the TB variation of Jack’s Olympic Torch Run of Season 5 while everyone nods and absolves his ego! Prepare for the sacrifice of a harmless tree. Prepare for allowing his friends to walk into a trap without them knowing! Prepare for the highhanded taking of dynamite, because a girl can’t handle it. Prepare for an rampant overrun of the Jackass.

Jason parks him and Andy far from the house so that they can get the jump on the enemy. He passes out granola bars for carbs. LOL. This is like the Idiot’s version of Ben and Hurley.

‘You think Sam could turn into a chicken and lay his own egg?’ Well no, I would assume he doesn’t change sex when he shifts. He would become a rooster, or a cock.‘Wouldn’t that be weird, eating something that just came out of you.’ You ate your snot when you were two. Everybody does and if they didn’t, they’re lying! And I’m willing to bet he ate his own fecal matter while drunk or in a Jackass style dare.

Andy shoots him down as being perverted.

Jason wants to know why Andy never liked him, wondering if it’s about the amount of pussy he gets, because there is more than enough to go around. Andy denies it…but duuud, you KNOW it’s all about the pussy.

Andy thinks Jason’s had things too easy. Jason complains. What did he ever have that was easy?

He may have been the All-State QB, but that wasn’t easy, he’s not even 30 and he’s having knee issues.

As for the pussy, he has to work out like crazy and watch a lot of porn to you know, learn stuff. Riiight. LOL. BTW, his BF killed his girlfriend and his grandmother, he comes from no money and his parents died when he was eleven.

But the grass is always greener on the other side. Andy’s dad died in Vietnam and his mom ran off with a racecar driver. LOL. Everyone knows everyone’s business in a small town…

Jason concedes that Andy may be better than him, but they are the ones that have received the calling to save Bon Temps! So God wants them to bury the hatchet. It’s up to them. And they can’t fuck it up, ‘Because this town may be full of rednecks and dumbasses, but they’re still Americans, Andy.’ LOL.

‘And that used to mean something.’ Being Canadian, that kinda escapes me…but I guess I get the concept lol.

‘It still does.’ And the two amigos go to take down some zombies!

You have never seen action heroes like these two. Remember when you had to look like Ahnold to wear bullets like that? LOL.

Sam is standing guard over the kids. Note to Bill, this is what you do when there is shit going down. You protect your children…Jessica is in the situation she is in because she received no guidance from Bill. Who wants to bet that she goes after school special next season because of him and his neglect?

All of a sudden Bill breezes in. If he could breathe, he’d be doing that creepy heavy breathing thing as he lurks in the darkness. Looks like Sam’s days are numbered. I wonder how Sookie is gonna feel when you sacrifice one of her BFFs. Remember the Lost S2 finale and how Jack walked everyone into a trap without telling them? Jackpot!

Wait a minute…that whole extravaganza lead them to be captured by The Others…which lead the Others to put Kate and Sawyer in the bear cages…which lead to…

Apparently Mike never wanted to be a coroner or an undertaker because he hates blood. Sookie SOOO did not ch-ch-choose this…Sookie decides that they should just do it already, as long as she gets to be on top. It took this long to think of this? Sigh.

Miss White and Colonel Mustard’s illegitimate daughter, Sanguine Sookie, in the kitchen with a frying pan!

Sookie hears weird shit all over her house as she runs up the stairs to look for Tara.

Looking in her old room, she finds this freak. ‘Too much?’ Way to destroy an iconic dress. Only Eric can pull that off.

‘Waaay too much.’ No kidding. But alas, she hears a noise and she’s Oscar Mike.

Sookie freaks out over Eggs and Tara destroying Gran’s things. Well, I would too. Oh look, it’s that knitting Sookie inhaled in the premiere. They need these things for the nest! Oh great…I’m sooo excited.

Eggs and Tara start fussing over some weird nest on the bed. The suspense is killing me. I wonder if they’ll LOST stamp and black screen me?

Nope. Oh look, is that an OMGWTF!POLARBEAR? No, it’s an OMGWTF!IDON’TCARE!

Oh look, Lafayette’s hand, he’s finally joined Sookie. I’ll bet they can get out of this mess now, at last. Of course!

‘Where you been at? I was lookin’ for you.’ Oh, I guess not. Hey, we all saw THAT one coming. Grudge eyes, the wider you open, the scarier you look.

THIS, is our cliffhanger. Yes, the most ridiculous scream ever. I am SOOO excited for the finale.

Final thoughts? This was the hardest recap I’ve ever had to write. I was just unmotivated to do it. Episode 3, which was still the worst episode for me, was easier to write because at least I was motivated by anger. This episode was just completely uninspiring and it did NOT inspire me to want to even watch the finale or any subsequent episodes in Season 3 of True Blood. I know of several others who are seriously contemplating to drop the show. Alan Ball had better get with the program and buck up, all I’m saying. FFS, True Blood is on a pay cable network and they’re getting even MORE competition. Remember that the CW is getting the Vampire Diaries this fall…and you don’t have to pay for that. They had better up the game. I mean, “Frenzy” was just plain WEAK as an episode that’s before the finale. Not to mention, the number of plot contrivances was just plain ridiculous. And the promo? Not inspiring me to watch the finale either. The only saving grace is that it’s written by Alexander Woo. It’s getting to the point where if Eric doesn’t get slapped with the blame for whatever happens in the finale or what may happen next season, I’ll be happy. Isn’t that sad?

Still, prepare for Sawyer…well, LaFake and the Sub. All I’m sayin’!

Before I leave you, I must give you with a hilarious comment on the blog from epoidon, which made me LMAO.

On Bill getting one over Eric:

What is TB world coming to? Alan Ball, I have only you to blame. Give me pink lycra, take back miscasting, overacting and shoddy scripts. May the squeees of millions of fangirls haunt your dreams daily if you emasculate Eric any further.

Special News!

I will release my version of a clip show next week, it will contain a summary of Season One as well as some greatest hits from my recaps this season. It will be called, ‘Because Clip Shows Suck.’ After the finale airs, I will release my Hit List and Shit List before the final recap. Probably on Wednesday this week, I will release some information on our First Annual Blood Bonds True Blood Awards, henceforth known as the Bloodies. We are turning the voice over to you! It will contain information on all of our award categories. YOU will get to vote for the winners of each award. After the finale, we’ll release several polls for each award a day. To give you an idea, they’ll include ‘Best Episode’ but also awards such as ‘Worst Sookie Outfit’ and ‘Best Eric Line’.

As usual, the caps are from Marishna on LJ, supplemented by my own and those from black-celebration.net. The gifs were created by Bluebear. I hope you enjoyed it!

~simba_317